a divorce in the family - share your experiences please...

[elliott]

Well it looks like db and sil are going to split - relatively amicably as far as these things go and as far as I can tell as an outsider. I feel very sad and unsettled at the prospect of losing my relationship with sil and with the cousins - my children and db's are the only grandchildren in either of our extended families so these relationships are important to me and my children. But, obviously, my first loyalty is to my brother and I desperately hope he will have a happier future. I am pretty angry at some of my SIL's treatment of him, but still hope that we will be able to feel part of a wider extended family, somehow...
I just wonder what is the best way to go about trying to maintain these relationships under different circumstances? Has anyone managed to keep up good relationships with the divorced side of the family? I'm fed up with my brothers' failing relationships (other db has had a series of relationships but never been married) - seems I'm destined never to have any female relatives even by marriage!

[goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh]

Well I'm speaking as the person who's got divorced (well ok we're not actually yet - we're still just separated, but we will be once getting the divorce sorted creeps it's way to the top of the list of things I need to sort - other more pressing/urgent matters in hand at the moment).

my exH has 2 sisters living here in the UK (the other siblings and rest of his family are all in Zimbabwe still so the relationship there was very distant anyhow). They both have 2 DC each, and are my DS's only cousins.

When we first split exH was a bit funny about me maintaining contact with them of my own accord, but he soon got over it and realised that actually it wasn't doing anyone any harm. They still wanted their children to maintain a relationship with my DC - and with me.

On Sunday it was DS3's Christening, I invited both of my exSIL's and their family - unfortunately only one could come - but she did, with her 2 children. And it was reallly lovely, I got a hug from my nephew and niece before they left with a "bye Aunty FAQ". And I chatted with my exSIL just like we always did - and exH was there too, as we my parents. At one point while I was mingling with other guests I looked across and my exH, exSIL and my parents were all sat chatting together, and infact my parents and my exSIL sat at the same table throughout the celebration (although my relationship with my parents is strained at the moment - but that's an entirely different thread).

I guess it depends on how your SIL and her family want to do things/see things, but I've found that my exH's family are treating me and my DS's no differently now than from before, as far as they are concerned we are still family by virtue of the fact that we married and had children together.

[elliott]

So I guess you are speaking from the perspective of my sil - but is there a sense in which your dh's family are part of the problem you want to move on from? Would you feel there were divided loyalties potentially?
I know my sil has been keeping me at arms length recently, I now understand the reason but still feel hurt by it. Perhaps I should just grieve the loss of (yet another) female relative and move on? And concentrate on getting the cousins together with my brother??

[goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh]

no sense of that at all. exSIL has stayed incredibly neutral throughout the last 8 1/2 months ( she even acted as mediator between exH and I when things got really sticky) and my other exSIL who didn't make it to the Christening occasionaly rings (more frequently than my own family!) to see how I am, how the older DS's are getting on at school etc etc.

I think in the first couple of months it was awakard, exH and I were still at logger heads, but now things have settled down, we've both accepted that our marriage is over and we've moved on individually there's no problem at all now.

And I must admit I still feel all warm and fuzzy that my teenage niece came over (of her own doing) and gave me that hug and said bye Aunty to me - I feel I still have 4 nieces and 1 nephew (my own DB isn't married, do't think he ever will tbh) of my own even though they're not actually going to be "related" to me once the divorce is actually through iykwim.

[elliott]

Ahh, but you sound so nice and forgiving...
I find relationship breakups really upsetting, they shake the foundations of my little world. Although fundamentally I do think this is probably the 'right' thing in this case. I feel very sorry for my niece, though I guess she will survive.

[goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh]

lol @ me being loving and fogiving - well I never had anything to dislike my sil's for, it was stuff between my exH and I that caused our marriage to fail, so it wasn't really too hard to continue a relationship with them. exH and I well.............we are getting along much better these days (no chance of getting back together though - hell no!!) but I still like a good bitch about him behind his back .

You know - what I'm sure your niece will be just fine, especially if she realises that Aunty Elliot is still going to be someone she still gets to see (and Cousin Elliots too).