Patronising, insensitive "support" from close friend - or am I being a brat?

[SandwichSpread]

Several of the big, stabilising things in my life - mine and DS's home, the community we live in, my employment set-up - are set to change next year, when XP and I finalise our financial settlement, post-split.

As that time draws nearer, and the initial figure we talked about diminishes due to our business not doing so well this year, I've been feeling nervous and unsettled about all this change; about not knowing where I'll live in a year, nor what kind of job I'll do, nor how much time I will need to spend working to support me and DS (who's still pretty small). I've been a SAHM until now.

I opened up to a close friend about these (I think) understandable anxieties, and he responded with a few 'I understand' sentences followed by this:

"On the plus side, if you wanted to look for the silver lining, remember that old trick about comparing yourself to others less fortunate than yourselves? Although I wouldn't wish the emotional trauma that you've experienced in the last year on anybody [split was horrendous - XP underwent personality change and was serially unfaithful, overspent massively and compromised the security of our business and family], in purely financial terms, the business has been a fantastic experience for you [and XP and DS]. Very few people ever get to be a part of that. All that may be happening now is that you're returning from a rather extraordinary financial position back to a normal one. Having a day job is the reality for a huge number of single mums - as well as people like [he lists him and his wife - no kids - and mutual, still-married friends]. When [XP] recently complained to me that it was hard for him to deal with the business when [it's not been doing so well of late}, I very nearly turned round and said to him, 'And you expect me to feel sorry for you? You've had the ride of your life!'"

AIBU to feel patronised and judged by, and angry and sad about this response from a close friend? Of course he has a point in some of what he says, no question - the old being-grateful-for-what-we-do-have line. Yet he's presumed not only that I haven't thought about my relative good fortune (given my situation - I have BTW) and need it ramming down my throat, but also that having some degree of financial security somehow negates the feelings of sadness and apprehension pretty much anyone would feel when moving house and community, and changing from being a SAHM to in employment, post-separation - i.e. when neither upheaval is for more positive reasons.

Argh! I feel quite hurt TBH. Tell me if I'm overreacting before I chat this through with my friend, or if (like he seems to think) I need kicking into touch.

[plantsitter]

He is just being a bloke I think. Of course you feel unsettled. He is probably trying to make you feel better about your situation by saying other people manage... but I do think he's being a bit insensitive!

[SandwichSpread]

Thanks, plantsitter. Fair point about the bloke bit. Friend in question usually pretty girly on the emotional intelligence front - maybe he was having a lapse?

[gagamama]

I appreciate things are tough for you right now, but I don't know what you really wanted from him? He seems to be trying to help you feel better and put it into perspective rather than just indulging your fears and giving you sympathy. Presumably this email was preceded by one from you telling him about how worried you feel. He can't promise you it'll be ok, he can't make it ok, so what else can he really do? I don't think it sounds judgy really. He sounds like a good friend. Just blokey.

[Miyazaki]

I don't think it sounds patronising or judgey really. Very hard without the context but he's only human - it sounds like the slight kick up the bum that I expect from very dear friends...

[TheSeriousOne]

Sorry, I think he's being totally unreasonable.

In the cold light of day, yes, as long as you are safe and secure, then it's all OK.

But what you are going through here is the hurt and confusion of an uncertain future and comparing that to the secure and certain future you THOUGHT that both you and your XP wanted for your DS.

That is totally understandable, IMHO

You aren't comparing yourself to others, you are comparing yourself to the person and the life you had. THat's a totally different proposition.

You will get there, but you have every right to grieve for what is no longer there.

(Has your XP gotten over his personality change? was it some sort of breakdown??)

[TheSeriousOne]

ok, maybe not totally unreasonable, but I can see your point