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Relationships

Is this enough to break our family up over?

74 replies

Lametta · 01/12/2008 19:00

DH drinks ALOT. We have rules in place re his drinking. He is not allowed to drink in front of the dc. He usually drinks at least 6 nights of the week and it is anywhere between 4 and 10 cans of lager per night after dc have gone to bed. He usually sleeps on the sofa as I cannot bear his drunken snoring. This morning I woke up to him having split beer all over the carpet and he had urinated on the sofa. It is not the first time this has happened.

From reading up on alcoholism I would probably call him a functioning alcoholic. He holds down a job (does well at it really). He is great with the dc apart from not giving them as much time as he could or should. He works long hours and spends a lot of time in bed recovering from his drinking. When he is not drinking he is helpful with them, however this is after repeated nagging over the past few years. He used to be awful, never did anything practical for them and would become abusive if I pushed the issue.

As far as our relationship is concerned, we don't really have one. He used to be very controlling and verbally abusive towards me but over the past 6 months I have managed to improve this with a policy of zero tolerance. Just got fed up with it really and I think he senses that I came to the end of my tether with it, I used to allow a lot of his nonsense because he had a bad childhood and I made a lot of allowances for that. I do not make these allowances any more.

I am frightened that even though we dont really argue about his drinking any more and he does not drink in front of dc they will still be affected by it. I do not drink at all, ever. I thought that my dc deserved at least one parent who did not drink.

Can anyone who is going through anything similar tell me how they dealt with it please? Is this enough to break up a family. My dc adore their father. Help me out please. I am scared I am taking the easy road all the time for a quiet life and I should just be kicking his arse out the door. Have name changed.

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pamelat · 01/12/2008 19:05

I would say that its your life too and it doesn't sound like you are having much fun or being treated very well? Are you happy?

I appreciate that there are children to consider, but your DH also needs to consider this.

Would he seek treatment, or even accept he has a problem? Why does he not drink on the 7th night? Is he nicer then?

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 19:08

Quite often he does drink on the 7th night as well. If he does decide to not drink for a couple of days - "giving up". He generally tends to be a pretty nasty piece of work. I think because he is irritable that he cannot have a drink.

I am happiest when he is at work. He accepts he has a problem but not at the level I think he does. He says he wants to "give up" until Christmas and if he can't manage it will seek professional help afterwards. I have been hearing this for about 5 years though.

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NorthernLurker · 01/12/2008 19:10

I've not been in your shoes and it must be very hard to break up your family but if your dh carries on like that then your family will be broken up anyway because he will quite simply drink himself to death. You need help, he needs help, this is no way to live.

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bollockbrain · 01/12/2008 19:11

not a good situation for you or the dc. It will only get worse. sorry, maybe not what you want to hear but it is the truth.

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 19:13

Actually it is what I want to hear. I want no holds barred advice. This has been going on for too long. I don't have family near or any friends at all in rl I can talk to. Just acquaintances. I think I have just come to accept things that should not be accepted. Need sensible, realistic advice to help me make a decision.

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akhems · 01/12/2008 19:14

this sounds very like my ex-husband and eventually I had enough and ended the marriage. Only you can decide wht to do really but I think the fact that you're even posing the question gives you the answer.

Good luck, I know it's not easy.

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NorthernLurker · 01/12/2008 19:17

have you got any money and can you get a job to support your family if your dh fails to?

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 19:21

No money. Youngest under school age but will start nursery next year. Would be getting a job then. I can go back to what I was doing before. Not amazingly paid but enough. I think he would pay support. He adores his dc. As I say he holds down a responsible job and does well at it.

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mankymummy · 01/12/2008 19:21

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt until after christmas.

Then he has to stop.

If he cannot stop straight away for at least a month, he needs to get professional help.

If he wont do that, he moves out.

Get him to agree to this when he's sober.

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bollockbrain · 01/12/2008 19:37

It is very rare for someone who has been drinking such large amounts to be able to just give it up without support. It is an addiction and he needs help.

It can be done, but he needs to be committed to it. Relapses are frequent sadly.

In the meantime, stay for christmas, but look to building your own life with the dc. Only he can deal with this problem and once dry, he needs to prove to you he will be abstinent and that will not be an overnight thing.

I hope you manage to sort things.

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 19:43

I do understand that there will be relapses but there have already been many of them. At what point do I throw in the towel? I just don't know when to call time, when to give up on him.

He has been unfaithful when drinking, verbally abusive, spent money we did not have, missed family occasions, let the kids down though I do cover that up so they never really get affected by it. It seems that drink will always come first and I resent that he is able to hold down a good job while being a complete useless arse to me. It feels like he works hard to make sure the job goes well and drinking does not affect that so he obviously has some control over it. He just chooses not to exercise that with regard to me and the marriage. I think he just thinks I will always put up with it so makes minimu effort.

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LittleJingleBellas · 01/12/2008 19:45

I would question your use of the term "break up your family". It is already broken. Splitting from this guy would be the beginning of healing your family. Don't be taken in by the propaganda that two parents together, however dysfunctional, are somehow fixed, while one healthy parent always means a broken family. Far from it.

I think you need to contact al anon. You are as sick as your DH, you are enabling him to drink and standing by him being the loving wife and providing him with a cover of normality.

I would insist on him going either to the GP to ask for a referral to a detox centre, or to Alcoholics Anonymous or both.

If you stay with him, you are raising dysfunctional children in a dysfunctional home.

Sorry, but you asked for no holds barred.

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bollockbrain · 01/12/2008 19:47

Poor you . I think you have actually come to the decision yourself which is why you have posted on here.

It is not easy to do, and will need much thought and preparation for your future, but the day will come when you are settled into a new life and you will live it wihtout the fear of the drinking and abusive behaviour looming up in your face.

You are doing the right thing.

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 19:50

I agree with nearly all of what you say LittleJingleBellas apart from the term "loving wife". I only support him in that I protect my dc from the repercussions. I do not protect him from anyone else. I am open with his family about his behaviour and drinking, they don't think it is a problem though, in their view Men drink and women moan about it.. I don't give him any other support in his drinking, though I suppose that by just letting him keep on living here I am doing just that. Believe me the term "Loving Wife" does NOT apply here. I am very blunt and open with him about his behaviour and have pretty much distanced myself from it. It was the only way really.

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elkiedee · 01/12/2008 19:51

Yes, it's enough to break up over if that's what you feel is best and if you're brave enough. But whatever decision you make now is going to be really hard. There's a support thread on mumsnet for "partners of addicts", many of them living with alcoholics, or facing the kind of decisions about where to go from here that you are. I don't know how old your dc are but they would have to be very young not to pick up that there's something very wrong here.

Good luck to you.

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crankycrane · 01/12/2008 19:55

sorry to hear of your current situation
my ex was an alcoholic and could function quite normally getting up going to work etc
he was a spirits man vodka and gin
it was his family life that fell apart, i took the eotional and mental abuse for years
stay strong, sorry if this has been repeated but have you asked him to get help?

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LittleJingleBellas · 01/12/2008 19:59

"I only support him in that I protect my dc from the repercussions."

Oh Lametta, you aren't doing that. You may think you are and possibly you are protecting them from some of the physical manifestations of his condition, but you can be absolutely sure that they will know something is not right.

LOL at not being a loving wife. OK, loyal wife then. Because you are being loyal to him, allowing him to continue living with his family, fouling your nest. Sorry for the strong language, but growing up with an alcoholic in the house is a miserable start to a child's life, however much the enabler parent tries to hide the worst evidence of that behaviour.

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 20:00

Yes. He says he will try to stop during December and if he can't keep it up will seek professional help. He went to a Hypnotherapist before and he doesn't think it helped, he said he didn't feel any different but I thought it did. There didn't seem to be the urgency in him about drinking for a while afterwards.

I am going to give him an ultimatum that he must stop or at least drink reasonably over Christmas and if he can't then he goes for help or moves out. I have changed a lot of other things in our relationship - his verbal abuse etc just by not tolerating them ie no tears, just coldly telling him to stop or he can get out now and things have changed. Think he senses that I am at the end of the road now.

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LittleJingleBellas · 01/12/2008 20:00

If you go to an al-anon meeting in your area btw, you will get lots of support.

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Lametta · 01/12/2008 20:03

Have thought of that LittleJingleBellas. I am thinking that if I hear others with a similar story it might force it home how shit it all is really.

I know for a fact that if a female member of my family was with a man like h I would think she was an utter twat for staying with him and yet here I am. Time to look in the mirror really I think.

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LittleJingleBellas · 01/12/2008 20:08

Pick up the phone. Speak to one of the Al-Anon counsellors. It might make you clearer in your own mind what you want ot do.

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blinks · 01/12/2008 20:22

YES this is enough to break the relationship.

it's a life half lived and your children will look to you both as role models for their future relationships.

do them a favour and break the cycle.

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ginnny · 01/12/2008 20:33

How will you feel in years to come if your dc end up married to alcoholics or worse still become alcoholics themselves.
I say this because my Dad was an alcoholic and my Mum, bless her did her best to protect us from it, but with the best will in the world its just impossible. I've ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic too and I know my Mum regrets every day that she put up with my Dad for so long.
Just food for thought.
Do try Alanon by the way. They are really helpful.

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lou33 · 01/12/2008 20:38

i ended my marriage because of the amount my exh was drinking, so yes u would say it was worth it

but i also think you are saving yourself and your kids in the long run

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lou33 · 01/12/2008 20:39

i would say it was worth it, i mean

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