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Relationships

Dh wants to see his son but ex gf is funny..........

14 replies

sugarpear · 01/12/2008 16:54

Dh may or may not have a son with his x gf. The boy is 10. she had an abortion 3 months before she got pregnant with her ds. the father didnt want to know. But she was still seeing that guy as well as dh when she got pregnant last time.

So dh has never known if the boy is his or not. His tried having a relationship with him but the ex lets him then withdraws it.

He asked again a few months back and she has been dragging it out saying maybe next weekend etc. Then 3 weeks ago came the demand the get him a nintendo ds. Which we said we would think about. Its an expensive gift and we have 3 kids of our own.

He was on his way to see them last sayurday but got held up in traffic. He sent a text telling her this as she never answers the phone. Her reply was to not bother then.

So dh asked well when can i see him then. so she replied next week with the ds ( nintendo).

dh said he wanted to see the boy and he felt it right that after years of denying him one that they have a dna test in the new year. But that he still wanted to see the boy. Her reply was im too angry to talk to you know and your scaring x dont make me call the police on you.

Dh never threatened her or swore and has been nothing but polite and civil.

It bothers him enormously that he doesnt see this lad and also that he may even not be his, We dont have the money to fight her throught the courts.

Whether the boy is his or not if dh wants a relationship with him he will be more than welcome into our family. Just not sure how to deal with xgf. She is mid to late 30's so not a kid.

but her resonces are wierd. He sent one saying did you get last text? Her reply was yes but i didnt answer cos you smell of poo.

I can laugh but im at a loss at to what to say to dh.

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hecate · 01/12/2008 17:03

get a dna test

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solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 17:04

Is he paying any maintenance towards this child? Could he afford to? This is not to say that a father should be a cashcow but it's possible that an offer of regular payments might help the situation.
Also, bear in mind that you may not know the whole story of your DP's involvement with the woman. He may have been horrible to her in the past and that's why her responses are not always co-operative.

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sugarpear · 01/12/2008 17:13

No he tried involving csa years ago but she wouldnt have it. Because they would have done a dna test for him.

He may well have been horrible but he was 0nly 16 when they met and she was 25 ish and sleeping with other men. They weren't together for too long i do know that.

But i know now he has been very polite to her.

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GinghamRibbon · 01/12/2008 17:16

You could write to that programme that people watch when they are off sick

Jeremy Kyle!

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sugarpear · 01/12/2008 18:39

very helpful ging thanks!

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BellsCarolsNSleighs · 01/12/2008 18:45

he really needs a dna test imho.. and go from there.

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ToThrottleaRedRobin · 01/12/2008 18:50

Get the csa involoved of they will do a test, then you can go from there really.

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TheSeriousOne · 01/12/2008 18:57

Sorry, I was thinking of Jeremy Kyle too. Sorry!!!

Seriously, save the money on the Nintendo DS and get a DNA test. Do this properly.

Find out for sure if he is the father and, if he is, work out his obligations under the CSA and start meeting them. Make sure he is available for emotional support for his son too. If the ExP is funny, then that's her problem. But you want to be able to look back and think 'I tried to do the right thing' Start with a DNA test not a Ninento DS.

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sugarpear · 02/12/2008 11:52

A dna test is a must for me. Just didnt want to come across as a bitch about it.

The csa say's she has to apply for maintenance, then we can apply for a dna test. But she isnt in receipt of benefits therefore doesnt have to apply. And no one can make her do a dna test on her ds.

As sad as it is i cant see another option other than for dh to wait for the boy to turn 18.

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WilyWombat · 02/12/2008 12:02

She does sound like she is manipulating his desire to he "his" child for financial gain, she may also be doing this to other men she was involved with at the time too.

It amazes me that some mothers cannot see the harm this will do to their child, completely despicable.

Are you sure the text back didnt come from his son - it does sound like a 10 year olds reply unless she is mentally challenged. (oh god am I going to get flamed for that comment?)

I would say a DNA tes is a MUST - even if you have to pay for it...if its negative it will cost less in the long run (financially AND emotionally)

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TheSeriousOne · 02/12/2008 12:45

SugarPear,

If she refuses a DNA test, make her put that in writing.

WOrk out what your FINANCIAL obligations would be (if he were the father) and put that amount of money away each week / month.

Make it clear that you and your DH ARE prepared to step up IF he is the father, but if she isn't prepared to prove that (and it seems reasonable for your DH to have doubts... FWIW, I'm with the father of my child and would have a DNA in an instant if anyone EVER questioned paternity. It's not something you take a gamble on)

Do the right thing by the child but don't be manipulated.

I don't think you sound like a bitch, BTW

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TheSeriousOne · 02/12/2008 12:48

Sorry, not sure I made it clear... I think you should put the money aside and make it available to him when he is an adult (and takes a DNA test)

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monkeymonkeymonkey · 02/12/2008 13:12

It seems like she might have a fair idea that he isnt the dad, as it seems like in this situation if he was the dad it would be to her advantage to prove it.

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sugarpear · 02/12/2008 13:19

Thankyou.

We have an account where we have put money aside for him already. As our dc have an account for when they are 21.

We dont mind paying for a dna test at all.

Dh said she was always strange. When they finally seperated she actually pulled great clumps of her hair out in front of dh and mil. In an atempt to stop him leaving. I cant pass judgement as i have never seen the woman.She has made it perfectly clear that neither i nor our dc would be welcome anywhere near her ds. Now or at any stage in the future.

I do wonder if she is using the boy to get back at dh for leaving her and marrying me and having dc. She has not had any more dc and as far as dh knows through his sister she has never had a relationship since dh either.

I have seen every text exchanged and i honestly believe that if dh texted and said i have the nintendo she would have dh see her ds immediately.

Its her poor ds thats caught her. I dont want him knocking on the door when his 18 full of hate and anger believing that dh never wanted to see him. Dh does but he needs to know he is his child.

She has texted us a picture of him and he looks nothing like dh but does look like the other guy ( the one dh actually knew) the one she had 1st abortion by. But dh still wants to know 100%. Our ds are mini images of dh. Which i know is not scientific but does leave even more doubts in our heads.

There is no easy answer to this one just needed to know i wasnt acting out.