missing dh - worried i've done the wrong thing

[vbadindeed]

after trying for ages to make make thngs work with dh i finally gave up a couple of months ago and moved out to stay with xp. xp and i are having a relationship (dh just thinks i'm staying as friends). I se dh every weekend to drop off ds. dh didn't want me to go but also put up no fight when i said i was going, during the 5 weeks i've been away he hann't aksed me to come back but has said he misses me, still loves me and wants things work. Until a week or so ago i thought i'd done the right thing and getting back with xp was right but i'm now doubting things. Dh has aspergers (but won't admit it). out counsellor told me she could see he has it (she also works with aspergic children). The knowledge that he has this, makes it easier to understand some of dh;s behaviour (being insular, uncommunicative, saying inappropriate things etc) but there are stil other things which he refused t change, Eg, we slept separately for the last 2/3 yrs bcos of his snoring (doc told him to lose weight but he didn't) and also virtually no sex for years I stopped feeling that way as i never felt he was interested and some of the things he's said to me in arguments have upset me so much that i felt too exposed even being naked in front of him.
However he' s a fantastic dad to our 2yo ds, is very unselfish with money, time , does alot round the house etc and part of me misses him so much now.

DP had been great with ds but he'll never be his dad. He's very different to dh - gentle (wouldn'ttever hurt me emotionally or physically) . He also fancies me and make me feel atrtactive.

Why could i be considering going back to dh?

[vbadindeed]

bump

[lou33]

what is it about him you think you miss?

are you sure it isnt just because he is what you are used to?

from what you say you sound better off to me

do you think things would improve long term if you went back to him, and not just for a few months as the honeymoon period?

has he done anything to convince you it would be better second time round?

[KiwiKatchMeUnderTheMistletoe]

You really need to give yourself space to think, rather than being cushioned in this secret relationship with your xp. Whether you want one of them rather than the other, or neither, you can't really give the situation your full attention if you're doing this.

[unavailable]

From what you say (and dont say)it sounds to me as if you moving in with your current partner was a sort of default position. Maybe that is why you are feeling unsettled, and you actually need some time on your own to reflect rather than bouncing from one relationship to another (not to mind back again.)

[thenewme]

My advice to you would be to get your own place and have some time without a man.

[vbadindeed]

lou33, what makes you think i'm better off? True dp is a completely lovely man (has his irritations too!!) but he's gentle and would never hurt me and loves me so much. dh has texted saying he 'd like me to go for dinner . i said i was scared of things getting nasty and arguing. he wanted to treat dinner like a date but i feel if we are to make any attempt to get back together we need to talk about how things would be different and he needs to acknowledge the aspergers, not just try to ignore the problems. he hasn't tried to convince me anything woud be different and i can see he's put on even more weight in the the time i've been away

[unavailable]

You say dp is a lovely man, but if you dont say that you love him. It sounds like you are using him. The consensus on this thread is you should take some time on your own to think about what you really want, but you ignored this in your last post.

Does a part of you enjoy the attention of 2 competing men

[Mumi]

Maybe DH wouldn't be pining so much after you if he knew the truth about you and XP.

It must be pretty obvious to everyone else but maybe your DH either won't or simply can't see it. You are taking advantage of that and given how adamant you are that he has Asperger's, that's pretty fucked up.

By the way, he doesn't have to admit he has Aspergers, even if you and the counsellor did have the appropriate qualifications to make such a diagnosis. He should probably undergo assessment but he can do what he pleases with the result, in his own time, now you've ensured he's not imposing on yours.

Get your own place, be a single woman and concentrate on your DD before anything else.

[lou33]

i didnt mean better off with dp, i just meant better off without your h

i agree with the others who have said you really need to be on your won without pressure from anyone to decide what you want

[Blinglovin]

Why can't you just treat dinner like a date? I know it's very bad form to reference previous posts from a poster, but sorry, I have to mention that you have in the past wanted him to go over and over and over what he's done wrong and get him to beg forgiveness repeatedly.

Go on a date. You've moved out, he gets that it's serious. See if without all the baggage you have a good time. If you do, then you can work together on what needs to be fixed surely? But until you know if you even enjoy spending time with him, what's the point?

[vbadindeed]

i most definately do love dp but it scares me being with him because he;s not ds real dad. he's really good with him and ds already adores him. I just keep wishing it could have worked with dh ( i know i'm to blame for or problems too) but i think maybe we're just incompatible. maybe i'm just pining for what could have been , not what really was?

[vbadindeed]

i most definately do love dp but it scares me being with him because he;s not ds real dad. he's really good with him and ds already adores him. I just keep wishing it could have worked with dh ( i know i'm to blame for or problems too) but i think maybe we're just incompatible. maybe i'm just pining for what could have been , not what really was?

[thenewme]

I think it is unfair to go out for dinner with your H while he has no clue you are sleeping with another man.

[vbadindeed]

we wouldn't be going out for dinner. he just meant me go round to the house for dinner so we could have some time without being distracted by ds. Not sure whether to

[thenewme]

Same thing.

[vbadindeed]

guess you're rght, the newme. I have been thinking about telling dh but i'm scared

[vbadindeed]

guess you're rght, the newme. I have been thinking about telling dh but i'm scared

[lou33]

i do think you need to be honest about your situation now, or else you are basing any potential reconciliation on lying

what are you scared about?

[vbadindeed]

i'm scared of his response and if we did ever get back together it would be used against me all the time

[thenewme]

But would you sleep with someone else if you honestly thought you would get back with your h?

[vbadindeed]

no, i hate the idea of being unfaithful. I'm just worried that ymaybe dh and i haven't tried enough. When i started being more than friends with dp, i truly believed there was no way dh and i stood a chance. now im doubting this

[vbadindeed]

no, i hate the idea of being unfaithful. I'm just worried that ymaybe dh and i haven't tried enough. When i started being more than friends with dp, i truly believed there was no way dh and i stood a chance. now im doubting this

[vbadindeed]

no, i hate the idea of being unfaithful. I'm just worried that ymaybe dh and i haven't tried enough. When i started being more than friends with dp, i truly believed there was no way dh and i stood a chance. now im doubting this

[vbadindeed]

no, i hate the idea of being unfaithful. I'm just worried that ymaybe dh and i haven't tried enough. When i started being more than friends with dp, i truly believed there was no way dh and i stood a chance. now im doubting this

[vbadindeed]

no, i hate the idea of being unfaithful. I'm just worried that ymaybe dh and i haven't tried enough. When i started being more than friends with dp, i truly believed there was no way dh and i stood a chance. now im doubting this