Hi All
I'm new to this so please help (and be kind!!!!).
Basically, my husband and I have decided to separate, we've been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a 2 yr old baby girl.
When we first married the first few years were lovely and I felt cherished. However the last few years things changed and when I was preggers my husband came out and told me he wasn't happy. By this point he'd changed quite a lot, out all the time with his mates whilst I was in, differed in our religious views and started acting unaffectionately towards me, no cuddling, no understanding etc. I still tried to make things work and it was okay and ambled along between us - we did have fun inbetween the unhappiness.
Anyway fast forward two years. We split up last december and got back together in April. When we split up in December, my husband said he didn't love me anymore and didnt think there was anything we could do. I was devastated and he moved out. I was depressed and miserable but it needed to happen. He was acting like a single man, out with his mates, not coming in till 5 in the morning, doing courses that meant several nights a week he would be out, then going to the pub afterwards - all the while me at home with a baby. (Even when she was in hospital twice as a newborn, he still managed to leave the hospital at 7pm in order for him to get to his evening class, while I remained with our daughter). We got back together in April, even after me finding out that 10 days after we'd separated he'd had a fling with one of his coursemates and was seeing her for the most of December, before coming to his senses and calling it quits. I dealt with it and moved on.
But even so he never really seemed happy with our life. He said he felt held back because there were so many things in life that he wanted to do, but couldn't. He said he resented my religion (which he used to be but decided he didn't want to. This didn't/doesn't bother me because it's his choice, just as it's my choice), felt like he is missing out, wants to go travelling, wants to do charity work abroad (3 months at a time). On top of that there were issues in our sex life - he wanted to do things that I just wasn't comfortable with and he would get grumpy and not make any effort at all, because he wasn't getting what he wanted. My whole attitude to that was that it doesn't mean I would ever not do certain things, just not comfortable with them at present and hopefully in a loving relationship you would support each other and get through these things. After all sex should be an expression of love for each other and he should understand my feelings on the matter, as I do his. I told him I was willing to make more of an effort in many other respects of our sex lives, but because I wouldn't do this thing, he said he would have to "lump it" and get on with it. On top of all this, he is now doing another course which means he's out 4 nights a week and a whole Saturday - so he is continually busy. This course means a lot to him and I am happy to support him because it will lead to future career happiness for him, but when you are left with a child at home and no time for yourself, things can get pretty bleak!
I don't think we ever resolved all our issues properly and thus have recently decided that we need to separate again.
Of course I am devasted again. What makes it worse and prolongs this agony, is that despite all this we both deep down care for each other. I think he is suffering from depression as he says he never thinks he would be happy, suffers mood swings, fuzzy head, thinks life is passing him by etc - we went to the doctors about this and the doctor said on paper he sounds depressed, but he didn't think he was?!?!?!?!??!
I think if he got help with his depression, he would be able to see with more clarity the situation and how he really feels.
He adores our daughter, and we still laugh and joke together and are attracted to each other physically. We also share a bond deep down that I just can't explain. He just happens to be so unreasonable - his attitude is no one tells him what to do! How frustrating in a marriage, when you've got to consider one another.
We've both said we need clarity in order for us to decide what to do in our marriage and we haven't ruled out a reconciliation but what makes it worse is that he was going to move out, but due to the current economic situation, we cant afford it for the time being. I'm looking for ANY part-time work to ease the strain, but for the time being we are living together in the same FLAT!
How do I deal with all this - I feel like I'm going to crack!
(BTW, my husband isn't a devil or evil git, just very confused in life, he's not nasty, just mucked up! Deep down the thing he wants the most is a family, he used to say to me that he loves his little family he had quite a hard childhood, divorced parents, brought up by a very strict dad, no idea of what relationships are like)
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Relationships
Is there any clarity in separation (long thread, I'm sorry!)
4 replies
smudgie80 · 30/11/2008 20:42
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