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Relationships

Is there any clarity in separation (long thread, I'm sorry!)

4 replies

smudgie80 · 30/11/2008 20:42

Hi All
I'm new to this so please help (and be kind!!!!).
Basically, my husband and I have decided to separate, we've been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a 2 yr old baby girl.
When we first married the first few years were lovely and I felt cherished. However the last few years things changed and when I was preggers my husband came out and told me he wasn't happy. By this point he'd changed quite a lot, out all the time with his mates whilst I was in, differed in our religious views and started acting unaffectionately towards me, no cuddling, no understanding etc. I still tried to make things work and it was okay and ambled along between us - we did have fun inbetween the unhappiness.
Anyway fast forward two years. We split up last december and got back together in April. When we split up in December, my husband said he didn't love me anymore and didnt think there was anything we could do. I was devastated and he moved out. I was depressed and miserable but it needed to happen. He was acting like a single man, out with his mates, not coming in till 5 in the morning, doing courses that meant several nights a week he would be out, then going to the pub afterwards - all the while me at home with a baby. (Even when she was in hospital twice as a newborn, he still managed to leave the hospital at 7pm in order for him to get to his evening class, while I remained with our daughter). We got back together in April, even after me finding out that 10 days after we'd separated he'd had a fling with one of his coursemates and was seeing her for the most of December, before coming to his senses and calling it quits. I dealt with it and moved on.
But even so he never really seemed happy with our life. He said he felt held back because there were so many things in life that he wanted to do, but couldn't. He said he resented my religion (which he used to be but decided he didn't want to. This didn't/doesn't bother me because it's his choice, just as it's my choice), felt like he is missing out, wants to go travelling, wants to do charity work abroad (3 months at a time). On top of that there were issues in our sex life - he wanted to do things that I just wasn't comfortable with and he would get grumpy and not make any effort at all, because he wasn't getting what he wanted. My whole attitude to that was that it doesn't mean I would ever not do certain things, just not comfortable with them at present and hopefully in a loving relationship you would support each other and get through these things. After all sex should be an expression of love for each other and he should understand my feelings on the matter, as I do his. I told him I was willing to make more of an effort in many other respects of our sex lives, but because I wouldn't do this thing, he said he would have to "lump it" and get on with it. On top of all this, he is now doing another course which means he's out 4 nights a week and a whole Saturday - so he is continually busy. This course means a lot to him and I am happy to support him because it will lead to future career happiness for him, but when you are left with a child at home and no time for yourself, things can get pretty bleak!
I don't think we ever resolved all our issues properly and thus have recently decided that we need to separate again.
Of course I am devasted again. What makes it worse and prolongs this agony, is that despite all this we both deep down care for each other. I think he is suffering from depression as he says he never thinks he would be happy, suffers mood swings, fuzzy head, thinks life is passing him by etc - we went to the doctors about this and the doctor said on paper he sounds depressed, but he didn't think he was?!?!?!?!??!
I think if he got help with his depression, he would be able to see with more clarity the situation and how he really feels.
He adores our daughter, and we still laugh and joke together and are attracted to each other physically. We also share a bond deep down that I just can't explain. He just happens to be so unreasonable - his attitude is no one tells him what to do! How frustrating in a marriage, when you've got to consider one another.
We've both said we need clarity in order for us to decide what to do in our marriage and we haven't ruled out a reconciliation but what makes it worse is that he was going to move out, but due to the current economic situation, we cant afford it for the time being. I'm looking for ANY part-time work to ease the strain, but for the time being we are living together in the same FLAT!
How do I deal with all this - I feel like I'm going to crack!
(BTW, my husband isn't a devil or evil git, just very confused in life, he's not nasty, just mucked up! Deep down the thing he wants the most is a family, he used to say to me that he loves his little family he had quite a hard childhood, divorced parents, brought up by a very strict dad, no idea of what relationships are like)

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Ewe · 30/11/2008 20:46

Hi Smudgie

Just a bit of advice, use paragraphs and spacing when posting as that just comes over as a huge chunk of text and is incredibly hard to read.

Sorry to hear about your seperation.

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honestfriend · 30/11/2008 21:58

I know you are in a state, but you need to step back and try to see that he has issues that HE needs to sort out- not you.

At the risk of sounding cliched- I'd say why not go together for counselling?

You both have issues that need airing. I don't know him at all, but he sounds as if he is elf-indulgent- thinking of his own needs all the time and not his responsibility to you are his family.

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smudgie80 · 30/11/2008 22:00

thanks. appreciate your answers and I know you are right
Life is a little bit rubbish, but hey ho, am going to join the gym tomorrow to get some ME time!

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OptimistS · 30/11/2008 22:18

Smudgie, I agree with honestfriend. Reading your post, you actually sound very tolerant of your husband's behaviour and very reasonable at trying to see things from his point of view. This may be part of the problem. Sometimes what we think is tolerance is actually bad judgment and an unwillingness to take control of the situation. I can say this because I am guilty of the same thing.

I still have a bond with my ex. Despite physical and psychological abuse, and an incredibly bitter break up, now that time has passed and we get along amicably, I realise that I do have an unbreakable bond with him. I probably always will do. He is the father of my children and before and during the awful times, we had some great times.

Despite the abuse, my ex isn't and wasn't a bad person. He had a difficult childhood that can explain where all his relationship issues stem from. He was capable of great generosity and understanding on occasion. However, as soon as he was taken out of his comfort zone, he reverted to behavioural patterns he was familiar with - what he'd experienced while growing up. This was painfully apparent most after we'd had children.

The biggest favour I did myself was to realise that despite the fact that all his bad behaviour could be understood and sympathised with, it was not an excuse. As an adult, poor childhood or not, he had the capability to change. After all, plenty of people come from abusive backgrounds and don't end up being abusive themselves. My ex's inability to change basically stems from people like me (and now his current girlfriend) continuing to enable his behaviour by making it the easier option for him and excusing it when it happens. Until lack of responsibility is met with painful consequences, why will he change? Sadly, love for another is rarely, if ever, enough. It's also possible that he may never change.

I'm going on and on, sorry. But the point I'm trying to make, as honestfriend has, is that these are his issues and only he is capable of a) wanting to change and b) making that happen.

I appreciate what you are saying about the economic situation but as a non-working single mother you'd be entitled to benefits and housing benefit/council tax, which would see your housing costs covered. Your husband is working so will be able to afford his costs. Do you own your flat together? Despite the financial difficulties, I don't see any reason why one of you (preferably him) cannot leave and live elsewhere. As he has so many friends he keeps wanting to go out with, can he not stay with one of them for a couple of weeks in order to give you both some thinking time?

I hope that he realises what he is jeapordising (sp?) and that you work things out and have a long, happy future together. But if not, please don't let fear of being a single parent stop you from making what might be the right decision for you. Yes it's painful and requires adjustment in the beginning, but it can turn out surprisingly great. I love being a single parent and right now would not change my life in the slightest (well, apart from winning the lottery or something .

Good luck. I hope things improve soon.

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