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Relationships

Was going to post in AIBU but know the answer would be yes.

88 replies

pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:21

It was my 31st birthday on Tuesday, not a biggie but on my 30th I was heavily pregnant so we delayed the celebrations.

I have a 10 month DD, I love her dearly but am on a years maternity leave and finding it fairly stressful (a lot of the time).

On my actual bday we went to a childrens play farm. If shes happy, I am happy

This weekend has been reserved for months for a "surprise" weekend away for me and DH.
We were going to go for 2 nights but I suggested just the 1 night, and explicitly said that I would miss DD if we went for 2 (but not staying for 1).

Anyway, DH booked lovely (if over priced) spa hotel with treatments (again lovely but over priced and we arent very well at the moment, but we are surviving)

Anyway I tried to relax on the whole cost thing (made him take my bday present back for a refund to his credit card last week!). I don't mind not having a present, this weekend was the gift.

Anyway, we arrived at hotel 2pm Saturday and had a relaxing afternoon together and a nice meal out at 8pm.

10am this morning, we set off for our walk out (and I was so looking forward to "us" time, not worrying about DD, not worrying about being some place warm for feeds etc) and my parents and DD are there as a "surprise".

Mmmmmmmmm, I was not impressed.

I tried to be ok (after all they had driven over an hour to be with us and they had looked after DD the night before) but I couldnt help being upset about losing my time with DH.

Worse, we have badly fallen out. On the journey home (with a grumpy over tired DD) I ended up silently crying (I am a bit of a drama queen as he knows) and he said that i was ungrateful blah blah blah

So is it unreasonable to have wanted today to be me rather than DD's mum? Am I a rubbish mum, rubbish daughter and rubbish wife or just a spoilt cow?!

Its just that we havent had any time to ourselves (during the day) since DD arrived and I was so looking forward to it. DH had obviously thought I would miss DD, which I was a bit but am with her 24/7.

Also she has a cold and cough and practically I dont think it was sensible and we had to change our walk plans. I just wanted a day to be selfish but DH says that I am bang out of order, and we arent even speaking now.

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:24

Feeling a bit delicate so please tell me off nicely.

On the one hand I know how lucky I am but the other part of me is so upset that DH didnt know that I needed a rest from DD, I always say that I do.

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ANTagony · 30/11/2008 20:25

Tell him you love him and you were looking forward to us time. He went to effort, you appreciated it then you bumped suddenly back to being parents rather than lovers.

Try and book another session as lovers, not at a glam hotel but maybe ask your family/ someone if they can have DD for lunch and meet him from work.

Its so tough with a little one, I know my x walked out. Don't let this come between you.

Happy Birthday BTW

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onepieceoflollipop · 30/11/2008 20:26

I don't think you are unreasonable for feeling like that BUT I do think you are a little unreasonable to have such a big row about it. I think that he misjudged the situation tbh. He took you at your word that you would miss your dd if you went for 2 nights, and probably thought you would be missing her by the next morning.

You did have almost 24 hours couple time.

I personally think you should try and make up, thank him for trying to make things so special. Explain that you were a little to see dd and your parents so early.

If you continue the falling out then he is unlikely to try and treat you again.

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nickytwotimes · 30/11/2008 20:26

Oh dear.

I wouldn't have thought yabu at all.

I would have wanted to savour the time with dh alone too, so I understand what you mean.

Make it up with him now - end the day on a better note.

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onepieceoflollipop · 30/11/2008 20:27

Also I would add that there are so many things that couples can fall out about, especially when we have los. I truly think that if you are a "drama queen" (your words) then you might want to address this at some point.

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MinkyBorage · 30/11/2008 20:28

yanbu, I really can sympathise. Just make friends with him, he was very very well intentioned, and after this it won't happen again, he'll have got the message. Poor bloke, feel a bit sorry for him as he thought he was doing the right thing. Bless him.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 30/11/2008 20:29

Sorry - but you know the answer to this!

You have given your DH a whole load of mixed messages about this weekend, I'm not surprised he didn't get it right.

Actually I think it was a lovely thing that he organised, as he obviously thought that you would be missing DD. Why on earth would you say one night away but not two if not?

Stop being a mardy cow and forgive him!

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Bink · 30/11/2008 20:30

Poor you. A whole lot of crossed wires.

However, everyone's else's mistakes were about trying to make you happy - your mistakes were about not being able to put aside your own disappointment. So, not saying you're selfish, as you couldn't help it, but ... everyone else has been completely unselfish in this. Their unselfishness had the wrong effects, but their motives were so right.

So find your dh, and say you're really sorry for not being able to cope with the disappointment, and that you think it's all to do with a generally tough time you're having, but you really so much looked forward to being just with him, and you are going to try and face things, and can he please let you organise something to show how you appreciate him. Then take him to the movies, or something really simple neither of you can build up too much, and leave dd with your (very nice sounding) parents.

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:32

Thank you. He has said that he is never going to make any sort of effort for me again.

He also says that it is weird that I should be so "against" seeing DD, but its like you say it makes me DD's mum rather than "me" and this weekend was promised (18 months ago) as "me" time.

I don't even value expensive things and would be happy in a cheap B&B, perhaps happier really as I wouldnt be worrying about cost.

We got on with the afternoon today but I did the very girly thing (or just me thing) of "its X time, we must now find somewhere warm to feed DD", over emphasising how her needs would dominate the day. To be fair my parents and DH went with it (my dad said I had disappointment written all over my face on seeing them). I think I become a bit childish around my parents anyway.

I just wish that someone had told DH that maybe it wasn't the greatest idea but its only other new mums who seem to think that. My mum cant understand why I wasnt delighted to see DD, which then makes me feel worse (self pity isnt attractive I know)

I just feel very upset, and very upset that we have "wasted" the weekend and £'s.

DH has said some nasty stuff too but know its because I have infuriated him. He has said that I am utterly selfish, ungrateful, stupid, spoilt and should have had a "slap as a child ..!".

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thisisyesterday · 30/11/2008 20:33

awww, I do not think you are being unreasonable at all!
your treat was a lovely weekend just the 2 of you.
it was a bit silly of him to say the least, although I am sure his heart was int he right place

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smellen · 30/11/2008 20:36

Are you being unreasonable? Possibly a teensy bit. You sound like you have had a pretty nice afternoon, evening and night in a spa/hotel, and although it didn't end as you had hoped, you've had more of a break than a lot of mums. That said, I completely understand why you would want to be "you" for 24 hrs, and why you might have felt the weekend had been hijacked by your parents & DD. Sometimes the anticipation of something is better than the event itself, and when you have kids and hardly ever get out or have time to yourself, the promise of even a couple of hours' freedom can seem of paramount importance.

That said, you are not a rubbish mother, daughter or wife for feeling this way though. Every woman who looks after kid(s) full time for 10mths (and less, and more) has moments where she wants to throw a bag (not a nappy bag, but an small overnight bag with just clean knickers, a toothbrush, and a good book) in the boot of the car and take off down the open road - just momentarily.

And every couple falls out from time to time (It's how you deal with it that is important).

Don't beat yourself up over how you feel - it's normal to find the change in your life post-baby to be overwhelming and a bit stifling from time to time. IMHO it takes at least a year to really adapt to the compromises and restrictions having a child brings into your life, and even then you'll still look at the hedonistic lifestyles of your child-free friends quite wistfully.

It's probably really hard for your OH to understand how you feel, if he gets to leave the house weekdays and go off to work. He'll never understand that whole "umblical" cord thing that links you and binds you to your DD.

But he probably feels really disappointed that the special treat he planned for you has gone tits up. Could you swallow your pride and tell him you had a great time whilst it lasted.

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onepieceoflollipop · 30/11/2008 20:37

People say things in the heat of the moment, e.g. that he will never make an effort for you again.

We all have days when we are unreasonable to our dp/dh. You can't change that now. BUT you can apologise (sincerely) and like someone else suggested, organise a small treat/couple time. You may also want to talk about it with your parents, it may be that they were made to feel awkward and as if they had "got between" you and your dh.

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:40

yes he was very well intentioned (as were my parents and DD obliviously innocent!). I also feel sorry for him, more so than myself really.

I think life may be easier once I am back at work. Will probably never want "me" time then.

Have told DH that he should be flattered that I just wanted to spend the day totally with him but he doesn't understand. He genuinely can not see why I wouldn't want DD there and the more he says it the more I feel like a crap mum.

She has a nasty cough and he has said "if you wont take her to the doctors tomorrow then I will", I mean FGS does he suddenly think I am incapable as a mum. Its not that I dont love her or want to be with her or do things for her, just wanted some time out (longer than we had!)

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Alambil · 30/11/2008 20:41

I don't quite get it; you got your one night away (as per instructions), your DD was there because DH thoguht you'd be missing her (as per instructions) but you're pissed off?

I am confused... sorry.

Poor bloke; I am not surprised he got confused too!

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onepieceoflollipop · 30/11/2008 20:44

I got very self absorbed (and unhappy if I am honest) after 10 months of m/l. (not saying you are, that's how it was with me) This led to me being very niggly and nitpicking iykwim.

I think (sorry if this sounds harsh) you should probably get off mnet very soon (easier said than done ) and apologise again and say to him that you are aware you have been a bit unreasonable but don't want to discuss it any further tonight.

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:46

LFFFTA - I had said that 1 night and 2 days would be fine and I only got half a day and an evening.... ???? 1pm until 10am. Had I known how long it was going to be this would have been fantastic but I was told that we would have all day on the Sunday out walking, something that we loved to do pre DD and then she came along and it was too cold, not practical etc.

I thought that 2 nights and 3 days would be too much, both for us and my parents and DD.

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Squitten · 30/11/2008 20:47

So, apologise to him then...

He did a nice thing for you and, yes, it might not have gone exactly as you might have hoped but at least he tried!

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:48

Also (sorry) he is offended that I asked him to return the £150 coat he had bought me but genuinely (I loved it) its only because I dont want him to spend too much money on me.
Why does he get upset by it?

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southeastastra · 30/11/2008 20:49

i would have been annoyed too

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onepieceoflollipop · 30/11/2008 20:51

He may well see your insistence at returning the coat as a bigger issue (i.e. the subtext being that you do not trust him with money) If money really is a big issue and he has been so reckless that it will mean you can't afford food/heating then yes, return it. If not, accept that he has given you a very generous gift, albeit a little more extravagant than normal.

I did the same for my dh recently (special birthday) but by mutual consent we are cutting down at Christmas to compensate. Could you do the same perhaps?

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:52

ok, I will say sorry before we go to sleep.

I dont think that it will go very well.

He is watching Top Gear so it wont be appreciated if I speak within the next ten minutes.

When he was angry he said "why dont you just go off for a night and day by yourself next weekend" and I am tempted????? Would that be a weird thing to do. I would quite like to just be by myself for a bit.

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:53

I'm not earning anything (but through choice on extended ML) and he may be made redundant in the New Year, so money is a bit of an issue.

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Alambil · 30/11/2008 20:54

I think he got upset because it's your birthday, he's planned a nice day out or whatever and bought you a lovely present that you admit you LOVED and you told him to return it and got upset that the weekend wasn't quite up to expectations...

TBH I think I'd be annoyed too - he may see it as a waste of his time, that you don't even appreciate what he's done - and if you split the cost over 2 birthdays (this and your delayed 30th) it's not so extortionate. I bet that's why he splashed out a bit....

Just a shame it's all gone wrong - I think you need to do some grovelling

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pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:54

He says that nothing is ever good enough and I can see why he says that, but seriously I dont want a lot.
I would have been very happy to stay at home this weekend (just me and DH) and go to the cinema, maybe go for a swim and read our books. I am quite straight forward to please really.

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onepieceoflollipop · 30/11/2008 20:54

Saying sorry will (imo) go down a bit better than not saying sorry. Hope all is resolved soon.

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