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My nephew has tried to commit suicide .....

8 replies

fruitstick · 30/11/2008 12:10

He's 18, first year student. Had a row with his girlfriend over the phone, had been drinking, took a lot of paracetemol and then phoned her back. He's fine and has been in hospital for a few days.

His parents split up earlier in the year after years of marital difficulties and squabbles. I worry though as my DB is convinced that this has had no effect on his children whatsoever. They are still constantly bickering and often their children seem to end up stuck in the middle. All he ever talks about is what his exP has done to annoy him now.

Throughout the whole separation he has maintained that his children are fine and that they are practically adults now so can handle it. They have been left to choose who they stay with when which (although initially sounding fair) puts them in a terrible position as they are constantly having to 'choose' one or the other.

At the moment he seems to be putting DNs attempt down to his relationship with his girlfriend.

Bloody hell what does the poor boy have to do to get someone's attention!!!

He and his ExP love their children very much, they are not selfish people but have just become so self-absorbed in their own battles that they aren't noticing what's going on around them.

What do I do? How can I help?

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cornsilk · 30/11/2008 12:16

how awful fruitstick.Really don't know what you could do, maybe provide a shoulder to cry on?

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turquoise · 30/11/2008 12:45

Poor lad, poor you, poor family.

I can understand your brother seeing this particular incident as a one off, and god willing it will be - but it is well worth pointing out to him that suicide is the number one cause of death for young men in the 18 - 30 age group. Your nephew is obviously vulnerable, and clearly can't "handle it" - he needs a lot of help and support right now. It's also the age where a lot of other problems manifest in boys - schizophrenia, bulimia - all sorts of things not to mention experimenting with drugs - which lead to mental health issues all of their own.

This should be a real wake up call to your brother, does he really think that something as serious as this is just a reaction to one row?

Sorry, shouldn't be on here now but will try and link to some info when I come back.

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turquoise · 30/11/2008 12:52

There are some numbers here that might be helpful for you or your brother to talk to, or if your brother still sticks his head in the sand, you suggest them to your DN direct?

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FloraPost · 30/11/2008 13:58

Fruitstick, this sounds like a situation my family faced several years ago.

My sister was an 18-year-old 1st year student. One night at university she swallowed 60 paracetamol which she had spent 2 weeks stockpiling. She was on a medical course so knew completely what she was doing, not a cry for help. While there was one issue we knew was troubling her, she had no history of depression or anything else which might have suggested she was so desperately unhappy.

Don't underestimate how long it may take for your DN to fully recover - he may seem fine very quickly without actually being so. Those with genuine suicidal ideation can put on a brave face as soon as possible so that they aren't watched or sectioned. Also, don't underestimate the effect of this on his siblings. I was only able to let go of my anxiety about my sister 5 years after her suicide attempt. I deliberately never mentioned my own problems to my parents as I felt they had enough to worry about with her. Were it not for my saintly DP I don't think I would have coped.

As his aunt, you can help enormously. Two of our uncles and one aunt were absolutely pivotal to my sister's recovery. Your DB and his ex will be struggling to understand what has happened and may veer between blaming themselves, barking up wrong trees and utter incomprehension. They will be too close to help their son, at least at the beginning. You can provide a safe space for your DN for him to talk, or not talk, without feeling the pressure of his parents worry upon him. Write him a letter now telling him you are there for him. Take him out to dinner on his own, have him round to yours for a quiet night in or long walks in the country (don't take no for an answer). Keep on doing this. Don't tell him you understand, just be there.

I'm sure your DB is wrong that this is all about the girlfriend, but it is natural for him to search around for an explanation as it is probably far too huge for him to take in. IME I really don't think there are simple causal links between one event or situation and a suicide attempt. People are much more complex than that. Your DN probably doesn't fully understand himself. One thing you could do would be to investigate counselling services for the long term and maybe discuss these with your DB and DN a few weeks from now. The really important thing will be for him to find a counsellor he clicks with. My sister was seeing one for years afterwards, even during periods when she felt ok.

My sister is now fine. She has gone on to obtain 2 degrees and has excellent coping mechanisms for when she feels herself going down hill. Getting to this point has been slow and painful for her and for us, her family, but we all have a much better understanding of each other.

I'm sorry to have written a self indulgent essay! But I know how tough this is for families to deal with and I hope it may help you a little.

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ElenorRigby · 30/11/2008 19:46

great post flora!
fruitstick please get in touch with your nephew, hang out, talk and listen to him.
Bare in mine in this country suicide is the biggest cause of death for young men.

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fruitstick · 30/11/2008 20:12

Thank you, that is great advice from all of you.

I live quite far away but hope to catch up with him in the next week or so. He's a lovely boy and it's heartbreaking to think of him so unhappy. Am thinking of inviting his sister down for a bit of Christmas shopping to get her away from it all too (although our house is far from peace and tranquility!)

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countingto10 · 30/11/2008 20:40

Hi fruitstick, my nephew tried to kill himself when he was 15 by an overdose. He had/has a lot of issues with his parents to do with rejection and he is also gay. He tried to kill himself again last year, this time by jumping of a bridge over a busy A road. Fortunately my dad and the police got to him first (my sister found a note and her gut reaction told he was heading for the bridge). The police took him to A & E expecting him to be sectioned but the doctors decided against it. He has been under mental health teams since his first attempt, has now been diagnosed with severe bi-polar bordering on schiophrenia (sp?) and is now living in supported accommodation. He takes his medication, starts to fill better and decides to stop taking it - it is an ongoing problem (but, so far no more suicide attempts). He has ongoing issues with his mother but I have a good relationship with him and we do discuss things openly. The family takes each day as it comes.

Let your nephew know that he can discuss anything with you if he wants to. BTW my nephew can be very "intense".

Good luck.

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FloraPost · 30/11/2008 21:19

Your DN is very lucky to have you. Take each day as it comes is good advice. Good luck.

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