So.....I am a lazy useless fruitcake mum and he is a drunk C**t

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

I need to sort out my anger. He needs to sort out his drinking.

Please help, I feel so low at the minute.

I have even been avoiding my best friend because I just dont want to do anything/say anything, She has her own problems and although I know she would help me I dont want to burden her with my shit.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Are you angry primarily because of him and his drinking problem?.

He won't sort out his drink problem unless he both wants and makes a choice to - you cannot make him sort out his drinking much as you want to.

You may want to talk to Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers. Don't continue to carry the burden on your own - talk to them.

[hottotrot]

What's happened?

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

I have alot of ishoos from my past but yes, I think I am angry because of his drinking (not violent btw)

He had yet another drink last night, had a go at me for being online when dd was still up, so I said to him that he was supposed to wait until she went to bed before drinking, aswell as not having a pint before work

Anyway, I went upstairs and when I came down a couple of hours later he had drank 2 bttles of wine and 5cans of lagar,thats when I called him that

We have sat down so many times and both poured our heart out and he admits he has a problem, that he needs my support but then does nothing to sort things. I dont know how to support him without it seeming like I am nagging, he sees the look of disappointment on my face at every drink but I just dont say anything anymore.
I told him I am angry at him alot of the yime just so will end it between us then I wont have a care when he dies of liver failure Typing this is making me sob my herat out. I dont want to lose him, I dont want the kids to lose their daddy

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

I seem to always be snapping at him over nothing. Tbh, I think I am verging on having pnd (not an excuse I know) I broke down in town today because I couldnt find my purse. Im spending money we havent got and when Im doing it, I dont care. It's only after I feel guilty. I dont even go food shopping with him anymore because I feel too guilty to put anything in the trolley. I bought a coat today because I have not had a coat in two years, not even a jacket, I have been wearing one of his and I feel really guilty for buying it now.

I dunno....

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There are unfortunately no guarantees here.

It may actually take you and your DD leaving and even then he may continue to drink. That's his choice. His primary relationship well now anyway is with alcohol; you and your DD come a dim and distant second.

It is doing neither you or your DD any good at all to continue being in this situation. Your daughter is also learning from you both and is picking up on the bad vibes. Your DD for instance heard him shout at you last night.

Children as well who grow up in a household where one parent is alcoholic brings with it its own set of serious problems to these children when they are adult. Do not leave your daughter that particular legacy.

Many women who have alcoholic menfolk end up as their enablers; your role at present is one of enabling him. Not really sruprised he has talked a lot - they can talk the talk but are also manipulative and can tell you what you want to hear. They also do nothing to address their drink problem.

He is not your responsibility ultimately - you are only responsible for your own self and your DD.

Please speak to al-anon; I will put up their contact details for you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

Thank you Attila, shit, I dont just have dd though I have a 4 week old ds

Going to look at that site now.

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

What can I do about my anger, I admit I need to get it sorted. Never good at talking to people, even people I know so dont know what I would be like with a stranger. Self help maybe?

My heads spinning now, Im so confused.

As I was walking upstairs last night I told him he needs to decide what he wants in his life and then he had his drink...has he made his choice?
He rang the doctors this morning, then didnt make an appt.

[TotalChaos]

agree with dittany re:anger. you're skint and he's literally pissing money away - can see why that would make you angry. is your HV supportive/are there any nice family workers at your nearest Surestart centre you could talk things through with?

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

I'm not really making money matters any better though I have been thinking 'well, if he can not care and buy beer, then I can not care and buy stuff for the kids' which is a stupid, immature attitude to have really.

Ive never been to surestart, and, as nice as she is, I dont feel I could talk to HV about any of this.

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

Also, since getting together, my sex drive has increased, More so when I was pg, he hasnt been interested in sex for a number of months now and we havent done anything for 3 months, and the few times that we did when I was pg, I now realise that he did it just to 'keep me happy' so to speak. I dont mean to, but I keep mentioning it all the time, trying to ocme onto him, and when he turns me down I feel like shit, bu cant help myslef and I know that the more I do it, the more he wont want to.
I know sex isnt that important but we dont even have proper cuddles or kisses anymore which makes me feel worse.

[LulumamaLovesLatkes]

you have been having problems for a while, no?
he can;t stop drinking for you or the children , but for himself. i am not surprised you are angry, with two young childrne, no money and him drinking £££, don;t let him use your anger as a way to distract from his unacceptable behaviour

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

And Ill admit to being lazy, I jst cant seem to muster the energy to do anything, but when I do, I feel such a sense of achievement. I cleaned the knife and fork drawer out and I felt so so proud of myslef, how sad is that

4 weeks ago today I gave birth to my beautiful baby and he wasnt there because he couldnt do without his beer. I was all alone (apart from mw) and I hate him for that...

[LulumamaLovesLatkes]

he was not there !!!!! that would be enought for me to walk. if he was no there there because he was in the pub/ drinking at home.. then total deal breaker

of course you are tired with a newborn and a toddler.

don;t put this all on yourself.

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

I'm going out tomorrow night, I dont even want to have a drink because then he can throw that back in m face.

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

Sorry, everything's pouring out now

[LulumamaLovesLatkes]

i'll look after you tomorrow. is he staying with the DCs?

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

Yeah he is, Im a nervous about leaving them incase he has a drink, I dont think he even knows hes drinking at times he has gotten into a routine of doing things and drinknig.

Lulu, Im going to be tomorrow now

Feck it, can I get bollocked have a drink anyway

[LulumamaLovesLatkes]

don;t be daft...

[Sazisi]

pnd is a separate issue, but if you're suffering from it please get help sooner rather than later (speaking here as someone who waited until it got much worse); just taking control of that will make you feel stronger about any other decisions or changes you need to make.

Also want to say I'd feel proud if I managed to clean out the cutlery drawer too

[blinks]

i wouldn't leave a baby or child with a drunk person...(my mum would leave us with drunk dad and it was often traumatic) could you drop kids at babysitter?

all roads lead to rome where alcoholism is concerned so you need to do whats best for yourself and your children... he needs to make the move towards recovery himself, there's nothing you can do or say to change him. no amount of love or anger can make an alcoholic stop drinking.

tough love is a good approach. don't get embroiled in the behaviour or be drawn into it- alcoholics will often look to someone else to take blame and responsibility.

by all means look at your anger but don't be fooled into thinking it's caused any of this.