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advice please... DD nearly 7- has 'best friend' who keeps putting her down

20 replies

noonar · 28/11/2008 17:02

dd1 is nearly 7. she's a mature and sensitive girl, who is pretty emotionally intelligent. she can be a madam and quite bossy, but is generally kind hearted and thinks of other people's feelings.

she has recently palled up with a girl in her class who seems slightly more 'streetwise' than other girls her age. she's obsessed with fashion and clothes and has a clothing allowance- she's 6yo. anyway, her obsession with clothes seems to be rubbing of on dd, who has started to refuse to wear certain things in her wardrobe. it transpired today that the reason why, is that X has made it clear that she doesnt like some items of clothing, so now dd won't wear them.

in addition to this, she has told dd that she is fat. and that she has hairy legs. my poor dd is really beautiful. she is a sturdy sporty build with lovely olive skin. she is not stick thin like her 'friend' and she never will be. i am really concerned that these comments will start to impact on her self esteem (which isnt particularly high, as it is).

the thing is, i have alot of compassion for this 'friend' and her mum-who suffers from depression and has been left by her husband....but i am more concerned about the impact on my own dd.

the mum often approaches me on the playground. i have managed to avoid committing ourselves to a 'playdate' for some time.dd finally went to their house last week. once upstairs in her bedroom, her 'friend' reeled off a load of swear words to dd. dd was pretty shocked and told me as soon as she got home. she said she didnt tell x's mum cos she wouldnt be her friend any more if she did

have told dd to look for other friends and that REAL friends make you feel GOOD about yourself, but i could use some advice on how to handle this. esp as the gril and her mum always approach us on the playground...

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Greyclay · 28/11/2008 17:12

I wonder if you could somehow give your daughter some context or "tools" to filter the behaviour of her friend. By that I mean explain to your dd that sometimes people say and do things because of their own troubles and not necessarily because they are true. Tell your daughter that her friends family is maybe not as happy as her own and the her friends comments are not her fault. Reassure her that she is beautiful so that she retains her own self-awareness and self-confidence.

I have a very young DD and my heart breaks to think about situations in life such as this that she will need to come up against. Good luck and it sounds as though you are being a great mom.

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noonar · 28/11/2008 17:15

thanks, greyclay . she knows that X has a hard life in some ways, and i do try to tell her that when people are unkind, they are often just copying or reacting to things that they heard or may have had done to them, but i still worry about the impact.

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Greyclay · 28/11/2008 17:24

I imagine that she will be just fine...because she has you. Sadly, I suppose we can't protect them from everything or everyone. But as long as she has your love and support, she's armed and ready. She may even learn a valuable life lesson from this relationship ultimately. I think most of us have had similar experiences, learning who your true friends are and all of that. Your DD sounds just lovely.

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eekamoose · 28/11/2008 17:25

Bloody hell noonar. That sounds awful. I have a similar but not quite so serious situation with my DD and her best friend. I know and like the other mum but she is distracted by a lot going on in her life. DDs friend also has two teenage brothers and some of the things this girl comes out with (even in front of me) really make my hair curl!

It is good that your DD told you about the swear words and that this "friend" told your DD that she is fat. Great that she is confiding in you. I would advise you to do the same as me - which is to actively encourage friendships with the girls in DDs class that you do like, and to keep an eye on the situation.

I'm interested to see what other advice you get.

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noonar · 28/11/2008 17:34

greyclay, you are too kind...

eeka, this girl also has an older brother, but not teenage. its hard, isnt it? i do try to encourage other friendships, but dd seems to gravitate towards the 'cool' girls, rather than the lovely old fashioned ones. grrr...

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noonar · 28/11/2008 20:03

just dont know what to do when her mum approaches us next time, tbh. i sometimes have to fight the urge to pretend i havent seen her trying to catch my eye. i do really feel for them, though. but dont want to encourage the friendship.

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noonar · 30/11/2008 10:50

ok. am bumping this cos things have come to a bit of a head with dd this morning...she has her school xmas fair today and is performing in the choir. i got an outfit ready for her and she was being very difficult about not wanting to wear certain items, and wanting to go dressed as a white rabbit at the last minute, just because X is dressing up. eventually dd confided that these not- so- subtle put downs happen ALL the time, and that she makes nasty comments about my dd2's clothes as well as dd1!

i told her that X is not a true friend, and that i was fed up (on dd's behalf) with her unkindness. i said that we would not be going to each other's houses any more. dd seemed relieved that i was putting my foot down, tbh .

trouble s, i KNOW that this girl and her mum will be hanging around wanting to tag along with us at the fair today and i'm not sure how to handle it. i have already decided to speak to their teacher tomorrow, but that still leaves the problem of the xmas fair.

i was contemplating speaking to the mum about it, either face to face , or on the phone, but i dont wont to cause a scene and ruin anyone's day. however, i am not prepared to spend the afternoon with either of them!

advice please!!!

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NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 11:16

If you are going to talk do it face to face, it is so much easier to read someones reaction that way and adjust what you are saying to avoid serious trouble.

I know that I would not have the nerve to say anything directly, however, if I were to do that in your situation I would want to say something like...

I think there has been some trouble between X and noonardd. Noonardd is getting really upset about it and I havc decided that she is going to have to spend a bit more time with other people.

If the mum wants details then perhaps you could say that there has been a lot of critisism (sp?) going on and noonardd is getting very sensetive about it.

I am not good on these things as I am a confrontation - phob but, hopefully, it may give you some ideas?

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noonar · 30/11/2008 11:31

thanks NC.

this isnt goint to be easy. i am going to have to have a quiet word with her mum, arent i? it's unavoidable.

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NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 12:09

Well, I would say so unless you want to take the cowards option and just blatently run whenever you see her (which is what I would end up doing ). It depends on what kind of person she is as to how she will react, she my get defensive about her dd which is why I tried to word things so it is not all "your dd did..." or "Your dd makes my dd..." I don't envy you but it is the most reasonable way to handle it IMO!

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pointydog · 30/11/2008 12:29

I wouldn't say anything to the mum.

What you describe is fairly common behaviour. There will often be a couple, or a small group of girls, who set themselves apart as leaders in terms of fashion and what is cool and what's not.

I would listen sympathetically to my dd, as you are doing, and make it clear that I supported her and that her attitides were the right ones. I would talk about this friend's attitudes and have discussions about why they were not good attitudes.

I have been in a situation a little similar to this, the main difference was that the 'friend' would phone my dd directly and it was hard for my dd to get out of seeing her all the time. So I rehearsed a few excuses with her, I told her it was ok to tell a few white lies, I told her she could blame me for not meeting up (eg mum wants me to tidy my room etc).

I can see that it's trickier if you are friends with the mum and you arrange meet-ups for your dds rather than them doing it for themselves. Can't you encourage your dd to take the lead on asking friernds over? Going to a fair when all four of you are there might not be so bad as you can tell your dd to stick by you most of the time.

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pointydog · 30/11/2008 12:32

I don't think it is the coward's option, NC. It is not uncommon for girls to call each other fat, uncool, comment on clothes etc. It is pretty unlikely the mums of these girls will respond well to having hte issue raised. There is a high chance that the mums also value fashion and appearances and popularity wuite highly.

By talking your child through stratgeis, I see it as helping them to deal with these situations in the future too, without a parent stepping in. And this sort of thing is very likely to arise again in one form or another.

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NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 12:46

PD, my experience has been different, I have not found that children call each other things like this, on the one occasion that a child came to the school who did do this each of the children quietly removed themselves from her until she was on her own. They then came back one at a time. Each time she made nasty comments they wandered off again until she learnt. The children I know simply won't stand for that kind of thing and good for them!

It is not ok to behave like this and it is ok to expect more for your child.

I do not see this as normal child behaviour but, as you can see, I did not say the op shoudl directly challenge the behaviour but should be a bit more vague about it. I agree that saying something like "your child is fashion obsessed and is making my dd feel really bad about herself" would not help!

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pointydog · 30/11/2008 12:53

"It is not ok to behave like this and it is ok to expect more for your child."

absolutely. No one's disagreeing there.

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noonar · 30/11/2008 15:16

ok, i would accept that this is fairly common behaviour within groups of girls aged 8 plus, perhaps, but they are still six .part of the reason why i want my dd to avoid X is that she is so precocious in this respect.

thankfully, there is still a good number of kind hearted, 'old fashioned' children at dd's school, who dont have a concept yet of what is cool.

anyway, back to the school fair. i am to say that i took the cowards approach and steered clear of the mum, even though i could see her a few times in my peripheral vision trying to get my attention. part of the reason i didnt approach her is that i felt that it wouldnt have been the time or the place tohave such a conversation. i may well approach her back at school, if the moment seems right. i kind of think i owe her an explanation. i am not friends with her as such, but she does always try to strike up conversation. i feel that to say nothing would be two faced.

also, i have given dd some strategies for avoiding playing with her daughter. the girl too deserves an explanation, as dd has spent a lot of time with her recently, and she will be confused by dd shunning her all of a sudden.

the class teacher was at the fair, and i have arranged to pop in to see her at the end of school tomorrow.

tis hard...

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pointydog · 30/11/2008 15:24

I agree that your dd needs to give explanations to her ex-friend. That is essential. She must be able to explain what a good friend means to her and why thi s other girl is not being nice. It's fine if you don't talk to the mum but your dd needs to explain confidently to her ex-friend what's going on.

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noonar · 30/11/2008 15:29

pointy, given than her behaviour has been a subtle form of emotional bullying, it will be quite hard for my dd to state her case with confidnece. if there wasnt a power imbalance in the relationship, then the situation wouldnt have arisen. i told her to tell X. she said 'i'm not strong enough mummy'

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pointydog · 30/11/2008 15:31

I realise all that. It's ok. We have a different approach and that's fine

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noonar · 30/11/2008 15:37

pointy, i wouldnt say necessarily that we have a radically different approach, i think its more a question of our dd's being a different age. from your post about your dd and her friend arranging stuff on the phone, i'm guessing that they're a little older. i totally agree that standing on her own 2 feet is important and as is being assertive with her friend. i just think its quite alot to ask of a 6 year old (7 in march).

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NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 15:39

PD and noonar, I agree that the girl deserves some kind of explanation, even if it is just to say, you don't make me feel good when you say things like that.

Perhaps you could suggest the teacher do a "circle time" (well that is what our school call it) focused on friendships and how a good friend behaves. Ours do things like suggesting things that a good friend can say and do and talking about the things a not-so-good friend does. They also talk about playing with other people if your friend is not behaving nicely and suggests to everyone that, if they see that kind of thing, they take the "victim" into their group of friends to play.

As I said above it does work well and my children (the eldest now 13) have a good strategy for dealing with these behaviours and know they will be backed up by their friends.

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