relationship crap - need some advice (sorry long)

[Abitsadatmin]

I've been thinking about posting this for a while now, but didn't really know what to put down without sounding round the twist. To be honest i'm not sure if having our dd 5 months ago is making things worse or not. Although these feelings have been going on for a few years. I have come to the conclusion I do love dh...but I don't like him....does that make any sense? I love him because he is the father of my 2 dc's, and because I suppose I have know him 13 years, and he's not a bad person. I just don't know what to do.I have tried talking to him many times about issues we have and nothing ever gets resolved. We don't talk about anything unless it's to do with the family, household, or his hobby. He asks me how I am when he gets in from work, but it's like a robot asking...he's not expecting any reply other than yeah ok...We have money issues and have done for nearly 2 years since we went bankrupt. The bankruptcy was totally his fault, he ran up debts twice which ended up in us losing our home. We now live in rented, which is fine, but I would like to own my own home again one day....he says he does....but does no planning towards it. I have to do all the household maintenance, and if I can't do it I have to ask my dad or brother. He never makes a point of thanking them.....he's just come to expect it. I even have to sort my own car out, oil, tyres etc....which I know i can do, but I have 2 kids to look after also. We have no heating on at the min, as I have been asking him to check the oil, it ran out...can't get any more til next week. He has a hobby which takes up most of his waking thoughts. Now we are strapped for money, he either sells items to buy other items, or he borrows money from his boss, and pays him back weekly out of his wages.He only finished paying one lot 3 weeks ago, which was for some items for his hobby, he has now taken another 450 quid for another item which means we are going to have less money each week just before xmas. What kind of person does this?! Regarding our sex life....nothing...it's never been that good, i'm surprised I managed to have to dc, but i asked him the other day and he just said that I have the 2 kids I wanted and he couldn't be bothered with all the sweaty time consuming sex, he had better things to do that made me feel so bad, esp as I have issues with my body after giving birth 5 months ago
He loves his kids, but doesn't spend massive amounts of time with them. He always does his hobby on a sunday, and because the weather has been rubbish I said a few weeks back that he could use his sat up til the last weekend before xmas, not expecting him to actually take me up on it! When I started talking about the last weeknd before xmas, saying What I would like to do with dc's over the weekend, he said that he was still going out on the sunday as normal.
The more I type down the more pissed off i'm becoming, am I being unreasonable?
He's been pushing me to get a job since my dd was 3 weeks old. He says I can work in the evenings, but not the weekend as he doesn't want dc's as he can't do his hobby.
He very rarely helps round the house, occasionlly does the hoovering downstairs, or load dishwasher.
i'm noteven sure what i'm asking you guys to comment on, i suppose am i blowing things out of proportion, am i setting myself up for a depressing life and i should get out now. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, i'm only 33 fgs! How are the dc's going to cope, ds hero worships dh.
has anyone been in this situation and how was it resolved. Am i thinking that the grass is greener but in reality it's not....i just don't know what to do for the best.....i know i should put my kids first but is staying really better for them?

[lovecat]

I don't normally post on the relationship threads as I don't feel I've got an awful lot of useful experience to offer, but MY GOD!!

You ask about how your dcs will cope, but tbh you appear to be living the life of a single parent at present, only with the added worry of this selfish man's debts, overspending and badgering you to find a job 3 WEEKS after a new baby.

I'm actually seething on your behalf.

You are not being unreasonable, nor, I think, blowing things out of proportion. How much of a gap is there between your DCs? It almost sounds like he resents you for wanting another child and denying you sex/affection and retreating into his hobby is his way of 'punishing' you for it. Kind of a 'you wanted this, you deal with it' thing?

I'm truly flabbergasted at the selfishness of this person. I have a very time-consuming hobby which I spend a fair bit of money on, but it's my own money and if I don't have it, it doesn't get spent. And I wouldn't dream of putting DD before it - thankfully it doesn't impact my weekends otherwise I wouldn't do it. When you've got children, you can't, can you?

One thing that does strike me is that you are probably emotionally still quite vulnerable after giving birth and his pushing you to get a job (very convenient, that would sort out his money troubles, wouldn't it?) is not helping your frame of mind. However, he is getting away with murder, imho!

Personally I would sit him down and have a serious discussion to see exactly what he thinks about the situation, how he thinks things should continue and then let him know how you see it, what you want and need from the relationship. If there's no meeting of minds and he's not prepared to compromise, well... I can't advise on whether you should leave him or not, only you know how you feel about him, but if it were me I'd have read him the riot act a while ago and if he'd continued to behave in that disrespectful, inconsiderate manner, he'd have been out on his arse.

If he doesn't want to lose you and his children, then he should be willing to change. At present he doesn't have much incentive though, as his life seems to be very cushy.

Anyway, that's my twopennorth, don't know if it's any use, hopefully someone who has been through this or something like it will come along and offer better advice than me!

[Abitsadatmin]

Thank you for replying lovecat, I didn't want my post to become a total bitchfest at my dh, but when you write stuff down it can't help to become such a thing. I've only scratched the surface on here......your prob right about the kids, he does love them to bits on his terms, but he has said on more than one occasion that he's unsure whether he did the right thing by having kids as they stop him doing what he wants to do....which makes me very
Before debts and dc, I used to sail a lot, small boats and race yachts, now I do nothing because we don't have the money, and I don't have the time, but to me thats fine, I love spending time with dc and i'm sure i'll get back to it one day, but he's given up nothing for our dc.
Regarding work, he says that I stay at home and look after dc , ds is 2.5, so I should do everything to do with the home and dc, and he needs his time away to do his hobby as he works all week. I don't get any time off....ever...he'll very rarly offer to take ds out with him, but its usually got something to do with his hobby somewhere.
I wasn't sure if I was suffering pnd, I would do anything for dc and feel like i'm still in some sort of control when it comes to them, so I figured its just my crap life which is getting me down.
I wouldn't know where to start on my own. ds has just started preschool and is very happy there......i'm not sure i have the strength to leave, otherwise I would have done something about it by now wouldn't i??

[lovecat]

Oh, abitsad, I'm so sorry yet so annoyed on your behalf!

DH came out with some similar shite early on in DD's babyhood - I've been working hard all week therefore I'm entitled to sleep/watch footie all weekend because "it's MY weekend", like I'd been sat on my arse doing nothing all week (and not dying of loneliness, pnd and coping with an extremely refluxy baby!).

Needless to say, words were had, sharpish, and he now accepts (although I suspect that somewhere inside him still is a small sulky person saying 'not fair'!) that he was being a selfish prat, that life has changed and until DD is at Uni or has left home it will not be the same again.

The fact is, your DH DOES have DCs. Unless you drugged him, tossed him off and did the nasty with a turkey baster to get pg, he must have had some input into the process and cannot wash his hands of responsibility just because it's not like he thought it would be. Sorry to sound harsh, but he needs to grow a pair and accept that he has responsibilities which are not going to go away. If you did happen to split up, he'd have to spend every other weekend with them, wouldn't he? What about his precious hobby then?

Actually I may be being harsh because this 'oh, poor me, my life has changed so much and I work so hard I need my rest/hobby/pub' presses my own buttons, so forgive the ranting.

It could be that he's depressed and is concentrating on the hobby as an escape from his problems - certainly, the borrowing money from his boss to pursue it suggests that it's become more important in his mind than his family - that sounds harsher than ever, but you see what i mean? If he's borrowing £450 at a time while his family are struggling, that's either disgusting selfishness or signs of fleeing reality, which made me suggest possible depression.

Has he seen his GP lately? Would he take kindly to you suggesting he does?

As for you leaving? Why should you be the one to leave? If it came to that (and if you love him I hope it doesn't), then he should be the one to go.

Anyway, take care of yourself and see if you can get him to understand (without braining him with a mallet) that you have been working hard too and you are as entitled to some free time as much as he is - and, given that your childcare is your work (and bloody hard work too), surely he must see he's being unreasonable expecting you to do your 'job' 7 days a week without respite. Depressed or not, he really needs to pitch in at weekends.

Good luck

[unavailable]

Your husband sounds completely obsessed with his hobby and very emotionally detached.Does he have a tendency to get obsessed? My first thought was - is he autistic? (What is the hobby btw?)

[Abitsadatmin]

He is obsessed totally.....He flys model aircraft.

[littlelyn]

Lovecat has said it all. Either your husband is having a mid-life crisis / delayed reaction following the bankruptcy or he is a complete selfish pig. If it was me, I'd read him the riot act - you need equal "me time" to that he assumes for himself. And hey, what about some "couple time"? The borrowing money is a worry and he needs to be reminded of his responsibilities - how would he react if you spent beyond your means?

My brother and SIL sought advice from Relate a few years ago as their marriage was on the brink and they managed to turn it round - both are much better people for it actually. The key is though to get DH to acknowledge that you can't go on like this.

I feel for you and hope you manage to sort this out for the best.

[littlelyn]

Model aircraft? - boy, he needs to grow up and how utterly selfish!! Was he into this when you met him?

[themoon66]

Model aircraft

I was assuming it was the sailing boats you mentioned earlier.

Model aircraft

[Abitsadatmin]

No he wasn't into his 'hobby' when we met, it's something from his childhood he rekindled.
I can count on one hand the outings we have had together as a family this year and thats not inc my thumb!
And thats also inc birthdays together!
I'll have the conversation with him and his reply will be , i work hard all week why can I not have one day thats mine, which doesn't sound unreasonable on its own, but add it with everything else and its taking the piss.
So tell me.....whats your day to day relationships like, do you share responsibilites dc, money, house etc...what sort of things do you talk about?

[lovecat]

And the answer to that (why can't I have one day that's mine) is because we are a FAMILY and when do I ever get MY day?

As I said before, I have a very time consuming hobby (amdram) and am currently directing our Christmas show, which is taking every spare moment of my time right now.

However - that's every 'spare' moment - ie evenings once DD is in bed, lunch hours at work, the odd Saturday afternoon when DH has sole charge of her or she has a playdate arranged (a friend and I do reciprocal playdates - it's great!). the rest of the time (okay, I'm MNing today inbetween baking cakes for the school bazaar rather than tidying my house, but that's a bit like cleaning out the augean stables, so I don't care too much if it goes to pot occasionally!)

Now, DH does get a bit huffy sometimes, but my hobby is intermittent (ie after New Year I won't be doing anything til March) and only 2 nights a week til the show runs. I also try to stay aware of when he's developing a huff so that we talk about it and sort it out.

One thing that came out of the sharp word I mentioned in an earlier post was that I wanted one day of the weekend to be a family day, where we all went and did something together, and one night a week was 'us' time. I think that has helped immeasurably - in 'return' if there's an important football match on I will do my best to arrange an activity for DD that will keep her out of his hair so he can watch in peace. We also do alternate sleep in days - mine is Saturday, his is Sunday - the deal is we get to lie in til 9 (oh, the luxury) with no disturbances.

As regards the house, money, etc, I work p-t and don't earn bad money, however DH's wage far outstrips mine and I think in the back of his mind there is a residual feeling of 'I shouldn't have to do stuff around the house because I earn more'. He does try and suppress it, though, bless him!

We have a cleaner for a few hours a week and that helps hugely, as neither of us are instinctively tidy people... I do the cooking, because I enjoy it, and DH does the washing up/packs the dishwasher. We have an ongoing niggle about whether cleaning worksurfaces constitutes washing up or cooking, but that's our own personal sadness! We each do our own washing although that means I end up doing DD's. he takes her to school in the morning and I pick her up as it fits in with our working patterns. Speaking of which, I'd better go get her!

And one thing we try not to do (although it's very hard) is get into competitive tiredness - you know, the sort of thing where you're worn out from a hard day with the DCs and he comes in 'ohh, I'm SO tired' and flakes out on the sofa when all you want to do is throw the children at him and slump down yourself - both parties end up feeling that the other doesn't fully appreciate their personal pain and it can lead to great resentment. I try (because I'm very good at doing it) to recognise when I'm being like this and either stop it or make a joke of it. We're both knackered, but the jobs still have to be done....

Hth

[littlelyn]

We both work full-time, we share the cooking 50/50 as fortunately we both enjoy it. I do all the housework and washing as he pleads complete ignorance in that department and this perhaps is my only axe to grind in our relationship. He does however do all the gardening and household and car maintenance chores.

Since day one we have operated the "what's mine is yours" approach to money and have a rule that if we wish to spend more than £100 on ourselves that we check in with each other first. Like lovecat we do alternate sleep in days at the weekend plus if he wants to play golf or go to a rugby match at the weekend we establish a plan for the weekend to make sure we both get some "free" time. We always try to do something altogether as a family each weekend, varying from Sunday lunch out to a cinema trip or a swim.

As for conversation - we talk about DD, family, future plans for house/holiday, lots of trivial stuff and avoid talking about money and work. We've also learned to not go down the competitive tiredness route!!! (V. well put lovecat )

Have you thought of taking DC away for weekend - Center parcs or something similar? A family orientated short break might help you clarify your feelings for him.

[Abitsadatmin]

unfortunatly we couldn't afford to go away for the weekend at the minute.

[TheMightyMarge]

I think it's a good idea to ask other people how they arrange things, as obviously, you are not sure whether you are being unreasonable or not (YOU'RE NOT!!!).

My husband and I have a very equal relationship and a very good marriage (but of course have our struggles and bad times, just like anyone else ;)). On a day-to-day basis, it works like this:
-We both work; he full time and I 4 days a week; he earns much more, but all our money is family money. I spend much more
-2 dc, 7 and 2.5
-every other morning I get up with the little ones, feed/dress them and make lunches, he does the same on the alternate day. The other person stays in bed until 8-ish on weekdays. On weekends obv. we each get a long lie in.
-we share the collection on the same every other day basis (except for my day off - so it works out him 2 days and I 3 days a week)
-cooking is shared, although he prob does more than 50%
-I do all the washing, he does all the washing up
-he does all the gardening etc, I do all the clothes/present buying/ play-date arranging that you need to do with dc
-we have a cleaner, but before that we both used to clean together in the weekends (I'd do tyding, bathrooms and dusting, he'd do vacuuming, mopping and window polishing)

When I stayed at home when the dc were smaller, we still did things this way - since childminding was my job, not being a housewife. My husband has never been resentful and tried to get out of his responibility. Often (particularly when the dc have been ill - which seems to happen quite often), we are at the end of our tether, but we try to deal with it together and have been known to bitch about the dc and how good we'd have it without them....we don't mean it of course!! It's just kind of "we could be going out to eat every night and go to cool unknown cities at the weekend" hahahahhaha, it's just for a laugh and to say to each other that it's hard without being super moany.
We have lovely food and wine every day, and a chat while we make/eat the food, so I do feel like we have a very good quality of life.

We have our fights about stuff, but honestly, I'd MUCH rather do it alone than endure what your are going through. We both had hobbies before dc and active social lives, but these things change. I go out w my friends maybe 1 a month and he maybe 1 every 2 months - we're about to be ready to do more, but until now the focus has been on the small children.

In a relationship, there are two people that are worth the same - having a penis does not buy you some ticket for being lazy and irresponsible!

That's just my opinion. Good luck.

[blinks]

think your view of what is acceptable in a relationship has been slowly eroded over time so it's harder to have a clear perspective.

you need to establish whether or not there's a salvageable relationship there because unless he made MAJOR changes, i would be calling time on it or at the least seeing a marriage counsellor.

he's not doing anything singularly heinous but collectively it's horrible, confidence eroding, marriage wrecking stuff.

you shouldn't need to convince him either... it needs to mostly come from him ie he needs a major realisation.

be brave and do something bold... maybe show him this thread.

[themoon66]

Just been talking about this thread to my DH... hope you don't mind OP.

I told him about the model planes. He said..'oh yes, I can see they would take up a lot of time and his missus is being unreasonable'.

Then I said.. 'yeah, but they have small children'.

DH then changed his tune, shook his head and said 'daft bloke - doesn't he know he's missing out on his little ones, they'll be stroppy teens who don't want to be seen with him soon enough, then he'll regret it'.

[thepuddingchef]

I'm not sure what to think anymore. We had a huge arguement yesterday about it, but it all fell on deaf ears. He used the old arguement that he has one day out of 7 and that he works all week so why shouldn't he, plus if it was that much of a problem then I should go out to work instead of him, then it was why don't you get a hobby, but you can't do it on a sunday wtf??
Then it was said that we should just call it a day as it's always going to be an issue, but I have to leave, because he said I can't afford to live in our house on my own
I just don't know how to argue my point effectively, he just puts me down instantly.
He spent the 450 quid yesterday on his hobby, and we can't even afford to buy a xmas tree in our local diy store which is 30 quid
He'll never change, I just hope he realises that when he sees pics of me and the kids he notices that he is never in them cos he's never there and he has missed out. You can't get these years back once there gone. right got to go and put another layer on as we have no heating as oil ran out and another blanket on dd.

[thepuddingchef]

fucking name changing....bollocks bollocks bollocks

[thepuddingchef]

I can't even get namechanging right
Oh well......i do know a couple of mnetters in rl, now they know what a shit of a life I have....hope they don't see this

[lovecat]

Oh, sweetheart... I'm sorry I wasn't around on Sunday - hope you're feeling a bit better...

Your OH is a spawny get! And that's putting it mildly... Very on your behalf.

See a lawyer. Go to the CAB tomorrow. Find out your rights, he CANNOT make you leave, of course you can afford to live in your house on your own, because HE has to contribute while your children are still there!

How much feckin' money will he have to spend on his stupid hobby when the CSA are on his arse? Does he stop to think about that? I bet he doesn't, because I bet the smug get thinks you've been too browbeaten by his nonsense to act. He's eroded your self-confidence and made you think you can't answer him back effectively. Yes you can. There is support here for you. If I were you I'd give the fecker the shock of his useless life and take control of the situation.

I've read back what you wrote in your last post but one and it's heartbreaking. Do you really think he'll notice that he's missing from the family photos? Sadly I think he's far too self-absorbed to care. It is definitely his loss, but if he can't see that... well. I'd be of a mind to let him see how good it is to be on his own, how much spare time and money he'll have to give over to his hobby when he's got the kids every other weekend and having to pay you maintenance - oooh, sorry for the rant, but he's pissed me off and I don't even know the man!

Sending you good vibes and happy thoughts. Don't let him grind you down into thinking that you're being unreasonable. You're not. He's a fuckwit.

[littlelyn]

He doesn't deserve you or your DCs. How dare he bully you like this and deny the family a Christmas Tree in preference of his stupid, senseless hobby. You'd all be better off without him and he has no grounds to say that it would have to be you and DCs that leave. I'd call his bluff and say that if it was you that had to go then the DC would have to remain and then he would lose out entirely on his Sunday ritual.

Do you have a good relationship with his parents? If so I'd have them over for Sunday lunch as his absence would speak volumes.

I'd also speak to his boss on the QT to make it known that his amenability to lend your "DH" money is denying your DC the Christmas they deserve.

Take care x