Just told a friend something very personal, and now feel really uncomfortable

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

I've name changed for this purely because I am a complete coward and hold my cards close to my chest on this one. And I'm sorry it's ended up really long, I hope someone can be bothered to read!

I didn't have a great childhood as my mother was an alcoholic and got very violent with it - that's when she wasn't absent from our lives altogether for weeks/months at a time. About 12 years ago I pretty much had a breakdown stemming from trying to come to terms with things, I was supported by some fantastic friends and professionals and really have never looked back. In fact I have even built an adult relationship with my mother which albeit isn't devoid of problems, is there, and is ok for what it is. Apart from the two friends (a couple) who took me in to their home, got me help, and were fantastic until I was "sorted" no one else in my current life knows what I went through either then or as a child (oh except DH of course) - it's not that I actively hide it, I just don't want it to define me. Anyway, this afternoon I was chatting with a wonderful friend, who I trust completely and we were talking about parenthood and I was trying to explain that if you don't have a good role model then it can sometimes be hard to know how to parent (recent thread about this). She questioned me further and I ended up "confessing" to her that I had a violent childhood. I had to leave shortly afterwards so she didn't really get the opportunity to ask anything else. Anyway, she was visibly shocked that a) that had happened and b) that she didn't know. And now I've come home and feel so exposed, so vulnerable. I love her dearly, I trust her implicitly, yet I really wish I could rewind to this morning and not have told her. And now I'm not sure what to do? Should I email her and ask her not to tell any of our other friends (I don't think she would but I want to be sure), or does that make even more a big a deal of it than I want? Do I ignore the fact we ever had the conversation (it was really very brief and not at all detailed). I don't want her to feel awkward with me, or that I was keeping things from her - it's not about that, I don't tell anyone! But I also don't want her thinking that by not telling people it must be a problem for me - because overall it's not. Ok, I do sometimes struggle with parenting in that I do have to really think about it, it doesn't particularly come naturally how to deal with some things - loving my child comes naturally but sometimes dealing with his behaviour I'm left flailing. And why do I feel so horrid this afternoon since coming home and I can't get it out of my mind?

By coincidence I am seeing the female half of the couple who know everything this evening, but there will be another friend there (another good friend who I'm not actively hiding things from but who doesn't know, except she may have guessed years ago), so I can't really talk to her tonight.

I feel so confused and like I sometimes did 12 years ago, why?

[ggglimpopo]

I would write her a letter, saying pretty much what you said in your posting.

I am sure she will understand.

[monkeymonkeymonkey]

Do you still feel like what happened is your fault? If you do that might explain why you feel so uncomfortable with people knowing?

I dont think that what you have said would define you for people. I have friends who have had horrendous upbringings, but it isnt part of how I think of them, IYSWIM.

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

Do you think? I'm worried that if I do that I make it in to something that's bigger than it is?

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

I don't think so monkeymonkeymonkey but to be honest I haven't even thought about it for years until recently. My grandmother (dad's mother) is dying and she was wonderful to me, took me in when everything was awful and I think it's really upsetting me because of that, I don't know. oh god, now I'm crying. I haven't bloody cried about this for years.

[mankymummy]

you are feeling confused because by telling someone you have made it real again.

I had a pretty similar childhood to what you describe, alcoholic mother who just disappeared for days/weeks/months. Up until about 5 years ago I told no-one whatsoever and then all of a sudden I told someone.

All over again once I had spoken about it, I felt guilty, like it was my fault. Worthless, insecure etc. But it did get better, and now i can talk about it freely to anyone.

I spent so long hiding it as a child that I had got myself into a situation where it was something shameful, but the shame being mine rather than hers.

I'm sure your friend will understand why you didnt tell her about it before.

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

I guess I don't want people to think I'm needy, that I'm weird, not really the right words - the best way to describe it is that I don't want it to be part of me, I know it is and I can't escape that, but I don't want it to define who I am, the relationships I have etc etc.

[Overmydeadbody]

If she's a good friend that you trust implicitly then I don't think there is any need to try to explain things further via a letter or email, just leve it, she is unlikely to tell anyone else. What I would do is just clarify or explain things further next time you see her if you want to.

She will respect you for having told her and not judge you on any of it. Don't worry. I know how you feel about making yourself vulnerable, but if she is a good frined it will be ok.

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

yes that's it - it feels real again

[Flightattendant2]

What happened when you were a kid has no bearing on how people see you now IME.

You are not to blame for it. Please take care xx

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

OMDB - she is a good friend, truly. You're right. I think I'm more confused as to why I'm now sat here in a bit of a state when I thought it was all done and dusted.

[shootfromthehip]

This may sound naff but telling people can be empowering- you choose who you tell and how you tell them. Your fear is about the lack of control. I am the 'Adult Child of an Alcoholic' too and you do carry certain hangups through life. Trust issues (yours and not your friends') can be a major one of them.

Can't remember who wrote it but the book 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' is worth a read.

[mankymummy]

please dont worry about what people will think of you if they find out.

i was so worried about friends feeling sorry for me but it was the total opposite.

after i had told a couple of friends I overheard them talking about it and the general gist was that they were proud of me for being so normal after a childhood like that.

it does define who you are, you can't get away from it. but if you have rebuilt your life then you are a much stronger person than most, and you should be proud not ashamed.

[shootfromthehip]

Janet Geringer Woititz wrote that book- there is an updated version that is better than the 1990 original.

[blueskyandsunshine]

I think the same as OMDB. She won't judge you on it and I wouldn't personally write or go out of my way to say anything soon. But if the opportunity arises, which it will of coures with good friends, it might come quite naturally to say something, even say that it feels odd to have told her as no one but dh knows.

But I'm sure she won't need to be told that to know that its a confidence. She sounds super and I'm sure your own character judgement is not misplaced.

[Overmydeadbody]

It iwll not suddenly start to define you just because you told her. Her impressions of you and who you are and what defines you will e based on what she knows about you as a person now. It will be alright.

[shootfromthehip]

Don't know if you are ever 'fixed', just in control of your situation for differing periods of time

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

lots of wise words!

will try and get hold of that book - not sure I want to go there again though? but what does that say!

I also don't want her to feel that I couldn't trust her in the past etc, just that it never came up and also that I just don't mention it. I can see that being in control of who I tell can be seen as empowering but it doesn't feel like that, it feels raw and horrible and like I just want to go and hide under my duvet!

[OlderNotWiser]

I feel the way you describe every time I tell someone new about bits of my past too. Like you, Im fine about it the rest of the time and with my established mates. I think there is something about someones shock and that slightly different way of looking at you that they have, just for a moment, while they digest it. I go away feeling vulunerable too, wake in the night going cold etc, I think because their reaction makes it real again just for a moment. All that fear and confusion comes back briefly. But then its fine a day or so later...and no new friend has EVER mentioned things unless I have first, so judging your friend by the way you describe her, it will be fine. The feelings you have now will fade, Id just go with it and accept that sometimes it is still upsetting, theres nothing wrong or unsorted about that. Its just a bit unnerving for a while....so maybe the duvet until you feel a bit better after all then? Good luck.

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

thank you, thank you all for helping me make sense of it. Yes it's unnerving and I feel a little shaken but hopefully soon it'll all be ok again. I think seeing her so shocked and saying "I really had no idea" frightened me.

[shootfromthehip]

It is always hard, particularly if you haven't told many people. You will lose the sphincter clenching element of it soon and will have another person who understands you better. That's good no?

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

Yes, I'm sure you're right. And she is a great friend, nothing that happened today changes that.

[ActingNormal]

I agree with what someone said about shame. When you have kept something secret for years it makes you feel shame even though it was another person, your mother, who should feel ashamed. You can fight against this shame in a way by telling people because you are saying 'I don't mind people knowing because I didn't do anything wrong and none of it was my fault'. Telling people can kind of prove it to yourself that you are not ashamed.

If you were keeping it secret for the sake of your family because it is what they told you to do then because it is ingrained in children that they you do as their older relatives say, you can feel fear about defying them when you tell someone what happened even as an adult. But you no longer need to feel that you have to do what your parents say now that you are an adult, it is just a habitual way of thinking from childhood.

You said you don't want what happened to define you but it HAS shaped the person you are today and this is NOT something to be ashamed of but something to be PROUD of. You SURVIVED it. You are STRONG. And DESPITE it, you have made good friendships and a good marriage and it sounds like you are being a good mother to your children even without adequate role models. Don't you realise what a massive achievement this is! Some people don't achieve this when they had a normal childhood!

When you tell people it brings back some of the feelings which is difficult, makes it real, like someone said, and the reality of what happened is hard to face rather than deny, and also when the person you have told reacts with shock and horror you realise how truly bad what happened really was! Because you knew no different you grew up with some part of you thinking what happened was normal (even though you knew really that it wasn't). When people are shocked it really makes you see how abnormal it was and makes you grieve for the child you were. I think this is a good thing long term, because you need to grieve your lost childhood.