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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Come and slap me.

23 replies

Address · 22/10/2008 14:18

I've been with the same bloke for 18 years, since I was a teenager. Two lovely children. I'm bored stiff - we exist in the same house and rarely have sex. I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't respond in any meaningful way, goes back to talking about work all the time and never initiating sex. He doesn't socialise so bit by bit I've lost all my mates by moving.

I'm desperate to have some fun and keep thinking I'd like to just get out, but I know thats selfish and bad for the kids.

He's nice, helpful, good with the kids, hard working and we've shared lots. Its not enough at the moment.

Tell me to just knuckle down and accept I'm a mum now and can't go anywhere

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:23

bump?

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rempy · 22/10/2008 14:27

Not selfish, but you dont have to go and have an affair or a divorce, what about doing a night class, or joining a gym, or choir, or something you want to do? If you interupt the stasis, he may then change a bit,and you can find a new common ground?

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rempy · 22/10/2008 14:27

Oh and what would you like to be slapped with? Wet fish or back of hand?

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:31

thank you - a wet fish sounds more exiting.

I'm just sooooooo miserable and I've told him so and he just sort of pats me on the head and says 'the children are very young, it will get better' and then wanders off again. I went out for the first time in ages last week and for reasons I don't understand got some male attention in a bar. I'd forgotten how it felt.

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alexw · 22/10/2008 14:32

Address, I could have written that message. Am desperate to get out/try something new ... anything to ring changes. Don't think what you're feeling is uncommon. You're not based in London by any chance??

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:34

Nope, not in London. Wish I was! I live in the country... not much going on.

Feel dried up and old, and I'm 34.

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:35

whats your situation alexw?

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MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 22/10/2008 14:35

Agree with rempy that you need to try to perk up your relationship before you consider leaving it.

Can you afford to pay a babysitter (or can you swap babysitting favours with a friend)? If so, how about organising a night out for the two of you - cinema followed by a meal is good, as it gives you something to talk about if the conversation isn't flowing.

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:41

I'm sure we could perk it up a bit - but I'd have to be the one to do all the perkiness - I feel resentful that he can't see/hear my misery - I've told him in as many words that I'm fed up and he thinks its just because we work so hard and in a couple of years it will be fine. I've only ever been with him and I wonder if I settled for him because he made it just so easy. I wish I'd had a bit of a life before settling down - I know nothing about the world or how to stand on my own two feet.

God I'm moany I have everything I should want... but all I want is a bit of excitement.

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:45

there isn't any answer to this is there?

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alexw · 22/10/2008 14:45

Hi Address. I'm 36, a teacher (secondary) live in London and have a 3 year old dd. Had a long discussion on Monday night - dh doesn't think there's a prob and once dd is older things will be better...
Don't feel bad for wanting a bit of excitement.

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:47

you sound very similar indeed to me alexw

I can hear myself sounding like one of those 'my wife doesn't understand me' men.

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MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 22/10/2008 14:48

Are your children at school or nursery? Do you have a job outside the home? Do you get any child-free time during the day? Could you do a course or some training?

You do sound low and perhaps taking up a new interest (work-related or not) might make you feel more confident in tackling other areas of your life.

So many questions. Sorry!

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Address · 22/10/2008 14:53

Hi MadBad
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I work 3 days a week. I never ever get away from my children unless I'm working which makes me really crazy. I struggle to keep on top of the chores as well as my job.

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MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 22/10/2008 15:02

Which brings me back to the babysitter. Could you afford to pay a childminder/babysitter so that you could do (say) an adult education class on one of your days off from work? This may not be a practical option in a rural area, I know, but if we all throw ideas at you, maybe one will be useful!

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Address · 22/10/2008 15:07

I think you are probably right - but they spend so long with the childminder that I feel taking time away from them just for me seems selfish - they're already shunted out of the house for 3 whole days. But I can also see the point that if I don't do something soon I'll crack up. On Saturday I was flirting and dancing with a bloke and could quite easily have done something silly - if I don't find an outlet for all this frustration I'm going to end up ruining our home.

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MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 22/10/2008 15:24

Only you know what will work for you. When I got into a rut, I found that what worked for me was a bit of reinvention - changing myself meant that my relationships changed too.

Maybe your relationship really has reached its end, but (to me) it doesn't sound like it yet. Your first post suggests that you do still care for your partner. Why wasn't he out dancing with you on Saturday? I know it sounds trite, but time as a couple is so important.

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Address · 22/10/2008 15:34

I do still care, yes. I've just freaked myself out recently by how much I want to do things I can't do.

I need to focus on what I have though. I know that.

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MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 22/10/2008 15:52

Yes, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept being unhappy. Look for things which you can change.

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alexw · 22/10/2008 17:06

Mad, your advice is great. Thanks

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DivaSkyChick · 22/10/2008 17:55

How many husbands have had affairs, beginning by feeling the exact same way you do now?

And how many wives have said to themselves later, "why didnt he tell me he was feeling bored/ unappreciated/unsexed/whatever."

At least you're trying to communicate. Keep trying and as someone else said, start with yourself. "Be the change" (you may throw up now!)

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MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 22/10/2008 18:56

Alexw - thanks but oh, crikey. I don't feel qualified to give anyone advice about relationships. I'm just throwing out suggestions - some of which are no doubt wildly inappropriate - in the hope that one might be useful.

And Diva is right - communication is essential.

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Address · 22/10/2008 19:58

thank you mad - you have good ideas and a level attitude which is what I need.

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