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I feel like I am treading water........

10 replies

lostatsea · 20/10/2008 16:38

Last two years my life has been a complete mess, and everything came to a head over the summer when I told my DH that I thought we should split up. A lot of it was to do with the fact that he has changed enormously and sometimes I feel like I do not know him anymore.

I had tried and tried to put things right and I had simply had enough.

He was devastated and broke down, and said he would do anything to keep us together, as despite his problems, I know he loves me very very much.

Over the two years the respect and admiration I had for someone else slowly turned to something deeper. I tried even harder to work at my marriage and in the end cut contact with this man as I knew it could only get messy. He is also married.
(i never did anything, but thought about it).

DH and I are still together and I do care about him very much. The thought of hurting him tears me apart. But the great love I had for him has simply gone, and I no longer think I am the same person anymore.

We don't argue, never really did, but I know I am very quiet and withdrawn.
The children are more settled and to them, are so happy we didn't split up. Most of the other problems are more manageable, but I just feel hollow and sad.

I miss the OP dreadfully, allthough I do see him around, but that just hurts. I keep waiting for it to get better and on the surface everybody thinks I am OK now. But inside I am still such a mess. It feels like it will never get better and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

We can't move to get away from OP and it wouldn't change how I feel about DH.

Sometimes I just want to be on my own, with DC's, but can't bear the thought of breaking everybodies hearts. We are all so close a sa a family, but don't want mine to be broken any more. Can only do this post for now. Don't think anyone can help but have no-one to talk to in RL at the moment.

Have posted about it before but it is not getting any easier.

OP posts:

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Tortington · 20/10/2008 16:40

you need to be on your own for a while

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lostatsea · 20/10/2008 16:42

I know HMC, but don't know how...finances in a mess.

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frekkles · 20/10/2008 18:06

i know this feeling so well, the feeling that whatever move you make tears and stretches the fabrics of other people's hearts.

if you're going to stay with the decision you've made then you need to realise that you are grieving just now for the relationship that never was.The process of letting go begins with acceptance of the situation as it is right now. Right now you've made a choice to be stay with your family. If this is what you want and you're commited to the decision, you need to try and let go of the idea of this OP and the life you imagine you'd have with him. This process of coming to terms with this loss will hurt, and it will be difficult. But it will get better. You will eventually reach some place of peace around this. Letting go is a continous thing, you can't just do it instantaniously and then it's gone. Keep going. Focus on your life, where do you need to be right now? What can you do to get to know your husband again? What other areas in your life need your care and attention? Give yourself time, care, effort and love and you will heal eventually .

big hugs to you x

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lostatsea · 20/10/2008 19:43

It is so hard to let go of Op when we are practically neighbours. I keep trying to focus on my life and getting it back on track but I see him most days. The one person I could have gone away to to give myself some time died at the beginning of all this mess.

And my DH, I just don't know...I look at him and that feeling just isn't there. He has some good qualities but I seem to have to work so hard to keep things together.

I have one person I talk to in RL.... but she has a life too. So coming on here is the only chance I get to offload and sometimes I feel so lonely.

I'm so tired of it all.

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lostatsea · 21/10/2008 08:22

Just need to get it off my chest.

What do I do if this doesn't go away?
I seem to take one step forward and three back. DH tells me I am lovely for all that I do for everyone, but sometimes I get tired of being the family glue. I have told him but nothing changes and I want someone to stick me back together. Don't know why I feel so sorry for myself but i am falling apart on the inside. Wish I could have a little time with OP but know that is not possible and not right but it hurts so bad.

wish it would just go away. i have got to go to work but don't feel like it.

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Squitten · 21/10/2008 08:38

It sounds to me like you might be suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome. It's probably not a coincidence that you are developing feelings for this OP just as you are questioning your marriage.

The only advice I can offer is that I don't think OP is the solution to your problems. You need to sort out your marriage first. Do you want to stay with DH or not? Bear in mind that if you stay in a relationship in which you are unhappy, you may do DC more harm than good in the end - your marriage is their example for their own future lives.

If you choose to stay in the marriage, you owe it to DH and to DC to do your best to make it work and that means putting OP out of your head. That can't be done overnight but you have to make the decision to let it go and start to move on.

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funkypumpkin · 21/10/2008 10:01

I second what Frekkles has said you need time to heal and it does take time. Focus on all the important things. Can you and your husband go to relate?

Sending you a hug if you will accept it as I have been there and still going through the healing process and it is very hard, so I understand.

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lostatsea · 21/10/2008 11:55

Wish you were right Squitten, about the grass is greener syndrome, but sadly I think it is beyond that. But you are right about making the right decision and making it work, especially for my DC's..trtying hard.

And yes I will accept a hug funkypumpkin, wish it was a 'real' one .

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funkypumpkin · 21/10/2008 15:33

Its awful when you feel alone but remember you have got here and type any time that you feel that you need support, it is awful when you feel sad but you just have to take one day at a time. Only you can decide what you want to do and what is right for you. You need time to heal and give your self time and dont beat your self up when you have a relapse, I saw OP for the second time 8 months after it ended and gosh did it hurt,cried for a week and like you I think what if I always feel like this, but I try and focus on what is important my DC and I know sometime down the line the pain will be more managable. Try not to think of the what ifs as that can eat you up. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Can you focus on your DH and remind yourself what it was that made you fall in love with him?

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lostatsea · 23/10/2008 16:27

Thank-you funky pumpkin.

I am trying really hard to be positive. I did try so hard with DH, we have both changed and I would have to say thet I don't regret marrying him but don't think I would now, and I don't know how to move forward. I accept I can not be with OP, even though I think about it, sometimes I just accept that our lives intertwine and use the energy I get from seeing him positively and then sometimes I crumple. Like now.

Have been told some of my DS's problems may stem from his fear of me and his dad splitting up which makes me feel like crap, the future is so scary. Try to live from day to day and make the most of it.

Thanks again, doing a little better.