My dad is coming onto me

[TeaRose]

My dad is making sexually suggestive remarks to me and leching at my figure. He?s 71, and in exceptional physical health ? I?m 40. The staring, lewd remarks and sex references have been going on for 18 months ? I complained loudly once (when he spent an evening staring up my skirt) but it hasn?t had much effect.

The behaviour ranges from open gazing at my breasts to milder sexual remarks. The v mild ones include what happened yesterday - at Sunday lunch when I told my parents I?d been interviewed for a Scandinavian TV show (as a member of the public) he asked if it ?was a late night show, you know, late night, arts programme, Danish, TV, late night, he he, was it explicit, was it explicit?.

He lives with my mum and she has not reacted.

I need to consider the risk he might lunge. Any thoughts on what could be causing this and what can be done to stop it?

[tiredemma]

possible late onset mental illness (such as dementia perhaps???)

[RubySlippers]

what tiredemma said

[Hassled]

I'd say dementia as well - he's lost his sense of what is appropriate. You need to talk to your mother and see if she/you can have a chat with his GP.

[themoon666]

My dad got like this when he had dementia. He no longer recognised me as his daughter. It made my skin crawl, even though I knew it wasn't his fault.

I feel so sorry for you

[childrenofthecornsilk]

tearose
that must be awful for you

[artichokes]

Talk to your Mum. She will have noticed and will probably be relieved to have someone to dsicuss it with. She can tell you whether it is the way he is curretnly relating to all women or just you.

Was he ever inappropraite when you were younger?

[OrmIrian]

Yes, I must admit my first thought was dementia.

[TeeBee]

Yep, possibly a sign of Alzheimer's disease or demientia. Does he have any other signs of confusion, forgetfulness or iritability?

[ConnorTraceptive]

If this has only been going on in the past 18 months and it has never happened previously then I agree that dementia is probably at the root of this.

[littlewhitebull]

I agree with the other posters. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and continually tries to chat up/propose to my sister when he sees her.

Are there any other strange changes in his behaviour?

[monkeymonkeymonkey]

You need to get him seen by his GP, IMO.

[TeaRose]

Hmmm. I?m not sure it?s dementia -

• he hasn?t any other symptoms
• there?s no dementia in the family

However?.. when M&D were recently making their will, he pushed (hard) for me not to get anything, and a couple of weeks later sat on my sofa and told me a story ?about my daughter, TeaRose, who is a publisher, you know?.

Nuts or nasty? You decide.

[Hassled]

Again, dementia - the lack of a family history is irrelevant. And people with dementia are certainly capable of uncharacteristic displays of spitefulness.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmmm. I'm tempted to ask if he has a history of being nasty ... but from what I know, dementia can exaggerate the traits that are already there, iyswim.

(Did you get cut out of the will?)

Surely your mum is the best person to discuss this with ...

[artichokes]

How can you say there are no other symptoms of dementia when he is telling you stories about yourself as if he does not realise who you are?

Please talk to your mum. At least have a genreal conversation and ask whether she has noticed your did becoming confused or behaving inappropriatley at all.

[Flossish]

your last post seems to be describing odd behaviour that IMO would also fit with dementia.

You ought to talk to your mum.

[Twiglett]

you know when you say it's not dementia and then reel off other things he's done which sound amazingly like dementia it might be time to get him to a doctor

speak to your mother

[LilRedWG]

I think a chat with his GP is in order. It really does sound like dementia.

[TeaRose]

Talking to my mum is out, sadly ? she will flat deny it (her chosen way of life.)

The other problem is that dad has a long history of exaggerating/faking illness to get his own way, and is a prize-winning (and impressive) hypochondriac. Despite exceptional health and a fine lifestyle, in the past year he?s taken a flying leap into old age, refusing to take part in family outings, saying he?s tired, and behaving increasingly like a toddler (not the charming type) with us all - but with friends and people he wants to impress, he?s his old wise, warm and witty self.

We put this split in behaviour down to his pretending to be aged to get out of things he doesn?t want to do, but could this be dementia?

[LilRedWG]

If you know who his GP is then I'd give them a call and have a chat. Describe how his behaviour is and ask them to either pop out and see him or invite him in for an MOT.

[citronella]

I am also thinking dementia. My grandfather also lost(randomly not all the time )the ability to distinguish between my grandmother (who had died years previously), my mother and myself. He also sometimes said inappropriate or cruel things. It really wasn't his fault.

[snowleopard]

I saw a documentary about someone who developed inappropriate sexual behaviour as a result of a brain tumour. It does sound as if there might be a brain-related medical reason of some kind.

[LostHorizon]

To the OP have you ever met a person who was suffering from senile dementia? I have and this sounds like it.

When I was doing my A Levels I had a job washing dishes at the local hospital and was usually on the gerry (= geriatric) wards.

"Senile" people aren't silly forgetful old fools with stupid opinions. Senile people are completely out to lunch, from a conversation POV.

So, for example, if I offered Mr. Jones his evening cup of tea, he would take it happily, turn it upside down, hammer the cup with his teaspooon (thinking the cup was a boiled egg) and would say things like, "No, don't worry son, I don't need another one today coz I've got mine outside. He said to me, what's that then? And I said yeah ha ha ha cor can we open a window? It's cold in here. Open a window in your tea trolley there. It's hot in here...etc."

That's not verbatim but not exaggerated either.

Senile old boys sometimes tried to grope the female nurses. Senile old girls started bizzare arguments. One I remember used to stride up to random women (other patients, their visitors, the nurses) and screech "Slut! Dirty stopout! You should be ASHAMED of yourself you WHORE" etc.

My guess is he occasionally forgets you're his daughter and just sees an attractive younger woman. sorry for you, must be pretty distressing, and on its own it's worth mentioning to mum and GP as so obviously not right. I think it can start with inappropriate behaviour, perhaps worth looking into before he starts doing to strangers at the shops .

[Niecie]

Sounds like dementia to me too. He is his old self with those he wants to impress because he is making an effort. He doesn't feel he has to make an effort with you and you get to see him how he really is now, warts and all.

He sounds a lot like my father actually, although I haven't had the innuendo directed at me thankfully. My mother agrees there is a problem but nothing will convince him to go to 'the quacks' as he so nicely puts it. Whatever it is, he is turning into a child again and as somebody said, he has lost his sense of what is appropriate.

Much sympathy though.

[TeaRose]

Thanks for your wise words - it's great.

You know, I?m still not convinced - every form of dementia carries with it a host of far more common & disabling symptoms, all of which appear well in advance of making inappropriate sexual advances. Dad has none of these. Apart from citing his (relatively young) age as an excuse to avoid family activities, he is in no way out to lunch and still works as a company director.

I don't want to be unkind, but I can?t help noticing that my dad?s only ?symptoms? appear to be extremely unpleasant behaviour to others (me.)

Any thoughts on how to make it stop?