How did you/do you/did your DP/you meet your DC/DSC?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

sorry me again!

was talking with DP last night. (you may know he's met DS in the capacity of a kick about int eh park with him for an hour) he'll be meeting him again on boxing day, and i've agreed for him to meet him more after then and slowly slowly introduce them.

my proposal is once ever 6 weeks, then maybe once a month and basically over say 6/7 months if not a bit longer build up to him seeing him during the week.staying over as well.

DP feels that by keeping them 'hidden' from each other it will be worse for DS?

my only concern is DS's well being, i'm trying to do what I feel is right. DP is thinking more once a week for dinner and once a month on a w.e.

DS see's XH every other w.e at the mo, but I am certain for the minute I don't want DS to have XH one week and DP the next iycwim.

so how did you do it?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

x

[AnarchyAunt]

I have 5yo dd, and have been with dp since february.

She met him pretty much immediately but its a different situation as dp and I had known each other for 10 years (!) and so she knew him anyway. She got used to him being around very fast (though she does still prefer his dog as it has 'silky ears' ).

How old is your DS?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

he's 2.5.

XH & I split up last sept. i've been with DP for coming up to 4 months (knew him for a few before hand thou)

we've talked about the future etc, and are both looking forward to one together which tbh is prob why i'm more taking it slow as well - as I see things there's all the time in the world, as he see's things, if we're gonna together long term/settled then lets be a 'family unit' and get on with it iycwim.

He doesn't have children & baggage thou!

[Anna8888]

If you and your DP are serious about one another, why are you hesitating?

My DSSs spent lots of time with me as soon as we had decided that we were going to spend our lives together and it was fine and lovely.

Why don't you all go away on holiday together for a few days somewhere really nice to create some good feeling/memories? Mucking about in the swimming pool and going out to eat late at night is a very good ice breaker.

[Anna8888]

Once every six weeks is a lifetime for a 2.5 year old - he won't be able to build any kind of relationship with your DP at that frequency.

[AnarchyAunt]

Yes once in six weks is too long for a 2.5yo to grasp it at all IMO.

Once a fortnight is better.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

do you think?

i'm reluctant because I don't want to mess DS up - XH has been in/out of his life mostly, on some level I don't want DS to get attached to DS only for him to walk away althou he says's he's not - but tbh I think that's more my issues.

DP & I are working/thinking long term not short term.

maybe I should give more then. and say perhaps start off with one saturday an a day int he week for tea when XH isn't down?

I do realise they need to build a relationship and DP is keen for them to do so.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

x

[nooOOOoonki]

I became a stepmum to DSS when he was just turned four,

we knew that it was serious pretty soon, I met him a few times in the first weeks (about 5 times in about 3 weeks) then when I started staying over,
For about 3 weeks I slept in the sitting room and DSS and DH shared their room, then after those 3 weeks DH slept with me in the sitting room when DS was there (most weekends).

DSS never got upset, he was v happy to have me there. It worked well for us as DSS could see our relationship grow. he was always pleased to see me, and I him. If that were to have changed DH would have questioned our relationship and re-thought things.

I think it is a good sign that your DP is so interested in building a relationship - I think it would be more confusing for your son that you were obviously close to this person that he hardly knew and would feel left out. Also it may mean that you and Dp are building an unrealistic relationship, one that may not work the same way if your DC was there which will create problems in the long run.

good luck,

[nooOOOoonki]

also -

my DSS's mum had a few boyfriends (mainly idiots) up until he was about 6 (when she met her long term one who is lovely). And DSS was never that bothered.

If your DP is that nice, and things dont work out they could still have a relationship. A friend of mine is still in contact with his ex's son thought they split up over 10 years ago!

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

thats a good point actually.

they did seem to get on very well. (ds instantly took his hand and ran off with him - which is totally unlike him)

I guess I just want to be sure in my own mind that DP & I will be ok and are a couple before we're a family if that makes sense?

were all of the men introduced to your DSS?

[nooOOOoonki]

Yes they were all introduced, but they weren't very nice, so he didnt mind when they left.

Mind he is a very easy going lad so i guess some of it depends on your DS.

If his mum and her current DP split up he would be gutted as he is v close to him. But they would def. remain in contact as would I (he is 12).

At that age he won't be expecting a whole lot and they do adapt to change very well.

It sounds like you are being really thoughtful about it all. (It worries me when people move in together after 2 weeks when kids are involved)

If I were you I would let DP around as much as you feel you want him there during the day. then wait for a few weeks/couple of months before having him sleep over. Then take it from there.

Should you split up, you can explain it to him.

Do you think that your XP is going to mind?, only asking as DS will mention him at some point and it's better coming from you than him.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

yes he'll go mad - I started a thread off about that, hang on, i'll link it, he will go mental at the thought that DS has met DP before he's met him but whatever XH thinks it's not going to change my mind about DP, I love him and that's all that counts really.

DS is a very sensitive little boy.

what I don't want to happen is for him to be seeing DP one week and then him to go away (XH is forces so he's used to that) but DS gets very unsettled and upset at times about not being able to see his dad so much.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

here

[ranting]

Well it was a while ago but, IIRC, dh picked me up from my mums (she was babysitting for ds) on our first proper date (had known him for some time before that though), after that we did things together pretty regularly, once every couple of weeks. We didn't have the added complication of ds's dad turning up though, as he rarely saw him and certainly not on any regular basis.

Like you, my (now dh) man, although previously married, didn't have any children of his own, I don't remember agonising about it though, it just felt right and natural and I had a few boyfriends before that, that ds didn't meet at all, the now dh man was the first (and last) one he met.

You need to follow your instinct and just do what you feel is right.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

thanks that's it ranting - DP is the only man DS has met.

I don't want to parade a string of men in front of him and have a 'revolving door' as some women do as I personally don't think it's right.

guess we'll start with dinner once every other week and a Saturday - i'm not keen thou on DS seeing DP here when he goes to bed yet - as DS will expect DP here when he wakes up - that's something which is deffo not on the cards for a good while yet.

I do like the idea of him sleeping on the sofa to start with thou.

[ranting]

I think you're right to take things at a speed you feel comfortable with, it's a very wise thing. It also bodes well that your dp is interested in being a part of your ds's life.

To fill you with hope, me and dh have been together 10 years, since ds was 5 and they get on amazingly well, ds is now 15, very nice lad and him and dh have a very good relationship, on the whole. It's been much easier than I ever anticipated.

[nooOOOoonki]

Hi Spandex,

sorry I disappeared to watch the Wire!
It is difficult with your ex, having read the start of your other thread.

I think it is very difficult all round for you, but I would try and come to terms with your x and his new/old woman (tbh sounds like she can have him!) It would be very beneficial for you all to try and make amends.

My DH and his ex were at war for a few years (and off and on since then) but having spoken to DSS about it the bits that he likes best is when we all go out together for a meal/round each other's house. Its means alot to him, and for some years it has definately been a grin and bear it scenario, but now we all enjoy each others company to a more or less extent.

Admittedly none of us caused the breakdown of their relationship but I think for your DS aiming to be civil to all the people in his life is really important. I would try and get over this woman and concentrate if she is a positive influence on your son or not.

My DH admits that his son's stepdad (of sorts) is actually a really good influence and benefits his son in loads of ways (it has taken a few years to get to this point though.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

thanks noo for your input with that one as well - I aim (eventually of course) to be able to sit with them at I don't know DS's wedding??!! lol.

to a degree it is my irrationals, I know this.

tbh a part of me wants to run away from it all put two fingers up to the rest of the world and be happy DS DP & I. but well that's not going to happen any time soon! lol.

I guess for the most part re OW & XH it's a work in progress. when not thinking about the issues I hold no feelings towards them in particular, it's when my DS in involved in the mix that I get a bit well, alpha mum/lioness over the situation. (I should imagine v unhealthy for DS as well )

thanks for all of your input with it all everyone it's been helpful - I guess what DP has been saying is making sense to me, I just hate feeling backed into a corner & forced into things, which to a degree is how I was feeling I guess.