Getting more and more pissed off today

[ActingNormal]

It's our wedding anniversary. I ironed all DH's work shirts for next week. He didn't say thank you, he said suspiciously "What do you want?".

I gave him a card and a cheap box of cakes that he likes. He didn't say thank you, he said "you know we don't buy each other anything for anniversarys". He hadn't got me a card.

I remembered to buy cakes from the bakery shop the day before for breakfast for a treat. DH decided the kids weren't going to have them because they had been naughty. That meant we couldn't either because we wouldn't enjoy eating them in front of our crying children who had none. So another nice thing I had done, gone wrong.

I must have started to look sad but was trying not to. I was doing some washing up and DH was hounding me about "what's wrong, you look in a mood". I was trying to let it all go and just said I'm not going to look joyful about doing the washing up.

The housework is looking quite under control at the moment (something I'm not all that good at) but DH then said we had to sort out the post together because it was looking like a bad pile. He knows I hate it when he does this. I feel that it is a way of saying "you haven't been doing your job properly and you are lazy and that is why I have to 'help' you do it now". Also he was forcing me to do paperwork on our anniversary which I didn't want to do. I did get snappy then.

He then offered to take the children for a walk to the shop, which is good, but he said I could either come, or stay at home and be "incredibly lazy". He wasn't having a go but I then feel that if I don't go, which I don't want to because I'm in a mood now, he is going to think I'm incredibly lazy. I haven't gone.

Am I lazy? I've organised a friend to have our children over night (which I did for her a few weeks ago) so that we can have a nice evening together and I've booked a table at a restaurant. I've bought stuff to make him bacon sandwiches in bed the following morning before we go and pick up the kids.

I feel like I've made lots of effort to make it nice for him, not to get loads in return, but not even a card?! and everything I've done seems to be going wrong so far!

As he went out with the kids he asked me if I still loved him with a mournful look and I said yes a bit impatiently. He said "It's supposed to be our anniversary". So I'm supposed to feel guilty for showing the slightest trace of moodiness and I'm supposed to feel like the bad one!

I had a slight hope he might get me a card while out with the kids but he hasn't come back with one.

Am I being oversensitive to be feeling a bit upset?

[Dioriffic]

Message withdrawn

[MrsMattie]

He sounds like a miserable sod.

[Dioriffic]

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[MrsMattie]

Forget the card. How about being nice to you on your anniversary? Eating breakfast together, behaving in a pleasant manner, and generally not being a spoilt, sulky old giffer. I would be pissed off too.

[sweetgrapes]

Tell him why you're miserable.

And make clear you did all that stuff, now you want to enjoy and not be made to feel guilty. Regardless of whether he did or didn't do anything.

Tell him that when you do something nice, then a nice smile and a cheerful 'thank you' and maybe a hug feels good. Instead of a suspicious 'you know you're not getting anything in return!!!' (Don't get too emotional when you talk to him though.)

About the card, next time warn him beforehand that he better be getting one.

and Happy Anniversary!! have a great time at dinner.

[SylvieSprings]

No, you're not being over-sensitive and it's quite understandable why you are feeling upset.

Both of you speak a different love language with the resultant underfilled love tanks.

Have you heard of the five love languages? Quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation & touch.

www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/1881273105/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 8&s=books&qid=1224338468&sr=8-4

www.garychapman.org

In your view, you have done all you could -ironing DH shirts, doing the housechores (acts of service) and buying him a card and cake (gifts) to make the anniversary day special. And he has not done anything to demonstrate his appreciation.

When he suggested sorting out the post together and invited you out for a walk, you felt he was not appreciating your efforts. Have you considered that he may value the time together with you (quality time) as a meaningful way of celebrating your anniversary?

Hope you both enjoy your heart-to-heart this evening - have a happy anniversary!

[Joy27]

That does sound very annoying, but I think it's a bit much for people to decide he's controlling/manipulative as a person based on one day's actions!

To me it sounds like a classic case of a bad day in a relationship (please nobody tell me that neither they or their partner never behave in an unreasonable fashion?!), when one person's (his) bad moods rubs off on another, and so it goes back and forth. When it's a special day there is added pressure for everything to be unicorns and rainbows, so it's more upsetting when it unfolds badly.

Your husband undoubtedly feels guilty about not making an effort and is trying to cover it up with clumsy jokes and grumpiness.

He's totally shooting himself in the foot by acting in such nobbish fashion, and maybe it'll take you telling him what's what in no uncertain terms, to clear the air.

Hope you have a lovely evening, in the end!

[beanieb]

Could you just say 'I'm pissed off that you didn't even think to get me a card, I don't want presents or grand gestures but I do want a card and I do want you to appreciate it when I get you one rather than poo-poo it'

?

[Acinonyx]

He sounds very passive-aggressive and TBH I think maybe you are trying too hard and setting yourself up to feel resentful.

[ActingNormal]

Thank you all for posting and making me feel that there were people 'on my side' who gave a sht how I felt.

In the end I couldn't hide how I felt very well (DH always sees through it even if nobody else can) and he forced me to talk about it over lunch in front of the children which I didn't want to do. I told him it would make it worse but he wouldn't let it go and it did (get worse). I ended up locking myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and crying when I came out. I got myself really worked up, too much for the situation, because he just would not acknowledge or show any understanding for how I felt and avoided listening to me by letting the children keep interrupting. I got more and more wound up. I often think he has absolutely no idea how to talk to women.

He managed to convince me, with all his logic, that I was being stupid and he had done nothing remotely bad. This is what always happens.

The shirts - I don't normally do them but did them last week because I had spent some money frivolously and felt guilty. When I did them again this time he logically thought I had either spent more money or wanted to buy something else. He was still suspicious when I said I had done it just because it was our anniversary.

The card - he said he was sure we hadn't bothered getting each other one on previous years. I really can't remember if this is true so I can't argue, but I had a definite feeling of 'must not forget' during the week before so I find it hard to believe we haven't bothered in the past. He said he was embarrassed that he hadn't got me one so behaved awkwardly.

The cakes - he said the children needed to be disciplined so he threatened them with no cakes then had to 'follow through' (sorry, that expression makes me snigger because it makes me think of someone shtting themselves!).

The paperwork - he said that he wasn't trying to say I was lazy and should have done it during the week, but that he was putting out the recycling and thought there would be junk mail to recycle in the post pile and that it would be nice for us to do it together.

The walk with the kids - he said he wasn't saying you are incredibly lazy but you can be incredibly lazy ie I give you 'permission' to stay at home and be incredibly lazy. He said he knew I hadn't been lazy because I had just sorted out the kitchen.

I had planned in my mind for the day to be special and for nice things to happen because of it being our anniversary. He had just thought of it as just another day but we would go out in the evening. So when he messed up the cakes for breakfast thing and made me do paperwork with him he didn't see it as messing up the 'romantic' day we were supposed to be having - he didn't know we were supposed to be having it!

I agree with these things that you MNers said - DH used a bad choice of words when he said "incredibly lazy". DH acted clumsily about the card because he was embarrassed he hadn't got me one but was so 'inept' that he made everything worse throughout the day, in future I should tell him in advance what I am expecting so that I won't then be disappointed.

I made a big effort this year because I feel I have been a crap wife up until recently due to my mental state, family etc. I've realised being married to him means a lot to me and I feel especially detached from my family recently so I put a lot of meaning on our anniversary. He said it means more to me than him because he doesn't have these type of issues. He said it means more to him the date we met rather than married and the children's births. I'm really hoping he doesn't just see me as a 'vehicle' for him having children - he says not. I feel really vulnerable thinking how alone I would feel without him and without a 'normal' close family, even though I have friends, outside interests etc. So maybe I am insecure.

I'm also hypersensitive to being called lazy because in all the years I had depression I found it really hard to do anything and don't feel I did enough but because DH doesn't undertand depression he thought I was being "bone idle" and that the illness of depression should be called bone idleness. I am much better than I was but sensitive to him 'thinking I'm crap' (he says this is in my imagination) and not understanding my 'excuse' that I had depression and family issues to sort out.

I can see the logic of all he said but every time we have an argument and he 'logics me' into feeling I've been irrational I feel like I am 'mad' and can't trust any of my feelings and judgements.

Sorry to go on and on, it helps me. Any more opinions welcome but I won't be offended if you ignore me.

[OptimistS]

"he forced me to talk about it over lunch in front of the children which I didn't want to do."

"He managed to convince me, with all his logic, that I was being stupid and he had done nothing remotely bad. This is what always happens."

"I can see the logic of all he said but every time we have an argument and he 'logics me' into feeling I've been irrational I feel like I am 'mad' and can't trust any of my feelings and judgement"

Can't help agreeing with NotDoingTheHousework on this. Your DH sounds like a highly controlling, manipulative person. Making someone feel like they can't rely on their own feelings and judgement is a classic indicator of an abusive relationship. This might not be the case in your relationship, but at the very least he has to stop invalidating your feelings. They are your feelings and you have every right to them, even if your DH disagrees with how you express them. It is also my opinion that forcing you to talk about your relationship in front of your children is outrageous.

I could go on and on here as I sense there is a lot more to this, but I'm going to leave it there. If you'd like to discuss any of this further though, I'm more than willing.

[ActingNormal]

Optimist, I can believe that there is some truth in what you are saying, especially as Therapist keeps telling me about how people who have been treated badly in the past seem to get with more people who treat them similarly because it feels familiar. Therapist was talking about certain friends but maybe it applies to DH as well. I feel a bit reassured that you seem to think I am NOT going mad, it is HIM who is being manipulative/controlling to get me to stop being cross with him.

[solidgoldskullonastick]

He's an arse and quite probably a big contributing factor in your mental health problems. Telling someone that what they feel is not what they feel, that what they remember is not what happens, putting them in the wrong all the time, is abusive behaviour and a good way to induce mild to moderate mental health problems in a person.
He's also bullying the children (telling them they can;t have cakes and then expecting to eat the cakes himself in front of the children FFS this is a very unhealthy cruel attitude).

He may have virtues. You may feel that you would rather stay with him than get rid, but what you have to do is say, look, matey, you're not in charge, this is a team. Show some better manners and consideration for the rest of us or piss off.

[ActingNormal]

Strong words, quite scary! But thank you, they are things I should think about. I can see that his way of making me doubt myself and think I am going mad might have made me put off really dealing with my past family issues because I thought I was worried I might be overreacting. However I've mostly dealt with all that now, which I'm very proud of.

[ActingNormal]

Thank you. I will read that website in more depth when I'm on my own. Can't type much more on this thread til tommorrow as he will get 'suspicious' of what I'm looking at if I don't go and sit in the lounge with him and my laptop in a minute. Although I don't really think DH is abusive I can see a few things on that website that are a bit familiar that I need to think about.

[ActingNormal]

This trivial agument with DH has brought up some of my more serious 'issues' which really bother me. I've carried on my thoughts about DH into the "Stately Homes" thread because the people on there know more of my 'story'. Thank you all for your comments as it has made me think about things I want to get straightened in my mind.

[misselizabethbennet]

Just caught up with this ActingNormal, and was going to post what dittany said - it would have been nice for him just to say sorry (and you could be sorry for possibly over-reacting about the post).

We all act a bit unreasonably at times and I can quite see how the anniversary situation you had could easily happen - things like this can escalate very quickly with misunderstandings on both sides.

But afterwards, I think it's traditional to say sorry, not for one person to convince the other that the fault is all on one side.

[Dioriffic]

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[ToughDaddy]

Solidgoldskull doesn't mess about. Were you solidgoldbrass in previous MN life?

I agree with her re:DH contributing to your mental state.