H and I "spilt up" at the beginning of Sept, following a final straw relating to months and years of his fckwit behaviour involving "cybering"/texting other women, which included us having been to counselling (several lots) and it all still happening again. I had a thread that I poured my heart out on, about six weeks ago, and many of you helped me through the week after the intitial crap hit the fan and I was a totally tear-soaked mess. But then I got it deleted because he read it. (He was intially angry.. then tearful and ashamed and guilt ridden about seeing what he's put me through all written down, no holds barred. I got it deleted because I felt it was best; he didn't ask me to).
Things have moved on since then. He was still here after the split (for 6 weeks in total) until 2 days ago when he finally moved out. It took so long due to practical reasons - it took a lot for us both (jointly, was only way to do it) to come up with a deposit in orderly to privately rent (and then only a room in a house.)
Plan was/is that he is nearby so that he can assist with care of severely disabled DS2 and the practical issues that arise (eg babysitting DS2 so I can take other 2 to swimming club 2-3 times a week etc.) I also need him for some afternoon school runs as DS2 goes to and from on transport and DD needs picking up at the same time as he arrives home. (Did try to re-negotioate this with tranport; they were unhelpful.)
So.. obviously there is lots of potential there for us to see plenty of each other.
The weeks leading up to him moving out where like this: he spent first two, openly crying, with me about the end of our marriage (I was not crying because I wanted him to stay/try again, I knew it was over; I was just devastated and grieving the "loss of us") but saying he cared about me but wasn't "in love with me".
Then he had a kind of epiphany, which I don't doubt that, for him, was very real. He realised all at once that this whole "text sex" thing (his most recent obsession/addiction) was actually an addiction, or something approaching it (would never listen to my suggestion of this in the past), was really pathetic, tacky, pointless and not what he wanted, and he smashed up his "secret phone" (that was no longer a secret oviously - I knew he was using it, but he wasn't quite as blatant as to do so in front of me, but it was acknowledged between the two of us that he was "free to do it" now even though it still hurt me even after the split.) He described this moment (I wasn't in) as like being freed from come grip he'd been under for ages/having clouds removed from his vision etc etc. At same time he apparently realised he loved, no actually adored (adores) me, only ever wanted me, but knew it was all too late.
That night we talked all night. I was so confused. He said he had no expectations whatsoever and he knew what he'd lost. But over the hours I allowed myself to think maybe.. just maybe.. one day.. after a proper separation period and LOTS of proper therapy (of the sex addiction kind, not just normal counselling), maybe we could make a go of it again. He was tearful/grateful etc. Infact he's pretty much stayed that way since..
And for next 2 weeks, we went through a weird stage of closeness where all he wanted to do was assure me of his love, devotion etc. He was sleeping on the sofa but he didn't always sleep there. He made plans to get himself off long term sick (he has artritis) and has a "back to work" interview lined up at the end of the month. He has started two lots of counselling/therapy arrange, one, with Relate, he's paying for (which he really can't afford) and the other, the GP has referred him to, via the mental health services. He has made arrangemens to volvunteer at DD's school.
He is doing all this. It's a total turn around of the way he has lived for a long time in which we were in this "taking care of our disabled child/.. thinknig "poor us"..claiming benefits and just getting by" rut that we'd BOTH allowed ourselves to stay in (with me working at an OU degree so as to have a "long term plan for better things" but which is now currently on hold.) He means all this. I can see that.
However, my friends/family were apparently getting very twitchy watching me get "too close" to him, even though I tried to be honest as I could, and tell them what was going on, that I was not "welcoming him back with open arms" or anything like that. But I did tell a few white lies about thnigs because I felt they would disapprove. By devious means (theirs) I got caught out in one of these. Eventually, we had a big row - I know it happened because they have my very best interests at heart but they were making me feel pressured/monitored etc. I am speaking to them again now (quite recent/last few days) but I don't know how to discuss HIM with them. Probably hence this thread.
A few days after we fell out I got an email from my sister, full of her anger and frustration, about the the "reservations" they've "all" had about him for years, detailing (some quite minor, others less so) incidents which, in their eyes, meant he was never to have been trusted, never loved me as he should have etc.
The email really upset me but removed my head from the sand somewhat although over the days I realised that they were (deliberately) glossing over our many genuinely happy years and the fact that he is, essentially, a good person (and certianly a good father), who has cocked up big time/allowed himself get get into a terrible rut and live a sort of half life, which to be honest, as I said, I allowed/encouraged too. (DS2 is a nightmare.. life felt "hard enough" and being more honest than I'm confortabe with, I was "happy" to keep him stuck at home because it meant he wouldn't get out and physically DO with other women the sort of thing he seemed to want according to his fckwit habits! He denys he EVER wanted to take anything that far.) But also I had not be comfortable with the level of closeness that had developed, too much, too soon, between us, in the time since his "epiphany" but at the same time, was almost allowing myself to bask in the love he was showing me, because for the last couple of years, since he'd become so aloof (which I think can be accounted for by the growing addiction problems but my sister seems to think that, in many ways, he was an arse anyway) I literally craved hearing those things/being treated that way again (with so much love) by a man I have loved so much throughout 13 years of marriage.
Eventually, he realised how screwed up I was by it all and pulled back again (although not in a cold way) and said that although he adores me/has realised the hard way that the kids and I are all he wants, he realises that it may well be over for us forever. And this is how it sort of stands now. But he is very clingy ("clingy" is not something I can EVER remember him being!). And I am very confused.
Now he's gone, although I can't say I don't love him (I do) I feel even more confused (not less) by my feelings for him and about what I want for the future. I can't/won't/ I freak out at the thought of ever again living in the kind of scared, paranoid fog that I existed in for 2-3 years, not knowing fact from my own paranoia (but I was sually right!).. knowing he was messing around (not physically but in all other ways), him lying/denying at every turn until once again caught out by me. I can't do that again. But neither can I put my hand on my heart and say "I know it's definitely over.. I don't want him..."
Maybe I'm just hedging my bets?? (surely not.. I'm not that cold). Maybe he's just very lonely now.. maybe he doesn't actually want me and doesn't know it??Thing is all he really had in his life was US.. now he lives in a basic little room in someone else's house, with none of his new plans having yet kicked in, it must have REALLY hit home.
Common sense is telling me not to worry about the future.. my brain's coming up with cliches like "let the future take care of itself.. if you're meant to be with him, it will happen.." "live from day to day/week to week..." but I'm the sort of person who plans, so that's hard.
A close friend (and Mner) put it very aptly when she said "you need to reset your life.. see how you feel.. you need to press CTRL/ALT/DELETE on your life.. but you can't.. he's still sitting on the keyboard!" and that describes it exactly! And that was when he was still here.. but actually, it's as if he's STILL sitting on the keyboard! He is texting me in the early hours (I stupidly maybe text back) either telling me how alone he is and how much he loves/misses me or asking me why I am not more supportive of what he is doing to make positive chances in his life. He mentions words like faith.. but asking me to have FAITH in him is too much after what I've been through... I can see he MEANS it but I also think he meant it on all the occasions in the past when he swore blind that "it" would never happen again. It always did. It nearly descroyed my sanity.
Part of me feels that if he does this "new him" thing.. which he really needs to do for his OWN good.. gets out there, gets back to work, makes new friends etc.. and then after he's lived this new life, and he STILL wants me, then (leaving my feelings out of it for a moment) maybe that is a more reliable indication of what he really wants.. maybe I can be more sure that he DOES infact want to be with me..
I have got some counselling of my own coming up. I can't wait. I am so confused. I want to become strong and independant (have lived more than a decade of being totally emtionally dependant on him, more so since he hurt me so badly and always totally preoccupied with what he wants/how he's feeling) but how can I do that under these circumstances? He seems tortured by thoughts of me having another man in my life at some stage (it's the last thing I'm thinking about obviously) even though he's NEVER been jealous.. used to think he didn't care enough to be honest.
Please someone.. what do you make of all this? What, in your humble opinions, should I be doing, how should I be handling all this?
Sorry for rambling!
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How to manage this separation..?????
18 replies
ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 17/10/2008 12:10
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