What's normal? Feeling very low and vulnerable and unsupported...

[DancingShoes]

I have 2 DD's; 2years old and 3months old. They're both fab. I feel like my DH doesn't get how vulnerable I can feel. He's not good when I get overwhelmed and need help. He interprets my need as his being under attack, then gets defensive and is really mean to me. Sometimes it's gets a bit much having 2 LO's constantly demanding things of me and I need a hug but I rarely get one, and then only if I ask for it.
I haven't had any time for myself in recent history and am not feeling good about myself anyway (still in maternity gear).
I'm BF DD2 and my milk supply has crashed twice after arguments with DH because I've felt so low. We have no family around (both my P's died when I was younger) and his live far away.
I've seen GP and neither of us think I've got PND. We are going to Relate- only had one session.
I believe that DH has a problem in the way he handles close relationships and that I've tried really hard to be fair. But I feel so unsupported by him.

I really lost it last night and got v angry and shouted in front of both DDs then felt terrible. He just left me alone, then refused to talk about it. Now he's angry with me. I'm desperate for someone to come and be kind to me.

Is this normal?

[Overmydeadbody]

You sounds really stressed and stretched to your limit, no wonder you need someone to come and be kind to you, I bet you feel like you need looking after too.


I'm not sure what you mean by 'is this normal?', as all people are different and behave in different ways.

The thing to remember is, you can't change your DH, only he can do that. All you can change is your own behaviour.

You need to find a way of behaving and asking for things like help and support from your DH that works on him, different people react differently andso you need to use different methods to get what you want out of them. Experiment. See what works and what doesn't in getting him to help you.

Mostly though, men don't like beign told what to do, you need to find a way so he thinks it is his decision or choice, rather than you telling him what to do, if that makes sense?

[princessdaisyboo]

hi im currently 37 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and very emotional, I get upset easily and then cant stop crying and my partner reacts in exactly the same way as yours he hates it when i get upset and rather than just hug me and reassure me that its going to be allright which would end the episode he gets really mad and nasty with me and i end up having to practically beg him for affection which i hate myself for as im not normally like this, im worried that if this doesnt sort itself out once ive had this baby then we wont make it, this is a lot of what i get upset about but he just doesnt understand and makes no effort to try and understand what im upset about just says im silly and im upsetting myself but all i need is for him to hug me and say somthing nice to me but he just cant seem to manage it.

So i feel like im in the same boat as you and if i wasnt about to give birth i think i would be seriously thinkin about moving on because i dont think it is normal that we feel so desperate and unloved by our partners, i just hope its my hormones and that we get back to normal once the baby arrives.

sorry to moan about me but i think we are feeling the same!
x

[unhappy]

sending you both hugs not much else I can say my dp is exactly the same totally unsupportive and although my youngerst is 5 now still remember being pregnant and wanted some love didnt get it as he was having an affair !! Not easy living with arseholes like this - still doing it though - not easy I have just learnt not to ask for anything - but that unfortunately as my name may suggest is not a good thing !!

[BetsyBoop]

I have a DD 2.10 & a DS 11months. I have a fantastic DH, but unfortunately he has to work away M-F ATM. He was/is really supportive when at home, but there is only so much you can do over the phone... (my parents both dead, no family near). Many times I felt how you described.

I don't think men (including my lovely DH) understand just how hard it is with 2 LOs so close in age. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you Dancingshoes without any support {hugs}

Did your GP check for anaemia? (I had this for 8 months after DS, took ages & ages to get my iron levels back up after severe PPH - only started getting better once DS started weaning & taking less boob) If not might be worth checking as it won't help how you are feeling.

Sorry this is getting long winded, what I'm trying to say is that what you are feeling is TOTALLY normal for someone with 2LOS & no support. It does get easier (as far as the LOs are concerned) once youngest LO starts taking a decent stretch of sleep at night.

Just a thought have you tried writing down how you feel & giving it to DH. That way he gets chance to digest what you've said without jumping on the defensive & not listening to you. I'm not sticking up for him, you desperately need support, but trying to see both sides is he feeling under pressure at work, eg a sole breadwinner etc? Men do sometimes act "strangely" during pregnancy/childbirth too (and they can't blame it on raging hormones )