Come tell me why you stay if DP does nothing nothing around the house and it frustrates you...

[BlingLovin]

There are always lots of threads on this and I'm interested. My instinctive response is "why are you with this person?!?! Get out". But I was thinking about it this week and I wandered whether for others it's really as important as it is to me? Or just one of those irritating things? And if it IS important, then I genuinely do want to know what makes you stay with these men (or women).

[Gobbledigook]

Oh c'mon - you'd honestly leave your husband cos he was a bit of a lazy arse?! Get real.

[BlingLovin]

No. I wouldn't marry him in the first place

[Gobbledigook]

No relationship is 100% perfect, smiley, happy, 'oh you are the perfect husband' all the time. Plenty of things aren't perfect but you don't just jack it in!!

[southeastastra]

my dp has never cleaned the loo, should i leave him then?

[Gobbledigook]

Ha ha - well it's a wonder you are married at all then. Is there not one tiny thing that irritates you about your husband?!

[BlingLovin]

But that's me. And that's my point - is it just me, or do others feel the same?

I want to have children, not marry them. But other women don't seem to feel the same.

[Gobbledigook]

Southeastastra - run, run for the hills

[motherinferior]

I'm with BL. I cannot imagine living with - and I'm yet to get married - a man who considered domestic work Women's Work. Ditto cooking. Or looking after kids. I'm always amazed by the general attitude of 'what can you expect from a man' round here.

[JuneBugJen]

Depends. When I was a SAHM I felt it was my 'job' to pretty much do most things. And I enjoyed it!

Now I work 3 days a week those days have ended and he has to pull his weight more and would be very pissed off if he didn't. Its still about 70:30 though.

[Gobbledigook]

No , I do expect a level of equality and my dh does do lots in the house so I'm not really in that position - but he needs more prodding adn prompting than I do and it's irritating at times but it's not a deal breaker. There are far more important things in life than whether dh gets the hoover out as often as I'd like.

[TheProvincialLady]

I am surprised at the responses TBH. Doing NOTHING around the house, if it really is that, is not 'one tiny little thing'. There is a big difference between leaving the cap off the toothpaste and never lifting a finger to clean up after yourself/your children etc.

[motherinferior]

Seriously, never? How do you stand it?

My relationship is far from perfect, and my partner and I have plenty of rows about housework/childcare. But if he thought his genitalia bought him a get out of jail free card, they'd certainly be coming nowhere near mine.

[expatinscotland]

I agree with BL. I see where she's coming from.

I wouldn't marry a lazy arse because I abhor that trait.

But there's been threads on here with people married to people who basically show them FA respect and treat the house like a hotel complete with maid servant.

I knew a gal like this and she had big time martyr syndrome. She enjoyed being a doormat, it gave her something to bitch about.

She'd moan about her husband stayed out till all hours getting pissed whilst she was with 3 wee children and had to get up for work.

She asked if my husband would do that, I said if he did he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

[Gobbledigook]

If then did literally ZIPPO that would be different - is that what you are referring to?

If their laziness was coupled with a genuine lack of respect then that's anotehr story - but then it woudl be the lack of respect that I couldnt' live with not hte lack of housework and sometimes I don't think some dh's really have no respect they just don't see mess and dirt half the time.

Some people are tidy (me), some are not (dh)and sometimes you clash heads. Tis life.

[WideWebWitch]

I have a dh who pulls his weight and I don't understand why women put up with men who don't. What ARE these men on?

I don't know what you do though if you don't want to leave but neither do you want to put up with it.

Frankly, the lack of respect for me inherent in my partner NOT pulling his weight would, I think, lead to the relationship breaking down.

I don't want to be someone's cleaner or housekeeper and being female doesn't mean I was born knowing how to use a washing machine and how to do other tedious household stuff.

[BlingLovin]

Im' not talking about little irritations, I'm talking about a distinct refusal by the man to take an equal partnership role in whatever form that may take. Like TPL says.

how many times on here is there a woman complaining that DP/DH says that he doesn't see why he should cook/clean/look after dcs because he works all day and is tired? Or the DH is unhappy because his dinner isn't on the table on time. Or feels he can work all week and then disappear all day on a Saturday to play sport because he "needs a break".

[Gobbledigook]

Plus - you can 'train' an inately lazy and messy person - as I have quite successfully. He's not a domestic God yet but he does, almost, his fair share.

[expatinscotland]

Here, here, WWW!

[motherinferior]

And at that point huge numbers of other posters say 'ooh, yes, mine is just the same, what can you expect, men just don't do housework, count yourself lucky that he cleaned the fridge back in 2003...'

[lulumama]

i think you sometimes have to change your expectations a bit

e.g DH does not do tidying/hoovering/cleaning.

but he does all the gardening, DIY, painting and putting together / moving around furniture

he also does the school run once or twice a week , if he is off during the week, gets DD dressed most mornings, gives the dCs brekky on a saturday before he goes to work, takes DS to lots of places, takes DCs out together once a week or so, and does his own ironing

and works looooooooong loooooooong hours

so, housework, no he does not do anything to speak of, but helps in many other ways

and that is fine by me !

[Gobbledigook]

Ok, I get ya.

yes, there are people like that on MN - dhs that clearly couldn't give a toss.

[TheProvincialLady]

I am a SAHM and my DH works full time. But when he comes home from work we are both more or less equally responsible for the housework and childcare. I have made sure that the basics are done before he gets home but he cleans up the kitchen after we have had dinner whilst I put DS to bed, or vice versa. At the weekend I work him like a slave

I agree that a lot of this 'my husband won't pull his weight and it is SO hard' stuff is just martyrdom and inability to relinquish control.

[expatinscotland]

It's all a part of the entitlement culture so prevalent now, though, BL.

It's the whole 'I did this, so I deserve a break/treat, etc.'

When in reality, a person is actually entitled to jack shit.

And seriously, there are such immature and selfish people out there.

If you want to have freedom to party all weekend or blow all your disposable income on yourself, then why didn't you just get sterilised and not have kids at all? I mean, surely you can't expect to do that after becoming a family?

But why put up with that sort of behaviour?

Like you said, I want to have children, not be married to one.

[BlingLovin]

Gobbledigook, I'm not saying he has to do exactly 50%. Or that he has to do it with a happy smiley face. I certainly don't most of the time. And I'm also not talking about different standards - hoovering daily vs once weekly for example. I'm talking about DPs who don't take a fair share of responsibility for running the home or family.

And sadly, I'm not getting answers from the women we hear about - the ones who are in this situation. I genuinely want to know.

[BlingLovin]

oops. took me too long to write that post. it's now irrelevant.