Am I being a nagging bitch?

[lowenergylightbulb]

I can take it if I am! I need to get some perspective.

DH works hard, he is a workoholic. He very much defines himself by his job. And his job comes before everything else.

We have 3 kids I work hard running the home and looking after the kids. I'm also 'there' for DH. I listen to his work woes, I'm always on the end of the phone if he needs anything. All he has to do every day is get up and go to work. I don't mind that at all, I'm at home thus it's logical for me to do the at home stuff.

Here is what I do mind. I resent being sent out to buy people on DH's team boxes of chocolates and bottles of wine to thank them for their efforts, I resent the fact that if a work person phones/emails/texts DH he is on it straight away - my calls etc are ignored, I resent talking to his back while he is on his computer, I resent him not paying any attention to things that are going on in my/the kids lives.

We had a chat on wednesday night where I laid it on the line about how I was feeling. I asked for one evening a week and for sundays to be a family day. He didn't say anything, just sort of patted my leg in a 'silly old girl' sort of way.

He's been late home from work every night for weeks and weeks and weeks...tonight (in light of our chat) I thought he might make the effort to come home on time. But no - he's going to the pub with his team after work.

And he just sort of mentioned it as he was leaving. So I just sort of sent him a text thanking him for demonstrating exactly where I stand.

I'm sick of getting the crumbs off his table. I don't get the fun him, the switched on him, the energetic him. He'll give that to everyone else apart from me.

I'm so sad about it all that I don't know if I'm unreasonable or not.

[MrsMattie]

Talk to him again. Show him this message.

His work-life balance is all wrong, but the good news is, it sounds like just by tweaking his attitude and his schedule a small amount, he could make you SO much happier and your relationship SO much better.

[ledodgy]

You sound very reasonable to me and he is not being.

[Iklboo]

He's treating you like a home help/PA. It's fairly obvious you and the kids are playing second fiddle to his job.
Me - I'd book a break away for me and the kids and not tell him. When he went out to work in the morning I'd pack me and the kids off to the break. When he came home from work expecting you there, tea on the table, little Johnny there presented in his sailor suit all shiny & scrubbed direct froim his bath....he'd get an empty house, empty fridge and no heating on.
Just a note with a number where I could be reached and when I'd be back (minimum 1 week)

[solidgoldskullonastick]

You are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately he thinks that you are a 'woman' ie an appendage to him that exists to service him, rather than a human being. You need to insist on some time for you ie an afternoon each weekend and an evening each week where you go out without the DC and enjoy yourself. The trouble with beign a SAHM is that it can all too easily end up as a 24/7 job for subsistence only: you need time off.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

I like iklboos suggestion.

You are not an employee, you shouldnt have to fetch stuff for his team. Just dont do it.
If he cant be bothered with the domestic side of things, you should not bother about the business side of things.

At the moment you are enabling him to work so much, to keep such a tight focus on work, because he has no reponsibilities at home, and he is not at all expected to.

He needs to change this. I dont know how, though, but going away for a week and let him handle his own food, clothes, etc, might be just what he need to wake up and smell the lacking coffee

[lowenergylightbulb]

I don't want 'time off' as such, although now you've mentioned it(!!) I want him to invest some of the energy and emotion that he puts into his job into 'us'.

In the evenings, when he's not poring over a spreadsheet, the only thing he talks about is his job.

Every topic of conversation I introduce gets turned around so it's relevant to his job...

I do take the point about the 'human being' thing. I'm just a function really aren't I?

I've swung now from feeling sad to wanting to chop his bollocks off!!!

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

I feel sorry for you, for he must be a very boring and unimaginative man.

Can you suggest something interesting to do as a family at the weekend? Could you all start cycling for example? Fresh air, time out, exercise, etc?

Try persuade him to go camping?

[pamelat]

What was your relationship like before you had children? Did he treat you as an equal?

The leg patting is a bit patronising.

[Miyazaki]

Is he worse at the moment? I am the main earner and I feel very anxious about the economic climate and making sure that my family are ok, am definitely working harder...

[JuneBugJen]

Show him that message. It puts your POV very well.

[JuneBugJen]

Why not just get a job of wine for his team from Majestic?

[lowenergylightbulb]

His job is pretty secure, and he's no worse than he was a couple of years ago. He's not stressed - he genuinely loves what he does.

I'm pretty annoyed TBH, he hasn't responded to the text I sent him this morning. I've decided that the kids and I are going to the cinema after school and then on to pizza express for dinner.

Quint... he has become pretty boring. I organise stuff for us all to do at the weekends and he either tags along with a face like a smacked arse, or he has too much work on to join us.

I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and tomorrow I'm going to lay it on the line for him (again).

I can't accept things as they are, and if he won't meet me half way then there's nothing else to be said I guess....

[OrmIrian]

You aren't his PA!

[RibenaBerry]

Lowenergy - Can I ask a question? What was he like before you had kids? Were you working too and, if so, was it in a similar job (is he City or similar?).

I work in the City and part of the problem I see in the marriages of senior employees is that the wives (let's face it, 99.9% of the time it's this way round) had jobs which were easy to 'contain' before giving up to have kids. Jobs where 'overtime' was the exception, not the norm. As a result, the man's default response to any request is pretty much "You don't understand what the City is like. Your requests are not realistic." That doesn't mean that they aren't of course (although some of them... Thou shalt leave the office at 5:30 every night come what may), but it can lessen the impact of what the husband hears. I wondered if this might be happening here?

You sound v reasonable and not extreme at all, I should add. But this thinking does get ingrained in men in this kind of environment. If that's the problem, I think your communication with him might also need to focus on breaking through that barrier to get past the 'knee patting' response.

[lowenergylightbulb]

pre kids we both had jobs with normal hours and were on the bottom rung of our careers. He has gone up the ladder, I haven't. I can't because there is no way that I could do those hours and parent 3 kids (one of whom has mild SN).

He never says 'oh but I'm the one working here...' but it is like the elephant in the room.

I've swung from feeling cross to feeling sad again. It's quite hurtful to be thought little of. And to think 'is this it'? Is this how it's going to be forever, no 'care'. I don't want love notes left around the house or flowers delivered every day but just to feel like I matter to him.

[pamelat]

I think that you should book a weekend away with a friend (ask him which weekend would suit him to "babysit") and let him see that your "job" is not easy.

He may well under value you.

[beanieb]

Why not work a little less hard at running the home and looking after the kids? I know you want to spend time with him and as a family but couldn't you send him a clear message to him by telling him casually that you are off out for the evening?

[beanieb]

just read you are going for a pizza etc. Couldn't you arrange something for tomorrow? So while you are off out shopping or seeing family/friends he will be the one responsible for the kids etc. You could tell him just as you walk out the door, kinda casually!?

[lowenergylightbulb]

Ok, the being out last friday (with the kids!) shocked him.

We had another lay it on the line talk on saturday and he took it on board and has reassessed the work/life thing.

So...no work after 8pm on school nights, friday nights are work free and sundays are total family days.

I know it's early days but the atmosphere here has destressed by about 90%, he's made a huge effort to make me feel loved, wanted and valid...and we have got some of our mojo back!!

Thanks MNetters for giving me a kick up the arse to stand up and be counted!

[bellabelly]

That is fantastic news, lightbulb - good on you for speaking up for what you want. Hope this is the start of a new chapter for you all.