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follow up from last year ... it took me a year to confront everyone!

19 replies

hannah11 · 01/10/2008 02:19

hi everyone

In june 07 I wrote about a huge thing in my life about how I couldnt confront my family about childhood abuse - but just wanted to say that after things getting a lot worse with me, I just sent the letter.

I feel very weird and offbalance, and I suggested a period of estrangement but I didn't blame anyone I just said how I feel and how I need to work on myself. i am not sure who I am at the moment - and stupidly worried that people are upset or angry. I need to bring the centre of gravity back to me. i am staying in the US at the moment as I am applying for various things but I am having trouble just functioning like a normal person and wonder how it will be when i get back to the UK.

I thought it would be a big weight off my shoulders but now i am worried that i have just stirred up a pit of vipers, and that it is going to distract me from (and help me make a mess of) the rest of my life!

anyway I just want to say thank you for all your support last year and any similar experiences would be great to hear about!



hannah
x

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BitOfFun · 01/10/2008 02:38

I have not long joined, but want to wish you all the best with this, and hope to catch up with you in my insomniac hours in the UK! Love to you, you sound very brave, hope you will keep in touch x

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hannah11 · 01/10/2008 02:46

Hi BitofFun - so kind of you to respond, I am feeling very stuck and alone - more alone than ever especially as I know no one here ... and I keep thinking that maybe I should have just shut up like a good girl (after all, what do my feelings matter: when do I break those old patterns?). I don't feel brave at all. One thing I do feel is that I am at risk of being someone who focuses only on the past while everyone else has gotten on with their lives.

At the moment I feel like a heartbroken 7 year old - not the result i was hoping for!

x
Hannah

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humanbean · 01/10/2008 08:14

When you get back to the UK, take a course called Pattern Changing which is free and run by Women's Aid. It's for abuse victims. It's blardy brilliant. In writing the letter you have let loose something in yourself and that will make you feel afraid and weak to start with. You are clearly on the right road to changing and healing the scared 7 year old inside you. Well done. Hold your head up high. Abusers are 100 per cent at fault. It was NOT your fault. Your life will begin to move on. You have to look at, and get over the past, to get on with loving yourself again and being excited about your future.

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WhirlingStirling · 01/10/2008 08:45

Totally agree with Humanbean.

I have gone through the same and must admit that things may get difficult after sending the letter, but in the long run, you will be glad you did it and will feel alot stronger.

It is a good way to take control back.

You are obviously a very strong lady

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hannah11 · 01/10/2008 14:27

Thank you - I will certainly look at that course. I feel pretty dreadful just now and seem unable to sleep at all - not great, but on some level I worry that in moving from victim I have become an aggressor (in the sense that my family will have been going on with their lives and then suddenly i pop up and derail it). But the letter only spoke about how i feel and didn't blame or hurt anyone. So perhaps this is me just trying to be a good little girl (i.e. keep quiet)

I didn't expect to feel guilt and fear, but that's what I have ...

Thanks so much for your help

x
H

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ActingNormal · 01/10/2008 23:06

Hannah, I wrote letters to my family 4 months ago and felt the way you describe. They probably made you feel that you weren't allowed to talk about things and this has been ingrained in you from a young age so you feel scared because it is a 'habit' to feel scared if you have done something they consider to be 'naughty'.

You have broken the silence on what happened to you and may 'shatter the calm' and this is scary. You deserve to be able to do this though! Keeping what happened secret implies shame, but this should not be your shame, it should be the perpetrators'. By breaking the silence you are no longer accepting that you should be ashamed - you should not - it was not your fault.

Staying silent is also a way of 'agreeing' with your family that your feelings are not important, and therefore you are not important and you were putting their feelings first by protecting them from how they would feel if you spoke sooner. By writing the letter you are saying your feelings are important and you are important - saying it not just to them, but saying it to yourself. This is the starting point for allowing yourself to have some self esteem. I think it is a really good thing.

Are you scared what their reaction will be? Have they responded yet? I was scared of making my family angry with me or upset and felt guilty. Compare it to how shit you have probably felt for years and years though!

I was also scared it would cut them off and I would feel alone, but did you ever really have them?

I know how much courage it takes to do what you have done, this is a really big thing.

Please let us know how they respond.

Hope you are ok x

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hannah11 · 02/10/2008 01:14

Thank you so much ActingNormal

i am not sure what or who I am at the moment - you really hit the nail on the head, and it is so good to speak with someone else who has done this as it feels quite mad.

I became very tearful as I recognised my own feelings in your words - the thing which instigated this is the realisation that every moment I kept quiet was another "yes you are right" to them. By keeping quiet I really wasn't keeping quiet.

I have kept relationships on hold and avoided having kids (which I really want) "until I had sorted everything out" and it has caused a very big break up with someone I thought was going to be the father of my children. I have done all sorts of therapy and have really worked on myself - but having the constant trigger of contact with them has meant that the wound was being reopened.

It is also true I have had trouble sleeping since childhood (I will be safe if I keep awake etc) and often spend most nights crying - if the people who receive the letter spend only a week or a month feeling bad, then they have come off lightly tbh.

I realise it might mean that I lose touch with the younger members of the family who I really adore, and goodness knows what kind of spin will be put on things.

At the moment I have some really important choices about where to live and what to do - so I really hope that I can get a grip.

I haven't heard from them yet - so I am kind of bracing myself - EXACTLY like a frightened child would.

i really have to stop that. It was as if I felt that I owed it to myself as a child - if I saw a child being treated that way I would intervene, so stepping in and saying "stop" is the way forward.

I feel a lot less angry though - or maybe the anger is more on the surface (not sure what that means - but it was definitely suppressed before). I have a kind of clarity as if some of my mental white noise has died down.

I do feel as if I am able to define myself now and hope to start making a good job of that!

I think I should cling to that whenever i doubt my decision; it does feel like a bereavement however.

Thank you again!

x
H

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humanbean · 02/10/2008 07:20

I did the letter writing thing too. It caused a total storm. I went through a terrible few months coming to terms with what I had done and trying to reassure myself that I had done Nothing Wrong. My family cut me off. But in fact it was I really who had cut them off. I had to. It was painful. I have very little contact with them now. But of course in the long run it has helped me hugely. It has been a liberation for me. I am so much better. I am a GROWN UP now! I have owned my anger, I have expressed it. I have blown the lid on it all. And the fact that they have all willingly just pissed off out of my life (if you like) just goes to show that trying to be the good little girl, the adoring dutiful daughter and sister all those years, was a bloody waste of time and stunted me.

Honestly, don't worry about how they respond. They might not respond at all - which you will need to have a think about. They might not acknowledge you...just as my feelings and anger in my letters were not acknowledged. I was told I was offensive and could not be forgiven. And that was that. I was pregnant with first and only baby and in my 40s for eff's sake and they STILL treated my feelings with disdain and effectively 'told me off' and sent me to coventry for months.

When they realised I liked Coventry however and wanted to stay there - ie I didn't apologise or go crawling back - they became confused and started emotional blackmail stuff. I stood strong. Because I was OVER them. I have moved on. I became a 'valid' grown up with valid feelings. Now I have contact with them on my terms only. And it is limited. They have still never acknowledged my feelings or a word of what I wrote in my letters btw but that doesn't matter. I have said it all and they have heard it. For me, it has been like emerging from a cult - that is how I have described it.

Be scared for a while, but be strong. You have done the right thing. If you want a family of your own (and I longed for children too) then make that a focus. It will happen. I found that actually preparing to become a mother (ie being pregnant) was a big motivation in cutting my toxic ties. It suddenly became obvious that I had to do it. Life was suddenly very real...I was going to be a parent and I could not have my own family infecting my life and ability to believe in myself anymore.

Hope you feel ok. Keep posting here. Acting Normal is VERY good at this stuff and will help you loads.

HB X

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ActingNormal · 02/10/2008 11:16

HumanBean I LOVE what you wrote that telling them what happened and how you felt was a LIBERATION - that really is a good word to describe it, and you realised you were GROWN UP and could express yourself properly and not be scared of who you are but be PROUD of who you are. I felt so positive reading your post.

We should be proud that we survived bad things to become as 'functioning' as we are! We haven't ended up in prison (like my brother), or addicted to drugs, or in a mental institute, or just hopeless and helpless having given up on ourselves, we are STRONG.

I think you are so right to say don't expect a particular reaction to the letter if any at all. The important thing is the act of writing it and sending it, that we have expressed ourselves, for ourselves and refused to keep quiet any longer and accept any shame or blame.

From what I've read lots of parents in this position deny everything or accuse the 'child' of hurting them. They are defensive.

My dad phoned the day he got the letter and said as I had requested that they let me know they had read it he was phoning to tell me they had read it. At least he acknowledged that much. He didn't apologise for anything or admit to anything. He said he hadn't known about any of it (I recently found out this is not true), therefore couldn't have done anything about it (there were so many signs they chose not to notice though eg bruising, extremely withdrawn behaviour, drunkenness, obvious fear of my bro, picking arguments with my GF when previously we were like 'best friends', the fact that I TOLD my mum GF was abusing me and bro was beating me up and mentally abusing me). I had written about my parents lack of any emotional expression and my dad said "I have no problem expressing myself". He said he doesn't feel the need to so he doesn't - no problem (I said it was a problem for the rest of us).

My mum didn't even acknowledge that she had read the letter til 4 months later (the other week). She acted like nothing had happened, as did my dad after the intital phone call. She finally phoned (I think only because of pressure from my dad's sister) and said sorry BUT she hadn't realised it had gone so far, I hadn't explained to her properly what GF did (not true, I told her the physical details), she couldn't be in two rooms at once to see what he was doing and she had told my dad not to leave me alone with GF because he was "too free with his hands" (in other words saying, it wasn't all her fault because dad knew as well). And anyway on several occassions after I had told her she sent me into rooms alone with him eg "go and say hello to GF now you have come home from school or he will be offended and I will never hear the end of it". She didn't say anything about my bro. So basically I felt that her 'sorry' was cancelled out by being wrapped in so many excuses.

My bro phoned as soon as he got his letter and although he seems like the worst one, his response was perfect! He said sorry over and over. He said if I wanted nothing to do with him he would understand. He said how awful what he did was and that it was awful that having been abused himself (outside the family), instead of dealing with it he became an abuser himself, against me. I sent his letter first and asked him how he felt about me telling our parents most of the details of what he did to me (I left out the sexual parts as I just couldn't bring myself to tell them that about him). He said I should tell them everything and tell anyone I want everything if it is going to help me regardless of how it makes him look. He said I need to be selfish now and do what I need to do to feel better.

In his letter I changed all the names so that people couldn't get into trouble, because prison staff read all the letters in and out, and they asked my bro who [his code name] was. He immediately said "That was me, I did those things". They asked him to write about what happened himself for his own therapy and he said although there is some possibility of extra charges against him he would do it because he is determined to heal himself and change so that he never hurts anyone in any way again and to help me as well.

The things my bro said meant a lot to me. The things my parents said annoyed/angered me. But basically I knew when I wrote the letters that I didn't need any particular response from them, the important thing was to say what I wanted to say, know that I can say how I feel and have some self esteem because I have treated myself as important enough to express my feelings. I can't stress this enough!

I am happy with very limited contact with my parents and slightly more contact with my bro now. It took a while not to feel guilty about not being there for them so much (because they all need help). The thought that really helped though was - if too much contact with (and thinking about) them messes me up so that I am giving less attention and less of myself to my DCs and DH then I should not be doing it! My DCs and DH deserve my attention and have done nothing wrong. My family have done plenty wrong and should be grateful if I give them anything at all. Also they are adults and if they need help it is their OWN responsibility to get help. Just because I feel sad for them does not mean I should be the one to try to help them. And anyway, they have never tried to help me, apart from my bro has recently.

Sorry I've written so much, it really helps me as well, to consolidate in my mind all that has happened recently.

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hannah11 · 02/10/2008 22:56

Thank you ActingNormal and HumanBean: in fact "thank you" isn't enough to express how much you have helped me. You are both such amazing people - to be so brave and then relive it all to help me through a similar experience!

It is exactly like leaving a cult - which is probably why I feel "am I the mad one?". I must say that I am prepared to estrange myself completely - it was only when I got to the point when I was actually considering cutting off contact as the best solution that I could write the letter- and I suspect the routine will be the "them against me" scenario - so, I will first be cut off by them and then - when I happily have no contact - one of my siblings will be brought in to get me to tow the party line and "don't I know how much hurt I am causing". I have already been living rather estranged from them for about 6 months so I have been trying to get used to the idea by limiting contact.

On a more superficial level I have my birthday and Christmas approaching - and am not sure exactly how to get through that.
I still feel some guilt - some people involved have had really difficult lives but I have to remember this is NOT about them it is about my life. And I really want to get a life.

Much love to you all

I am hoping that at some time in the next few days I will manage to sleep

xxx
H

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humanbean · 03/10/2008 06:53

It sounds as though you have moved on from them in yur head already. You are just having the pysical mnidestations of going through the cutting off process - no sleep, being anxious, wondering how the hell you will get through 'family' times like christmas, waiting for a sibling to get in touch.

These will pass. I too went through all of that. I too am facing a christmas (the second in 44 years) that will not be a family affair and I don't know entirely where I am going to spend it. On my own mostly - though with ds obviously. But I have choices I did not have before I got on my stallion and rode out of Family Town. I am going to a friend's who has a large harmonious busy extended family for xmas lunch and I am going to the beach to see the sea with DS even if it's pissing with rain. I am going to wake up in my OWN house, have a cocktail at about 11am, watch ds open his stocking (open too grand a word. He will only be 1yr!) and just experience it. It will be different. But it will be less stressful than the forced smiles of old. Also I do not have to drive squillions of miles to visit everyone, I do not have to pack suitcases to stay over anywhere, I do not have to have a fag outside when I get there! ha ha. I can have a fag outside my OWN back door. Ha ha.

Honestly, when the physical fear and sleeplessness has passed you will feel a new person. Do not be afrid. You have one life. You are starting to live it. On your own terms. You are totally right - others have had a tough time too etc. But don 't feel guilty. They have to make their own decisions now, about how to deal with the fallout. You have to make best of yourself and the most of your life - you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for them now. You have a duty to yourself to live a happy fulfilled grown up life.

My sibling was sent to blackmail me. I had texts and an email about how my behaviour in cutting my ties was causing pain all round and everyone was losing out including me...and ds.

Do not bring my son into this, I thought angrily. He is the next generation and not going to be touched by it. Eff off. I just didn't reply and funnily enough my sibling gave up trying very quickly. She is still in the cult. I actually feel sorry for her - she is not married, no kids, itinerant lifestyle, enjoys being slighty mad. Is a carbon copy of her mother! But I cannot do anything about her. I am doing Life for Me now.

Although on another thread I am going through all sorts of shit...BUT I have gone through it al without the help or suport of my 'family.' I haven't needed them to make it worse!. xxx

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Ally90 · 03/10/2008 09:13

Hi Hannah, just adding support for sending your letter and I have to agree with ActingNormal and Humanbean, very good advice.

I sent my letter to my mother at 8mth pg with my dd, feb 06. She's never stopped trying to contact me, by bumping into me in my town (they live 10 miles away and she does not drive) or walking out to the village I live in. She goes through the usual cycle. Letter 1. Emotional blackmail, letter/postcard/card 2. Aggressive, letter/card etc 3. emotional blackmail...and so on. Her most extreme reaction was a year ago this month, dumping 14 bin bags of my childhood toys and a memorial of me (picture of me as a 6 yr old and in her writing above 'in loving memory of my dear dd etc' as if I were dead. Her social skills leave a lot to be desired. I think what hurt most about sending my letter was the fact my mother and father never acknowledged verbally or in any letter in the last 2.5 years that I was suicidal at 9 due to my mothers behaviour. That hurts. And the fact my mother could only twist the words in my examples of her behaviour so she came out as the 'loving mother' she says she is...always has done. God forbid she were ever in Miss World...she would be the judge for her own section 'Best Dressed In Swimwear'...only your children can say if you were a good enough mother...you can't keep telling them are, it won't make it true or real to them.

Regarding leaving a cult...oh yes can totally identify...used to wonder if I were the sane one in a madhouse or vice versa. I know now that my families behaviour is lacking in social skills, respect for other peoples feelings, love, trust...just a houseful of bombs waiting to go off at one another to cause maximum damage. Nice environment to grow up in.

My abuse btw was emotional neglect and emotional abuse by my mother, emotional abuse by my sister and emotional neglect by my father.

Anyway must go...keep strong, it is a frightening experience putting your feelings out there to people who have hurt you in the past then pretended nothing happened...it is the unknown. You have done the right thing...and being in the US and them in the UK is a very good thing They can try to emotionally hurt you again...but if they do, come back here and tell all, we will help make sense of what they are doing.

Oh and have you heard of FOG? Fear Obligation Guilt...I think that could be what you are suffering at the moment

allyxx

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hannah11 · 03/10/2008 21:04

Thank you so much humanbean and Ally90! Unfortunately I won't be in the US much longer so facing the music will be interesting. I am feeling very tired (and sort of raw with pain) so I am sorry if I don't write the length of response that your detailled posts deserve.

I feel strange, older I suppose. I am accepting that I might never have any contact with them again but I am also worried how that will be and also worried that I might back down when I shouldn't, IYSwIM - anyway, anxiety is the common them.

Ally90 I just looked up FOG - OMG that is EXACTLY what has been happening (for as long as I can remember). It is interesting that as I read through and categorised my experiences they sort of lost their force.

Thank you all for giving me the strength to go through with this!

xxx
H

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hannah11 · 02/12/2008 18:18

Hi everyone

I have news. If you remember i wrote to my mother just asking for space while i sort my head out but she has finally replied and it is pure vitriol - really poisonous.

I was anxious that i may have upset someone just by asking for space - that they would be worried - but NO, even though I am making (and hope to continue making) progress in my career apparently i am a complete disaster and also "mad"?

that's news to me.

I am still reeling from the letter and part of me wants to explain everything to her, show her how many good things have happened to me in the last months, explain and justify myself - but isn't that what a narcissist would want, so that i get into a pattern of looking for approval?

Perhaps I just have to face the music and cut off contact. It also turns out that she has been opening letters addressed to me and sent to her address by mistake - not exactly legal.

Feel as if my head has exploded and hope to get a grip soon. It's impossible to speak to someone who has such a loose grip on reality.

it took me ages to feel balanced enough to write to you all - any advice gratefully received. I have no idea how I am going to get through Christmas.

Hannah

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hannah11 · 02/12/2008 18:21

PS

humanbean -I just read what you wrote a month or so back about how your family treated you and it seems that I am going through exactly the same stuff.

it is true that after years of being the Good Little Girl too scared to reveal what was happening and scared to upset my mother, there was absolutely no need to - they just aren't worth it.

x

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BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 02/12/2008 18:31

I am so sorry to hear that you got this response hannah11 - sadly, I think these kind of people seem to have almost a script they stick to, and I'm sure Ally and others will know exactly what you are talking about. There are some fantastic people on MN, especially on the Stately Homes thread, so please keep posting, and I hope you find the support you need. I have got no useful experience myself to offer, but I know there are some very wise people here! All the best to you x

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hannah11 · 02/12/2008 18:45

Thank you so much BitofFun - each time it takes me a day to get the courage to post about this in public - so your words of encouragement are like gold.

It was interesting that I said that I needed space to get my head straight because of things that happened in my childhood" and they didn't ask once "what is it that has happened?" they went straight for the kill which tells me a great deal

I am trying to regroup - my insomnia is worse than ever before as i start to have conversations with everyone in my head as soon as I am about to fall asleep.

Not sure what to do yet - just need to get through this week which has some very important deadlines!

x

H

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Kayteee · 03/12/2008 00:09

hey Hannah,
I'm just off to bed now but wanted to ask you if you've read "Toxic Parents"? Can't remember off-hand the lady-author's name but
it helped me a lot as my experiences have been very similar to yours. It's not very happy reading though, so maybe not a good idea over Xmas. Will keep watching the thread and wish you all the very best.
x

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hannah11 · 03/12/2008 01:16

Thanks Kaytee

I haven't read toxic parents - does it give practical advice?

I'll look for it tomorrow!

xxx

H

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