DH can't / won't contribute and I'm at the end of my tether...

[eejaykay]

This is gonna be a long one...

I'm 16 weeks pg with first child. I've been with dh for nearly 9 years, married for one. He isn't working, my (decent but not great) wage is our sole income. However, he has been living off inherited money for the past 2 years. This has run out this month - in fact, I found out he has run up a huge overdraft on his account. I'm desperately trying to sort out our finances, pay off some debts, get a bit of redecorating done and get ourselves clear for when bub arrives, and now i'm faced with having to manage all our household finances as well.

Its a complicated situation.. DH has always been a bit money illiterate (whereas I'm the sort of weirdo who likes to know exactly what's where when). He used to work as a freelancer and it was always boom or bust with money. He also didn't temp or sign on in between jobs. He left work 5 years ago to care for his Mum who had cancer and Alzheimers. I supported him financially then, but was frustrated that he didn't sign on for carers allowance or any of the things he was entitled to.

She died nearly 3 years ago now. DH was really knocked sideways by her death (his father had died some years previously). He worked part-time at Oddbins for a year, but that earnt very little so I stlll supported him. In the last year of his Mum's illness, I bought our first flat - all in my name as I was the one with the deposit and his credit rating is on the floor. This was a really tough year - he was depressed, I was getting further into debt to make ends meet, but we knew inheritance money was coming.

Inheritance money arrived and we had a much easier year last year, financially. We were in fact, a bit irresponsible. Paid off the debts, had a couple of fab holidays, and had a wonderful and extravagant wedding. Don't get me wrong - DH is not mean with his money, nor am I saying he owes me anything. Last year was a tough year in other ways though - I had two miscarriages and for various reasons, DH didn't get back on his feet emotionally. He'd left Oddbins, to find a proper job, but got no nearer finding one - couldn't work out what he wanted to do and didn't apply for anything.

So - here we are now. I've known for some time money was getting tighter and since beginning of the year I have asked (demanded?) DH pay half of the mortgage and bills. I had got so resentful over the years I supported him it seemed like a fair expectation. But I've paid for our hols and treats - I earn more, no problem with that. After a lot of pressure from me, he started seeing a counsellor in April, and did his first job application in June. He finally went 3 weeks ago to sign on - doesn't get anything because he hasn't paid enough NI - and is finally applying for jobs.

It's clear to me he's absolutely lost his confidence and is probably depressed, but he will do so little to help himself (e.g he will not go to the doctor). I am exhausted, and often angry with him even though at heart I do empathise. That said, I do believe adults have responsibilities and I just don't think he is living up to his. It feels to me like I'm always the one solving our problems.

In other ways he's a gorgeous man, very caring and lovely. I read the posts from women who have high-earning grotbags for husbands and know I'm lucky! I've read threads where Mumsnetters are very strongly opinionated about husbands who expect their wives to earn the same, and posts about marriage being shared finances etc. I agree with that and it's not like I'm not prepared to support him - but I think he has a responsibility to me, and us as a family, too.

To be honest, I need him to get his act together and am strongly considering asking him to leave at this point. We're seeing a counsellor, and I'm trying to keep sane and fair - but have been crying on and off for the past three days. have crushing headaches from the stress and, as you can tell, am not sleeping much

Any thoughts / advice?

[ozirish]

Hi ejk,
You sound a lovely together lady who has been a bit too nice to your partner. I am the same and am now incredibly angry and resentful of him as he is a musician and will only play guitar. He refuses to get a regular job saying it would destroy his soul. Well my whole perception of mysefl has been destroyed as I have been taken advantage of the person who is meant to take care of me and our dd.

Please ask him to leave. It may be the kick in the pants to get him motivated.

remember the four things in man, job, money, looks and sense of humour and remember that they should never meet.

Why is it these days that so many men don't work. I wish I had the guts to call my husband a lazy arse the first time he developed depression and then after the car accident. But after 6 years supporting him either emotionally or financially I've had it. I truly hate him.

This isn't meant to be about me but you can see what happens when their lack of getting a job can do.

[ozirish]

Hi ejk,
You sound a lovely together lady who has been a bit too nice to your partner. I am the same and am now incredibly angry and resentful of him as he is a musician and will only play guitar. He refuses to get a regular job saying it would destroy his soul. Well my whole perception of mysefl has been destroyed as I have been taken advantage of the person who is meant to take care of me and our dd.

Please ask him to leave. It may be the kick in the pants to get him motivated.

remember the four things in man, job, money, looks and sense of humour and remember that they should never meet.

Why is it these days that so many men don't work. I wish I had the guts to call my husband a lazy arse the first time he developed depression and then after the car accident. But after 6 years supporting him either emotionally or financially I've had it. I truly hate him.

This isn't meant to be about me but you can see what happens when their lack of getting a job can do.

[ozirish]

Sorry clicked too quick

[NotQuiteCockney]

He's trying to get his act together. He's seeing a counsellor, he's trying to sign on, he's trying to find work. Please be patient with him, as much as you can. (It's hard, patience is so useful but somehow so hard to do.)

[lulumama]

i would also be torn, after all, his history re jobs and money is not inspiring. it depends if you are prepared to be patient, stick around and wait to see if he takes the counselling on board.

if he is committed to the counselling, i would think about staying, but i suppose from your POV you have been a single person and sole earner for such a long time, what difference would it make to split in financial terms

you obviously still care for him, is there love left?

if someone has problems and won;t help themselves, it is doubly frustrating, but he sounds like a very de motivated sort of chap anyway, not signing on or claiming benefits he was entiteld to, not going to docs..

depends if the inertia changes with the counselling

it is make or break now really

[AnguaVonUberwald]

It sounds to me like the key issue is that he has to be trying, he might not suceed at first, but if he is not making any effort then you can't take it.

I would suggest trying to put it to him in those terms and see if he can understand that.

I hope he can.

[beanblossom1]

I have a lot of sympathy. I'm in a similar position. For almost ten years I have been supporting my husband financially and emotionally. In many ways he is great - sensitive, caring, really intelligent and good fun - but he won't get a job, goes busking for a few hours each day to pay for drinking money and meets up in the bar with his mates but doesn't pay rent. He does cook an evening meal and occasionally cleans round the house but makes a huge deal of it. Frankly I'd prefer him to get a job. Has debts which I am helping him pay off. Every so often he has bursts of good intentions about work and talks about what he's going to do but they usually come to nothing. He is a talented photographer and musician but only works when it suits him. He had a short stint as a van driver but gave it up as it made him miserable. I pay for everything - the mortgage, the bills and have given up on a lot of the things I used to do before we met. I've even bought things to help him get a job but he doesn't bother. If we go out it's because I pay and then he's miserable because he says he feels we're spending too much money. I work in a stressful job and am paid well but the hours are long. It's consistently the biggest thing we row about and he just gets sulky. He refuses to see a counsellor; accuses me of nagging him and then points out that he lost his last job because we moved so I could get a promotion and earn more money. For years I felt guilty about this but now feel that he's taking advantage of me. It's like having a child rather than a husband. Not sure what to do as, like you, I love him and he has had problems - depression, low self esteem, a previous relationship breakdown - to handle. But I'm starting to feel like a mug in this relationship.

[GrapefruitMoon]

To the OP - have you thought about what childcare you will need when the baby arrives? Would you and your dh be happy for him to be a sahd?