My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Grandparents, grandchildren and suffering

16 replies

more · 25/06/2008 12:58

I really struggle to understand how children can suffer if their parent/s cut contact with their parents (the children's grandparents).

How can it be bad if it makes their parents (the children's parents) happier people?

There are some comments on this site suggesting that the children will suffer if they have no contact with their grandparents. I would like to know exactly how "you" think they suffer?

Does that not mean then that if both sets of grandparents are dead (sometimes way before the children are born) that the children will suffer?

I personally suffered as a child not because I did not have much contact with my grandparents (one of whom were dead, so obviously no contact there) but because my parents were control freaks. I did not think about my grandparents apart from at birthday parties and christmas.
I am actually glad I did not have that much contact with them because they too were just not nice people (same as my parents, control freaks, using money as a way of owning people, belittling (sp?)me, and the joyful list goes on).

I personally really wish that my parents had had the sense to cut contact (and stop worrying so much about losing out on their inheritance), worked on their own issues in order to have become more attentive and loving parents, instead of playing the martyrs.

OP posts:
Report
OverMyDeadBody · 25/06/2008 13:02

Maybe what they mean when they say children will suffer is tha tthe children will miss out?

I think, personally, it depends entirely on the circumstances, and if it is better for the parents and children not see see the grandparents then they won't be suffering (or at least not suffer as much).

It's like some people assume children will suffer if they have no contact with their fathers. Yes it will most likely affect them, but if the father is an abusive mean neglectful negative person then it's a lesser of two evils isn't it?

Report
OverMyDeadBody · 25/06/2008 13:04

I didn't have much contaqct with my grandparents when I grew up. I don't think I suffered at all because of this, but I did miss out on the experiences some people with very close relationships with their grandparents may have had, but then, we all miss out on some experiences others have, we all have differnet lives, and there is not only one ideal scenario for giving the best to our children.

Report
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/06/2008 13:14

I didn't have much contact with my PGPs, I didn't suffer, they weren't very nice people, and it made both my parents very miserable and stressed whenever we visited. Simple, really.

Report
more · 25/06/2008 13:17

See, kat2907, to me it is that simple as well. I could not make my children happy when my parents were in my life acting the way they do. I was constantly feeling under pressure, stressed, unhappy, would pick fights with hubby etc. I am a much happier and relaxed mum and wife and person now.

OP posts:
Report
Teuch · 25/06/2008 13:21

I think children need people in their lives who love them unconditionally and can show or communicate that love.

I don't think that it has to be a particular relative i.e. parents, grandparents, etc.

As long as children grown up feeling loved and valued, then we can feel comfortable about the many complicated situations that can arise in families.

Report
MsDemeanor · 25/06/2008 13:25

Well, I know my kids would suffer hugely if I suddenly cut my mum (their last surviving grandparent) out of their lives. They absolutely love her, and she them. They have a very deep, intense relationship that has nothing to do with me at all. She really annoys me sometimes, and we've had arguments, but I would never say she couldn't see the children, because it would be very cruel to them.
I feel the children do miss out now their other grandmother has died, as she was a truly lovely woman, and they adored her and miss her.
NObody is saying children should be forced to have a relationship with a cruel, uncaring or unkind grandparent, but I do think children ideally need and deserve to spend time with people who truly love them, and in my experience, the nature of a grandparent's love is very special.

Report
OverMyDeadBody · 25/06/2008 13:35

Teuch I agree totally. Well said.

Actually, when I left my ex I also cut all ocntaqct eith his parents, they where nasty mean people and I saw no reason why my DS needed to ever have anything to do with them. He has many people in his life who love him and care for him, so it definately not suffering or missing out as a result of this.

Report
QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 25/06/2008 13:40

My GPs were all dead before I was born so I have no concept of what that relationship is like.

Bizarrely my own dcs have no GPs (all dead again) but don't feel that they've missed out. Maybe because I have never thought that they have? (Not having GPs myself).

Report
TheApprentice · 25/06/2008 13:42

Obviously there are timesand situations in life when contact has to be cut, sometimes its the only way. But I tdo think it is sad for children not to know their grandparents with whom they often have a v special relationship (I realise this is not always the case)

My dh's mother died before we met, and I do feel sad for my ds that hes never going to know her.

Report
bookthief · 25/06/2008 13:42

I've felt very angry for my ds that he doesn't have any contact with dh's parents (their choice).

I suppose it's just that I feel greedy for love for ds (if that makes any sense). He's got lots of people who adore him but I suppose I want everyone to love him and it just makes sense for his blood relatives to be part of this.

Weirdly, one of the things I was most upset about when my mum was recently very ill was that ds might lose his only "real" grandmother. But this is all about me - You're right, ds won't in actual fact suffer. It will be normal to him.

Report
more · 25/06/2008 13:43

But MsDemeanor you do not have a truly bad relationship with your parents, so your children are probably going to miss her when she passes away.
And of course they are missing a person they had a good relationship with.

The thing is you probably have that kind of healthy relationship with your parents that other people are wanting with theirs. That is what my children are missing out on but they are not missing it, because they never had it and even if in contact with my parents they would not have it.

OP posts:
Report
bluefox · 25/06/2008 13:46

I didnt really get on with my MIL for a long time but Im very glad I didnt 'cut her out' of our lives. My dds would have missed out greatly if I had. We eventually reconciled our differences.

Report
ally90 · 25/06/2008 14:28

Nice thread More hope your doing okay today x

Teuch - beautifully put

Report
OrmIrian · 25/06/2008 14:33

If they are unpleasant people who will contribute little apart from unhappiness to the DC's lives I can see your POV. Of course they won't miss them. But for many children GPs are very important. They offer an alternative way of seeing things, a different perspective on the child's parents, a link with the past, a safe place to learn to be away from the parents for a while. All my DCs spend their first night away from home with my parents. They have the time to relax and just 'be' with my children, that I really have. But my parents are wonderful. I accept that not all parents are.

Report
OrmIrian · 25/06/2008 14:34

Sorry..."that I rarely have".

Report
Heffagooday · 25/06/2008 18:03

My grandparents all died when I was very small so I don't remember them, and never had any contact with them. When I see how excited my parents (and PIL) are about the birth of my LO, I realise even more how much I regret that I never had that relationship.

My siblings did know our grandparents fairly well (large age gap) and they've never seemed particularly fond of them. So, I don't think I suffered because I didn't know my grandparents, but I have always felt sad that I didn't have any. I probably feel more sad about it than I should because I'm imagining a relationship, and a bond, that probably never would have existed.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.