I dislike my daughter

[BlackEyeSun]

I posted this in parenting but it fits here too I think.

My daughter is 9 and I'm ashamed and saddened to admit that I dislike her. She is so much like my husband and his family and nothing at all like me. She's nasty, a bully, ignorent etc

It all started right from when she was a baby really, I tried to bring her up not to be a brat but DH and his family gave her EVERYTHING she wanted when she wanted it. On her first christmas FIL had to make two trips in the car to bring all the presents that they had bought her and this went on for the first few years until things got more expensive and even then they were spending about £500 each on her.

When she was 4 she demanded that she have her ears pierced. I said no, MIL took her out whilst I was at work and had them done.

When she started nursery she used to snatch things off all the other kids and wouldn't share anything and when the teachers tried to talk to her she would say things like "Who do you think you are talking to?" etc. I would always have to face the teachers who thought it was my fault.

I had to work full time once she started school so DH and his mother used to take it turns to take her to school and they encouraged her to look down her nose at other kids clothes ("look at that girl sweetheart, her shoes are nowhere near as lovely as yours") and DD started wondering around the playground asking kids why they couldn't afford nice clothes like her. MIL used to laugh and encourage her. When she was in year two (about 7 years old) one of the parents called DD a "snooty little sod" and MIL went to town on her in the middle of the playground and DD said to the woman "keep your trap shut about me in future" and then about 4 parents went into the school to complain and we had a letter home saying her attitude towards other people was a cause for concern.

Anyway the same kind of thing has continued through the years, in year 3 two parents went in to complain that DD was wrecking their DC's packed lunches by pouring drinks all over their food. Turns out DD had wanted what they had, they said no and MIL said (as a joke, apparantly) "pour your drink over their food then see how much nicer theirs is compared to yours".

At christmas last year half of the parents told their kids not to send her a card as one boy had and DD strolled out of school laughing at his writting and shouting "my god, a 2 year old would have better writing that this, is he thick?" and MIL laughed at her and agreed that her writing was so much better.

She's 9 now and I just don't like her , she annoys me, she struts about as if she owns everything, she talks awful to me, like I'm thick and below her and if ever I say no she ignores me and gets what she wants off MIL or DH. Neither of them listen to me.

A few weeks ago everyone in the class made a cardboard model and DD strolled out of school and shouted "you should have seen John's attempt, it was the worst of them all" and the mother of "john" told MIL that she was sick to death of DD thinking she was superiour and if it carried on she would make (another) complaint to the school, after a mouthful of abuse from MIL the woman turned to her son and said "smack her in the face next time she says anything to you, its the only way the little bitch will learn" .

Has anyone ever had to deal with disliking their own child? will it ever get better? Will she always be like this?

[ilovemydog]

Sounds to me that the problem is with DH and MIL undermining you.

Could you try and distance yourself from DH's (boyish) sense of humor without being nasty? Something like, 'Daddy thinks that's funny... what do YOU think...'

Could you talk to DH ato try and explain that you ned his help so she has more respect for you; that you NEED his back up?

[charitygirl]

No real helpful advice as i'm, not a parent yet, but wanted to say that it won't get any better unless you take a firmer line with MIL and DH and lay down some boundaries for DD. You can't be passive here.

[chocolatemummy]

oh god, i really feel for you, i worry about my dd sometimes becuase of this, she seems to think she rules the world and she is only 4, my MIL and FIL ruin her and when i am telling her of or she doesnt get her own way she gets upset and asks for them, i does my head in!
she starts school in sep and am hoping she will calm down and we havemoved away from inlaws so she sees them alot less

[avenanap]

This is learnt behaviour not your little girl. She has seen adults behave this way and she thinks that it is acceptable. At her age she won't think of how her behaviour affects and upsets other people. It's going to be a difficult job for you to be able to retrain her and her attitude to other children. My ds is very bright so he used to consider others as beneath (sp?) him. I was recommended a book by another mnetter, which I have used and he's a lovely boy at school now and has alot of friends. It's called the Unwritten Rules of Friendship.

Don't be too hard on your dd, she won't understand her behaviour, it's not her fault. The book's very good. It has strategies and ideas on how to help a child make friends. It's about £8 from amazon. It sounds like you need to distance her from MIL and FIL as the are really not helping her. It will get better.

[justageek]

blackeyesun? this is YOUR child yes? not your MIL or FIL's. Establish claim. Quite frankly if i had said no to my daughter getting her ears pierced and MIL had taken her to have it done, the shit would have hit the fan and she would have been told that as she is obviously not trustworthy to be around my daughter, then she wont be allowed to be...until she proves otherwise.

As it has been said, this is learned behaviour, there is still time for change, but stop blaming your MIL she may be the one behind it all, but you are her mother. Put a stop to it ANY WAY you can.

[Alexa808]

am totally with charitygirl on this. It ain't going to get better BES. You need to stand up to H and MIL. I don't know your background but if they really have the money then they don't have any class at all. You poor thing.

Have you ever thought about boarding school? You could make out to H and MIl how she'll be with all the other fab elite girls (and boys) and how she could build up a great network which will serve her well later. Then find a school and discuss your concerns with the head, they've seen it all. Don't worry.

The reason why I think a boarding school will sort her out is because she can't just run to MIL and H when she wants to. You yourself seem to have lost control over the situation and if you go against the 3 of them it'll only get tougher and tougher for you, it sounds like a losing battle. I'd give this case over to people who have studied educating young people, who can instill manners and discipline in your DD. In certain good schools she'd be boarding with princesses, heirs and so forth, she'll learn she's not better than the rest and it'll teach her some humility if she's not being picked up by helicopter or spends her vacations on lush islands. She'll have to muck in and most teachers and heads are very strict and discipline reigns.

Even if it's only for a year or 2 I'm sure it'll enlighten her.

As for the comments of that boy's mother I think she's as much at fault as your DD. Where is she from that she thinks if she's losing an argument she has to raise her fists?

[avenanap]

I would try the book before looking at boarding schools, it is a good idea as it takes her away from the bad influences but I think that other ways of changing her behaviour should be tried first.

[soopermum1]

i feel so sorry for you and your DD, this sounds like a horrendous situation.

the book sounds good, could you maybe take her away for a few days and assert your influence over her. she will be getting to an age where you will be the biggest role model for her, but it sounds like you are hidden behind the dominant forces of DH and particularly MIL. maybe even have an allocated day at the weekend where it's just you and her, e.g going for a bike ride or something, so she has the opportunity to talk to you about friends, how she feels when people shun her or are rude back. it will not have escaped her and you will probably have to dig away behind the bravado.

you could ask her if she genuinely thinks pouring drinks over someone's food is a nice thing to do, will it make her popular? how would she feel if someone did that to her etc then teach her that she is old enough, clever enough to make her own choices about good and bad things to do and not always do what MIL does.

are your parents around to help? do you have sisters or friends who could help you out?

[Alfreda]

You need a showdown with MiL who is the real problem here. She is robbing you of a lovely daughter, and robbing your daughter of a lovely life.
You have the ability to stop this, and as her mother it's your responsibility to do so. Go to it.
Obviously you have to accept that your marriage will then come under fire. It will take courage.

Can only agree with the others re the piercing, I'd have had MiL done for common assault on a minor as she was not in a position of parental responsibility.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

Can you work part time hours? Then YOU can pick your daughter up, and she won't need the contact with her MIL.

[nametaken]

lot of good advice already given re; the book, reducing your work hours and boarding school.

Honestly, your MIL sounds toxic. You've allowed all this to go on for long enough and now it has to stop. It won't be easy coz you're up against 3 of them but make it your project, you know, something you set out to achieve and suceed at. Clear the decks of all unnecessary work and get to it.
If you leave it much longer, it will be too late.

I'd have rung the police if my MIL did that to my kid. (ear piercing)

Good luck