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Relationships

dh stuff

9 replies

Alfreda · 23/06/2008 21:20

My turn, laydeez...

Looking for support/advice possibly. I said the Unforgiveable Thing to dh yesterday, and it might be the beginning of the end.
Background: married 13 years, two dc 10 and 8, dh gave up career to be full time carer when ds was born. Sensible financial decision, I can earn considerably more than he can career-wise, he can work from home I can't. Except he never really did. He has abusive/difficult childhood and never wanted anyone else looking after the kids: fair enough. He has felt trapped by being unable to get job cos of kids, we live in the sticks so it's difficult for him to find work. He's now doing P/T MA. I work maybe 60h a week, would cut it and could but we can't live on less: I have budgeted and tried, no success yet.
Yesterday the old argument started again, he wanted me to stay home if ds ws not well enough for school as he had meeting (ds tummy bug, better today as it happens) and I started to say it would be difficult...then the tirade started about how he always has to be the one who makes the sacrifices, my job always comes first etc etc and I was tired and fed up and heve heard this and bitten my tongue so many times, so I replied that he should get a fcking job and earn some fcking money then, and I can be at home more. He hasn't engaged with me since, packed and unpacked a bag so for now has clearly decided to stay, is being spookily polite but cold. I tried to talk to him last night after dcs in bed, explained that he was hurting me so I said the most hurtful thing I could back, and he told me to leave him alone cos he didn't want to talk. In past times when we have a bust-up he does this passive-aggressive thing of not talking until I crack and start to apolgise for things not my fault just to get him to talk again, and it doesn't resolve the underlying issues. I can't really do shouting and conflict myself: had a shouty Dad too.

Just not sure how to play it, would so love to persuade him to sit down and accept there may be faults on both sides and let's talk sensibly about the situation we're in, but can't sem to get it to happen.

Bleurgh...

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beeny · 23/06/2008 21:24

I feel sorry for you ,i think you are under a lot of pressure and told him how it is.

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Dior · 23/06/2008 21:29

Message withdrawn

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HappyWoman · 23/06/2008 21:36

So sorry you are having this - i am stay at home mum and i too find it hard and feel that dhs job is more important than family at times.
I have had the 'go and get a job' thrown at me too and it really hurts epecially when logically it is not possible.
Yes people do manage to have careers and children but if one partner takes the main breadwinner role then the other 'has to ' always have dcs interests first imo.

Could you not just say sorry and try and fid another way around it?
It is horrid feeling trapped but if you are at work i bet he feels he has to always be there for the children. i know i do, i could never fully commit to a job and would automatically take time off if one was sick ect, and you know what it makes the things i do seem so insignificat if dh will not support me.
Your job is not more important than his meeting, or at least it should not feel like that for either of you.

Good luck anyway

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Alfreda · 23/06/2008 21:37

There's always more to it, and this is complex.
Well yes, the big hurt for him is that ds is being bullied at school, confided in me and begged me not to tell dh as ds was vulnerable and wanted to vent but to try to sort things himself and not have dh going up the school as he undoubtedly would, and I did not break ds's confidence but tried to persuade him to let me tell dh, and it took two weeks before I was allowed to go to dh with it. Dh is the main carer, it's his raison d'etre and he was left out of the loop, and that was the real reason he went for me. I understand his hurt totally, I knew this would be a biggie.
But it wasn't what he said in the argument, and I replied to what he said about me and my poncy job.

The bullying is now on the way to being sorted now dh is in the loop, FWIW. And I am relieved about that.

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Dior · 23/06/2008 21:40

Message withdrawn

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Alfreda · 23/06/2008 21:47

Yup, giving space at the moment. I have apologised and will again, but I keep thinking it's not bloody fair. Happywoman I am aware of the issues but I have never in 10 years said the unforgiveable thing despite regular goading. I too am trapped, Mummy guilt can be fierce, I have been badly burned out by my job at times and had to pick myself up and carry on. It is hard for us both and I agree that most couples probably have this stuff to some degree, but only one of us is allowed to express it.

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prettyfly1 · 23/06/2008 22:42

but then at the same time if the roles were reversed and you came on here and said your dh said the unforgivable to you (which its not by the way - its harsh but true) we would flame him for daring to critisise the contribution you make in the home. If he worked full time you would pay a fortune in child care etc and the person who stays at home often contributes just as much as the person who works full time.

That said Mummy guilt is sxxt - i work full time and i miss my son desperately - i have to send him to nursery full time but at the same time i am proud of my career and wouldnt like to give it up however i wouldnt like to be critisced either way. I think you both have an apology to make to one another to be honest.

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Alfreda · 23/06/2008 22:56

Agreed. But I won't get an apology, though I always make one. Guess I'm just a bit strung out with never being able to let rip or complain. Want to lie on the floor and drum my heels.

That apart, it seems that nothing I can say at the moment will make any difference. I find it hard to believe that anything said, no matter how unforgiveable it seems, would be truly unforgiveable if apologised for and talked about. And yet this is what I ma bieng made to feel. No retraction, no going back?

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Alfreda · 24/06/2008 10:30

Thanks for input, folks. It seems we have the shaky marriage-wagon back on the road.

Bloody dh gave up smoking on Sunday. I should have guessed.

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