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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

need advice about dh and our marriage

19 replies

susiewoos · 22/06/2008 19:40

for some time now i have been feeling very unhappy with my dh. He will sit in the chair not doing anything all day while i rush around all the time doing chores etc.
I know he works hards but I do to and I am getting more and more wound up by this. Some days he barely talks to me and sits there giving me dirty looks and being a total arse. The only time he bathes or showers is when he thinks sex is on the menu, his personal hygiene is poor to say the least, he rarely brushes his teeth and he wonders why i dont want to kiss him. I feel that he is taking me from granted, I have just spent the last two days ill and he is sulking,probably because he knows he wont get any sex! I am getting so fed up with him and am starting to wonder if I can continue with this marriage as its making me upset and I wonder if i still love him . Please give me some advice to try and help me put things into perspective

OP posts:

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LucyJones · 22/06/2008 19:41

Has he always had hygiene issues?
If not it could be that he is depressed...

susiewoos · 22/06/2008 19:43

some of it is laziness to me, he would rather watch telly than spend time in the bathroom, he thinks a quick spray of deodarant will stop the pongs, a bit like a teenage boy

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poppy34 · 22/06/2008 19:44

erm not much to add but if he doesn't give much thought to himself why should you? Do you have much other time together to chat, do stuff or is it just a matter of you being v.busy at work/home and him sulking/expecting sex?

littlewoman · 22/06/2008 19:47

You've been ill and he's sulking? What's in this relationship for you, Susiewoos? Seriously? And I would go and ask him what he thinks there is in it for you too, and if he can't think of one good reason you might want to stay, he should start generating some good reasons, before you take a hike. If he's not 'getting enough sex' this is partly to do with him and his behaviour. He needs to look to himself too, not just blame you. Counselling?

WingsofaAngel · 22/06/2008 19:47

Do your problems stem from poor hygiene or is there other things.

littlewoman · 22/06/2008 19:48

Does sound a bit depressed, but sulking is not proactive. Things need to change positively. Sulking is fultile.

susiewoos · 22/06/2008 19:50

i seem to worry more about him than he does himself. things like making sure he is presentable for work, he cant even be bothered to make sure his work clothes are ironed and he is a business manager in a restaurant. he seems to think i will do it all for him, after being sick for the last couple of days came down this morining to find the house looking like and tip and a sink full of washing up, totally fed up at the moment with the whole situation.

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OverMyDeadBody · 22/06/2008 19:52

Do you love him? Properly tuely love him? and does he you?

Have you told him his poor personal hygiene is affecting how you feel about him?

You only have one life. If you don't want to spent it with this slob you can leave you know.

He doesn't sound like he has much respect or love for you imo.

OverMyDeadBody · 22/06/2008 19:53

oh I see, he's found himself a serrogate mummy. Sounds like passive dependant personality disorder to me.

OverMyDeadBody · 22/06/2008 19:54

Well, if you do do it all for him then you can hardly blame him for thinking you will do it all for him can you? You need to stop mummying him and let him get on with looking after himslef. It's his problem if he's not presentable for work, not yours.

Twelvelegs · 22/06/2008 19:55

I think he sounds depressed. Must be very infuriating for you though.

susiewoos · 22/06/2008 19:55

this is why i am trying to get other peoples perspectives , to try and sort out my feelings we have been together 14 years and have two ds and i dont want them to suffer because of us

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OverMyDeadBody · 22/06/2008 20:00

has he always been like this or is it recent?

and please stop mummying him, you are not responsible for him.

Would it help if I tell you I think love is an action, not a feeling, is he doing stuff for you?

hatwoman · 22/06/2008 20:00

have you talked to him? the situation sounds pretty bad - and the reasons could be plenty (including depression, downright self-ishness, laziness, total lack of awareness etc etc) but 2 things are certain - 1. something needs to change. 2. nothing will change unless you talk to him. take a deep breath, choose your moment, tell him how you feel, as calmly and, tbh, as nicely, as you can (though you have plenty of grounds for launching a full-on offensive it won;t be productive); give him time and space to respond.

WingsofaAngel · 22/06/2008 20:07

How long has he been like this ?
You need to sit don and talk. Tell him how you are feeling and give him a chance to talk about his feelings.
Has communication been good in the past.
Do he think he doesn't have to try anymore.

How is his job does he still enjoy it.

Eve34 · 22/06/2008 20:46

SW - so sorry you are going through this, only you know if things have changed, or that you have just been happy to be the do-er of the relationship. My x husband was much the same, went to work watched TV for 6 hours drank slept and repeat.

He never did a thing, no matter how much I asked, shouted etc. He did just want a replacement house keeper.

He too went through a phase of not washing wtc, ge would wear the same clothes til I took them for washing.

I left, thinking things would change, in the 6 weeks I stayed away he lived in a hole. I knew you wasn't going to change and I stayed away.

Take time to talk to him, you have the children to think about, but you and the children deserve much better.

Elasticwoman · 22/06/2008 21:47

How about sharing a bath or shower with him?

I don't know how you can get him to clean his teeth though.

Lack of attention to personal hygiene can be a sympton of mental illness. Or just laziness of course.

susiewoos · 23/06/2008 11:49

had a chat with him last night and he has agreed to see the doctor and that he needs to talk to me more, I would rather he talks to me about his worries rather than just bottle things up and sit in the chair as this just makes things worse for all of us.
i explained to him as calmly as possible that things need to change and told him how unhappy i am. I just really hope this is a way forward for us as we cant go on like this.

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hatwoman · 23/06/2008 13:16

well done! sounds like you've made a really productive first step. make sure things continue to move. could you arrange dinner out together to get you talking more? or, if not, a tv-free evening and dinner in - arrange it though, on a night that's good for you both, don;t spring it on him.

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