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Relationships

how to support an alcoholic

21 replies

dazedandconfused · 22/06/2008 18:46

I've posted here before about my close friend who's battling with alcoholism.

She has two kids (4 and 1) and is now on high levels of antidepressants, has been referred for alcohol counslling and psychiatric help, and is regularly attending AA meetings.

She seems to have been doing well over the past few weeks, but on Thursday came round for lunch with the kids and drank a bottle of vodka in the toilet. She went to bed and slept it off enough to go home with the kids. She was very upset, full of remorse, and promised me she was okay to go home and would put the children to bed and go to bed herself. I rang her later that night and she seemed okay. The next morning she phoned me in tears to say she'd bought another bottle of vodka on the way home but hadn't drunk it all. It turned out the childminder had had to come round and stay the night since her husband was away, and she had rung her family in distress (who called the childminder).

On Friday she seemed sure she had to start afresh, but we went to the cinema last night (Sat) and the moment I met her I could smell she'd been drinking, altho she was behaving normally. After the film she went to the toilet and came out slurring her words. I didn't say anything about it, partly because I was pissed off with having spent all that time talking on Friday and then she was just doing it again.

I always try to take a gentle approach with her because I know her self-esteem is rock bottom and she's very lonely. Her husband is away a lot with work, and their relationship has taken a battering from her drinking. However, I'm wondering whether it would be more helpful if I was tougher with her. I hate confrontation but I'm so worried that it's a disaster waiting to happen with the kids (and with her health).

Can anyone offer me advice on what to do? She's asked me to go out with her on Friday to a gig she's been looking forward to for months, but I'm worried that she'll have a drink (or a bottle). I'm starting to wonder if there is a resolution because it's been going on so long.

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sandyballs · 22/06/2008 18:54

How sad, it's a difficult situation for you to be in and I'm not sure what advice I can give really,having not experience this. maybe a tougher line would work but if you're not naturally that type then very hard. She is putting her kids at risk so something needs to be done.

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colditz · 22/06/2008 18:56

She is seriously putting her children at risk - saying that, her husband should be doing a vanishing act and leaving his children with an alcoholic.

Could you ring him and tell him what is going on?

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dazedandconfused · 22/06/2008 19:05

Her husband is a friend as well so we have spoken about this a few times in the past. However, I'm conscious that he has given her a few ultimatums, and I'm worried that if I go to him he'll use what I say as a reason to throw her out.

I would feel terrible going behind her back but maybe that's what I should do. I'd thought that maybe if I was honest with her, it would be a way to keep her directly involved ... arghh - it's such a difficult situation. I usually feel quite resourceful but this is such a tough one.

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2childrenandit · 22/06/2008 19:05

Will watch this thread with interest as we have a similar but different sutuation going on on our family. Both my parents have cousis who are alcoholics - quite far progressed, both with young(ish) families, broken relationships etc. They both ended up in hospital at the same time, liver failure, fluid retention, body packing up. One of them listened to the drs, realised this was 'it' did what was advised, accepted help, ate 'real' food, accepted she was ill and has gone on to make real progress. The other hasnt accepted his illness (at least not to himself he'll say what he thinks others want him to bu it doesnt go in) wont eat properly, has reducedhis drinking but not managed to wean himself off it, despite weeks in hospital when he had to go without. Obvioulsy we want to support them both, but think the first step is them wanting help and being willing to accept this, and in order to do this they have to accept that they are ill, and dependent on the drink to function. Know these 2 were tying to escape, but actually shouting out (in their own way) for the love and attention they dont have. Its really hard, to see someone you care about doing this to themselves and there seems to be very little you can do to help - however both cousins self esteem was really low, so making them feel valued and nescesary helped a bit, keeping them busy too..... Will be interested to see what other replies are posted, as even accepting treatment or hel is only the first step of a journey which will have to last for the rest of her life.

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TheProvincialLady · 22/06/2008 19:06

There is an organisation called Al-Anon that supports family and friends of alcoholics. You might find it useful to contact them.

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Tess321 · 22/06/2008 19:44

My view is there is nothing you can do to help her. Being tough wont help, being gentle wont help. If you want to go to the gig with her then go...but get your head around the fact that she'll drink while she's there. It's pointless making comment on it.

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Dior · 22/06/2008 19:53

Message withdrawn

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Tess321 · 22/06/2008 20:00

I agree with Dior, there's feck all you can do for her. You can't trust an alcoholic IMO and you can't help them. If it makes you feel better to 'support' her then go right ahead but she'll hurt you in the end

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bignutbrownhare · 22/06/2008 21:11

She's not so much 'battling' with alcoholism as fully embracing it, a bottle of vodka in the toilet at luchtime, ffs? You sound like you spend a lot of time with her and you say she's a close friend, but what you're doing is enabling her to indulge her addiction (for example, she knows she can bring her dcs to yours and you'll look after them, so they'll be safe). She seems to be getting all the professional help she needs to beat her addiction, but has fallen off the wagon. I don't think you could or should deal with this on your own. Could you contact the professionals who are treating her?

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girlnextdoor · 22/06/2008 21:13

I once worked in a professional capacity with a client whose husband had addiction problems- she was advised by a support group for carers/partners, that unless the person themselves wants to change THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO- and to leave well alone. They might have to reach rock bottom before they can be helped. It won't be easy for you, but she is an adult and she has to make her own choices.

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clumsymum · 22/06/2008 21:32

My father was alcoholic. My mother struggled with him for many years, trying to help, trying to suport. All that does is prop them up, giving them help to go on drinking.

You can't be supportive, you can't be understanding. Your friend has to hit absolute rock bottom, she has to see that she has no way to resolve this except by being dry.

If her husband throwing her out will achieve this, then that is the only way to go, and he DOES need to know what happened at your house, partly because HE needs to take responsibility for their children (poor little souls).

If you let her come to your house, you are giving her cover, opportunity to drink. It isn't your intention, but you are.

AA etc won't help her one bit if she isn't resolved to do it.
If she is shutting herself in the loo to down a bottle of Vodka, she needs serious residential help. She may need to be signed in for that by her dh (better than just slinging her out). Mind you, she has to agree, she can sign herself out anytime, getting someone sectioned in this scenario is impossible.

In your shoes, I wouldn't go with to the gig, nor across the road. In fact I would refuse to go anywhere with her except tgo clinics, hospital or AA if she needs support.

And you must talk to her husband. HE needs support, and he needs to look at being at home or a while, for the kids if nothing else. By covering up for your friend, you are NOT helping.

I'm sorry, this sounds hard-hearted and lacking in compassion. Trust me compassion doesn't help a person in this stage of alcoholism.
When she's actually really STOPPED, that's the time to show kindness and support. But not now.

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dazedandconfused · 22/06/2008 21:49

It seemed as though showing kindness was working, because she had three weeks of not drinking. I'm wondering now if that was actually true though. I've suggested to both her and her husband that she should go to residential care, and found a place near where we live.

She pleaded with him not to make her go, and they agreed on the compromise of her going to her family for the week instead, while he looked after the kids. She was dry whilst there but had a binge as soon as she was back.

I realise I'm not helping if she's able to drink at my house. I don't think I have been covering up for her, but I can see now that she knows I will look after her children at my house. I wouldn't have invited her over if I'd known what was going to happen. I didn't realise how serious it was - since she's been getting all this additional help and attending AA, it seemed as though she'd turned a corner.

I think I will talk to her husband about the Friday thing.

Thanks for the advice.

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SalVolatile · 22/06/2008 22:02

I agree with EVERY single word clumsymum has said. To see my story search for my name under relationships to see how far down an alcoholic can go when helped/propped by those that care for them (and she's sunk even further now but thats a ahole new ghasty thread I can't be bothered to write ). Dazed - the reason she didn't want to go into rehab is because she DOESN'T want to stop - WHATEVER she says. That's the bottom line. I know, I've been there. Going without for three weeks is just managing the binges, and my sister used to be able to do that too. It gets worse. And worse. And worse. She will lose her DH. She will lose her home. She will lose her dcs. She will STILL be addicted and she will STILL drink. Only she can find out what it will take for her to stop. I agree, don't go to the gig, and say why. You are going to get hurt, angry and exhauseted if you stay involved, and you will be doing nothing more than enabling her to avoid facing up to the consequences of her addiction, and she has to do that one day, however long it takes. If you get in the way it will just take longer.

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SalVolatile · 22/06/2008 22:05

Sorry, the thread re my sister is under AIBU earlier this year, sorry I can't do links. Please read it because it might help, and there was some good advice on there for me.

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dittany · 22/06/2008 22:06

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girlnextdoor · 22/06/2008 22:08

It's also what I said, but no-one has credited me for it lol!

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dittany · 22/06/2008 22:09

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girlnextdoor · 22/06/2008 22:13
Smile
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SalVolatile · 23/06/2008 21:25

Sorry girlnextdoor - didn't mean to ignore you either...just that clumsymum said it in the exact same way I feel so it was like someone speaking for me iyswim; anyway sorry, glad you agree too.

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dazedandconfused · 24/06/2008 14:03

Thanks for the advice. It makes for pretty depressing reading what others have gone through. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it.

I had a long conversation with my friend yesterday and told her how I was feeling. I feel much better that she now knows I'm not going to do any covering up for her, and that I don't want to do any activities which might make her more vulnerable to drinking. When I saw her yesterday I could tell she was sober, so at least that's a positive sign.

I don't know what lies ahead but it's very helpful to know what my approach is - I just can't bear for her children that it is going to have such an impact on their lives.

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anothermum92 · 25/06/2008 19:51

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