My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

i feel really sad for my little boy and i dunno what to do anymore

11 replies

dunnowhattodobest · 22/06/2008 08:33

i am having a complete nightmare and don't know what to do anymore with regards to my marriage.i am trying so hard to be supportive and loving to a man who constantly is insecure, and i just dunno if i can do it anymore. i have a stepson who is 8 and on fri he said he did noy want to come and so my husband blamed me and said it's because i am too strict etc etc. its just one thing in a long line of stuff of being told i do everything wrong. last night we were looking at where to move to and stepson is now her and my lo 2.8 kept giving toys to husband and he kept telling him no but lo did'nt listen to which husband turned around and said to me and said if you would spend half as much time telling lo off as much as you do to the one who doesn't live here we would not have half these problems. this from the idiot who half an hour earlier stopped me from carrying out punishment on lo for biting me cos he did'nt like to see him cry[i put his toy cat outside until he said he was sorry] he then said they would cope on their own . now my problem is this every time something does not go his way he says he wants to be on his own etc and gets quite nasty verbally to which all ends in tears .i am seriousl considering leaving but if i do i will have to move to the orknies near my mom and da dwhich means my lo will not see his dad and brother except once a year but how will this affect my lo

OP posts:
Report
ssd · 22/06/2008 08:44

dunno, what a dilemma.

really don't know what advice to give you for the best, but wanted to reply so you know you're getting some support

hope someone comes along soon with some good advice!

Report
ssd · 22/06/2008 09:08

come on, is there no one else out there?

Report
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/06/2008 09:13

If you leave, why do you have to move so far away? I mean, do you want to, or just feel like you won't cope without being near your parents?

I think you need to tell him that you are very unhappy with the way your relationship is going and that you want to start relationship counselling to try to save the relationship. If he thinks you are serious about this he may see that he needs to do this for your relationship.

xx

Report
Carmenere · 22/06/2008 09:14

Well there is always the possibility that you do perhaps treat your dss a bit stricter than your ds? If that is at all true, it is not fair and it is hurtful to your dh. If that is the case, and it is worth thinking carefully about, you perhaps could agree to trying to change that behaviour. It is a bit sad that the little fellow didn't want to come to visit.

Report
detoxdiva · 22/06/2008 09:15

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way

Does dh know how unhappy you are? Do you ever have the opportunity to talk with no dc's around?

Report
dunnowhattodobest · 22/06/2008 17:47

no ia no stricter to ss than i am to my lo to which when my husband actually has not got red mist in his front of his eyes he says he knows that i am the best stepmom he could have ever wished for as does ss mom , the reason that ss did not want to come the other day is cos his mom is due a baby anyday and did not want to miss seeing the baby! however since this morning i have spoken to husband and told him that i really cannot take anymore of his nastiness and that it is starting to affect lo cos he has started saying to my husband that he is nasty he makes mama cry i never bad mouth his dad but obviously he is there when husband is having a go.i have told him truthfully i do love him but at the minute i am seriously only staying put because i can't bear to part my lo from his dad and stepbrother and that he has really realy got to change. it's like he blames me for whatever goes wrong ifyswim but then escalates to real nastiness on his part

OP posts:
Report
Doodle2U · 22/06/2008 17:54

How did he respond when you told him you only stayed for your baby's sake - did he seemed shocked/remorseful/etc? Did he realise you were pissed off enough to go?

Report
missingtheaction · 22/06/2008 18:03

Insecure men are horribly difficult to live with and deal with. There is a tendency for them to live self-fulfilling propesies - as he is with you. He cannot bear to be at fault because it makes him feel insecure and useless, so he blames you and is horrid to you, so you end up hating him and leave him, which proves to him that he was right to be insecure and is not just a paranoid git.

And we tend to pander to them - we understand that they are horrible to us because they are insecure and troubled, so we let them get away with it, then we hate them and leave them.

You have a choice. Have a huge hissy fit, tell him his BEHAVIOUR (be specific) is driving a wedge between you (not that HE is driving a wedge between you) and that as soon as he stops you will all be a lot happier. Tell him exactly what you want him to do (present it as 'I would like you to do this' and not just 'stop doing that'). Expect a huge row so do it when LO is in bed asleep.
OR carry on as you are, get resentful, and end up a lone mum in the Orkneys.

Report
dunnowhattodobest · 22/06/2008 18:05

well iam a bit embarrased to say in my despair/anger i took my wedding ring off and said i will not wear it until there have been some changes. i dunno we have had low points before but never this bad or this bad that i have seriously considered leaving so i hope we can work it out. as i said i do truly love him but i really don't want HIS behaviour to affect my lo i think maybe the thing that will push him was that my lo said he was nasty

OP posts:
Report
Kally · 22/06/2008 18:33

First of all perhaps you shouldn't be 'fighting' infront of your lttle one. You both seems to vent a lot of heated up emotions around the children. This creates a lot of insecurities for everybody. You really should try to be a little bit more considerate about how little onlookers interpret what is going on. Sorry to say this... but thats the first thing that came to mind.

Report
dunnowhattodobest · 22/06/2008 18:54

kally apprecite the input [ i think] i try not 'fight' in front of either of the kids but at the end of the day i am only human and so sometimes it does happen also it has to be said we really do not have anyone nearby ever look after lo hence why i would return to orkney my husband italian and my nearest closest freind over an hour away yes there are odd people i can say hello to at playgroups and have met up with butnot freindly enough to leave ds ifyswim so sometimes it is impossible to wait until lo in bed when you are being told you are this or that and you know damn well that this is all wrong.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.