So Sad... Does DP stll love me? Can we have a future together?

[fruittrifle]

DP and I bought a house together 18 months ago. Since then he initiates an argument every 32 months about my inadequacies in housekeeping. Often with threats from him to break up. I am not very tidy but it is not all fair either. He does housework in fits and starts eg would prioritise cutting grass over doing dishes. DP off work right now due to stress, one factor in putting TTC on hold. GP has offered treatment, he refuses.

We argued again today. I told him I wondered what the real problem was, was he just dissastisfied with life, with me, didn't love me enough? He just said it was lots of things, maybe we shouldn't be together, he doesn't want to hurt me and then started crying. So we hugged for a bit and I left him to think. Talked later with more crying on both sides (lots from me!). He says that he loves me but doesn't think he can live with me. Then later he said he was bored. Our life is pretty boring and we don't have much sex these days - I thought because he was stressed. He says I don't try. I told him I lack confidence (true). I also asked him if he finds me attractive. His answer: sometimes Well its true that i have let things go a bit in my clothes and grooming but I suppose I felt that he saw beyond that. We have been together 6 years. Maybe I forgot to make an effort. Or maybe he's being unreasonable. I don't know.
Anyway we had sex then quite a good session I thought but who knows now????

I don't want to lose this man I love. I want him to love me. Maybe it is too late. I don't want a future of simmering tensions and I don't want to beg - is there some way to resolve this. So sad right now.

Had to spend tonight being cheery at a works do ugh.

Sorry so long!!

[goodasgold]

Get selfish, make yourself as attractive as you can and start having fun.

[MuthaHubbard]

You can't make someone love you unfortunately.

But you can do as goodas says, do things for yourself to make YOU feel good. Get a bit selfish, get your hair done, a few nice clothes etc. But do it for you.

Could he be a bit depressed as well as stressed? Maybe it would also be worth trying to persuade him to go back to GP for further help.

Is it possible for you both to but TTC totally out of the equation for now?

[MuthaHubbard]

*put

[Hassled]

As much as you want to support him through his stress etc, I do think it's time for you to be a bit selfish and work on getting your confidence up. Start having a bit of fun on your own - get some outside interests if you can.
And tbh if he's threatening to break up over your housework skills I'm not surprised your confidence has been affected - that's just not fair or right. And re grooming etc - has he remembered to make an effort?

[micci25]

i fell out of love with my dp (still dont love him as much i used to if i am honest) but i do notice him morev when he makes an effort to be nice.

do you tell him that you still fancy him? and dp never fails to impress me when he does housework. you have already confessed that you are not tidy, niether i am really, but it drives me nuts and makes me feel like dp is really taking the piss and only with me coz i am willing to clean up after him! if your dp feels like he has to do most of the work maybe he resents you this way?

housework is boring and if your not one of those who is inclined to do it can be v difficult but if you think that he does most of it and you do do very little then you should make more of an effort. even if it is just one thing a day, am sure it will be appreciated by your dp!

also agree with others said you need to get your self confidence back! arrange a girls night get your hair done, a nice long soak in the bath with loads of pamper treats i.e. face masks. body scrubs. slap on some fake tan. get your mates to come round and do your make up and put on a new outfit! your dp will notice you more if you seem happier and more confident!

make time to treat yourself this way (doesnt always have to be before a night out) at least once a week and yu will find you naturally start making more of an effort as you will feel nicer and better about yourself.

[Anna8888]

If the house is a mess and you have let yourself go a bit in clothes and grooming... then start prioritising those things and get back on track.

Having a comfortable, clean, tidy home and looking attractive really matter to a lot of men. And that's perfectly OK.

[cluelessnchaos]

There is hope for you, dh went through a bad patch a couple of years ago, after the birth of our 3rd dc. He was stressed at work and frustrated at home, and generally felt the world had it in for him, I tried to help him but got to the point that i realised it wasnt me it was him, I told him I would be there for him adn if he needed something from me I wasnt going to try and guess anymore he would have to tell me.

I like you am untidy, I try my best and slog constantly to get stuff done, and my dh will also cut grass/hedge wash car over boring menial housework, mainly because the stuff in the house is so huge he could barely make a difference, whereas the jobs he does he can complete, feel like he has accomplished something. I dont think that is a bad thing anymore, but he doesnt get to complain at me is his shirt isnt ironed. I cant give you too much advice, we just made the decision to stick at it, your story just sounded a lot like mine. The one thing we did do was go away alone together, I think we were on the right track by that point but it really helped and I felt like a new woman.

Good luck.

[TheProvincialLady]

Sort out the practical things. Agree who does what re housekeeping, make a regular plan and stick to it (both of you). Put some effort into your physical appearance. Take care of yourself for both your sakes - it is not respectful to yourself or your partner to let yourself go with grooming. Put some effort into making sure you have sex reasonably often.

But you can't make him love you, so if this doesn't work, and assuming he is not depressed, there is not a lot else you can do. Definitely don't TTC until you are absolutely sure in your relationship.

[micci25]

oh and a tip re the hosework, get yourself an mp3 player or ipod or phone with mp3 player facility download a few of your fave tunes and turn those headphones up loud when cleaning!

makes it feel less like work! i never do anything with out my mp3 player phone! i hate cleaning at times and do nothing but at other times! yesterday i bleached the whole kitchen, cleaned the fridge and the oven and didnt even notice how long id been working as was happy listening to my tunes!

one more coffee quick hoover and im getting my phone back out to do the ironing with!!

[fruittrifle]

Don't worry everyone def no TTC right now. Not til relationship feels very strong which sadly it doesn't right now.

Things improved today in that he was asking me to forgive him for yesterday, saying he really wants us to be together, it was not about our relationship. He wants lots of cuddles but I am trying to preserve my sanity here too. Yes, he is depressed but he has refused antidepressants and counselling, thinks he can solve it himself and by talking to me Obviously I can't force him down one route but I have told him I think he needs outside help and that I think the counsellor or medication could be helpful and he should speak to GP again.

Frustratingly I do do housework, I do most of the mundane stuff, getting DP to recognise this is a hard slog. But I need a more organised approach for my own part so will try all these tips.

I have told him I don't want to stay together for wrong reasons i.e. he doesn't wnat to upset me, financial bits etc. I want to be really loved and appreciated. DP says he does feel that but I have asked him to spend more time on it. Am going on holiday with a single friend for a week. Not to do anything naughty or to give him the impression that I am, just to give us both some space, have fun and to spend time with my friend. Shopping is on the agenda.

Cluelessnchaos what you said really rang true for me and gave me some optimism. Thanks everyone.

[trulymadlydeeply]

My dh did this when he was off work with stress for several months. He told me he didn't want me any more, that he was fed up of the responsibility, that he wanted his freedom ...

8 years on we are happier than we've ever been. At the time, I rang my best friend in tears and she told me that I needed to take control and that he couldn't even see what he really wanted because of the stress. I think she was right. But it took over 2 years of ADs for him, counselling for him and a few sessions of Relate for us, to get back on track.

If your dh is depressed then he might not be able to make rational decisions. He might not actually know what he wants. Quite possibly he can't see beyond his own misery.

I hope you get through this, if that's what you want, but you'll need to be very, very strong and determined, and just take control of the family and move forward, step by step ...

Thinking of you,

xxx

[fruittrifle]

Thanks Truly

This is what it sounds like. I told him yesterday that I felt like he was just looking for things to change to deal with his depression and stress. He did seem to recognise this. I think all our energies have been poured into nurturing him and not us and our life - not healthy. In some ways maybe I have taken decision-making away from him.

Thnaks for your thoughts and kind words, they are really heartening.

[JacobsPrincess]

I put up a list of household jobs on our notice board and cross them off as I go. It makes DH appreciate what I've done for him today. "Look what I've done today, darling!"
If the list is a bit short, or not much crossed off, CHEAT and add some extras to cross off straight away!!
Hope you guys sort out your problems. There is nothing shameful in using drugs to aid deression or stress disorders.