It's been nearly 10 years and I still miss him every single bloody day

[SadCow]

I'm not expecting anyone to have any wise words for me. Or even to have sympathy, as I know how pathetic I am. Just feeling a bit lonely today and want to get it down, anonymous-like. At least, I hope it's anonymous!

I am still so ridiculously hung-up on an old relationship. It's been the best part of a decade since we split. It was my decision (cold feet, long story). Almost everything about my life is different now to what it was then. He, as far as I know, is happily settled; in fact I think he's married. I will probably never lay eyes on him again.

There is no rational reason for feeling this way. I know I should be getting on with my life, and to the outside world, I have. I am in charge of my life, I have goals and responsibilities and am a together person who is strong and capable. And yet... inside I am in exactly the same place I was all those years ago. I still feel utterly lost. I still dream about him - regularly, weekly, fgs. There are still places that I can hardly bear to go, songs I can't listen to, etc, without stirring up all these memories.

I feel completely pathetic. Why can't I get past this? I am starting to come to the conclusion that I am just going to be alone with stupid memories forever. I have done everything I can think of to let go of the past and I just can't. Am even beginning to think that maybe I need to to 'see someone' to talk about this, because it's not normal, is it? Am I mad, or just a sad case?

[SSSandy2]

Is he the father of your dc?

[BetteNoire]

Sorry that you're feeling sad.
Do you have a partner at the moment?

[SadCow]

No, he's not the father of my dcs. That is partly what makes it so pathetic. I am divorced, and have no partner atm. I know I subconsciously weigh every other man up against him and find 'em wanting .

[ladytophamhatt]

I've phoned 4 times now and each time there hasn't been anyone available to talk too.

I can't help thinking thats pretty crap concidering its such an important charity.

[ladytophamhatt]

sorry wrong thread....

[zookeeper]

I split up someone in 1993 and went on to have three dcs with dp. I was reasonably happy with dp but often felt exactly as you describe about the first relationship. I used to really envy people who seemed able to move on after their realtionships broke down and wonder what was wrong with me.

I finally had some counselling abuot it three years ago beasue I felt it was overwhelming me - just six session lasting 45 minutes. It helped enormously .

Looking back I was unhappy with dp (we have since separated) and was idealising the past I still have the odd moment where I find myself wishing that things had worked out differently but they are very rare.

I would definitely go for counselling.

good luck

[zookeeper]

what helped me in particular was that she put an empty chair in front of me and suggested that I imagine he was in it and to say exactly how I felt , to say what I wished I'd said years ago etc etc. I felt really silly initially but after a while I couldn't shut up and it seemed to help.

[zookeeper]

thank God this is anonymous

[SadCow]

That's encouraging, zookeeper. I do feel as if it's overwhelming sometimes. He's often the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think of in the morning. Ridiculous.

I actually really dislike this aspect of my own personality, which I suppose is not very healthy in itself. I feel as if I am stupid and weak for my inability to get past this. Not to mention self-indulgent

Do you mind if I ask how you found your counsellor?

[chocolatespiders]

have you tried to get in touch with him again to get some closure?

I would def reccomend counselling. i had it when i split with ex and to be honest i dont think i would have got through without it...

hope you start to feel better soon

[SadCow]

I wouldn't contact him now. We were 'friends' (haha, kidding ourselves really) for quite a while after we split but that all went a bit pear-shaped and he made it fairly clear he no longer wanted any contact with me. I made a big mess of our friendship, just as I did the relationship, basically!

Anyway, if he is married I would definitely not want to be stepping on anyone else's toes, iykwim.

I just want to get on with my life without being constantly dragged back down with unwanted, unnecessary memories.

[girlnextdoor]

Would it help to focus on why the relationship didn't work- and his faults?

I feel the same about someone I met over 30 years back- there is no answer- just live with the feelings.

If it hadn't ended badly, I would have suggested you contacted him too- just to get it off your chest- but that does not seem possible.

You might benefit from seeing a counsellor who knows about CBT as you need to be able to switch your thoughts and find distraction-type strategies so that you refuse to think about it too much.

[SadCow]

I will start looking around for a counsellor. Good to know it has worked for some! I just want to be rid of this - feels sad to even say that but it's got beyond a joke now.

Girlnextdoor - 30 years Wow. I hope you understand if I say I will be at my wit's end if I'm still feeling this way after that amount of time. What happened with you?

[Twelvelegs]

Whenever we're unhappily single I think we fix on a past relationship that was good. Perhaps you need to get under someone new, noone serious just enough to take your mind off!!

[girlnextdoor]

we were engaged in my late teens- we had a 2nd try 20 years later but we were both married and decided it would cause too much hurt to pursue it...........he's my soulmate.

[zookeeper]

Hi Sadcow I got my counsellor through my local GP

[Evensaddercow]

I am on 17 years and counting (hence the name change!). All I can say is that the times when I have thought about him the least have been when I was extremely busy and, most importantly of all, happy.

I met up with my ex last year. He had been abroad for many years and we had emailed now and then quite innocently. It was a big mistake - the feelings and attraction between us were as strong as ever and we are now trying very hard (and succeeding so far) to keep well away from one another. It's very, very hard.

I did have some counselling last year after seeing him as it really rocked me and the counsellor pretty much disregarded my tale of woe regarding him. She very much felt that he was a symptom and not the cause.

I hope you manage to find some good support, SC. I am hoping that one day I will magically forget my ex and I am focusing really hard on my DH and our issues. I hope that it helps to know that you are not alone in your 'madness'.

ESC

[mrsleroyjethrogibbs]

Oh I do feel for you. I really do. I know where you are coming from ahd I hope that councilling with help you lots

[confusedmamma]

This is selfish of me, but I am glad someone else feels this way too !! I also can't get my ex out of my mind and it consumes so many of my waking hours. We met up after many,many years apart. He's single and I'm separated. It worked for a short while and than all fell apart. I understand how you feel. I'm early forties and I feel no different to a teenager, like you I'm trying to stop myself but I find it really hard. You are definitely not alone.

[SadGit2021]

Okay, so I'm about to post to a 13 year old thread. I'm probably howling into the void, but it feels like it might be a therapeutic step :-)

So I'm not glad that this thread is about people being in pain, but it is a comfort that I'm not unique in experiencing the same pain.

I broke up with my first love about 30 years ago and have never really let go. Regrets about the break-up have been in my thoughts ever since, sometimes not for days at a time but at other times almost constantly.

At the time of writing this it's more or less a constant background buzz of loss and regret, because I think that our paths might have crossed, unknowingly, several weeks ago and its reactivated a lot of memories.

It's weird.

In terms of how I feel, it feels like I've lost my soulmate.

I terms of what I know, I know the relationship was doomed and she was right to end it. At the time I was descending into what became 13 years of alcoholism, and with hindsight I'm glad for her that she got out before we got into a co-dependenent relationship. I wasn't an abusive or violet drink, but I was definitely emotionally unavailable and it must have been very hurtful for her.

And so, 30 years later, I still miss her. Sometimes not for days, sometimes every few minutes. But when its bad it feels like we broke up just days ago. At it's worst it feels like the breakup is happening and I have a strong urge to run to her to save the relationship. Crazy!

I think there are unprocessed feelings I need to process to fully move on and I'm seeing a counsellor later this year.

If anyone on this thread is still on MumsNet and gets a notification I'd love to hear how you're getting on with your own losses...

[category12]

Do you think part of why you can't let go is because of how you describe it as you messing up the relationship, you messing up the friendship? so you feel like it's your fault and you could have done things differently, and basically blame yourself?

Maybe it's worth unpicking why you feel that way - it usually takes two people to fuck up a relationship, why are you taking on the whole responsibility?

[category12]

Oops, didn't see this was a zombie.

[SadGit2021]

Hi category12.

Not a zombie, I brought it back to life :-)

Were you talking to SadCow or SadGit though?

I'm SadGit!

[category12]

Well, I bloody hope the OP has moved on after a further 13 years.

[SadGit2021]

Amen to that, category12!