Scared that I'm being selfish and really damaging DS.

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

Have split with DP, trying to find somewhere to live, so we're still under the same roof although I spent a while at my mums to think things through.
I'm not worried about any aspect of it other than the effect it might have on DS, or is already having.
We're trying to be as civil as possible and much of the time we're still getting on great but I feel pretty stressed and have less patience than normal although I'm trying my best.
There have been a couple of incidents the last couple of days that I've found really, really upsetting and make me wonder whether I'm really hurting DS.
He ADORES Thomas so took him to Thomas Land, he cowered behind my legs or in his pram most of the day, all the noises scared him and he ust looked so unsure of everything.
This is not like him at all.
Then this morning at the park every time another kid went near him he'd get a big beaming smile and look all excited as normal but would stand stock still with his fingers in his ears and though he looked happy I could tell he was nervous in some way.
I had a pretty uncertain childhood so I always wanted to make sure DS felt secure and safe about everything, that he'd always be ok no matter what but I really thinking I'm messing him up.
I'm worried it'll just get worse when we move out.
I'm absolutely gutted and have been crying for hours. Ds is out with his dad. I just feel devestated that I'm hurting him.

Sorry if this is rambling. My eyes are so puffed up I can barely see. Don't know what I want anyone to say - I just wanted to get it out and cant speak to anyonne in RL as they think I shouldn't leave anyway.

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

Forgot to sat, DS is 2.3.

[cosima]

oh thats really sad. i feel for you. do you definately want to split with dp?

[policywonk]

Oh sweetie.

You can't make his life entirely rock-solid and fenced off from all upsets and strangeness - no-one can. He's a much-loved child from a good home (whether his parents are together or not); he will be FINE in the long run.

He's probably picking up on your emotionally heightened state - or, even, you might be projecting your own emotional uncertainty on to him a little?

I'll email you. xxx

[TheProvincialLady]

What were the incidents? Shouting type things?

[KatieScarlett2833]

My DS hated his 5th birthday party and refused to go near the giant Barney dinasour who was in attendance. Quite understood why he was freaked out. He's 11 now and totally fine.

Your DS will be fine too, please try and stop being so hard on yourself, what you are doing is for the best.

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

ProvincialLady - no, I meant the incidents where DS was scared and nervous of everything.
That's not to say I haven't been shouty. I'm afraid I have a bit, which is the last thing he needs, but honestly, I'm really trying to keep a lid on my own stress.

[policywonk]

God, you should have heard me yelling at mine over the last month - I'm sure most people in NE Surrey did. If I can use stress as an excuse, so can you.

Children can assimilate a bit of shouting and a bit of strangeness from time to time, so long as the bottom line (love) remains the same. (I know this sounds like justification, but it is also true, isn't it?)

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

Oh god, I hope so PW

Cosima - yes, I really do want to leave.

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh I see what you mean. If it helps, my DS can be like this at times without any stress or unusual circumstances in the house. Kids are strange!

[Alambil]

You're going through a really tough time - stop being so hard on yourself!

He will be fine; he knows he's still loved, even if you do shout a bit.

DS was 6 months when I left the abuser (my husband). Before we left, life was only being shouted at - him and me. It has left him with major issues over loud noises and at 5.5 he's just starting to let me take his hands out of his ears when things aren't really loud (for example, a car driving past or a fire engine). He is recovering, albeit slowly.

Your DS isn't going through that - your house may have raised voices from time to time but that's normal in most houses I rekon!

He will be FINE, even if he is a little unsure of what's going on at this moment in time. He will not have long term issues - trust me. If my DS can recover from shouting and raised voices from the time he was in the womb, until 6 months old; your DS will recover from a few weeks of infrequent (or even frequent) raised voices and stress.

[pagwatch]

Jeremy
you can't keep sad or bad things from happening around your children.
makingthis something you feel guilty about will burden him further because he will understand that on some level.

My DS1 is now 15. Lots of sad things have happened to him. He lost his grandfather. he lost a close friend. He watched his brother regress and had to come to terms with DS2 developing huge problems while he 'escaped'.

The fact that you and DH are having problems is not your fault. While we try to give our children the best enviroment and the best childhood possible there is a big difference between recognising that he is struggling and blaming yourself , and recognising he is struggling and helping him grow through it.
Interesting my DS1 is now old enough to be articulate about his childhood . When we talk about his distress about his brother he often tells me that DS2's regression was not the worst thing. My distress about it,on his behalf, was far worse.
Does that make sense ?
Guilt dosen't help. You need to understand that he will get through this in order to make him believe that he is safe and that you will all be alright.

[Desiderata]

Please don't cry, JV.

You know that your boy will be far, far better off with you two living apart, than together. It'll take just a short period of readjustment, during which he may, or may not, go through a wobbly period.

It won't last long, and it's not your fault, OK? When my parents split up, I was about the same age .. and within weeks, I couldn't imagine them both living under the same roof. I realized, in a childish, abstract way, that the atmosphere was a great deal more pleasant than it had been before.

You're brill .. so don't beat yourself up!

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

Oh lewisfan, how sad. Well done you for leaving. It must be heartbreaking to see the effect of your abusive ex on your son even now.
That helps me put things in context.

[windygalestoday]

soon when your life is settled and you are bac on n even keel all these scarey imges that a 2 yr old cant process will be pushed to the back of his mind and replaced with positive memories.

a lot of 2 year olds bcome frightened of inexplicable things my ds3 was petrified of bill....we dont know anybody called bill but if someone knocked on the door hed hide and say if its bill dont let him in- we think hed been around whilst a tv drama with a domestic abuser called bill was on now that memory is forgotten .

you really dont need this extra anxiety yourself with whats going on - you are doing great job nd hopefully soon you will be settled and your ds will move onto the next stage of his natural development.

[Alambil]

Just read my post back and it seems rather curt - I didn't mean it that way at all, sorry.

I just meant; kids are more resiliant than we assume. He is unsure of what's going on and is also at the stage of being "scared" of things anyway, which adds up to a little boy standing with his hands in his ears...

Have you considered reading some books about seperation (age specific) with him to "process" it? Amazon have a good selection

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

No, I hadn't thought about books at all. V. good idea, I'll have a look.

I'm feeling a bit better already, thank you all for your very wise words.

Going to have a nap as I'm over tired and don't think that's helping.

[Alambil]

I'll find a few links for you to peruse... sorry you're going through all this

[onebatmother]

Poor JV - don't cry.
I've just emailed you.

[Alambil]

2 homes £4.49

When My Parents Forget How To Be Friends £4.49

Big Book Of Families £4 ish - all about different types of families

[brightongirldownunder]

Sending you a big hug from down under JV
If it helps I had PN depression for the fist 8 months of DD's life and went from being totally gushing about her to ahving tantrums about nothing and arguing with DH about a multitude of things. DD seems fine and is now a fab outgoing toddler.
Sounds like you're hurting yourself more.

[BalloonSlayer]

A boss of mine a few years back came into work one Monday still pissed off from the weekend. He and his wife had taken their 2yo Thomas-mad DS to a Thomas Day at a railway.

They had driven miles/hours to get there and when they arrived their DS went absolutely berserk. He wouldn't go on the train, was completely distraught etc.

They had no idea what had caused it. We wondered whether it was the unexpected size of the trains that had freaked him out, or the idea of getting inside one (perhaps he thought it would be eating him).

Whatever his reason, it was something all to do with being 2 and NOT to do with any particular insecurity he was having.

Please don't worry. It sounds as if you are doing everything right to me.

[devonblue]

Second Balloonslayers opinion. Children go weird at this age - it's to do with understanding the world more I think. If he'd been like this and no issues at home you'd not worry unduly.
Separating is one big guilt trip and I think you are projecting far too much onto your child's behaviour.

[JeremyVileSponsoredByPembsLass]

OK - am feeling a bit better today.

I reread my post and it really looks like I over reacted. I've been so spookily calm about the whole thing I had to get hysterical at some point

I think those of you who suggested I may be projecting have probably got a good point.

I get very caught up in obsessing about how the minutiae of my own character may affect DSs emotional well being at the best of times (I know, I know. I'm a loon. Don't blame me, blame my mother. see! I'm obsessed with this shit!).

You're all right, I cant protect him from everything [gulp] and he could well be going through a perfectly normal phase and, yes, if the break up wasn't happening I would just accept it more as a phase rather than trying to blame myself.

Thank you.

[brightongirldownunder]

You didn't overreact JV. If I was in your position I would feel the same. And I think we all worry about how we affect our DC's. Just today I asked my mum if she thought my DD would be "damaged" by us moving away from them and rest of family. She of course told me to stop being stupid, which is true, as DD has become really outgoing since being in Sydney.
Its only because we love them so much..

[littlewoman]

Jeremy, sometimes we see things because we are looking for them. Maybe you feel guilty that your ds and his dad are now separated, so you are perhaps looking for signs that your ds is suffering?