How can I support my DP?

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

I'd really appreciate some objective comments on this and any ideas on how I can make things easier would be welcomed.

DP is a SAHD and I work full time. DS is now 11 months and although much easier than he used to be he's still a fussy, demanding baby much of the time. DP is brilliant with him, he's generally patient and calm and they have a great time together.

Recently I've noticed DP getting more and more tired, as since I've been back at work he's doing more of the night stuff. DS still breastfeeds loads (we cosleep much of the time) and on nights when BFs don't settle him DP often does the rocking/pacing thing.

We've had a tough run of teething recently, so less sleep and long hard days. I get home at lunchtime but often don't finish at night until bedtime, by which time I can see DP is really struggling. His patience is at a low ebb and having talked to him I think he's struggling not to get angry with DS. I can totally understand this because I had problems with the same thing a few months ago (and it can still bubble up under the surface). DS seems capable of driving normal adults to the brink of losing it completely, mainly by causing sleep deprivation but also by being really high-maintenance and impossible to satisfy.

Often if DS has had a bad day I can settle things with a BF, which is hard for DP I think as he's spent hours rocking a howling baby to no avail. I think this bad run we're in the middle of is really taking its toll on him. His IBS is playing up and he's in a low mood (sure signs he's stressing out, whether he admits it or not). I try to go away for at least one night with DS when I have a free weekend so he can catch up on sleep, and I take my turns with the early starts. I can only do so much because I really am pretty shattered myself.

I'm worried about the effects on DS, especially now he understands more, of being cared for by someone who's stressed and impatient and angry. He's the sort of baby who really feeds off our stress and gets himself worked up. I also want DP to be happy and relaxed for his own good but without giving up work (not an option) I can't see how to help practically. I also think I'm too tired and bleary to think straight. Can anyone suggest anything?

[puffylovett]

Does he go to bed with your DS and get some daytime zz's ? Catch up on a little bit of sleep then ?

How about weekends, could you put 'family time' on hold for a few weeks till this teething is a bit better and take it in turns to have a few hours to yourselves chilling ?

ie send him out with friends / to a footie match or something on the sat for a few hours, and then on the sun you have 4 hours in the bath ?

I can sympathise, we're in a similar situation here, it's not easy is it. You both sound like you're doing a great job

[Pheebe]

I am in a similar position, my DH is a SAHD for the moment although he does do occassional jobs (he's an electrician). For the moment I'm the main breadwinner and am also self employed. I'm not clear what your work situation is but is there any way you could adjust your working day so that you have say at least two hours over tea to bedtime where you don't work and could relieve the pressure on DH? This works really well for us, I then go back to work for a couple of hours once the Dcs are in bed.

This must be a really tough time for all of you and something is probably going to have to give here, I decided it was my working hours even though it means I often work on into the evening to make up for lost time but to me its worth it as I get to spend time with my family, give DH a break and still cover the bills. Money is always an issue but we decided that if we have to tighten our belts for a couple of years for the sake of our health and relationship then so be it.

Is nursery and option? Even if for one session a week? DS1 has benefited hugely from nursery and we started him at about 1 year, gently at first with 1 then 2, 2 hours sessions a week and building up very gradually. I appreciate thats an extra cost but I think its a justifiable one to maintain your DHs health and well being.

Sorry if this is irrelevant as I don't know your work/financial relationship. Am happy to chat on about how we cope/do things if you think it could help.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

Thanks

He's terrible about catching up on lost sleep (I'm making it into an art form!). Which really doesn't help.

He does mostly make the effort to go out for a cycle or something when he has the chance. Even when I'm not working I spend a lot of time on call so he needs to be around in case I have to go out, which is a PITA.

Good suggestion Pheebe but my work hours aren't negotiable really. I've had quite a few concessions (and a raise) so my boss has been great so far, I'm not really in a position to do anything differently. Nursery or a CM I would definitely consider at some point soon, from the social aspect I think DS will soon need to be spending more time with other kids than he does at the moment. We're hoping that DP will get some part time work for when I'm off because money's seriously tight and I'm sure it will help keep him sane.

Interested to hear of any and all experiences of WOHM/SAHDs and the relevant logistics!

[puffylovett]

bumping for you.

The other thing is, does he go to any playgroups ? Sometimes it can be a godsend just to spend some time with other parents who are also suffering. And, more to the point, it's nice not to have to be one on one with baby for a couple of hours - gives you a bit of a mental break, with the added advantage that it knackers them out !!

Also, I know it could be a while off yet, but I have to say that once DS started walking his sleeping improved MASSIVELY as he's now just so tired. Something to hope for !

[grumblingirl]

That evening two hour period is a serious flashpoint if you've been looking after a demanding baby all day. Practical tips I can give are:

• If there's a meal to be made let your DP do it as anytime away from baby holding is appreciated, even if it is to cook!
• Encourage him to go out for a run (can't get as far as on a bike) and get him a pager so you can tell him to run home if you get called out.
• Definitely go down the CM / nursery route, kids generally love it and free yourself from any guilt about leaving DS as they don't remember when they're older.

Does your DS have quiet time outside his naps? Our DS2 (8 months) needs 30 mins every morning and afternoon with toys away, everything off just looking around at our house/garden or he gets over stimulated and a nightmare. I didn't do this with DS1 (4), we were constantly trying to entertain him and he is still driving normal adults to the brink of insanity now :-) Ultimately though it's the sleep deprivation that's doing it to your poor DP, apparently if you're brain gets even 30 mins of disturbed sleep a night your concentration and patience is affected, so he REALLY needs to nap when your DS naps. Tell him MN said so!

[rookiemater]

11 mths is quite a hard age if I remember rightly. I was glad to go back to work and deposit DS at the CMs as he was just so cranky because he was keen to get walking, but couldn't and just was a bit irritable most of the time so its a great age for them to start some interaction with other children as it keeps them entertained.

Also is it worth talking to your HV about your DS sleeping patterns. Even with teething it sounds like your DS is waking up a lot, so maybe a chat with someone helpful would be useful to you. Sleep deprivation stinks and some people aren't very good at coping with it, I definitely can't.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

Just wanted to thank you all for the helpful suggestions

[Alfreda]

'lo.
Been here for some years, still have issues tho different ones (got a thread somewhere else about the latest).
I certainly worried about the effect that stressed/depressed dp would have on the babies, instituted "the words" as I put then to bed at night, where I recited how much I and daddy love them etc. They still ask for the words, agred 8 and 10, and have no idea of their origin, and neither does their Dad.
Nanny/childminder one day a week if you can see a way to affording it owuld be very valuable respite care, as would a regular babysitter for you both to have some time. Dh also used the creche at the local sports centre when dd was small: he got exercise and a break, also lost weight and felt better, and the girls at the creche became babysitters.
Best of luck.