should i stay or go?

[summerholiday]

I have been with my partner for a year and a half. We have a 3 month old son, decided early on that we wanted to try for a child as it felt right. Have had our ups and downs, but we do seem to have alot in common.
Day 4 after my son was born my parents stayed. Had a lovely evening, then went to bed. My partner commented that it was strange that i didn't sit at the table for dinner and then rolled over to sleep. I tapped him to wake him to explain that i was breastfeeding my son, that's why i sat on sofa. We started arguing, my parents could hear, all my Mum could hear was his voice going on at me for over an hour. He stormed out, my mum came in really upset for me, he came back an hour later. Mum told him he was really bad, he stormed downstairs, mum followed him, heard him tell her to F Off, twice! Parents went hom at 5am next morning, Mum was shaking! Parents wouldn't phone after that, Mum called him a monster, i felt like i'd been abandoned with a new baby, at a time i needed support from parents.
A few weeks later i phoned his sister to ask for advice as was feeling low and finding it hard to move on. She said he had a stepdad who hated him, not a loving upbringing. I told partner, said she'd suggested a trial separation, he just flipped. Became very hostile in the garden, kicked BBQ over, and spoke in a loud intimidating voice. I got scared and stayed at an Aunty's with son that night.
A few weeks later he came back from a course, i decided i couldn't cope any more and went to leave to stay at Aunty's. He tried to stop me, blocked doorway, etc. Phoned his Mum at the time and implied that i'd hit him! Shouted in street, sat in my car, etc. Very upsetting.
We're back together at the moment, he's been to the Doctor's and is taking antidepressents which seem to be helping. We're both going to Relate, which has got us talking more sensibly.
He says that he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. Wants us to move on now and put it behind us. I just have been finding it really hard, and have been feeling down.
We both sold our flats to be together, i don't know how i'd cope financially on my own. My parents live 2 hours away, an thinking to move nearer them, but he wouldn't see his son so often. He loves him very much. He does loads of housework, washing, cooking, looks after him in the night.
He has got really nice friends, spoken to some of them who can't believe he would behave like he had! My parents think he's got a mental; health problem, and it's whether i can cope living with this. He says he doesn't have a mental; health problem, but admits there is a problem.
Am on maternity leave, planning to put son into nursery twice a week at 9 months, if on my own don't know how will cope financially.
Not sure what to do, just wondered could anyone give me any advice, whether to stay or go?
When my friends met him they all thought he was very nice and friendly, as did i.

[Carmenere]

Well I think he needs support but you do too. So I think you need to work together to reach a compromise. Perhaps he could apologise to your mum and try to mend the rift there so as she would be comfortable spending more time with you at home.
I think you should probably stay and dig deep to help him deal with whatever is his problem, if he has had a rough upbringing he may be doubting his parenting ability.

[elliephant]

Going to Relate and learning to talk properly sound like the way forward. However your Dp does,I think, have a point.You do have to forgive to move on. That doesn't mean that you are saying to him that his behaviour was OK or that you have forgotten it. To me it means you are drawing a line under it and working together to ensure it doesn't happen again. From experience I know thats not always easy but in my case a really great relationship has come out of difficult beginings. We've learned to talk, my DH has learned how to be a partner and a father ( came from a very cold family). Your parents saw the worst side of him, but the early days of parenthood does not always show us at our best . But from what you say there is more to him and your parents need to move on as well. My DM wasn't my DH's biggest fan - she and my DSis had him pigeon holed at his worse and never acknowleded the change him.

[littlewoman]

Am I going to be slated for saying I think your mum should have stayed out of the argument?

[ThinWhiteDuchess]

littlewoman, I think I agree with you about the OP's mother not getting involved.

Summerholiday, your DS was just 4 days old when you had that argument. You and your DP both must've been shattered, and tbh it sounds like a fairly minor argument which you both probably would've forgotten about shortly afterwards. IMO the best thing your DM could've done at that time was to realise this and just ignored it. Unfortuantely, it seems because of her involvement it has escalated.

It also seems to me that other members of your family are also involved. I think you and your DP really do need to sort these issues out just between the two of you -- maybe with the help of Relate. I am sure the two of you will be able to work it out.

I wish you the best of luck

[mumblechum]

How old are you and dp? Just wondering as both of you seem to be v. involved with your parents

[mitfordsisters]

I agree with littlewoman - your mum should have stayed out of it after that row. Having a small baby is a very stressful time all round, and they certainly shoouldn't judge him for losing his rag. When I think of the rows we had when our baby came along!

Well done for going to Relate - building a life with a partner is very challenging at times, and you are wise to be learning how to negotiate with one another better.

If I were you, I'd stick up for him to your mum - he is your choice - and her judgment might not be as sound as you think. He doesn't sound mentally ill to me - just under pressure and in need of some love and understanding. Just give him lots of love and hugs and enjoy your darling baby.

[summerholiday]

I am 41 and he is 43. He has a 9 year old daughter who he looks after a third of the time.
We did have some arguments when i was pregnant. I was a week overdue and having alot of pelvic pain. He wanted me to be more specific which i couldn't. I got in a mood and told him that i didn't want him at the birth, etc, we were driving home from his Mum's.But i didn't mean it, apologised .When we got home he stormed out and took his phone, said he needed some space, but to phone him if i went into labour. My Aunty happened to phone then and i ended up going to hers. My Mum found out about this. Another time i phoned my brother after a bad row, and my Mum once too.
My Mum has said that he's not welcome at their house, this has really upset me as i was hoping that having a baby would bring the family closer together. It has affected my self esteem.
My partner thinks that in time things may improve with my family.
Before i met him i was planning on moving to Sussex to be nearer to my parents, My Dad thinks that if i had done this, then things would have been better for me!
My partner was really sorry for what happened with my parents and he did phone them up to try to repair things. He's also really sorry for the things that have happened between us.

[lilyloo]

Maybe you shouldn't tell your family after you have argued as it is easier for us to forget and move on from arguments than it is or family.

[summerholiday]

Just to say thankyou so much for all yor help and advice, it's just what i needed. Things have just been going round and round in my head, making me feel quite ill!

[DaDaDa]

It's still very very early days with your son. It sounds like you're both moving things in the right direction and that he has the will to imrove the situation.

I'd let the dust settle with your family. If things improve between the two of you over time then you can explain that the stress of having a baby so early in a new relationship was making things difficult and that it's important to you that they are in your life, but that you and your DP have a family and he needs to be included.

[littlewoman]

I would keep close counsel on your arguments in the future. Like lilyloo says, if you tell your family, they are left thinking he is a tosser a long time after you've forgiven him.

Quite honestly, I would never have had anyone come to stay with me straight after a baby. You're much too frazzled to be playing the hostess. Give yourselves time to relax and adjust. It doesn't matter who's right and wrong half as much as it matters that you're both happy.

[mitfordsisters]

Agree with others. It's good to have a family you can share things with, but really it can be better to keep some matters private between you and your partner. Ironically, sounds like maybe you need to separate from your extended family a bit, in order to make things work better for you, dp and dc. You might get some flak for it, but from what you say, dp sounds like a good 'un and you are just having a few issues settling in for the long term with him. Stay positive