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Relationships

How can you come to terms with the feeling/belief that your life is a failure.......

13 replies

lifeisadisappointment · 16/06/2008 22:45

From the outside looking in my life probably looks ok, but inside I am full of overwhelming disappointment, mostly at myself for not having taken different paths/ been wiser / not having the resourses to make things 'better' for myself and my family.

I am 33, have a ds who is my life, without him I think I might be tempted to throw in th towel.

Been with Dp for three years and fell pregnant unexpectedly. Dp doesn't want to get married as 'doesn't believe in it'.
Stuggled for years to buy small little home for myself but had to sell up to get through the SMP period after his birth, and now am trapped in Dps house, no prospect of selling (thats another story), we are not getting on, constant stupid rows, absolutely zero sex life (twice in two years) everything just feels pointless. I feel cheated and that its too late to doo anything 'big' enough t amke a difference.

The things that I so desperately wanted as a child (having had a bad childhood), namely a modest but stable home of my own and to be with someone who loved me enough to want to marry me, these two things now feel completely out of my reach.

Sorry, just neede to get this ut, thanks for taking ther time to read.

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bobblehat · 16/06/2008 22:48

I'm not much good at stuff like this, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Could you make a list of what you're not happy with and where you would like to be - that way you could maybe see a way through this.

What does your dp think about this?

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beeny · 16/06/2008 22:52

You are only 33 life is not wasted.Do you still love Dp does he love you

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lifeisadisappointment · 16/06/2008 22:56

Thank you Bobblehat.

My Dp is not as bad person, in a way it would be more straightforward if he was, as I would leave. he says he loves me to bits and he is trying hard to make a good life for us. he knows (at least intellectually) how distressing I find it having no security but in his eyes 'he will never leave me' so whats the problem.

I just feel so angry and resentful, more and more every day, but if I'm honest most of the anger is probably really at myself. I feel cheated (I can hear how unhinged this must sound) by the hand life has dealt me.

I deliberately distanced myself from friends as all I can see is how happy and successful they are and it makes me feel shit about myself.

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lifeisadisappointment · 16/06/2008 22:59

Think dp loves me, although certain he doesn't fancy me and thought of next 40 years being celibate fills me with dread. Not sure if i still love him. A few things have happpened which have destroyed my respect for him, I think, and hw can you love without respect?

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bobblehat · 16/06/2008 23:03

Right, lets start from the start.

What is making you feel a failure - is it just that he won't marry you? Marriage doesn't necessarily mean stability.

Do you work? I work, and although it is in no way shape or form what I wanted or indeed want to do, I at least have 2 days a week when I'm bobblehat, rather than someone's mum. It just gives me a bit of distance.

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bobblehat · 16/06/2008 23:06

Sorry, missed your last post. Why do you not respect him? Is it something he's done, his attitude or something else.If you had a magic wand, what one thing would you change?

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lifeisadisappointment · 16/06/2008 23:12

Bobble

thanks fr the reply again. yes I do work (p/t), I feel a lot better when I'm working although it is quite stressful. I love my job, studied hard at uni to get my qualification but whereas I though it would set me up and give me a bit of financial independence its become obvious that I should have been working and buying a place too live all those years ago! At least I would have a choice now.

Marriage was never a massive issue for me, but since having ds it does matter. If something happened to dp tomorrow I would be literally homeless. I have tried explaining to dp how important these things are to me but he just doesn't sem to get it enough to do something, I just end up getting angrier and angrier and I just end up wanting to scream!!!!!

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lifeisadisappointment · 16/06/2008 23:16

The lack of respect thing is v. complicated, buy in a nutshell he allowed something to happen after promising me he would not let it happen, we nearly split up over it and deep down I have never forgiven him and to this day don't get it. Sorry a bit cryptic but worried someone in rl might recognise the situatio as it was quite unusual

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bobblehat · 16/06/2008 23:23

The last bit of your message sounds just like my sil, she says exactly the same, her and her dp have been together 10 years now, and he's happy as they are.

Are there any parts of your relationship you are happy with? The big bits that aren't right, what could be done to make them just a bit better?

I know that when things are bad it's easy to look on the dark side - been there done that. Is that fact that you don't have your own house an issue? Is your dp's house his, could your name go onto the deeds, or is it rented?

How old is your ds?

Sorry loads of questions, tell me to mind my own business if you want. My way of dealing with anything is to try and break it down into tiny pieces and deal with them one by one.

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Molesworth · 16/06/2008 23:26

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this crushing sense of disappointment LIAD - I can identify with that

Your relationship with dp doesn't sound very good at the moment - what do you think about couple counselling? I can understand the need for security but do you really want to marry him while things are as they are?

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expatinscotland · 16/06/2008 23:27

In answer to the OP: yes, I have.

I'm over it and now enjoy just ripping hte piss out of it at every opportunity.

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bobblehat · 16/06/2008 23:28

crossed posts again.

no probs, understand about not giving too much away.

Ultimatly, I think you have to have a think about what it is he has done. Is it actally the thing he has done, or the fact he broke a promise?

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bobblehat · 16/06/2008 23:53

am off to bed now. Hope you sort things out.

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