agony aunt needed : my relationship with my recently widowed sister

[beansontoast]

This is of course very complicated.

in brief... my sis and i (once very close) are very distant,we were actively and with some sucess trying to restore our relationship when her husband died suddenly.our relationship has never been so important nor so shit.

i literally dont know where to start ...where to pull strands of sense out of all this!

a bit of back ground?

in no particular order then...

me: 37,dp,ds nearly five,dd nearly one
her:41 with husband since she was 23,three children under 11.

we live down the same road...about 15 houses apart!...in the road we grew up in..my family lives with my dad.

we fell out over a period of years...one misunderstanding after another led to quite ingrained and dysfunctional behaviours...that we both feel the other was mostly to blame for.
there was prolonged animosity from her with no explanations or even accusations..i was left to guess what i had done and when i did nt either figure out or come and ask her why she was like she was,over time this was atken as proof that i was selfish/clueless etc

at a particularly stressful time in her life she then decided to 'cut me off'..which involved a passive sort of bullying...not talking or looking at me ...VERY HARD TO EXPLAIN..which went on for four years approx.

my loyalty to her def was understrain at this point but i continued to ignore it and carry on calling round etc...like a fucking stupid puppy...(thinking she was stressed and taking it out on me) actually she and her husband treated me like this ...and teh whole of my family thought i was over sensitive/imagining it.

when she admitted to it and i told her how it had effected EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF MY LIFE..i.e.relationship with my children,dp,mum,dad and brother,colleagues etc...she said if she had known she would have stopped sooner.

my msitake was to not confront her/ask her ...and also to not know in the first place....and also my decsion to just keep on trying to be normal made her think that i wasnt bothered! (tragic misunderstanding...for both of us)

after massive rows and almost contractually agreeing that we wanted to get back what we used to feel about each other...it turns out that there were (surprise surprise) very deep and buried emotions fuelling her treatment of me ...and ideed my behaviour in the circumstances

but now we are bck where we were...prob worse...i am teh one with most resources right now...but i am without doubt letting her down...she is terrifically angry with me (although never directly)and others...i want to talk with her so much...yet i am scared that she will be angered by me suggesting that our relationship is a priority for her right now....

at th emoment (and even during our bad patch) i offer practical support...she accepts begrudgingly(and i am happy with that...she doesnt want to farm out her children/have help with household stuff ...her husband died...she has little choice...)

aaargh im getting confused now this is where it all gets messy for me...cos im scared of her and she hates me being scared of her/pitching myself as a victim/not being strong etc (i am strong in many respects but not around her particularly recently)...

i have re read this and now after attempting to edit and organise my thoughts im more confused than ever.

there are millions of places where a sad blue face belongs...no emoticons means nothing. i have deliberately not said much about my bil...to try and keep this as contained as possible iykwim

im going to post thi s..not quite sure of what i am actually after though...any views? thoughts? questions? suggestions?

[beansontoast]

and now im off to bed x

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmmm, tricky.

How long ago did her husband die?

I wouldn't really expect, or ask, anything of her for a while after the death. I would try to just carry on, offer practical support, be someone she can lean on, and go elsewhere to talk about your relationship with her, until she is better. Do you have outside friends (not in your family, ideally) who you can rant and rave at about this?

[beeny]

I don't know if am able to answer other than if you want to help thats great but not at the expense of your sanity and welfare.

[TotalChaos]

i agree with NQC, it's a very tricky situation. She may well feel very angry at losing her husband, so that may end up being focussed against you, even though it's far more complex than that.

[Twiglett]

how recently widowed is she?

your role is simply to support, take what you are perceiving as 'shit', role with it and still love her

your role is to provide her with sustenance, childcare, support and unflinching love

your role is simply not to psychoanalyse anything she says or does .. she is bereaved, not only has she lost her husband, but her whole idea of her life and future has been totally screwed

It takes years to get over a loss like this, but the first year is terrible .. every time is the first time without xx .. the first birthday, anniversary, mother's day, father's day etc ... every day she will wake up and not remember for a split second and then she will and it will crash down on her like it's brand new .. and in the face of this, you are her rock .. the thing she can rely on, shout at, take advantage of and you will keep coming back

because you're her sister and you love her

and she has the right to be angry, upset and even deranged

[retiredgoth]

.....when one is recently widowed, one feels very very awkward about asking for help. Particularly about farming out children. In the first few weeks countless people offer "help". When the time comes to call for it almost no-one really comes through....

....the valuable people are the ones who keep on offering aid. Who turn up on the door and say "I'm having the kids you ARE going out".... or "you don't know me really, but I thought you could do with a hand cleaning".

(these both happened to me. Very few people bothered, but the few that did surprised me and I remain grateful)

....the welcome may not always be what was expected. But I can assure you it will be appreciated in the long view.

Well done for sticking with her through it all. Your relationship will be better for it in the end......

[Swedes]

I'm not sure cutting someone off is a passive sort of bullying at all. It's used as a last resort against people who continually let someone down through drink, drugs, lying, hurtful behaviour or whatever.

[purpleduck]

agree with twiglett

Just pretend all the rest of the crap didn't happen.
If you have trouble with that - then do it for your neices and nephews.
Poor little mites

[beansontoast]

Thanks everyone.Really.that post took me hours to write...and even then was ultimately quite incoherent! it must have taken soem effort to understand it so im grateful.you have all said something taht i will consider.

twiglet...he died in november 07..CVA aged 43.
you are so right...i am not heartless,i love my sister dearly...but sometimes it helps me to be reminded of the simple facts.thanks.

nqc...yeah i have friends that understand and know teh history who i can think aloud with.

retiredgoth...thank you for your post..im ashamed taht i need reminding of how to be a decent person...thanks for being positive about her/our future

swedes...'cutting off' was my sister's terminology...and isnt really very accurate now i think about it...it was passive because i was never told what she was punishing me for.this was not a clear cut case of me being teh 'baddy'...there were shortcomings on both sides.

thanks again...that was a shot in the arm. ill let you know how things go

[greenelizabeth]

I think it's a good sign that she acknowledged that her actions caused you pain and that she said that she would have stopped sooner if she'd known.

I would take it slowly. But write her a card and tell her that you truly want to draw a line under everythng that has gone before. It was rubbish not having a sister and that you need her too. You want to help her now if you can, you need that.

Then see how it goes. She'd be MAD to throw that back in your face.

[Swedes]

beansontoast - Hope you manage to sort things out.