Is this normal??

[notnuftime]

I just need some advice please.My partner and I have been together now for about 4yrs and engaged for 2yrs. The children I slowly let him get to know because the children and I have been hurt in the past.The father of the children comes over to see them every 2 wks.My problem is that we don't go anywhere as a family and i get so of other families that say oh we went on holiday in the half term.We don't officially live together he has own place but spends more time at mine.We do shopping together which is the highlight of the kids week at least they get to see him.He works every day finishes at lunchtime on Sunday but spends that time sorting his house out,cleaning it etc....So he comes home here to mine at about 7ish so the kids get a quick hello and a cuddle from him and kids go up to have wash and bed.When his mother was alive she used to tell him to slow down not work to much life is too short but he just never listened to her.When we discuss him spending time with us he says we need the money.I asked him what was more important and he never answered.I am not asking for expensive holidays just a week in a caravan site somewhere would b nice, kids have never been on holiday.I hate being stuck in at the weekend not going anywhere we can go out just the 3 of us but it is not the same I can't drive I can't afford the bus we go to park sometimes and i do try and make it fun here but it isn't the same.When he proposed to me it was lovely but i think we are never going to actually get married and I get very broody but for some reason when I try to discuss this with him he changes the subject.Is all this normal I get very confused on one hand I am a single mum with 2 kids and on the other a family.He wont take days of work for things like school plays, he can't afford to.I get upset when I see fathers tenderly looking at their children and wanting to do anything for them.He doesn't show his emmotions I saw it when his mum died. I love him and we have some of the same values and interests but please tell me whether this is normal.thank you

[LIZS]

no it isn't but suspect you realise that. You are putting your life on hold but he isn't committing, sorry. Is he really working all the time , if so where does the money go and why won't he plan for your shared future? You sound very lonely so in the meantime you need to find ways to make your family unit happier without him , that way you can become less dependent on his company for your enjoyment.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

What does getting married/being a family mean to him? It sounds like he either doesn't acknowledge what it means (committing to you, spending time with your kids, planning for more?) or isn't ready. Many men propose on the spur of the moment and many women accept likewise, but you have to both be ready. I don't think he is, sorry. You need to have a good talk with him about this. Good luck xx

[NotABanana]

This isn't normal.

Are your children his?

I think you would be better off finishing this relationship if he won't give you what you deserve as it has to be better than how you live now.

It sounds like everything else comes first and you won't be a priority to him.

Sorry.

[Scramble]

I would recomend you save up for a holiday with your kids if you can and go yourself, tell him what you are planning and he can then decide to go or not. But I think you need to move with him in one direction or take a step in your own direction. Either way living in limbo won't do you any good.

[notnuftime]

thank you everyone.I get so stressed about this that in the end it is easier to trundle along as we are.Notabanana, no they are not his. I thought we would of moved forwards from now, we have discussed moving in together i am in a rented he has mortage so we did discuss areas and price range he then got the new carpets fitted in his house(it is a wreck and needs doing up)then I heard nothing else bout it when I asked him what was happening he said, he doesn't think he will be able to afford a house now we are ok as we are.... I know from you all reading this it sounds like an affair or something is happening to him but I am sure he wouldn't do that he seemed lovely when I met him and when I met his mum she said he was just like his dad a workoholic.I get upset in private about this because I don't want him keeling over with a heart attack from stress.So I tend not to nag him to much.About saving up and going on our own is not really possible but a good idea I have Fibromyalgia (bit like ME)so i get tired very easily and i have no strenghth to lift bags etc........Lizs I have wondered were all the money is going ok he has a few garages he rents out so a bit of money coming in there plus his job which isn't very high pay out of that he pays for all his bills on his house,his mortgage and the food shop every week which is roughly about 80 pounds. I think he has loads of savings in different accounts plus his mum died and she left him a lot of money.I am not a scrounger and I didn't come looking for a man with lots of money to look after us, all I want out of a relationship is respect and at the moment I feel invisible.I don't expect him to share his mums money with me why should he that is his money.I am single mum getting by on benefits can't work at the moment to ill and I have big debts owing to my clothes catalogues but I get by I have to.

[Heated]

So really its 'him' & his life and 'you' and yours?

It's positive that your kids like him so much. Does he like them? You also sound friendly with his mother. Do you socialise within his family and he in yours at all?

[deedledum]

NNT, you MUST take control of this situation. You are sat at home waiting for him, he is calling the shots, you and your children are at his beck and call which is an insecure, scary and self-confidence breaking place to be. My mother got a boyfriend after my dad died when I was 12, they were together for 10 years and he never committed, always put her off when they discussed moving in together, he kept her dangling on a string, exactly where he wanted her. My younger brother and I grew up at the mercy of her moods, depending on when he was coming round or not. Her focus was entirely on him. After 10 years of the relationship going absolutely nowhere, he dumped her one day saying he had been seeing someone else for a long time. My mother was left with nothing to show for the last ten years, no partner and absolutely no respect from her children whom she had virtually ignored for years. I am certainly NOT saying you are behaving like this, but it sounds like he is to an extent which sets alarm bells ringing in my ears. I realise your resources are low but for the sake of your own self esteem and your childrens security you must gain control of this relationship, work out what you want and if he cannot give it, move on. Good luck xxxxx