Not again. Advice please.

[bluebump]

To give you enough background knowledge without 'outing' myself to anyone I know in rl on here, my DP and I have been together on and off for 10 years.
He had an affair with a work colleague about 4 years ago which was on and off for a couple of years.

I was very devastated at the time and it took me a long time to get over it. He always denied being with her but one look at his text messages would prove otherwise. She also used to send me emails telling me to back off and leave them alone to get on with their relationship.

When I eventually had enough I had him buy my share of the house from me and I moved out and had a couple of short lived flings which stank of being on the rebound but was never as happy away from him as I thought I would be.

Literally as soon as I moved out he started calling and texting every day saying he missed me etc and we would meet up every couple of days for a drink and would constantly be on the phone together etc. Within 3 months of me moving out his relationship with this other woman had broken up (grass not greener, and no excitement without me to lie to??), we started dating again and eventually I moved back home.

We had a baby last year who was born very prematurely and died. It caused a great strain on our relationship as he always admitted he had never really bonded with the baby so never grieved as much as me. I also bought back into the house again.

Anyway to cut a long story short...we are now expecting another baby in a month or so. I noticed that he had been behaving strangely for a couple of months and started to check his text messages again. (I read enough MN to know that there is a variety of opinions on doing this.) I was aware that the woman he had an affair with is now single again and they were in contact again although it all just seemed very friendly and nothing to worry about. I know they have met up and he has lied to me about who he has been meeting but I still didn't think much of it as they have always remained friends and this has been no secret.

Anyway his behaviour has been odder as the weeks go on and the fact he won't put his mobile down led me this week to check his phone where I found two text messages
he had sent to her - one read "I just want to say you looked beautiful the other night" and the other one said "When we get married I think we should go live abroad."
Her responses made it sound like there was nothing going on between them, ie "thanks" to the first and "oh yeah?" to the other but it's the fact he sent them that's getting to me.

So, I confronted him admitting I was in the wrong to read his texts but I had and he said nothing was going on so I should stop overreacting. He said if i'd read the responses it wasn't like she was interested or anything??? So I asked him, what if she was interested but he didn't have an answer to that. Everytime I try and bring it up again he won't respond and cuts me off so I'm in limbo to know what's going on with us.

He has openly admitted to his friends that he is in the dog house but I bet he hasn't told them why, and is acting like there is nothing wrong and is actually having a go at me for being upset still and not being normal with him. He asked what I wanted to do today and when I said "nothing with you" he just went out and hasn't reappeared so now my mind is doing overtime wondering who he is with.

Tell me i'm not in the wrong to feel like this, or please give me some advice. I haven't told anyone in rl yet as it took me ages to convince them that I was doing the right thing getting back together with him in the first place, they will just love to pass judgement on this!

Even just some sympathy will do! I'm a tad today. I feel that after everything we've been though i'm still coming second best to this other woman as he is very vocal
about not wanting to get married to me and I couldn't tell you the last time he called me beautiful.

[Winetimeisfinetime]

Oh bluebump sorry to hear this. You could do without this kind of stress when you are pregnant.

I'm better with the sympathy than the advice but hopefully someone will be along with some advice now I've bumped this

[CarGirl]

How horrible for you. I suppose I would say cut your losses, you don't trust him and he isn't good enough for you.

[mamabea]

God how awful for you. Totally out of order that he is stonewalling you.

Fistly, I think you shouldn't blame yourself or be blamed for reading his texts. He has betrayed your confidence before and you (it seems justifiably) have every reason for being suspicious.

The fact is that he has sent another woman (with whom there is history) inappropriate messages. The blame is with him. Not you.

Is there anyone you can trust in RL to talk this over with. You need support at this time. I am sure no one will pass judgement on you, you gave the man you love a second chance.

You must feel very vulnerable and I can totally empathise with you saying that 'your head is doing overtime.' I would say put yourself and your baby first, if this situation is causing you stress find a way of getting some space if possible.

what does your instinct/ gut tell you to do?

[mamabea]

Also Bluebump, wanted to say that I am so sorry that your first baby died. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

If you were my friend in RL I would be coming round to pick you up and give you lots of TLC.

[bubblagirl]

sorry you are going throught his ahving been through so much already
first i would not be comfortable with my dh remaining friends swith person he had an affair with

2nd he isnt respecting you and is lying to you this equals no respect or trust you should be the most important thing and as for the replies they sound fake to me

i know its not what you want to hear but it sounds like he doesnt want to grow up and take responsibility maybe you should tell him you want a break and concentrate on yourself and unborn baby

the stress will do you know good if he runs to her you know and you can then move on if he fights for you dont let him straight back in as it seems he has a connection with this other woman regardless of what may or may not be going on

do you have family that can pamper you

they will always make you feel you are to blame also i know i have been there but if it was innocent you dont text them things to someone other than your partner

how is he to you is he affectionate does he pamper you is he excited about the baby if no to all above you have your answer

big hugs to you i know its hard but sometimes life is easier without that person making your life complicated love shouldnt be that way

[bluebump]

Thank you for your messages. I guess I don't want to tell anyone in rl as I will have to act on it where as now I can pretend to the outside world everything is ok. My gut instinct tells me to just cut my losses and go but then I start to question if I am over reacting and the reality of moving at 8 months pregnant sinks in and I'd do alot to avoid that.

I guess all I want to know from him is a YES something is going on or a NO there is nothing going on and won't be and the fact i've stumbled on it now will put an end to something that may have been.

[CarGirl]

Put that one question in writing and ask him for a response?

If no response is forthcoming then you know the answer anyway.

So for you, it's an awful situation for you to be in.

[MrsMacaroon]

you are not in any way over reacting... in fact you're under reacting.

what a fucking c*nt.

i'm reacting on your behalf.

[bluebump]

Sorry bubblagirl I posted before i'd read your response. I could tell my family but that would probably be it for his relationship with them.

As for the baby, he seemed to have got keener as time has gone on but still won't touch my bump and it's a struggle to get him to come to any appointments with me but I put that down to losing the other baby. The fact he has text her to say about moving abroad leads me to think maybe it's not very important to him.

I have never felt comfortable with him still being friends with her but it felt like we had all moved on, she had got engaged, we were having a baby etc so I thought that if that was it I didn't have to worry too much.

You are right though, I should be the most important thing to him and it is pretty sad that i'm not.

[mankymummy]

I split up with my exP at 8 months pregnant for more or less the reasons you've outlined.

You need to ask yourself, why would he text someone else something like that if he loved you and was thinking only of you and your baby.

I'm sorry to be harsh and i'm probably only seeing it from my situation but i know getting out even though i was 8 months pregnant (i had to move countries and find somewhere to live) was the best thing i ever did.

my ex has not changed and now i am not dragged down by him anymore. my DS is happy and settled and hasnt been raised in an untrusting and hurtful environment.

i feel for you i really do. he sound like a prize twat and doesnt deserve you or your unborn child. if i could whack him with a frying pan for you i would.

[mankymummy]

and it wouldnt be aimed at his head i can tell you.

[bubblagirl]

i think his either afraid and using her as an escape but either way it is not fair on you

i really do think you need to sit down and talk tell him how it makes you feel and see how he reacts to that

if again he says your overreacting and not to be silly im afraid you have your answer

as if he loved you as much s he says he does then he would go well out of his way to make sure you were not feeling the way he is making you feel

and dont stick up for him all the time if your family get annoyed with him they have every right he is not treating you right

his blaming you again is shirking responsibility from himself

tell him it is clear to see you dont know what you want i think you shopudl move out for a while and think it out if its me you have no more contact with her and if itsd her you can see the baby but have nothing to do with me

it will be hard but its better than not knowing evry day wandering and worse of all waiting

dont wait for an answer stand your ground show him you will not be taken advantage of and wont be again and if he wants you then he shows it if he cant he'll have to go

any man that doesnt get rid of the person they had an affair with means there is still something there you cant just be friends with someone that you ahd an affair with

be on your own to get some stregth and self respect dont allow him to make you feel like this being heavily pregnant aswell he should be doing all he can to support you and love you

[bubblagirl]

sorry for typos trying to type too quick i think coz im mad

[bubblagirl]

i really hope you can sort something out sounds like you need all the support you can get right now so dont be afraid to talk to family they may dislike him for a while but thats his fault if he starts treating you with respect they'll come round again have to go now but will check how you are tomorrow get an early night and try to rest xx

[mamabea]

It is sad, he has everything to loose here and it sounds like he isn't one to realise that until it's too late.

In the meantime you are suffering. he seems unable to reassure, comfort, protect and love you in the way you deserve.

Do you think anything can be gained from asking him to liten to you again? i.e. saying to him, 'I know that you don't want to hear this but unless you want this relationship to end we need to talk...'

Things will get harder once baby arrives and unresolved issues have a tendency to come back with a vengence.

I just want to add that he is a fool. He has you and a second chance to have a family with you. You have shown him such love by offering him this second chance. If he can't hear just how raw and miserable this is making you and can't give you answers that reassure you then I would question how much of a friend he is to you.

[bluebump]

Thank you again everyone. I'm gonna take the early night route and have a bath and go to bed I think - he's gone out for the evening now anyway but i'll update you tomorrow.

[mamabea]

goodnight Bluebump.

[bubblagirl]

hi bluebump how are you feeling today? x

[bluebump]

Hi, thank you for thinking of me again.

No real update yet i'm afraid. DP didn't come home until 2am so I'm feeling pretty grouchy today still but then I haven't had a good night's sleep for months being pregnant etc. I spoke to him about staying out late and he promised it wouldn't happen (it's my worst fear going into labour and him being a useless drunk and not getting me to hospital so he's previously promised not to stay out that late before )

So, we still haven't had 'the chat' yet but as things seem to be going ok today i'll try and do it later or if all else fails i'll do my usual and will email him when i'm at work tomorrow.

Thanks again.

[NotABanana]

You know what, I think you deserve better.

Pack his stuff while he is out and lock him out. I am sure he has somewhere to go.

[ShinyPinkShoes]

Oh bluebump you poor thing

I am so sorry to hear about your baby? How many weekd pg are you now...do you have other children?

I'm sorry to say he sounds like he is dangerously flirting at very least

[bluebump]

Thanks NAB I will indeed be doing that if I uncover any more lies. And SPS I am 34 weeks pg at the moment so on the countdown!

[mamabea]

good luck Bluebump.do come back for support if needed.