Could someone please explain to me why relationships struggle after the birth of 1st child? Confused and upset.

[Kaedsmum]

We've got a 4 week old, and my DP has just started a new job. Our families are getting on each others nerves but we've always stuck together before, solid as a rock. But now he just seems angry with me all the time... y? I'm a regular but changed my name cause I'm bored of my old one BTW.

[Oblomov]

Because it is such a life changing experience. And is is tyring. And you, and sometimes even your dh focus on the baby, whereas before you focused on eachother. Nad life is trickier. I mean it is a mammooooth operation getting outt he door in the first place, with bag of nappies, change of clothes etc. Before if you decided to pop out, you just grabbed your keys and off you went.
It is natutal. Just a time of adjustment.
Plus you have all the other stresses to add - new job for e.g. Hardly surprsising.

[DarrellRivers]

And you are tired
And so many new things to learn about
Life has changed big time, for both of you.
It does get better

[pagwatch]

and sad to say some dads can feel squeezed out. A new mother is often reacting instinctively to her child all the time. mum needs to adjust to that intense relationship and dads need to adjust to being third for a little while.

and you are TIRED !!!
And anxious and adjusting.

[mollysawally]

Never underestimate sleep deprivation - it makes everything seem a hundreed times worse.

[Notquitegrownup]

Totally agree on the power of sleep deprivation.

And also, you didn't really know what to expect, so once the baby is here, you find your partner is failing to live up to expectations which you didn't even know you had!

It can throw the spanner in the works in so many ways. But it does get better, IME.

[fruitstick]

Things do settle down, I promise. New Dad's quite often don't know what to do with a newborn, and feel a little displaced. Also, it can be difficult to adjust to not having the adult company you used to have if you worked and, as the others have said, you are just plain knackered.

When my DS1 was about 8 weeks old, we had a huge row and as a result I packed my bags (well, one small bag) and left with the baby in floods of tears - all because my husband had criticized me for buying an aubergine!

A new job is always stressful, and particularly when you have had very little sleep. Do you ask him how his day was when he gets in? The last thing on your mind I'm sure but men are sensitive flowers and feel very easily neglected.

[mollysawally]

LOL @ aubergine Fruitstick!

Totally agree about men being sensitive and feeling easily neglected (thats a polite way to put it, I'd have said something not quite so nice!)

As notsogrownup said, it will get better, just have to give it time for both of you to adjust.

[PortAndLemon]

Because

• both of you are tired. This makes all of the other factors at least a hundred times worse
• you are hormonal
• he probably feels that male thing about needing to be responsible and protective and provide for his family. This will be even more stressful when he's just started a new job
• you don't have much freedom or time for yourself any more, and may resent the fact that his life can go on pretty much unchanged
• you have a whole new family dynamic to work out now that there are three of you, which includes the fact that your child now ranks above your spouse

It does get better, eventually. Try to wait until you are calmer and not so tired to discuss potential flashpoints.

[Kaedsmum]

We had a little chat about it and went out for a meal whilst my mum babysat and everything's been better since. Plus we've started making an effort with each other's families again. still tired though!

[DarrellRivers]

That sounds a good thing to have done.
All the best

[Shooflypie]

I thought DP seemed angry with me too in the first few weeks (DS is 11 weeks now). DP had also just started a new job.
I'm glad everything's better after your chat

I found this also helped:
my asking DP to tell me whenever he thought I was doing something well (and I did the same back to him). Hearing that encouragement and positive feedback made a big difference when I felt knackered and overwhelmed.

I made a Herculean effort to ask DP about his new job, how his day went, sympathise with any stresses, and restrain myself from going HA! if he complained about anything.

With the tiredness I took (still do) DS into bed with me, feed him and then we both have a sleep. If it is any consolation I am only a few weeks further on than you, and I am miles less tired than I was - think it is to do with DS being able to go for a bit longer between feeds now.

[elkiedee]

Shooflypie, that's a great suggestion, it sounds like such a little thing but when my ds (now 13 months) was born we ended up back in hospital for 8 days when he was a week old, and I was devastated by the whole thing - I felt a terrible failure re breastfeeding but also, I'd been talked to so much about what I didn't know or about doing things wrong - I really think relatives and health professionals working with new mums should tell the good stuff as well as the bad.

kaedsmum, good luck with your LO and dp, hope you can sort things out.

[orangina]

I remember having a GIANT row w dh when dd (pfb) was about 3 weeks old... over HOW FAR DOWN HER HAT SHOULD BE PULLED ON HER HEAD TO GO TO THE PARK.

(yes, that important).

In the end, I stayed at home and cried, thought about moving out, while he took her for a walk, with the hat AS HE WANTED IT.... I honestly thought we were heading for the divorce courts. At the time. OBviously when ds came along (#2), neither of us gave a damn if the little darling even owned a hat....

[Notquitegrownup]

LOL Orangina! Yes, I am sooo glad that those days are behind me now.

[CatIsSleepy]

yep sleep deprivation is a dreadful thing, it really gets to you and grinds you down

you still need to make a bit of time for eachother though it is much harder

plus tiny babies can be rather unrewarding, especially for dads I think- I remember dh piping up when dd was shrieking at 3 in the morning 'god, having a baby is boring' which I didn't take too kindly to at the time (although I mostly agreed)

things get better!

[MrsTittleMouse]

orangina -
I can remember being so worn down with the grind of a demanding newborn. I know that DH and I would mostly argue about who was having the harder time, and therefore who deserved a 30 minute nap.