Very low - relationship rock bottom

[squishy]

I think it is - don't want to feel like this but DH won't listen. We've been together 11 years, married for nearly 5 and have a gorgeous 19mo DD.

DH didn't work for a long long time after burning out with emotional stress at a job, so all the pressure was on me to pay bills, holidays, everything. He 'worked' from home, but in reality earned pennies most of the time. He didn't do any house work, so we lived in a sh1t tip! It bothered me, but I couldn't be the only one killing myself in the workplace and at home while he sat and watched TV etc - the confrontation of trying to get him to help was awful and then the moody silences too much, so I became very complacent and tried to have rose-tinted-glasses.

When we decided to have a baby, him not working worked well because he would stay at home to care for her - it physically hurt me to have to go back to work when she was 3 and half months old.

I recall coming home from work on a number of occasions in tears, pleading with him to help more with the housework. Trying to get him to understand how much it hurt to leave her and how he wasn't making life easier.

Over a year on and it's the same - he still does very little - although he now works 3 days a week (since recently) - he cooks a meal in the evening, but he won't do anything off his own initiative with the hosue - I can ask nicely, plead, leave lists and he WON't do anything.

He comes to bed at 2-3 in the morning - stays up watching TV or falls asleep on the sofa. He snores so loudly that I have to wear earplugs and STILL get up to DD if she wakes in the early hours.

I have a busy, stressful job but as soon as I walk in the door, I am 'in charge' (although he does cook me a meal on the days when he's not been at work - now twice a week - weekends have never been him). When he's looking after her, he doesn't cook her an evening meal, he defrosts something I've made for her.

Because I go to bed early (as I know I need my sleep) he won't get up early to let me have a lie in - last one was Mother's Day.

I find him repulsive at times - he doesn't care for himself much as well as the house.

I don't know what to do.

I've tried being nice, telling him I don't feel valued, appreciated, equal partnership etc and that I recognsise because I don't want sex he probably feels similar- so I have tried 'bridging' the gap, having sex to see if that prompts reciprocation in him wanting to make me feel better but it doesn't.

He barely holds a conversation with me unless it interests him particularly but I have to hear about his work/hobby etc. He's now earning £300 a week, but has spent £1000 on the credit card and barely paid any of it off (in 2 years, I've managed to half our credit card debt - largely induced by him from £14k to £7k) - our nursery bills have gone up significantly to allow him to go to work but he doesn't pay for them - I have seen a tiny amount of what he's earned in the last 2 months.

In the past, when I said we need to have counselling or I don't know if I can cope anymore, he's just said he won't go to counselling, he's done it before and it "doesn't work".

Whenever I try and raise this ,he either gets defensive and says
a) I was happy to live in a mess before, it never bothered me so why should it now
b) along the lines of he does pull his weight

or he gets angry with me, sulks, gets moody or whatever

or he promises to help more.......but doesn't.

I'm sorry, I've ranted on too long. My IRL friends can't hear this because they have all gone on for long enough about the fact that he does nothing and I should do something about it.

I honestly find myself wondering if I love him anymore and if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But we have such a gorgeous daughter and, apart from being so much harder if I chucked him out (he couldn't cope financially and I would struggle with child care for 2 days a week) I don't want to deprive him of her or vice versa.

He constantly makes me think I'm being unreasonable, and he has got me really doubting myself.

I am rambling - have I gone mad?!?

[MegBusset]

Sounds like you really need to sit down and sort out what you expect of each other. Financially, emotionally and with regards to the housework.

If he is working part-time and looking after DD the rest of the time, when are you expecting him to do all the housework? Can you afford to get a cleaner?

[beeny]

So sorry didnt want to read and run not sure what to say other than if you carry on like this you will go mad

[MegBusset]

Also how come his earnings don't contribute to the family finances? I work p/t since having DS and DH works f/t but all our money goes in one pot, always has.

[CarGirl]

It sounds like you have 2 children anyway so how would it be harder on your own?

[SmugColditz]

She's not expecting him to do all the housework, she's expecting him to pull his weight and he doesn't. Ig hedoesn't have time in the day he should be doing it in the evening with the OP so she gets to sit down. He should be cooking for the child at least. He's behaving like an au pair.

It is different now you have a baby. It's healthier to raise a child in a vaguely organised house. That is why it's no longer acceptable to live in a shit tip.

[MegBusset]

Hmm, just to stick up for the DH slightly, he works part-time and looks after the DD the rest of the time. Which doesn't sound like 'doing nothing' to me. Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was a DH complaining that his wife, a SAHM didn't do enough housework. You would say 'get a cleaner', wouldn't you?

[MegBusset]

I think what's needed is a rota for jobs at the weekend/evenings, maybe. Agreed by both.

[squishy]

Yes, thanks - I went away and then came back feeling guilty - I mean, he did load the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen floor on Tuesday - but that's it. And having read a couple of the posts, I don't feel guilty now!

WHen do I expect him to do some of the housework? Like I do, when I'm caring for DD - or during the 2 hour nap she has every day still - it would only take 2 bursts of 20 mins a day to keep our house spotless.

his earnings don't contribute because he DOESN'T give me any money. The bills go via Direct debit straight out of my account. He's only recently started giving me the child benefit and tax redit - for the first 18 months, he had it and spent it (and not on household stuff, I still have to do the shopping).

You're right, I will go mad.....he needs to listen and take some action!

[lulumama]

he sounds incredibly depressed

to be burnt out emotionally by a job to the point of stopping working is serious

did he get any help?

also, it reaches a point where the house becomes so hard to tidy and clean it is easier to give up

the fact he does not care for himslef either rings alarm bells.... it is a classic sign of depression

must be so so so hard for you to hold it together feeling like you have no support and everyone leans on you

[madamez]

I think you probably resent him more because you have carried him for years and now you have a real child to care for. Does he seem to be doing a good job of caring for your DD, though? Basically, does he play with her, talk to her, take her to the park or P&T group, or does he just sit in front of the telly and look round occasionally to check she isn't sticking her fingers in a socket?
Housework is largely a waste of time and shouldn;t be high on anyone's list of priorities, so if he's interacting with DD rather than scrubbing floors, that's better.
But I do agree that his earnings should be contributing towards the household - what's he spending his money on?

[squishy]

Yes, he does work PT, he's still in bed now, when I've been up 4 hours, done cleaning etc......rota? Yes, hgave suggested that and it's been rejected.

[squishy]

Yes, from time to time, he cares for her really well but I am alarmed by the amoutn of time he watches TV with her.....back later, she needs me now!!

[madamez]

He does sound like a classic cocklodger: you're supposed to fund him, feed him and pick up after him, all in return for the occasional poke with his pork sword and the 'privilege' of not being single.
One last try: sit him down and ask him what three changes would make his life better, see what he says, then tell him what three changes would make your life better and see if you can each get two out of three.
If he doesn;t want anything to change or won't listen, then give him notice to quit. He's an adult and can fend for himself, he;s been a parasite for long enough.

[SmugColditz]

a bit alarmed to see he gets the child benefit.

did you know that he will probably be considered her resident parent should you split, as he has the child benefit?

Is this the way you wanted it? I didn't know if you were away of how powerful that child benefit number is.

[StayingZen]

"I was happy to live in a mess before, it never bothered me so why should it now"

Hope this isn't going off at a tangent, but I get this one all the time. What answers have you got for it?

[MegBusset]

Smug Colditz. If he is the main carer, why shouldn't he get the child benefit? That's how it works.

I would give him a rota, brook no arguments. If he doesn't want to do his share then he pays for a cleaner.

Set up a joint account (if you haven't got one already) for paying bills etc. His earnings and the CB can go straight into there, as well as your earnings.

Counselling does sound like a good idea for the emotional stuff so again I would make the appt and go alone if he won't come along.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Personally, I think once they stop looking after themselves, the rot sets in. It's a direct reflection of what's going on in his head- he's probably depressed and was feeling emasculated by the fact he was home with the baby and he percieved you as having all the money and the power.

Tbh if you're not sure if you love him, don't fancy him, he doesn't pull his weight, he doesn't make an effort even when you plead with him, then it sounds like it's already over and you two are going through the motions for your dd.

Do you WANT it to work? In an ideal world if you wouldn't struggle with childcare, and if you didn't think he'd cope financially (he would, you'd be surprised what these men who pretend to be useless in order to heap everything on your shoulders can do when they have to- and anyway he should have thought about that when he was driving you mad) would you prefer to cut him loose?

[shybaby]

You're both doing a hard job. You say it would only take two bursts of 20 mins a day to keep your house spotless? In that case it really cant be that much of a mess...I clean all the time and my house certainly isnt spotless!

Its easy to underestimate just how much mess a small child an make. I was at home with dd for her first two years more or less and my house was messier than it is now im working 30 hours.

From a very young age she cried all day long and slept very little so it was almost impossible to get anything done properly. When she got older she was into everything and I couldn't leave her for a second.

I really remember losing it one day when I decided to give my kitchen a thorough clean. My kitchen is straight through from the living room so im not a million miles away. That day my dd managed to pull over the fireguard (it was summer so fire wasn't being used and guard was not clipped on as i'd just polished it), spill yoghurt all over said recently polished fire, pull every cushion off the sofa and rip a whole sheet of my wallpaper off (had only decorated a few months before). She was bored, I should have been playing with her.

When ds came back from school he wondered what on earth had been going on and I was merrily ranting away on the phone to my friend. Only difference is that being a lone parent, there was no-one to come back and see it!

Now im at work, I hate having to come back and start housework..sometimes its 10pm before I can even start cooking my tea. Either way its tough and you need to sit down and discuss what both of you do. Ive had to accept that my house is never going to be spotless...I think the only way it ever would be was if I was at home while both kids were at school and that's just not possible.

I dont have much experience with the money side of it as its been 10 years since I lived with someone but it would seem sensible to me that anything you both earn goes into one account and after the bills are paid you both use it as you want. Having said that though, I would resent having to pay for his credit card. My ex was a nightmare with credit cards, spend spend spend on useless crap he didn't need. He'd fill one up, get another and do the same again no matter how much I begged and pleaded. It was ok he said "because the bank paid for it" WTF?!

[squishy]

Hmmm, some things making sense - shybaby - house is NOWHERE near spotless, but 2x20 min bursts from each of us a day would maintain a standard I'd be content with - to the question of why does it bother me now when it didn't - because I'm aware of doing so much more now, because we've got a child and while I can't be bothered with a fight to clean the house when it's 2 of us, it's more important now and thirdly because I actually feel happier, calmer, more chilled if the house is tidy-ish and clean-ish.

DO need to speak to him - someone mentioned about his burn out - we both burned out at the same time in the same job - I had counselling etc, he did a bit but then gave up and smoked dope all day (he doesn't now).

So coping mechanisms went out the window. I think it's less about that, but he does have more of a social life than I do now, and feels better,

Had NO idea about benefit of child benefit number - it comes into our joint account, but he used to swipe it!! He's NOT the main carer - he has her 2 days a week, works 3 and has a weekend - I have her 3 days a week, work 4!

[squishy]

Shybaby - can't let him have access to my money like that - couldn't rely on bill money being there when it was needed. The credit cards are mostly his debts, but now in my name and I'm paying them off - he would do ostrich and never pay them off

[Twinkie1]

He is behaving like this and has been for so long because you are letting him - it is shape up or ship out time I am afraid - yeah all well and good for him to do sod all or at least only a little if you weren't the one keeping a roof over your head and working your balls off but really - he is behaving like an arse and a child with no responsibility because you have let him for so long.

[MegBusset]

Apologies, I didn't realise you work p/t as well. Does he not do anything with DD at the weekend, then?

What strikes me most of all is that you simply don't seem like a team -- which imo is vital in a couple whether DC are involved at all.

[madamez]

Is there any advantage AT ALL to you in keeping this useless parasite in your house? He 'swipes' the child benefit - isn;t that more commonly described as 'stealing'? He has a social life and runs up debts. He puts DD in front of the telly most of the day.
All I can imagine is that he is phenomenal in bed.

[waffletrees]

TBH - he sounds like a waste of space. You need councelling of some sort to try and have a more balance relationship.

At the moment I am a SAHM and do 90% of the housework but when DH is here (he works very long hours) he does help out. I try to do most of the housework when he is at work so we can BOTH enjoy his time at home.

He is taking the piss out of you and he knows it. You are not his mother and you should both be supporting each other.