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Advice please, want to leave husband[sad]

8 replies

squiggle2 · 13/06/2008 08:43

Hi
Been married 7 years and for last 3-4 years have come to realise that I don't love my husband anymore. I care about him but don't have other feelings, can't bear to have sex or even if he cuddles me I cringe.
He is a good man, works hard and loves me to bits. I have a ds and dd that are not his but he treats them as his own.
I feel like I just want to be on my own with my kids. I have spoke to my ds10 and dd17 about leaving and moving back to my home town and they are quite happy with this, but how do I tell my husband, he will be devastated.
We live in a council house which is in my name only but I hate it here and want to go home to be near family and freinds, I have no-one here.
Please help, I feel so desperate

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Simply · 13/06/2008 09:01

I didn't want to read this and not post, but I don't know what to say other than to suggest discussing how you feel with your dh (and then him discuss his feelings with you) and to consider going to Relate. Splitting up is a very big step and talking about how you feel, how he feels, what each of you want from the future etc will help you to see if splitting up is the right thing or not. If it is clear that you don't want to stay with your dh at least you know that that's the case. Also, lots of relationships have "slumps" and sometimes it can last a few years and then become good again. I think working at it will enable it to become good again much more quickly and you both have to be committed to it and working towards a happy joint future. I hope that helps a little.

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squiggle2 · 13/06/2008 09:23

Thank for your reply.We both want different things, I want to move back home, hubby doesn't. We've got nothin in common, dh doens't even like me going home to visit my dad for a couple of days as he hates being on his own! I just feel so trapped and isolated. He even gets a strop if I don't go to bed the same time as him and the thought of spending the next 20+ years with him just doesn't do it for me. I just feel so bad and I don't want to hurt him.

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JessJess3908 · 13/06/2008 10:40

When i read your first post i thought "how awful, he loves her to bits and she just doesn't care, heartless cow".

BUT... when i read your second post it's obvious that there are problems apart from you just not caring (him isolating you from your family, controlling what you do etc). Perhaps it would help to look at the problems that are making you so unhappy - then you might feel more justified in leaving and be able to explain to him why you're going? As simply says - perhaps relate can help you do this?

Good luck x

PS - don't give up the council house... look into getting a transfer.

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JessJess3908 · 13/06/2008 10:45

Have just read my post and the PS def makes me the heartless cow!

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Seabright · 13/06/2008 11:42

Do you think you could care for him again if somethings changed? For example if you didn't feel so isolated and had more time to yourself?

If so, definatly think about Relate, because he may not know how you feel and it would give him a chance to modify his behaviour and make you both happy again.

Maybe he's behaving like this for a reason, which he hasn't told you. Relate would (hopefully) bring this out and enable you both to work on this.

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littlewoman · 13/06/2008 20:19

Gets pissed off if you don't go to bed at the same time as him? That would drive me mad. I love time on my own. That is unreasonable behaviour, imo.

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Salla · 13/06/2008 20:50

I think you might have the 7-year itch. Get through this and your relationship will be stronger as a result. Remeber, being in a relationship with kids is the hardest thing you will ever do, its hard for even very compatible loving couples. I do not personally know about relate and would not like the idea of talking about my personal life to a stranger. We just toughed it out to be honest, had a few too many drinks occassionally and went out separately with friends. I did get very low and depressed though so yes, it was a tough time.

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squiggle2 · 13/06/2008 23:35

I'm like you littlewoman I like my own space whereas dh hates being on his own and I really feel as though I need to be my own at the moment.
Anyway we've had a chat tonight and i said to him I wasn't sure how I felt about him anymore, he's gutted but we've decided its best if I go to my dads for a week to try and sort out how I feel.So I'm off tomorrow morning , feel very relieved and hoprfully as you say Salla we may get through this.