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Relationships

If you are planning to leave, not now but perhaps sometime in the future then how do go about it??

11 replies

seenthelight · 13/06/2008 02:56

ok, I am a mumsnet regular but I've changed my name as dp may snoop

I think I'm going to leave him, not right now i'm not strong enough for that but I'm starting to realize what a complete twat he is at times.

He is a complete control freak with money. I don't know why, only that he has got us into a tangled mess with debt, we have no money from week to week as we both don't work. He can't stick at a job for longer than 8 months for various reasons although he does job hunt when he feels like it. Before I met him I was a single parent who had a decent 9in my eyes) job and it paid well, me and the kids were never short and we were happy. Then we met, everything great at first. Then I got pg with my 3rd child and he ended up leaving his job because I had pg problems (and his general twatness).

I ended up leaving my job too which I shouldn't have done but he put me in a position where I felt I had no choice. He was crap at looking after the my first kids as he kept falling asleep (on nights) I worked in the day.

He has stolen hundreds of pounds in the past from my credit card account and my current account leaving me in horrendous debt and thats just the tip of the iceberg. He doesn't have a bank account so he puts his jobseekers in mine and he knows my pin and hides my cards from me. He controls EVERYTHING to do with money. He won't even let me go and get gas or electric. I've just got up now and hunted for them and I can't find his wallet anywhere. He leaves us short of money everyweek.

I had to take ds to the dentist by bus tues morning and he refused to give me any more than 4 pounds which wasn't enough to get us back to the school, so I had to walk a ile out of my way to get myself ds and dd2 on another cheaper bus.

I used to be so confident before I met him and now he has worn me down that much.

He isn't violent unless you include punching doors but he is emotionally abusive. He contantly reminds me that I'm a shit mum like his ex and I need tio have my money controlled. I have spoken to his ex a fair bit and she said he was like it with her but she had the courage to go but she was only just 18 with two little babies and she went and moved in the her mum. Not an option with me.

I feel battered because I lost my dad a year ago and now my nan is ill and my mum is the only person I have got and she really couldn't cope with all this.

He is lovely at times and very loving and good with dd2 but crap at times with my other kids and pretty much ignores his own when they are here (we have them every week)

Please I know you are all going to say dump him NOW but I haven't got the strength, I just need to know how to prepare myself for the future, i just don't know how to go about it. I still love him but I'm realistic.
I don't think he will ever change because we argue he promises never to hide my cards again then the next day they are hidden.

the house in in my tenancy.

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jabberwocky · 13/06/2008 05:05

Well, you've taken the first step and that is very important. firstly, I would try to establish an account only in your name and then begin to close the accounts that he knows about. I'm in the US and I don't know how credit cards may be different there but you may need to make up something such as "the cards got cancelled" etc. Going to a debt counsellor (the bona-fide type!) could help tremendously in getting your confidence back. Getting a job would boost it even further, imo. Take babysteps and take comfort in planning your new life. My ex-h was very controlling as was ex-p and leaving both of them was difficult and I planned it out covertly ahead of time. After the second disastrous relationship I also got counselling so that I stopped being attracted to that "type".

You can do this! MN will support you every step of the way.

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TimeForMe · 13/06/2008 06:40

Hi there

Well, the fact the tenancy for the house is in your name is a massive benefit! At least you won't have the problem of finding somewhere to live.
I agree with Jabberwocky that you should open a bank account of your own and maybe first of all arrange for your child benefit to be paid into it. I suspect you won't have much money to spare to be able to save if neither of you work but, bear in mind that every penny helps. If you can commit to putting a certain amount away each week and not touch it.

Once you do have the strength to get him to leave you will be able to claim benefits in your own right so you will probably be ok.

It might help you to take a look at the Womens Aid webiste and also to find your local refuge. They have a floating support worker who will meet you and discuss your options, they will help you with everything.

The first thing you need to do is get the strength to get him to leave. Can I ask why you don't feel strong enough at the moment?

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/06/2008 11:44

You are in a good position compared to many. You are not working so don't need to worry about childcare. You have the tenancy in your name so don't need to worry about somewhere to live. Can I ask what he gives you that you are not strong enough to do without? Sounds like you would be much better off without him.
First thing to do, either cancel cards and get new ones sent that he can't get the pin to, or open a new account. Have all payments put into that account except his JSA (why doesn't it go into his? I suspect he's overdrawn in it?)
Secondly, have a good long think about what he brings to the household apart from grief, and think about why you need him around. He doesn't love you, he loves controlling you. He's not an especially good dad and he makes your life harder, not easier.
Thirdly, when you are ready, tell him you want him to leave. If you are afraid of his reaction, make sure someone is with you when you do it. Then give him a reasonable length of time to make arrangements and if he doesn't leave, change the locks.
Good luck.

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JessJess3908 · 13/06/2008 11:48

I'm not sure if you need to save any cash before you leave him - as it sounds like you're surviving on nothing at the moment, so not having a penny when he leaves won't make a difference. It can't really get much worse than it is, if you see what i mean. If you do want to put something aside but can't face sorting everything out with the bank yet, leave a piggy bank at your mum's house that you can put a couple of quid into every week.

So i think the most important thing to do would be to concentrate on getting your emotional strength back. Be good to yourself - e.g. tell yourself at the end of every day that you are a good mum because x, y or z (you walked a mile out of your way to make sure your ds got dental treatment & an education - that's what a good mum does!). Visualise the better life you would like for your kids and plan how you are going to make it happen.

Also - talk to your mum. You might think she can't cope but she probably knows something is going on and is worried about you.

Good luck x

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YeahBut · 13/06/2008 12:00

Contact Women's Aid. They have dealt with it all before and can give you really good advice. website here
Agree with the idea of opening your own account. You could also tell the bank that you have lost the cards for the accounts you already have and get them to issue new cards. See if you can pick them up from a branch in person rather than have them sent to the house if your partner is likely to go through your mail.
Pack an emergency bag for yourself and the children and hide it somewhere in the house. Gather up all official documents for yourself and the children (passports, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, tenancy agreements etc.) and hide them away too in case you need to leave in a hurry.

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KatieScarlett2833 · 13/06/2008 12:38

Open a new bank account and phone Jobcentre and HMRC and have your benefits transferred/a new claim to IS made on the day you decide to split.

I second phoning Womens Aid for advice on how to get him out of the house.

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jabberwocky · 13/06/2008 15:30

How are you today, STL? Hold your ground on this. I know how they can suddenly become the seemingly perfect partner at times. Especially when you are getting ready to leave. I swear it's like they can smell that change is in the air!

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seenthelight · 13/06/2008 18:11

hi all thanks for replying. Today I got up and got the kids to school and went into town early before he even woke up. I withdrew everything that gotpaid in to the account today and actually managed to put a little aside.. not much just enough to get myself out of trouble ie just enough for emergency bus fares or food which I had nothing of in the week. We even used everything up in the cupboards and the freezer thats how bad it got.

I like the idea of seperate bank accounts and an organisation that supports my family (don't want to say too much) says I can have the paperwork going there if I do decide to set up a new account.

I know I'm better off without him but emotionally I feel I still need him. I'[ve been battered about a fair bit this year and I just don't feel ready to leave just yet.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/06/2008 21:56

I understand that you feel you aren't stronng enough...but does he really support you emotionally? I know it's hard being alone but isn't it better, for a while, than being with someone who makes you feel like crap a lot of the time? Just having him there for company can't be enough for you surely?

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seenthelight · 13/06/2008 22:36

He does to a certain extent. He was great when my dad died and he is always giving me loads of hugs. I do still love him I guess thats why its very hard. But I feel better now I'm starting to make these little contigency plans.

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jabberwocky · 13/06/2008 23:13

Congratulations on getting something done!!

Believe me, they can work you so that you feel you can't get along without them but you can and actually will do much better. It's hard to accept at this point but it's true. Just keep reminding yourself that you handled life before him and you will handle it even better after.

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