:( how do I stop.....

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

...asking so many questions?

DH has had an emotional affair over the past 6 months - I had my suspicions but only actually found out about a month ago - and I'm torturing myself by asking him questions about it. Which he is answering on the whole but somethings (like me wanting to know about what was said in a call he made at the beginning of Jan to OW) he says he can't remember and I start to read into it and drive myself mad with wondering

At my request he has given me his mobile bills and I have gone through them with a fine tooth comb, compared with bank statements etc and quizzed him endlessly to try and get things straight in my head.

The thing is I am gradually realising that the more questions I ask the more new ones I come up with and I'm on the verge of becoming obessed with knowing everything. Which I realise is not healthy and not helping us move on.

I hate being like this and I can sense that I am pushing him away with my constant questions.

The affair was a symptom of problems in our marriage and the pressure of the traumatic birth of our first child which we are working through with a counsellor.

I know a few of you have been in this situation and just wondered how you coped with the felings of insecurity and needing to know.

I really want to make my marriage work and I'm scared that instead I'm going to make it worse, whilst at the same time feling so angry at him for not just trying harder to remember/be honest with me

Feel like I am loosing the plot

[girlnextdoor]

You would feel better if you really tried NOT to think about it all. I know that sounds crazy, but to stand any chance of moving forward you really need to control your thoughts. The more you hang on to this, the more importance you- and your DH- will give it.

You cannot control another human being- we all have free choice who to talk to, who to marry and so on- if he wants to walk, he will. All you can do is try your best to build up your marriage which you seem to be doing by going for counselling.

You can control your behaviour- just don't ask those questions, don't read his phone bills etc etc- try to move on and focus on YOU and HIM- not you, him and her.

[scanner]

I would think the best thing you could do is repeat everything in your op to your dh. Just be totally honest with him and tell him that you're finding it hard to switch off from it and can see how much harm it could do to the relationship. It sounds like you need some serious full on reassurance and there's nothing wrong in asking for it.

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

Scanner I have asked for reassurance and he is trying to give it - just it's not enough to satisfy me Understandably he is getting fed up of coming home from work and me having a barrage of qu's at the ready

It's not helped by the fact that he works in the same office with her

GND - thanks - I am trying to change my behaviour which is what the counseling is helping with. Just that since I have found out that he was def having an affair I've lapsed and struggle to control my emotions and questionning.

just so sad that it has happened and so scared about the fuure

[HappyWoman]

It sounds as if you are not ready to 'fogive' him yet and that is ok - you dont need to have made a decision of what you now what yet.
By answering your questions it does sound as if he wants to make that effort though - so that is good.
I completely understand about wanting to find out everything - i think it is only natural. So firstly dont beat yourself up about it. And him saying he cant remember although probably true is a bit weak too. It was important enough to have to sneak behind your back in the first place, so i understand where you are coming from.
However i do think these things mean more to woman than they do men generally. My H says he cant remember the perfume he bought for ow but i bet she still can even though the affair is now well and truely over.

How about setting some time aside where you will ask him all the questions you have and then try and leave it for say a week. Any questions you have write them down so you have a clear idea of what you want to know - you may find that actually after a week they are not as important as you first thought anyway. This really does help and even now over a year on i still write questions down - mainly for myself now - i will also try to explore my own feelings by writing it down and again it does help get things clearer.

So dont panic - you are not going mad and dont feel bad if you really cannot get over this - it was not your fault however bad things were in your marriage - he should have sorted them out with you not someone else.

Take your time and be true to yourself and your feelings now they matter the most - not his for now. If he is prepared to help you get through this it will help prove to you that you are doing the right thing anyway.

[HappyWoman]

If you really cant stand the fact they work together then find a way to end all contact - it sounds drastic but it is hard to have her still in your life.

It is only a job after all- my h is about to leave his and this has been such a hard move for us all -but one that was needed. It does just eat to up however much they try to re-assure you.

Good luck.

[QuintessentialShadows]

I am sorry this has happened for you, but it is good that it is over. Or is it? If he works with her, how can he switch off?
What is his thoughts regards to the whole thing?
It is good that he wants to make a go at your marriage, but has he put the affair behind him and is he ready to move on from that? Is that what your fear is? Words can only ever be just that. Words. And as you know, he has been deceitful for a good six months, so it is hard to trust him now that he is not still deceiving you.

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

Thanks Happywoman

Just having a really bad day today, am sat here crying

Think it's cos he went to counselling for the first time on his own last night and I suppose I was expecting too much from the session (was hoping the one session would magically reveal what the root of the prob is and fix it! lol). Also I'm struggling cos not had a session myself this week and suppose I have been relying on it more than I realised to get me through the week We are going back together next week.

Think that what you say about men not realising how much such things mean to women. But part of me thinks he just wants me to stop asking questions so I don't find out more etc.

On the plus side he has

Emailed OW to say no contact other than necessary for work - and forwarded this on to me along with her reply.

Stopped having lunch with her

Stopped emailing, txting, calling or meeting her

Started couple counselling and went on his own to explore his 'issues' to help us move forward

Trying in the house by making dinner etc

Started saying that he loves me before leaving for work etc

Will ring me before leaving work each night.

Didn't go out for a group drink after work cos I was uneasy about it.

HOWEVER

He still isn't 100% sure what he wants. He has these doubts about us that have surfaced throughout the realtionship and this is whathe is trying to work through with the counselling. However because he is unsure he holds back and then I push and then we have a row and go back to square one.

For example last night when I questionned the call back in Jan - it was when I was still in hospital poorly after the birth of our LO. He had txt me to say he was at the car and then the bill shows he rang her for just under a minute. He says he can't remember why he rang and TBH it could have been work related or maybe she had txted to see how he was it COULD have been completely innocent and at that point I do think it was. BUT there is a niggling doubt in me and I can't help wondering if he was ringing her to say he was going round to see her. He says absolutely not but these are the kind of thoughts I have especially when he can't explain a situation.

If he can't explain a situation I have to 'work out' what it may have been or come up with a 'plausible' explanation which is often a product of my mind on overdrive.

Sorry to waffle Just really struggling today

[fawkeoff]

im sorry that your dealing with this shit , and it is easier said thatn done.....but you have to put all this behind you as much as you can if you want to work at the relationship.
you cant half heartedly forgive someone then keep bringing up the past.
I know it hurts but you must not let this consume you. Draw a line under it at home and speak about your fears on here or with your councellor

[email protected] can msn me if you want to chat at all x

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

Thanks fawkeoff - that's really kind of you - might msn later xx You;ve been through similar if I remember?

[fawkeoff]

i went through a break up 4 years ago....he moved in with someone 2 days after leaving....had a 6 month break.
We called it a day 3 weeks ago, just not in love with each other anymore so im now adjusting to being on my own.....this is a permanent split this time and ver amiccable

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

sorry to hear things didn't work out for you Fawkeoff

Going to get my ass in gear and do something for me and my LO to take my mind off things - well I can try

[fawkeoff]

yeah do summat with the LO....i just want to tell you that regardless of what happens in your future you child will be your constant in your life, you will draw so much strength because you a mother...dont live your life with regrets or consumed with hurt.
You are a strong woman and can come through this i know you can x

[CountessDracula]

I think you need to give yourself a break
A month is not long
it can take years to come to terms with this sort of thing

Can he leave his job? I feel that will be a big stumbling block on your road to recovery if he has to see her on a daily basis

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

CD - he could leave his job but has been there for over 10yrs and only just getting paid and benefits thathe deserves. OW on the other hand has been there just over a year. She rents and has no family here and is from a different part of the country. It would be far easier for her to move......

Sadly nothing I can do to encourage this - can only hope and apparently she did mention it during the affair...fingers crossed.

I'm going to try extra hard not to question everything and although I can't forgive or forget or trust atm I can try to start rebuilding this - obviosuly with his help.

Just going to try and get through each day - promising myself that I won't ask any questions tonight. Will leave the room if I have to rather than ask any tonight.

Think I will do as Happywoman suggests and write any questions down and agree a time to discuss them - say for 30 min each week then leave it otherwise. Going to be very hard (possibly impossible ) but I am going to put my all into it cos its the only way we will have a chance of making things work and of him falling back in love with me

[CountessDracula]

Have you tried emailing him?
You could get your thoughts down in a reasonable way and he could have some time to respond.

It would do you good to write too

[CountessDracula]

re his job
well he should have thought of that really before he started this affair!

How can he expect you to live with that situation?

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

cd the prob with emailing is he has time to concoct a reply but may be an idea . but tbh he is so bloody slow would take an age to reply and I would probably be unable to fight the urge to pester him to reply

[HappyWoman]

The trouble is you wont get peace until you are 100% happy that he is doing everything in his power to do.

I suspect he is not wanting you to know more details - men will tell you the minimum they can get away with - and his unwillingness to 'open up' is proof of this.

Him saying he is not sure is really not fair either - are you meant to just wait for him - is that what he wants?

If him not working with her is one of your needs then accept that and if he cannot or will not do that then you really do need to think if you are sure this is what you want now.
Sorry but you do need to think about you - and if he is too late in stepping up to the mark then he will lose you.

[stuffitllama]

Sorry, I don't know you, but would you be interested in hearing the perspective of a bloke who is in a similar situation to your husband. I'm not him, he's someone I know. But I won't barge in with it if it would offend you.

[girlnextdoor]

I know this is really hard for you, but by continuing to talk about it, you are keeping their "relationship" alive and kicking, in his head at least. You are constantly drawing his attention to it.

Instead of talking about HER talk about you and your DH- your dreams for the future, plan a holiday or a short break, or doing something together.

He will not want to be with you if all you do is whine about the OW- that might send him running straight back to her.

You sound as if you have issues with your own self-esteem- obviously this OW doesn't help, but maybe you ought to focus on you and how you behave,and try to behave as if she wasn't around.

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

thanks everyone. I really tried last night and this morning not to ask qu, touch him first etc generally act cool around him, and you know what he was more attentive, looked after LO more and kissed me twice before leaving for work.

So difficult to change my own behaviour but I know I have to and weill be a better person for it if I can.

stuffitllama - would be very interested to have a male perspective.....

[alpinemammal]

Hello Spinner I am very very sorry about this for you, it must be so hard to let go.

I can offer a male perspective, not from me (am girl!) but from someone who had an affair, regrets it completely, has no intention of leaving his wife, is going to counselling and wishes it had never happened. Does this fit with your dh do you think.

He says his wife is still finding it impossible to move on and he doesn't see how they can be happy until she can take that step. He still has no intention of leaving but doesn't see how the marriage can be a happy one unless things change. He knows that he is to blame and he understands that she needs to talk and worry. But he doesn't understand why she doesn't recognise the steps he's taken and the measures he still takes to reassure her that his commitment is with her and will be with her for life.

He says it's like there's no point in pretending the affair didn't happen it is now part of the baggage of their marriage which means it's a changed marriage -- but he thinks they can still happy if she will move on. He knows that is a difficult step and over two years has tried to help her. But he now feels they are going round in circles.

I suppose it fits with what girl next door says.

It's not advice really, and all men are different, it's just a male view.

[CountessDracula]

But there is a huge difference between two years and a month!

Seriously, he should be answering your questions and allaying your fears and telling you everything you want to know. He was the one who chose to go off and give himself emotionally to someone else. He has to bear the consequences of his actions. He has to be transparent and do everything he can to help you through.

If that means he has to answer questions for you to satisfy yourself that you know what you need to then so be it!

[CountessDracula]

alpinemammal is he related to you?
If not, nice that he is confiding in you about it

It's a bit "my wife doesn't understand me" isn't it!

(sorry that is prob totally unjustified but was the first thing I thought of when I read your post!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

thanks Alpine. Problem is at the moment DH is not 'in love' with me and this is what lead to the affair. He/we is/are going to counselling to expore his feelings and to see if we can get our marriage back but at the moment it isn't a given that we will stay together

so in answer to your question yes it does kind of fit with my DH but without the declaring he is commited to staying with me. Rather he is committed to seeing if we can stay together