Am I victim of abuse or is it all in my head?

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I have namechanged as my dp reads this and I am ashamed.

My dp has a reputation as one of the nicest men you will meet, everyone I know thinks I am lucky to have him and I am always being told this. He has taken on my child and dotes on her and works very hard to support our family. We have been together about 5 years.

Over the past year or so I have found that his temper is getting worse, he is controlling, suspicious and I feel like I am constantly talking on egg shells. I have tried to talk to dp about this and he gets angry and starts shouting and saying that if he is such a bad man he should leave and that it is all in my head and because I have encountered violence and aggression in my past I expect it now.

It is really hard to put my finger on what it is that is happening but I know that I have gone from being very confident to having zero confidence and that I am always having to apologise for myself and take the blame for everything. I live in fear of making him angry and know that i will walk around the house looking at the floor unable to look him in the eye worrying about getting in his way. This makes dp furious and he does over the top impersonations of me. This just makes me more nervous and it becomes a viscious circle.

If we have a row it has to be my fault and he has never every admitted to making a mistake. he tells me constantly how hard I am to live with and how much he has to put up with and yet he is also a very loving man and I know that he does a lot for me.

Every now and again he will explode and say that I treat him like a servant and that I never do anything for him and yet whenever I offer to do anything for him he says it doesn't matter and he needs nothing.

Yesterday I cooked a meal for my mum and me and afterwards I went in the kitchen to tidy up, he told me to go and sit down as I had cooked so he would tidy up. I tried to do it as I knew he would shout at me later but he insisted I sat down. Sure enough this morning he was shouting at me because he had tidied up after me.

He constantly criticises and belittles me usually over daft things so I feel petty bringing it up. For example earlier we were doing some homework with dd that involved making footprints. DD was behind me and I thought dp had washed her feet so I called her to me, so she got some paint on the carpet. He came in and went mad at me, I apologised and he just started shouting and saying, how many mistakes is that today then and it is a good job I have nothing better than to clean up after you.

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

walking on eggshells, not talking on them! I talk a lot but feel no need to talk on eggs

[beeny]

Poor you he sounds very controlling and not nice at all.I have read a lot of statements from women who have been physically or mentally abused he sounds like a classic.So sorrry again

[lazarou]

He sounds not nice. Telling you that you are worthless, that's basically the bottom line here. He's making you paranoid and you are doubting yourself.
You aren't worthless though and you deserve better.

[missingtheaction]

hmm - whatever you call it it's horrible and unreasonable. I think he is bullying you something rotton, and making himself feel good by belitteling you.

You are right, it has to stop. See a counsellor alone.

what would happen if you stood up to him? what are you scared of?

[Hassled]

To answer your OP, yes, I would say you were certainly a victim of emotional abuse. No-one should have to live like that. He's a controlling bully.

[SlapAndTickle]

walk away NOW before it gets violent

[beeny]

Forgot to add a lot of nasty men are very good actors to outside world

[snotbuster]

I think a lot of abusive men have 'nice guy' reputations. It makes it doubly hard when they are behaving completely differently at home - you feel like no one will believe you, you don't even believe yourself at times.
Have you told any RL friends what is going on? Or your Mum? Well done for posting on here - you need to start getting support and backup from other people.

[ALMummy]

If you are not sure that you are being abused - which from this post I would say that you most definitely ARE - get these books here and here. I have them both and I was exactly where you are about a year ago. The relief I felt when I read these books was immense and actually gave me the courage to start standing up to my DH.

Please look here as well.

I know only too well that feeling of having something done for you knowing that it will be thrown back in your face later or used for leverage when he wants something. He sounds incredibly controlling.

[blueshoes]

pretending, it sounds like your dp is doing your head and self-esteem in.

Do you know how your dp's previous relationships ended?

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

My mum as seen him having a go at me and she was very unhappy about it and said that I can;t carry on like it.

No one else knows, I think no one would believe me or think that I am being ultra sensitive as to the outside world it seems that I am the bolshy one who is in control.

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

She cheated on him which is where the suspicious bit comes from.

[Mamazon]

not all abuse is violance.
what you are describing is emotional abuse...and quite often the most damaging.

please please seek help and assistance in eaither regaining yoru self esteem so that you do not allow this man to treat you this way or to leave completley (the option i would much rather you chose)

this isn't in your head. he is controlling and aggressive.
please please speak to someone you trust about what is happening and get the help you need

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I am just scared of him shouting at me whenever I think about it I get a sick feeling in my stomach and want to sob uncontrollably.

When I have felt brave I say to him I think this is bullying and he gets really angry and says that I am trying to portray him as the bad guy when he isn;t and the problem is me.

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I am not stong enough to leave, I have a long standing illness and he is my carer, my dd also loves him to bits. I have tried to leave before and dd was just inconsolable and I could not do it to her.

[onepieceoflollipop]

This type of man often portrays a "charming" side to outsiders. He is messing with your head.

I have been there and it will get worse. (so sorry to say this but wanted to be realistic)

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

Maybe is I showed him the womans aid link he woudl realise that what he is doing is wrong. I genuinely think he thinks he is not doing anything wrong and I just take things too peronally.

[blueshoes]

pretending, your dp's 'suspicions' are enough to drive any woman away.

I'm sorry, but reading about your having to avert your eyes and walk on eggshells. And your mother saying you cannot live like this. And your daughter having to witness her mother being trod into the carpet ... please please believe that this is not normal. You and dd deserve so much better.

[blueshoes]

pretending, men like your dp have a sixth sense for going for seeking out the vulnerable. He will make you doubt your sanity first.

[Alambil]

Womens Aid says this (among a lot of other stuff) under their "what is Domestic Violence" bit:

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.


DD will get over it if you leave; she'll soon realise that the peace in the house without him there is phenominally better than having to witness the abuse he inflicts - whether she sees / hears it or not; she witnesses it. Trust me.

Ring Womens' Aid (0808 2000 247) if you need help; they'll know all your rights and help available with your caring needs too.

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

He does not outright accuse me of anything but if I go out from work he will ask who was there. One of my male friends from work is having a really hard time and whenever I call him I know dp is hovering and always quizzes me about what we spoke about.

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I am going to try talking to dp, am finding this very upsetting as I am having to deal with something I am trying to ignore.

[Alambil]

Womens Aid also say that's abuse too, pretending - I'm so sorry... its all levels of control

[Mamazon]

doesn't sound like he care's much at all.

What you need to thin of is the future for your daughter. do you want her to grow up thinking that the way he treats you is the way that all men should treat women?
that she should find herself a man who behaves to her the way he does to you? because that is what will happen. she will grow up thinking tis is normal, this is how all men behave to their wives.

Your illness is just another thing he can use to control you.
Your right, he probably doesn't think what he is doing is wrong...most abusers believe that it is the womans fault. that they are not doing anything wrong. its why they very rarely change

Even if you dont feel you are able to leave just now, please speak to someone about getting help.