Not sure how I feel anymore

[hadenoughofhim]

On Saturday dh & I had a huge row and he hit me, this isn't the first time as he has pushed me before a couple of different occasions.
He claims he doesn't remember doing it but I do and I'm wondering when to call it a day and say no more?
I don't know how I feel about him anymore but I don't want to mess the kids up by taking them away from him plus wouldn't know where to go how to start etc.
I really don't know though if I want to work things out anymore

[Barnical]

get out of the relationship. he's done it before , and he's very likey to do it again!
IME you will not mess the dcs up by getting out of an abusive relationship.

[WingsofaAngel]

Why does he not remember hitting you ? Was he drunk ?
There is alot for you to think about I don't think the children would ever thank you for staying in a violent relationship.
You don't have to go immediately and you have time to put actions in place in order for you to leave in the near future.

[Niecie]

Is he saying he doesn't remember so that he doesn't have to apologise?

Get out. Sort somewhere to go quickly, pack your bags and leave.

His behaviour is escalating. He could do something worse next time.

Do you have any RL friends or family you can confide in?

[hadenoughofhim]

He wasn't drunk - quite wound up.
He wanted to know why I was so upset (apart from having the argument etc) and I told him he had hit me and he asked when so I told him. He tried appologising then and is still trying to be nice to me but I don't know anymore.
I have told a friend and she has said she will help me if I want it but I don't know that one punch is worth walking out on him for but to try and get him to get help. He grew up watching his Father throw things & hit his mother so I wonder if I can point that out to him that he might get himself help before it is too late

[madamez]

He punched you. That's not a slap, or a push, or a desperate lashing out, that's a punch. COntact WOmen's Aid, find out your rights, get a good escape plan ready, then if you want, have one last conversation with him about how he needs anger management/counselling - and if he gets angry and punches you again, call the police and get him removed from the house.

[girlnextdoor]

You sound as if you are making excuses for him- you are not his mum, trying to sort him out- you are his wife and he is an adult who should be able to control his behaviour and find the help he needs.

"I wonder if I can point out to him...." this statement sounds so controlled and a bit of an understatement! Where is YOUR anger over what he has done?

HOW many chances are you going to give him?

[WingsofaAngel]

Whether it is one punch or twenty it is not acceptable for him to be like this. He needs to sort it out and get help. What if he did it to one of the children ?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Of course he remembers each time he has hit you - there is never any justification whatsoever for violence. Him saying he cannot remember is a lie.

You will not mess up the children by getting out of an abusive relationship but you will mess them up in all sorts of ways by staying in a relationship where violence is present (your DH saw violence when he was growing up and look at him now). This is often learnt behaviour - you yourself write that his own father did this to his Mum. You do NOT want your children to grow up in a violent household.

Women's Aid are very good and I will put up their web details for you. I urge you to both read their webpage and make contact with them for your own sake. You are ultimately only responsible for your own self as well as your children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.womensaid.org.uk

[hadenoughofhim]

I am angry over what he has done as he knows my views on violent relationships.
I have 2 dc's with him and don't want to walk away just like that if he can get help.
I am partly to blame as I started the argument which was probably over something pathetic and got very angry about things but I never use violence.
He thinks I have anger issues too.

[SixSpotBurnet]

Go, in the name of God go.

[fransmom]

you are not to blame for him hitting you. he has to take the responsibility for that, you cannot it was not your action.

if you are not yet ready to leave him, i would follow advice that custardo posted on a similar thread. (bad memory sorry but similar to get together a bag with absics in should you need to leave in emergency. things such as important documents, passports, birth certificates, changes of clothings for you and dchild(ren), toiletries hairbrushes etc. find somewhere safe to stash it so that you can get to it when you need to.

there is so much support on here sweetheart with whatever you decide to do. there are some that will judge as in rl, but there are those who will truly support you come what may.

please get help and find a friend that you can trust xxxxx

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are not to blame for his behaviour - he is at fault here. I give you the following from the Womens Aid webpages in response to your most recent posting:-

"It?s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it?s very difficult to change and so isn?t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it?s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he?ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

It?s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he?s ?cured?, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they?ll be able to give you further information and support.

You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he?s dealing with the reasons why he?s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it?s clear that he hasn?t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he?s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.

Your partner is the only person who is responsible for the abuse. Consequently he?s the only person who can change what?s happening. It?s only natural to want to help someone that you are in an intimate relationship with and it can be difficult to realise that this isn?t really possible. If in some way, he blames the abuse on your actions then this shows that he?s not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. It?s likely that if you change aspects about yourself or your behaviour in order to appease him, he will eventually find some other ?reason? to be abusive towards you.

If your partner wants to change his behaviour, then he?ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

You can take positive action yourself ? for example, by removing yourself from the situation, reporting his abuse to the police so that he?s held accountable, or using legal means to prevent him from being able to hurt or harass you.

It?s a misconception that an abusive relationship is violent all the time. If a partner was violent and abusive all the time and from the outset of a relationship, you?d be unlikely to get into a relationship with him ? or to stay with him very long if you had. This is what makes it so difficult for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Often a woman doesn?t want the relationship to end, she just wants the violence to stop. However, unless he?s addressing the reasons for his violence towards you, remember that it?s likely to happen again. Unfortunately what usually happens is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity over time. It might help to talk to someone (like Womens Aid) who help you look at your options".

[Niecie]

Go. If you want to, help him get help but do it afterwards, from a safe distance but don't stay around for him to do it again.

It is not partly your fault he hit you especially over something you say was pathetic.

[girlnextdoor]

You sound as if you a problem with low self esteem- and you are wanting to take the blame away from him and put some of it on yourself.

Are you sure you are not using your children as an excuse- to cover up your own fears of standing on your own 2 feet- without this man?

Many women who are bullied or who live with violent men do so because that relationship has taken away their self-esteem and self-respect.

Don't fall into that trap.

[hadenoughofhim]

Thank you,
I will talk to him and tell him how I feel.
That is good advise about keeping a bag packed ready to go I shall do that.
I just thought that because it isn't a regular occurance it isnlt a problem but I'm starting to think that it is getting a bigger problem now.
If I Hadn't been in the car with the kids I would have walked off at the time - I did stop the car and walk off but couldn't leave the kids.
I need to get stronger to get through it and make definate decisions.
I think part of it is being scared to change the life I have had for the last 8 years

[LuXander]

You have to leave, your children will be far more messed up by him hitting you, than by you leaving him.
What if they grow up like him?
What if he "gets wound up" and hits one of them?
Please leave.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its never too late to change your life for the better and you certainly do not want another 8 years of violence from him. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions and will therefore likely not change.

Your children are learning from you both; we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

[fransmom]

sweeetheart, it doesn't sound as though you have really had a life from the first time he hit you. he may or may not do it again but he has already done it more than once. i was with xp for 4years on and off and i couldn't trust him properly. i wa sbeing controlled and emotionally abused (there are different types of abuse, not just physical). i felt like a lone parene for ages and i couldn't let dd grow up thinking that was the norm for adult relationships and got hrought the same things i have with her dad. i finally made the decision to leave him in september, i asked him to move out - i wasn't going to move as i would be main carer for dd. he has admitted in the past that if he couldn't control the situation then he would try and control the people involved. and you know what? he has said several times he has changed but wait a couple of months/weeks down the line and - you guessed it, he hasn't changed a bit.

to cut a very long story short, i made the decision and although i soemtimes make 2 steps forward, three back, most of the time i am taking strides forward and onnly steps back. all of the time iam glad that i made that decision becasue dd is os much happier and i am happier. strength will come with time sweetheart when y ou realise that you are strong and you can make those kind of decisions.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And if you talk to him he will likely not listen to your entreaties. He has not done so up till now has he and you write as well that he knows your view re violent relationships.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And if you talk to him he will likely not listen to your entreaties. He has not done so up till now has he and you write as well that he knows your views re violent relationships.

[coolbeans]

OK ? all this ?go, now? stuff might be freaking you out, as I don?t think you feel as though one punch is a serious problem. It?s pretty hard to get your head round terms like "abuse" and "violence", anyway. That?s OK. For now.

But the fact that you are posting shows that you know somewhere inside that his behaviour is not on. By all means, if you feel safe enough and you think that he would be open to counselling, anger management, then explore those actions.

But you also need to keep yourself safe ? read the WA website, there is loads of advice there. Doesn?t matter how he grew up, what he saw, how angry he gets. He should not hit you. You don?t deserve it, you don?t need to put up with it and your kids do not need to see it.

[MrsMacaroon]

Often the best decisions are the hardest....

[Anniegetyourgun]

He punched you when you were driving? With the children in the car? Ooh, I feel all wobbly

[hadenoughofhim]

We were stationary at the time.
I had gone back home to lock the back door that he had left wide open and he couldn't see a problem in carrying on to drop him off as he was going to be late.
I got the blame for leaving the door open even though I hadn't been out in the back garden