Inappropriate way to talk to children?

[needtonamechangeforthis]

My DH sometimes talks to our DCs in a way I feel is inappropriate and in my book abusive. Today for example he referred to something that got broken by "you two little bastards". Other times he refers to my DS as a pratt or little git. I've taken him to task over this time after time. He just tells me to F* off. Yet this isn't the way he talks most of the time. Part of me wants to take the children and get away. But perhaps this will be worse for the children in the long run?

[mummyofaprincess]

he has no right to talk to your children like this!

Maybe his parents talked to him like that when he was growing up?

i`m still a bit at how he can bring himself to talk to his own children that way!

Hugs x

[frostythesnowmum]

I am afraid I am guilty of this too [occassionally] and I heard my dh tell my 2 year old to "sod off" before

[Lio]

OK, I will admit to speaking horribly to my children sometimes. The difference between me and your husband is that I recognise it happens when I am tired and frustrated and angry, and I think I am wrong to do it.

[pinkspottywellies]

It upsets me when I hear people talking like this to children. I wouldn't talk to anyone like that let alone my children.

[southeastastra]

alot of people talk like this naturally, it's just a word

[soapbox]

How utterly horrible.

I could not bear to be with someone who spoke to my children like that - there really isn't any possible excuse.

As for telling you to f-off - well that is equally vile!

[dirtygertiefromnumber30]

when you say he 'sometimes' talks to your dc's like this, how often do you mean? Is he a loving father in other ways? I think you need to look at this in the whole context of his parenting before you make any decisions.

[needtonamechangeforthis]

for the most part, he's a really great Dad. Very hands on, shares parenting responsibility in every way. But in my mind, this one issue is so serious, it's as if he were beating the children. And if he was beating them, I'd take them away. Am I over-reacting (he thinks I am)?

[margoandjerry]

I'd mainly be wary of using that language in front of them for fear they would pick it up but obviously if he's genuinely using it to demean and abuse them, then it's also going to damage them.

But your second post makes it sound as though that's not what he thinks he's doing. Does he think he's just referring to them in a crudely jokey but basically friendly way? (My brother once called his children "a couple of idiots" - they were 1 and 2 at the time so too young to understand and it wasn't in their earshot but it became a sort of family joke because it really was almost a term of endearment - I guess you had to be there...)

Can you tell us how it comes across when he says these things? I'm not saying it's right but it's worth understanding the emotion behind his words. Is it blokey talk (you know how men sometimes refer to each other like that) or is it aggressive/angry?

[dirtygertiefromnumber30]

it's hard to say if youre overreacting. Is he very aggressive when he calls them names? As southeastra said, they are only words.

My grandad was from the northeast and would often talk to us kids like that 'you little buggers/gits' etc but he was the biggest softie youve ever met. Thats why you have to look at the bigger picture. If he is agressive and threatening generally then it's a different story.

[dirtygertiefromnumber30]

x posts margo!

[peacelily]

Afraid to say that whatever the context this is emotional abuse. YANBU try to sort it ASAP

[OverRated]

[CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell]

How was he spoken to as a child?

Imagine if someone close to you referred to you as a "stupid tart"? How would that make you feel? Especially if they called you that on a regular basis.

Now you are an adult who can reason, but these are children, so whatever you felt for that question, triple it for your children.

He has to stop. These are your children ffs! If a stranger called them that you'd take issue, yet you allow your dh to call them those names. Stand up for your kids!

[paulaplumpbottom]

It doesn't sound like he speaks to you very nicely either. He needs to sort himself out.

[bunnyhohohunny]

is it said in a demeaning way?
we call ds buggerlugs, monkeyface and all sorts. but then dh is referred to as 'cheese' (not related to my recent pizza posting)

[jenk1]

my SIL is horribly guilty of doing this, regularly screams you little T and C and the worst was when her toddler had done a dirty nappy and she screamed at him you little Ba*** you can sit in that now.

horrible horrible woman, needless to say i didnt have much to do with her before and definately not now me and dh have split up.

[meemar]

jenk - that makes my stomach turn - how awful.

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your children 'you two little bastards'. Even if he is not saying it in an abusive way, it is not the type of language to teach a child.

[titchy]

Cliff - my SIL and I call each other stupid tarts! but obviously in an affectionate jokey way. I think the manner in which he says it is more important than the words he uses, and how his relationship with them is generally. If he uses those words affectionately then really the only issue is whether you want the dcs to mimic him and use those words themselves in the playground or at school. However if he says those things in a threatening manner or to humiliate or put them down in some way then that's seems to be quite a bullying attitude which you may want to address.

[lilacclaire]

If he's alright in other ways like you say and he's not overly aggresive with it, then I can see why your annoyed but I wouldn't leave.

[LittleSusiesMum]

My DP is guilty of this sometimes. He in not physically aggressive to me or the DC's however he does loose his rag easily & is guilty of calling me (in particular) all sorts of vile names. I have thought about leaving too on occasion but will the kids be worse off? he is the breadwinner.

[ScarletA]

namechange - my dp has never spoken to the kids like yours but he has told me to fuck off in front of them on several occasions. Each time I really took him through it - how it is unacceptable, disrespectful, what the children will learn about how a man can speak to a woman (my ds told my dd to fuck off when she did something he didn't like once - I reported this back to dp). All of it worked for a while, a few months, longer sometimes and then something would happen and he'd swear at me in front of them again. The last time he did it - and I mean The Last Time - I told him I was going to leave him. Sounds drastic but that is truly how I felt. It scared him so much that he has never done it again - he knows that there are limits to what I will put up with.

The point I am trying to make is that ime, men don't 'hear' what you say, but they do hear when you do. Actions speak louder than words. It is totally unacceptable to speak to children like he is, and to speak to you in the same way too. It totally depends on your relationship and how powerful you feel in it - but it worked for me!