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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do most people have a "what if....?" guy or it is just me?

39 replies

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:07

The current thread entitled something like "Were you madly in love or did you just settle?" has got me thinking.

Okay. Been with dh since we were 18, married age 25. Slight blip during that time before we were married when I was with someone else for a very short time. He was a friend, and still is. Due to circumstances/choices I went back to my now-dh. Don't see the other guy very often but email a lot and have a great connection. Problem is that lately I've been wondering something along the lines of "what if we'd stayed together....?"

I love, respect and admire my dh. He's my hero. We have 3 healthy, beautiful children. So why do I keep raking up the past? I don't want to jeopardise what I have in any way and feel so guilty. I would be devastated if I found out dh had been thinking like this. I can't see any way to stop this apart from cutting all contact with my friend. Is this a common problem? It's not something I feel I can talk to my friends about. Do I just need a healthy dose of pragmatism or is something wrong with my relationship?

I would be so grateful for any suggestions or to hear of similar experiences.

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DrNortherner · 15/12/2007 21:11

I think it's normal tbh. There is more than 1 Mr Right for us out there, and it's not really normal for humans to be monagamous. We simply choose to be. This does not stop us dreaming/thinking/fantasising.

It's like shopping for shoes, and you fall in love wit 2 pairs of shoes, but you can only have 1 pair. Both are fab but in very different ways. you finally choose a pair, and they are loveley, but sometimes, you think the other pair would have gone better with certain things, event tough there is nothing wrong with the lovley pair yuo chose.

As long as we keep it that no there is no harm done. It's if you act on it when it can be dangerous.

digitalgirl · 15/12/2007 21:16

are you going through a bit of a romantic lull with your DH?

thoughts of 'what if...' usually crop up when you're not feeling particularly fulfilled. could be in your relationship, could be something else. but if you say your DH is your hero, you love and respect him then it will pass. don't worry about it, get on with filling your life with distractions that don't make you question decisions you say you're happy with.

perhaps cut down on contact with friend...you might find you end up cutting it out altogether as you move on to other things that take up your time.

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:18

Love the shoe analogy. So do you think most people are like this then?

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expatinscotland · 15/12/2007 21:22

Oh, yes, several.

But everything happens for a reason, so there's no such thing as 'what if', there is just what is and what will be.

I don't believe in 'The One' or 'soulmates' at all and agree with Dr. Northerner in that there can be more than one person who is right for you. I mean, haven't we all known people whose partner or spouse died or left them and they went on to find equally true happiness with someone else? Or just on their own?

Entirely possible.

I think there can be those, however, who knew you on some level that others, including your spouse, cannot, for whatever reason.

And again, that is how they know you and you must accept this.

'There are so many different kinds of love in the world.'

So why restrict oneself, especially to someone else's paradigm?

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:24

digitalgirl, we are going through some changes, dh has a new job, we will be moving, he's away more than usual, so I suppose things are a bit stressful. Not sure about a romantic lull, the last few years have been all little babies and toddlers which speaks for itself. Having spoken to friends and followed threads on here, I think we were lucky in that we never found the changes brought on by each child too difficult to cope with. To be honest I've wondered on and off for years but it seems to be happening more lately which might be because I'm surfacing from the baby years (dc3 now 2).

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threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:27

forgot to say....I hate the thought of cutting contact with my friend.

expat I agree totally - there are people who get you exactly and who are completely on your wavelength. That's it exactly - I'm not sure dh always does and it makes me a bit sad sometimes. I suppose you never get everything from one person.

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digitalgirl · 15/12/2007 21:29

new job and away a lot more, and now your resurfacing. yep, sounds like all the things that happened to me (except the children) when I started pondering. the thing is not to let these pondering thoughts turn into anything more than that...perhaps book some time for you and DH to spend together (maybe without kiddies?), so you can remind each other why you're together and not with anyone else.

DrNortherner · 15/12/2007 21:29

Hi expat. How you doing?
xx

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:35

yes we do need to spend more time alone. We live abroad so no family nearby to help. With dh away so much (weeks at a time) at the moment it's not on for the near future. With him away I need my friends even more - oh dear, I can almost hear the replies to this....

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expatinscotland · 15/12/2007 21:39

You are right, threekings. Except in rare circumstances, it's nigh on impossible to get everything from one person. But there is nothing abnormal or unusual in this and instead of being sad in this, perhaps focus on these friendships and connections and take pleasure and joy in them, in the company of more than one, and the support it brings in so many things in life.

Hiya, Northerner! I have good days and bad, as we all do. Still some days it is a shock, and I think of the baby's death. But the good in it is that maybe it can help me be more understanding of others, of their own private sadness and fears. I hope!

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:43

I see what you mean, expat, but how do I stop thinking of that particular friend as more than a friend? He is still single and has told me he would have liked us to have stayed together. It would be easier to move on completely if he had found someone else.

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DrNortherner · 15/12/2007 21:45

Expat you will never forget. But it gets easier to bear IYKWIM. It's another chapter in your life.
xx

digitalgirl · 15/12/2007 21:46

you sound a bit lonely, could you get some family or friends (maybe not 'that' friend) to come visit in the new year?

what about xmas? is he away then?

expatinscotland · 15/12/2007 21:48

But he hasn't, three. YOU have. He needs to accept that.

Have you told him this?

Would he be adverse to seeing this thread, if you can't face telling him?

I've been in this situation, FWIW, fairly recently, and oddly enough before I married DH and had the girls I was Miss Desperate and nothing this romantic/dramatic would ever have happened to me, but now it has, twice.

And there is that wistfulness, particularly with one, who was a former lover.

It's not easy to level with them.

But it's not fair to keep them hanging on, either.

There will always be that longing.

But you made the choices you did for a reason.

And things are how they are now.

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:54

digitalgirl, I have loads of friends so I don't feel lonely. Obviously it's not the same as having your partner around though.

expat, my friend has never put pressure on me or anything. He just told me the way he feels, and we haven't had that kind of conversation for ages. He knows the way things are and accepts it. It's me that's the problem. So do you just accept the wistfulness? It makes me feel guilty, as if I should be feeling that way for my dh.

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jetson · 15/12/2007 21:54

You are totally right that you never get everything from one person; that would be near impossible, but luckily we're not trapped on a desert island with our DHs and we can have friends, really good friends both male and female, friends that we love even. A man who gets you exactly will be an amazing lifelong friend; it doesn't mean you will be any happier with him than you would be with your hubby. Often opposites attract and you might have a better buzz with a husband who doesn't quite get you as he'll always find you facinating and abit mysterious. Think hard about how it would be if you acted on these urges-crap maybe and really grim basically as you would risk splitting up your marriage, upsetting things for your kids, hurting your hubby very deeply; basically throwing things into chaos. I mean I'm not saying everyone has to stay with their DH's whatever, but realise that going off with the other guy might make a huge mess of things (especially as you have kids) and frankly if he's a really lovely lifelong friend then don't risk losing that by having an affair as that'll put your relationship in a whole different sphere which might not be as nice as the cosy emailing and chatting loving friendship you have now. I had a thing with a guy when I was 19, split up after a very short time, and 22 years later we are the most best of friends still. I value that so much as I can winge to him about hubby if i need to; i can talk to him about old times and friends we knew back then that hubby doesn't know; I can get advice from a male perspective on personal realtionship issues from him, like "why the hell would hubby act like that?!!" It's really close and really lovely and I think that's often worth more than an affair that can cause damage. I can also have a little flirt with someone who fancied me when I was 19, and that's quite a thrill when you're 41!!! My hubby is a real Men are from Mars bloke so we don't always have the greatest communication but he's gorgeous, sexy, works hard, lovely Dad. Drives too fast, is in no way in touch whatsoever with his feminine side but like I say you can't get everything from one person. It's more fun having loads of close people i your life than just being all tied up with one partner anyway. Good luck. Enjoy the flirt but keep your head!

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 21:55

oh yes he's away over Christmas. I'll visit family.

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jetson · 15/12/2007 21:56

You are totally right that you never get everything from one person; that would be near impossible, but luckily we're not trapped on a desert island with our DHs and we can have friends, really good friends both male and female, friends that we love even. A man who gets you exactly will be an amazing lifelong friend; it doesn't mean you will be any happier with him than you would be with your hubby. Often opposites attract and you might have a better buzz with a husband who doesn't quite get you as he'll always find you facinating and abit mysterious. Think hard about how it would be if you acted on these urges-crap maybe and really grim basically as you would risk splitting up your marriage, upsetting things for your kids, hurting your hubby very deeply; basically throwing things into chaos. I mean I'm not saying everyone has to stay with their DH's whatever, but realise that going off with the other guy might make a huge mess of things (especially as you have kids) and frankly if he's a really lovely lifelong friend then don't risk losing that by having an affair as that'll put your relationship in a whole different sphere which might not be as nice as the cosy emailing and chatting loving friendship you have now. I had a thing with a guy when I was 19, split up after a very short time, and 22 years later we are the most best of friends still. I value that so much as I can winge to him about hubby if i need to; i can talk to him about old times and friends we knew back then that hubby doesn't know; I can get advice from a male perspective on personal realtionship issues from him, like "why the hell would hubby act like that?!!" It's really close and really lovely and I think that's often worth more than an affair that can cause damage. I can also have a little flirt with someone who fancied me when I was 19, and that's quite a thrill when you're 41!!! My hubby is a real Men are from Mars bloke so we don't always have the greatest communication but he's gorgeous, sexy, works hard, lovely Dad. Drives too fast, is in no way in touch whatsoever with his feminine side but like I say you can't get everything from one person. It's more fun having loads of close people i your life than just being all tied up with one partner anyway. Good luck. Enjoy the flirt but keep your head!

expatinscotland · 15/12/2007 21:58

Yes, I just accept the wistfulness and stop feeling guilty about being a normal human being!

I learned to separate what I feel from what I do when it's in my best interest because I kept getting hurt and others were getting hurt and it isn't worth it 9 times out of 10.

In fact, I now revel in the wistfulness, it's the stuff of great fiction, film and romantic legend, after all.

MerryPIFFLEmas · 15/12/2007 21:59

oh yeah mr right
and mr right now

timing is the key...

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 22:05

thanks, jetson, that all sounds very familiar. You dh sounds similar to mine - communication can be a bit lacking. Particularly difficult just now as phone/email is all we have for quite long spells. Sometimes the emails I get from my dh are like something from the bank. I realise more and more how important good communication and a mental connection are to me. I can't expect it all to suddenly flow out of my dh, but that's what I have with my good friend. I just wish I could stop feeling guilty about it, but then I think how I would feel if dh had this kind of close friendship with a woman. I'm not sure how well I would handle that.

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expatinscotland · 15/12/2007 22:08

First thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up for being a normal human being, threewee.

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digitalgirl · 15/12/2007 22:10

but you haven't actually 'done' anything three, just thought about it. stop beating yourself up about it and put some thought into how you can get more out of your DH. if you can still maintain contact with your friend without it going any further then that's your decision to make, but if you think your friend wants to take it further then as ex-pat said be level with him and don't lead him on.

threeweekings · 15/12/2007 22:10

So it's not just me then. Phew.

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threeweekings · 15/12/2007 22:14

You answered very diplomatically digitalgirl. Sending emails to my friend is one thing but I would be slightly nervous to see him in case I went a bit wobbly!

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