First, thanks to anyone who reads as I don't really know where to start so think this will be a bit of a garbled mess.
I am just feeling so lonely, and alone right now. The two people I always thought were good for me - my DP and my mum - are both pissing me off no end in their various ways.
I've posted about DP before but things have moved on, not sure where I stand with him anymore. Our DS is nearly 7 weeks old and DP is finally bonding - in fact he's great with him. When I watch him chattering away to DS and playing, there's a moment where my heart melts, I love DP again, and can imagine having a whole bunch of babies with him.
Then reality kicks back in and in my mind I pack and leave and imagine being happy on my own - I don't think DP likes me as a mother. He (still) hates me breastfeeding and I'm getting angry about it. I feel like he has ruined it for me and I can only be greatful that I've not had any problems bf'ing as if I had I don't know how I would have coped - and so I just hope I don't come into trouble as 7 weeks is still so early... I will never breastfeed in front of DP's family because I am starting to not want to do it in front of him. And I don't think I'll ever have the confidence to do it in public so feel like my time out of the house is really restricted.
DP should have supported me and it pisses me off that after 7 weeks he hasn't found it within himself to be a bit bloody self-analytical and ask himself what his fucking problem is, and sort it out. Instead he claims to not know why exactly it bothers him, just that it does.
He has asked me for two things: end dates for breastfeeding, and co-sleeping. DS is in with me and DP hates this too and so is on the sofa. I bought a 'spare' bed so he could be comfortable but he refuses to use it - I think this way, the sofa is 'temporary'. I might be able to put DS in a bedside cot, but cannot imagine moving him to his own room for as long as I am doing night feeds - feeding in the night is quite nice at the moment, why would I choose to end it?
As for breastfeeding, I didn't know how I'd find it, if I'd want to do it, and now I am I love it, I don't want to commit to stopping at say, six months, as when DS is six months he and I might both be enjoying it still so why should I say that's when I'll stop?
These two things are becoming real sticking points and lead to conversations that run into arguments where DP goes on about hating that we have no time together, I reply that he is welcome to sleep in our bed but chooses not to, and I'll shout at him that this is what having a tiny baby is like, but try to remind him that DS is only going to be so tiny for a short time, there will be a structured bedtime at some point, but we're all still finding our feet... We keep deciding to split up, then getting sad and saying we still love each other so will try to stick it out. This is happening about once a week.
Today when we went through this bloody routine again, DP said first that he dreads coming home from work a bit in case DS is crying, and wonders if I'll pass DS to him as soon as he's through the door - don't think I've ever done this actually, but DS is settled so quickly by DP when he is agitated and I sometimes have trouble calming him down. I thought DP enjoyed being so 'good' at this, IYSWIM. He also said he can't wait each evening for me to take DS to bed so he has some 'me time'. So now I'm going to spend evenings paranoid that I should be going to bed earlier to get out of his way.
The reason I'm upset with my mother is that she so readily sympathises with DP - I can see some merit in some of what he says but he is supposed to be on my side - isn't that what mothers do? She always plays devil's advocate, about anything - she was the same when I was having problems with my boss, always seeing her POV and not mine - I know she means well but sometimes you just want someone to agree with you and acknowledge that you're hurting and that it's valid.
She also ignores me when I talk - today I was trying to explain what DP said about coming home and she was cooing over DS at the time - I know she's a besotted Nanna and I love that she loves DS so much but she was here to chat to me so the least she could do is listen when I talk. It's not as though she was in a hurry, or that I was interrupting her.
And she keeps criticising my parenting - she is super supportive of breastfeeding which is great but she thinks I should put a deadline on it, and co-sleeping, thinks that at 6 months on the dot the baby should be in his own room. And holding off weaning until 6 months and not having a rigid routine... she's great in so many ways but when it is clear all I need is some support, why does she have to be critical.
I just don't know what to do. Is my relationship over? I know that it's so early with DS but perhaps having a baby really is the end for some relationships, as sad as it would be. I have it pretty good here. DP earns well in a not-too-stressful job, we have a beautiful house in a nice area, I do not 'have' to return to work next year, and on paper things couldn't be better - but what goes on between two people really goes beyond their circumstances.
I'm not sure if I want advice, sympathy, or a kick up the arse, but I had to get this out as I've really no one else to talk to.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Angry, tired and tearful
ItCameUponAMidnightClara · 08/12/2007 19:06
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