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Relationships

Angry, tired and tearful

31 replies

ItCameUponAMidnightClara · 08/12/2007 19:06

First, thanks to anyone who reads as I don't really know where to start so think this will be a bit of a garbled mess.

I am just feeling so lonely, and alone right now. The two people I always thought were good for me - my DP and my mum - are both pissing me off no end in their various ways.

I've posted about DP before but things have moved on, not sure where I stand with him anymore. Our DS is nearly 7 weeks old and DP is finally bonding - in fact he's great with him. When I watch him chattering away to DS and playing, there's a moment where my heart melts, I love DP again, and can imagine having a whole bunch of babies with him.

Then reality kicks back in and in my mind I pack and leave and imagine being happy on my own - I don't think DP likes me as a mother. He (still) hates me breastfeeding and I'm getting angry about it. I feel like he has ruined it for me and I can only be greatful that I've not had any problems bf'ing as if I had I don't know how I would have coped - and so I just hope I don't come into trouble as 7 weeks is still so early... I will never breastfeed in front of DP's family because I am starting to not want to do it in front of him. And I don't think I'll ever have the confidence to do it in public so feel like my time out of the house is really restricted.

DP should have supported me and it pisses me off that after 7 weeks he hasn't found it within himself to be a bit bloody self-analytical and ask himself what his fucking problem is, and sort it out. Instead he claims to not know why exactly it bothers him, just that it does.

He has asked me for two things: end dates for breastfeeding, and co-sleeping. DS is in with me and DP hates this too and so is on the sofa. I bought a 'spare' bed so he could be comfortable but he refuses to use it - I think this way, the sofa is 'temporary'. I might be able to put DS in a bedside cot, but cannot imagine moving him to his own room for as long as I am doing night feeds - feeding in the night is quite nice at the moment, why would I choose to end it?
As for breastfeeding, I didn't know how I'd find it, if I'd want to do it, and now I am I love it, I don't want to commit to stopping at say, six months, as when DS is six months he and I might both be enjoying it still so why should I say that's when I'll stop?

These two things are becoming real sticking points and lead to conversations that run into arguments where DP goes on about hating that we have no time together, I reply that he is welcome to sleep in our bed but chooses not to, and I'll shout at him that this is what having a tiny baby is like, but try to remind him that DS is only going to be so tiny for a short time, there will be a structured bedtime at some point, but we're all still finding our feet... We keep deciding to split up, then getting sad and saying we still love each other so will try to stick it out. This is happening about once a week.

Today when we went through this bloody routine again, DP said first that he dreads coming home from work a bit in case DS is crying, and wonders if I'll pass DS to him as soon as he's through the door - don't think I've ever done this actually, but DS is settled so quickly by DP when he is agitated and I sometimes have trouble calming him down. I thought DP enjoyed being so 'good' at this, IYSWIM. He also said he can't wait each evening for me to take DS to bed so he has some 'me time'. So now I'm going to spend evenings paranoid that I should be going to bed earlier to get out of his way.

The reason I'm upset with my mother is that she so readily sympathises with DP - I can see some merit in some of what he says but he is supposed to be on my side - isn't that what mothers do? She always plays devil's advocate, about anything - she was the same when I was having problems with my boss, always seeing her POV and not mine - I know she means well but sometimes you just want someone to agree with you and acknowledge that you're hurting and that it's valid.

She also ignores me when I talk - today I was trying to explain what DP said about coming home and she was cooing over DS at the time - I know she's a besotted Nanna and I love that she loves DS so much but she was here to chat to me so the least she could do is listen when I talk. It's not as though she was in a hurry, or that I was interrupting her.

And she keeps criticising my parenting - she is super supportive of breastfeeding which is great but she thinks I should put a deadline on it, and co-sleeping, thinks that at 6 months on the dot the baby should be in his own room. And holding off weaning until 6 months and not having a rigid routine... she's great in so many ways but when it is clear all I need is some support, why does she have to be critical.

I just don't know what to do. Is my relationship over? I know that it's so early with DS but perhaps having a baby really is the end for some relationships, as sad as it would be. I have it pretty good here. DP earns well in a not-too-stressful job, we have a beautiful house in a nice area, I do not 'have' to return to work next year, and on paper things couldn't be better - but what goes on between two people really goes beyond their circumstances.

I'm not sure if I want advice, sympathy, or a kick up the arse, but I had to get this out as I've really no one else to talk to.

OP posts:
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ItCameUponAMidnightClara · 08/12/2007 19:09

she is supposed to be on my side, rather.

OP posts:
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CoffeeCrazedMama · 08/12/2007 19:28

Have you thought of contacting the La Leche league or an NCT breastfeeding counsellor? I'm sure they are trained to help with all sorts of breastfeeding problems, not just physical ones. Maybe someone could come and talk to you both. Someone also needs to point out to your dp that this time in your lives is actually terrifyingly fleeting - it will be over before you know it and he will have wasted and spoiled it with his selfishness. You are doing the most wonderful thing by breastfeeding his ds - ensuring he gets the best possible start in life, healthwise and emotionally. Good for you for sticking to it. Your son's health and development are more important than your dp's juvenile British schoolboy attitude to breasts.

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coldtits · 08/12/2007 19:34

Make no major decisions until the baby is a year old.

If he won't leave you alone until you give him a date, tell him September 2011. Just in time for school. It might be before then, you don't know. YOu can't answer his demands, you are not God.

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coldtits · 08/12/2007 19:35

And don't let him affect anything you actualy do.

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NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 08/12/2007 19:42

Your dh is jealous. That is his problem - he has no right to attack your relationship with your child (which is what is trying to do by undermining you) in order to make himself feel better.

Your mother needs to get a grip and listen to you - I think she is deliberately shutting her ears right now because what you are saying adds up to a miserable situation for her daughter, one she can't fix and so she is trying to ignore it.

I think you are probably quite depressed (God knows I would be) and you need help from people in RL. When dh has gone to work on Monday call your HV or GP and see them. Don't know what they would suggest but you need to talk to some people and that would be a start.

I think you can fix this - and the advice not to make any major decisions now is good but you can't be bullied into rearing your child in a way that makes your dh feel good. That is not what children are for and he needs to hear that.

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constancereader · 08/12/2007 19:43

You are right not to put deadlines in place. How can you know what you will want to do? I am so sorry to hear that your dh sees your child as competition instead of a wonderful addition to your family .

Have you tried telling your mum exactly what you told us about the way her playing devil's advocate makes you feel?

What about Relate? It might help your dh realise how blinkered and immature his thinking is. Giving him someone other than you to talk to about his feelings might help to give him a sense of perspective.

Remember that you are doing a good thing by bf - and try doing it in public more often. It gets easier, honestly.

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coldtits · 08/12/2007 19:43

NorthernLurker is right on all counts.

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jorange5 · 08/12/2007 19:44

You must be very frustrated as what you are doing is for the sake of your baby and he seems to be working against that - although I'm sure he doesn't see that he's doing that on purpose.

I think your DP's views are somewhat common unfortunately and I don't know what (if anything) could alter those. Maybe calmly keep telling him that you are doing what your instincts say are the best for your baby while he is so tiny.

The thing is, if you go along with your DP you will probably start resenting him and that's no good either. I think you need to talk more and tell him just how gutted you are by his behaviour.

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coldtits · 08/12/2007 19:45

I'd be so tempted to tell him to stop his putrid whining, but hey, I never was very measured.

He is not treating you fairly. Unfortunately you can't make him treat you fairly - but you can ask him to go to Relate.

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Amethyst86 · 08/12/2007 19:48

I have read your other threads but not posted even though I have felt really angry on your behalf and felt so sorry for you.

I think your DP is unbelievably selfish and immature.

I was the same as you about breast feeding before I started and once I had and it all felt so right there was no way that I wanted anyone telling me when to finish it. I hate to say this but I don t think your relationship with your DP will ever be the same again. One way or another things are going to have to move on and change and it seems to me that your DP is having real problems accepting that. He won t go in to the spare bed because at the moment he is hanging on in limbo for everything to get back to "normal" and that is never going to happen because things are never going to be the same again now that you have DS.

When I had my first child DH performed greatly - disappearing for 5 days at a time telling me that he needed "time off from being a father". In short he was totally unsupportive and selfish and I have never ever forgiven him for that. The love of your life is now your DS and these first few weeks and months are so special and wonderful and you will never ever get that time back again and your DP is spoiling it with his selfish attitudes and demands. I don t really have much advice for you tbh. I wanted to leave my DH at the time but I didnt and we stayed together and now have another child - he was MUCH better second time round, although still a couple of disappearing acts - but still at the back of my mind I resent him for how he ruined that special time at the beginning.

I don t mean to be harsh but it seems to me that your DP should be beginning to get a grip by now and beginning to understand that things have changed and thats it. I have read on other posts suggestions that he might be depressed or in shock but I don t think so. I just think he sounds selfish and immature.

Out of all the posts I have read on Mumsnet yours is the one that sticks in my mind. You sound like you are trying so hard to be a good Mum and having to deal with your DP and his selfish attitudes is just spoiling it for you. I would be tempted to tell him to shape up or ship out but only if you really mean it. Tell straight out that there is no time limit on breast feeding. Stop trying to please him because you are not actually being unreasonable in any way. He is. Would you like to tell your child when he is older that you had to stop feeding him because Daddy didnt like it? Because that actually is the truth isnt it?

Can t say anything about your Mum really, although I do agree that sometimes you just want someone to agree with you and not come up with constructive advice. Could you not just say that to her? Thinking of you and hope it all gets better. You sound like you deserve so much better.

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gerbo · 08/12/2007 19:49

Hi Clara - read your message and it made me sad. Sounds like you're not getting enough support at all from either your partner or mum. Could you sit your mum down and subtly explain that you need her on side, and that you sometimes feel undermined by her? She mayn't be aware she's doing it, perhaps trying to smooth things over/help you see both sides. I guess you could also be being sensitive to it as you're no doubt knackered!! Try talking to her. Hopefully she'll start supporting you - she should, you know - you are allowed to expect that!

As for your partner - nightmare!!!!! Read some of your message to my husband, who agreed you should NOT be taking this rubbish. Firstly congrats with the breastfeeding though!!! I had trouble starting but continued trying and understand what you mean when you say it feels good - it's great for baby, bonding and good for you too. You shouldn't have to put a deadline on anything!!!! That's completely outrageous. Keep going - it's your right and noone should tell you not to. Keep trying with feeding in public too - I was really nervous at first. I found buying a couple of proper breastfeeding tops helped - they show absolutely no flesh (try a 'Boob' brand top - fab) and give you a confidence boost. I slowly started feeidng in cafes that were baby friendly, and now have fed on trains/tubes/buses, and in libraries/art galleries (!)/waiting rooms.....I just tell myself my baby's hungry, and if people don't like it, frankly, get over it. BUT - noone's ever ever said anything/done anything - so be brave - you'll be freer. (It's a legal entitlement now too! Noone can chuck you out of anywhere now!)

I'm no relationship expert, but you're taking too much rubbish I think. Noone's perfect, and a new baby is stressful for everyone - remind him of that when he says he dreads coming home - but you deserve far more support. Trust your instincts about the situation. That's the best thing - for you and baby - babies pick on vibes. Better to be single and happy. BUT of course, if it's salvagable, sit down and tell him these attitudes/issues have to stop - about the feeding - get over it - it's natural and healthy. About the sleeping - I'm not a co-sleeper, but have friends who do, and successfully for all concerned. Perhaps let him continue to sleep on the sofa for your own peace of mind.

I send you lots of luck and best best wishes for the future. Be strong. It will get easier I promise (I'm no expert but after a rocky first month with feeding my dd is 8 months old and happy!). All the best.

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TheRealMrsOsborneXmasFactor · 08/12/2007 19:52

It sounds like you are doing a great job.
I started breastfeeding with the attitude that if i could do it great and would probably stop at about 6mths. I eventually stopped when my DS was 11mths old, so i don't think you can set an end date.

We also co-slept and still do which i never thought we would but it suits us all.

Being a new mum is hard enough and i think you do feel a bit like everyone coos over the baby and ignores you a bit. Go with your instincts and do what you think is best for your baby and you'll be a happier mum and have a happier baby.
Maybe given time your DH will relax a bit, having a baby is a big change for every couple.

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Dropdeadfred · 08/12/2007 19:52

Oh dear, I'd hoped things had improved by now...I remeber your other thread...
I'm shocked that your mum is not supporting you. I think you need to speak to her again, maybe without your ds being a distraction (perhaps whilst he's asleep?)

I guess he feels for you both and doesn't want to acknowlege the problem and hope it goesaway and also doesn't want to have taken sides...but she is YOUR mum and should be there when you nee dthe support that you are not getting from your DP.

Whereabouts do you live? Are they any Mnetters near you?

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KITTYmaspudding · 08/12/2007 19:53

I have nothing new to say here. I just wanted to show you my support, for what it's worth.
You sound like you are doing a fab job with your lovely baby despite having another child in the house.
I really hope you are able to stick to your guns {{{hugs}}}

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Dropdeadfred · 08/12/2007 19:54

sorry that should read she not he

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NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 08/12/2007 19:55

Clara - just looked at your pics - your ds is a beautiful, beautiful boy - and you are doing a great job.

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cazboldy · 08/12/2007 20:43

clara - hi!
do not feel bad for your dh, he is acting like a spoilt brat of the highest order. You are being level headed and reasonable and he is behaving like a tantruming toddler who hasn't got his own way.
I do feel sad for him though as he just does not see that he is missing out on so much!
you see lots of threads on here about new mums not getting enough sleep or worrying about how their baby feeds etc but you seem like your only problem is your dh!
do you think he is talking about leaving as some kind of threat?

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mmelody · 08/12/2007 21:10

Oh Clara, I really feel for you. I have read all your other threads and your story really gets to me.

Your partner is behaving like a arse. he really is. Childbirth/parenthood is so cathartic for people, kind of strips them bare I think and pushes people to limits they didn't know existed. I think what you have found is that you have a strength you never knew existed, but also that man that is supposed to love and care for you is not what you thought he would be in times of stress.

What you NEED right now is some female support. Do you have a friend that you could lean on? Perhaps you need to spell things out for your Mum??

As for breastfeeding and co-sleeping...well it seems to me that the two things that you are in charge of at the moment, he wants to take away!! You are doing a fantastic job and give yourself a pat on the back.

I don't think I could ever forgive my DP if he behaved in this way.

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NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 08/12/2007 21:13

hmmmmmmm been thinking - you had a really rough time at the birth didn't you Clara? Does PTSD describe or explain any of your dh's behaviour - or has he always tended to be jealous?

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catsmother · 08/12/2007 21:24

Can only echo what everyone else has said - he is behaving like a petualnt jealous brat. Has he not got it into his head that breastfeeding aside (and no way should you put it aside until you want to) your (as in plural your) son isn't going to go away and play quietly in his room forever more. He will need your attention for a long long while to come and should be getting his dad's attention too.

I really wonder if someone as spiteful as him will settle down and suddenly be loving and supportive just because the baby has his own room or because you stop breastfeeding ? .... because what he's doing is spite. Gawd knows the 1st few months are exhausting and he's done nothing except undermine you, put a guilt trip on you and stress you out at a time when you need any spare energy you can muster just to get through day to day things, never mind worrying about him. I think he's being a bloody self centred tosser TBH.

I have no idea why he's insisting on the sofa .... probably to make himself more of a martyr to anyone stupid enough to listen to his self pitying drivel probably. I've fed 2 children at night and my partner more or less slept through it all apart from when the baby initially awoke. It's not them lying there for half an hour or more trying to keep awake is it - all they have to do is roll over and go back to sleep.

I'm so sorry your mum is being useless and hurtful too. I've noticed that with women of a certain generation, they place great importance upon deferring to the "man of the house", no matter how bloody selfish his demands are. Quite possibly your mum might be doing this ..... I can't believe that any woman would otherwise be so unsupportive to her daughter. Her views on childrearing may be different to yours but she should remember that first and foremost how anyone else does it is none of her business.

Of course, how his son is raised is your DP's business too ..... but only when he can be adult about it, discussing concerns, issues and ideas with you (not shouting at you), and when he's prepared to explain why he thinks such and such might be a good idea. NOT when his demands are in his best interests (only), as opposed to yours and, most importantly, his son's .... and when he can't even properly explain why he's being so draconian.

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jenk1 · 08/12/2007 21:25

clara my dh was like this when i had dd, he was jealous of my breastfeeding her and we used to row over it, i didnt give in although it would have meant an easier life if i had, i actually fed her until she was 2.

we are not together anymore, in counselling this week i brought up his reaction when i had dd and was feeding her and the counsellor said he viewed it as a rejection,that he was jealous of the closeness i had with dd, she said a lot of men have trouble with their partners breastfeeding babies and usually its a rejection problem.

i think you are doing amazing, its a difficult time adjusting to a new baby and you have no support at the moment, you sound like a fantastic mum!!!!

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HansieMom · 08/12/2007 22:01

I don't know if I can add anything and yet, I will! First off, your baby is absolutely gorgeous. He's getting the best of care right nowgetting the perfect food that God intended. Your husband sounds SO immature and selfish, main concern is himself. What a juvenile way to think: breasts are for male sexual turn on and that's it! Grow up! I would expect more maturity from a 12 year old. I'm sure many of their moms breastfed younger kids! I breast fed both my sons, one til 10.5 months (he started tugging and playing! Time's up!) and my second son til 14 months. My one DIL breastfed her first but the second had esophageal reflux and had to go on a formula with no milk proteins. My other DIL had trouble getting baby to suck correctly but she pumped breastmilk for six months and they fed him bottles of breastmilk. I like the answer of when you will quit: when he goes to school. And (believe this has been said too)life won't be normal again. He better get used to it. How about letting him read this thread? Instead of bitching at you, he should be taking art pics, Madonna and child type pics, of naked baby lying against your bare breasts. Please oh please make him read this!

I made my DIL's nursing blankets--nice large flannel single layer, about 36" square, with a pocket in one corner that you put a weight in and velcro shut. Weight can be ziploc bag w rice. I was with one DIL at Walmart and she could feed baby while walking down aisle.

I could shake your husband! I'll be English about it: he should take his head out of his arse!

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ItCameUponAMidnightClara · 09/12/2007 12:58

I love mumsnet - I really do wonder what the hell I'd be doing right now without it.

Thank you all for such great replies - I was reading them on my mobile during night feeds

Colditz I think rationally that makes sense, to not make big decisions for a year, but how many times are we supposed to go around this particular roundabout before one of us goes insane or kills the other? I was all set to leave in the first week, yet there have been times - flashes, moments - where I picture us together years down the line.

I read a wonderful article someone linked to in the pregnancy forum recently about relationships surviving children - it's here - and I think it helped to read that this does sometimes just happen - don't we all, when pregnant with our first, imagine a movie type scenario of our DP smiling while changing nappies and bringing us breakfast in bed and the house being spotless and the baby never crying... lol. Perhaps not that, but you get my drift.

Baby crying so going to try to post later and respond properly.

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millie865 · 09/12/2007 19:35

Hi Clara, sorry to hear you are still having problems. Your DP is being a prat - but I don't think that means your relationship is over. Seven weeks seems like a really long time when you are living through it, but is no time at all in the context of a long term relationship. I'd agree with the advice not to make any major decisions for at least a year.

It sounds like what your DP is telling you is that he feels a bit neglected and squeezed out. You would be perfectly within your rights to say 'tough - that's what having a new baby is like', but I don't know if that will help much to be honest. Can you find other ways of making him feel like you still have some space for him that don't involve giving up breast feeding or co-sleeping? Make time to spend together in the evenings, put the baby down in a cot earlier in the evening and just spend some time with your DP cuddling on the bed and chatting.

I don't know what specific answer will work for you, but I do think its worth trying to find something. I know you probably feel like it shouldn't have to be you that makes the effort - but somebody has to and while he is being a prat that probably means you, unfair though that certainly is! in the long term one of the best things you can do for your baby is try to make your relationship with your partner work.

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millie865 · 11/12/2007 09:40

Hi Clara
I hope my last message didn't make you feel got at, particularly with your mother taking your DP's side!

There are a couple of books that cover this issue of the transition to parenthood. I think I've recommended 'Babyproofing your marriage' before. There is also 'When parents become partners' which is a reasonably accessible book of a ten year academic study of couples' transition to parenthood. Cowan and Cowan are the authors.

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