My parents are moving abroad and I feel lost, I am selfish for not wanting them to go?

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

Hi,
Bit of a long story really. Wanted to type it all out to get it off my chest, so even if nonone responds it will do me good anyway.
My parents live 30 miles away at the moment and they wont visit me, I have to do the travelling. They now want to move abroad.
For some reason I have been soul searching and thinking about my childhood. I feel like I don't want them to go. My Mum is registered disabled and she feels that the warm climate will do her good. My dad is like a sheep and follows her to whatever she wants, so it seems.
In my Mums head she has already moved, it's all she talks about, where as my Dad is saying 'we will go out and see property first'!
Anyone else have any thoughts on family/friends moving away would be helpful.

[goingfor3christmaspuddings]

I think everyone would find this hard it's hard knowing that someone is not close by anymore.

On the plus side you will have somewhere to go in holiday and the time you spend with them will probably be quaility time.

[Earlybird]

How often do you see them?
How far away are they planning to move?
Have they spent significant time in the place they plan to move to?
Would you be able to/want to visit them when they move? How often?
Is their health good enough for them to live abroad independently?
Would the warm climate help your Mum's health?
What support would they have in their new location, should they need it?

All practical questions, which of course, don't deal with the emotional issues. If I may say so, you sound quite angry about it all. Amateur psychologist would hazard a guess that you feel uncared for/abandoned. Am I completely off the mark?

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

I haven't had a holiday for 5 years (honeymoon). I can't afford to go abroad and neither can my Sister with her 3 children. My parents don't visit now living 25min drove away, so guessing it will be us having to do the visiting.
Found out the other day that my Parents do not want to spend christmas with me and my Sister, but they are spending it with my brother and his family.
I feel that once they have gone, they will be gone.

Why do parents want to move away from very small grandchildren?

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

I am angry, yes. I don't want to feel like it, but I am.

[catsmother]

I can understand why you feel particularly hurt by their plans. Thing is, by the sounds of it, they are already hurting you by seemingly never wanting to see you unless you make the effort. However, while they're round the corner, you'd have to be very hard hearted not to hope that one day they might "come round" - literally and figuratively speaking.

Obviously, once they go abroad the chances of a closer relationship diminish to probably close to nothing given the history and having to face up to that must be quite a shock. Almost like a living bereavement.

Have they discussed how they're going to keep in touch (eg. webcam, email, coming back to the UK etc) at all ?

[paulaplumpbottom]

I know it was hard for my mom when I moved abroad. It was hard for her to realize that I had my own life that had to be lived. I imagine its even harder as a child because growing up your parents try to make it all about you. Their kids have flown the nest. Its time for them to have their lives back. I know you will miss them, but be happy for them.

[ATortIsForLifeNotJustChristmas]

My Parents and 2 brothers moved to Turkey 2 years ago.(1 brother has now come back to uk)
It was all they talked about before they moved/sold the house.
Mine only lived 10minutes walk up the road and i saw Mum nearly every week day. it has been really hard to not have that anymore.
Really miss them especially now its so close to chritmas.
I have no-one but my 4 DC and that makes it even harder. Feel bad that my DC don't get to see their Nanna and grampy.But at the moment we have no passports and having no previous experience of flying, i really don't fancy visiting them. They have no income at the moment so can't visit us.

I have no idea when i will see them again and suvive on texts and letters at the moment.Oh and very occational phone calls as i have to phone them and can't afford it too often.

I really don't blme you for not wanting them to go. its really hard. Is there anything you can say which may change your Mums mind?

[goingfor3christmaspuddings]

ATortIsForLifeNotJustChristmas that's so sad that you can barely speak to them now. Do you buy an international phone card, most newsagents sell them and for £5 you can call them quite a few times in a month. I hope one day you get the chance to visit.

[ATortIsForLifeNotJustChristmas]

I didn't know about an international phone card.
I use a number that gives me calls for 9p an minute. They don't have a landline so i call her mobile from my landline.

I will miss my Dads Bubble and squeak on Boxing day. I always went round boxing day. Its just harder this time of year.
Really miss my little brother too. He is only 13.

[QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide]

Do you know where they want to move to? How are they doing it? Do they know the language? Have they been to the country before/many times? Do they know the culture, how business is conducted? Will they be able find all relevant info relating to health care, car puchase (if they need one) property rental/purchase, deal with insurance companies? Are they aware that rules and legislations regarding these matters can be quite different in a foreign country?

I am from Norway, I moved to England 15 years ago. My sister moved to Spain a few years ago due to the warm climate and her arthritis. The stories she has told about her trials and tribulations, is so horrendous it is nearly laughable. AND she speaks Spanish, and had the benefit of having visited the place spendig a month every winter for years prior to making the move.....

For your sake I truly hope your parents know what they are doing, and how to go about it.

If they do, then good luck to them, as the health benefits may be enormous!

[michie40]

My parents moved to France 6 years ago now - they moved after my Dad retired at 51. They now live in the middle of the countryside in rural Brittany in a large converted barn.
I don't think they have ever been happier apart from the fact they miss us all.

I felt the same as you when they first moved - i missed them terribly and felt they were being selfish and abandoning me and my younger brother and sister.

However now I can see its for the best. They live like natives - both speaking french and have made loads of good friends - it has given them a new lease of life. They are much happier there than playing bowls or living in a retirement home on the south coast.

It has been tough on me and my siblings at first but we have got used to it and visit them regulary. We probably see them more than we would have done if they were an hour down the road in the UK.
Hope this helps.

[michie40]

Sorry also wanted to say that my Mum moved to help her health as well. She suffered badly from asthma and as they lived in Surrey this made it worse. She now has very few asthma attacks and cycles to the village to get bread every morning - its done her the world of good.

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

Thanks for all the repiles and sharing your experiences, reading them had made me feel not so alone in this matter, and can I say a big thanks.
(Sorry haven't been back sooner but having trouble with internet connection).

They plan to move to Malta. They have been only once on holiday and are visiting in February to 'look at properties'. This is all they have said. My dad is now retired and Mum can't work due to ill health, so god knows how they are going to support themselves. I will be able to email or write but can't see myself phoning or visiting as it will cost too much.
catsmother - I think you have explained exactly how I feel, and I had no idea!

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

Have asked my Mum to come and see ds in his playschool nativity play next week, waiting for a reply.

[PollyLogos]

I haven't time to write a lot now but .... it is their life of course and though it is sad they don't want to stay near their grandchildren so be it.

However, whilst I know very little about the health system in Malta I would VERY strongly advise that they do a lot of research around your mums health problems, what help she gets/needs here and what she will find there. Especially to talk to Brits living there because what is available on paper and in reality can be hugely different. I am in Greece and would never advise someone with health problems to choose to come and live here.

[KathH]

Hi - i can totally understand where you're coming from. I'm really to close to my mum & she only lives down the road from me. A few years ago she told me that she was thinking of moving back to her native Durham where her mum & brothers & sisters still live. I'm ashamed to say that at the ripe old age of 32 I started blubbing

[LOVEMYMUM]

My parents have a flat in France and spend a lot of time there. However, they still have their house here and my mum will be here for as long as i need her after LO is born. She is here now and goes back on Sunday and i don't really want her to go (never bothered me before i got pregnant). I can understand how you feel, your parents are still your parents no matter how old you are.

Your parents MUST look into healthcare etc.

Seems to be two issues here:

Your parents keeping their emotional distance (by not visiting when living in the UK).

Your parents being physically distant (by moving to another country).