I think dh & I are going to split up. Not sure what to do.

[SparklePrincess]

He admitted yesterday that he doesnt love me & hasnt been happy for years. My issues with him are he refuses to put me or the children first & I feel like an unpaid unappreciated housekeeper in my own home. He comes home from work & does his own thing. Doesnt even speak to me when were in the same room. Its like a kind of mental torture. Ive put up with it because I want the children to have a so called proper family & I honestly have no idea what will happen to us. The split seems inevitable now that he has admitted what was blatantly obvious really.
What do we do? How will we manage? I dont know where to start. All I want is a family.

[NorthernLurker]

I think you need to talk to someone in real life - have you called relate , do you have a church minister/pastoral team you could speak to?
This sounds really hard. You do have a family - you and your children will always be one even your dh is too daft to make the most of it and join it!

[roseblade]

Really sorry to hear you are having to go through this Sparkle, it must have been devastating to hear even though it sounds like a pretty grim dtate of affairs for you too.All I can say is there truly is no such Thing as a 'proper family', a family is any group of people who love and care for each other. losing the structure of a two adult household is going to be tough (if the split happens) but for the things you lose you will gain others. The children will certainly have been picking upon the atmosphere in the house and you will have a chance to build an altogether more loving and caring home. I don't know the in's and out's of your situation or your DH but if he has not even been speaking to you when in the same room then maybe he has some deep seated issues of his own he needs to address, thats not sensble rational behaviour (IMHO). You need to sit down sensibly with him and discuss the future, even if he leaves he is still a father and none of his responsibilities (financial or otherwise) will diappear, you need to know exactly what will be ahppening in practical terms.
Take care

[SparklePrincess]

I dread him coming home tonight. I know he will just try & act as if nothing has happened & carry on as normal It would be the easiest thing in the world to go alongwith it, but I dont think I can do that anymore. Theres only so much a person can take.
He seems to think that everything is all my fault & he doesnt talk to me because he knows I will back stab him. But how can that be possible if theres no conversation to start with?

Here are a few instances of his behaviour towards me:

The day after I had our second child he went off on a wild goose chase (potential money making exercise that never came off) for 4 days leaving me to cope alone with a newborn & a one year old in a house 40 minutes walk from the shops or my mothers house. (I couldnt drive then)

When I was seriously ill with Pneumonia (temp of 45, couldnt move) he still expected me to carry on as usual & did nothing to help. Thank god my mother (grudgingly) came round & helped with the kids.

The house is a constant tip due to his numerous unfinished DIY projects (yet this is my fault because im a cr@p housewife of course) apparently im a cr@p cook too. (No newsflash there)

Last week my father was seriously ill in hospital (thought he was going to die) & I had to go there in the early hours. I spent all night there & he took the children to school for the first time ever. However, he made it perfectly clear that I would need to pick them up myself because he was busy at work.

Havent seen Relate NL. Think we are possibly to far gone for that. He will never change. I wonder if he will regret anything once we are gone?

I love the children so much it hurts. They so dont need the upheavel of moving house new school again etc etc. Its so unfair on them. I couldnt possibly afford to stay here or run a car without dh`s salary going in. It will be major changes mainly to the detriment of the children. That makes me cry to think of it.

[geekymummy]

SparklePrincess,

Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

TBH, it sounds like your husband is an extra "kid" to take care of. Hopefully, in time, you'll find life a bit less stressful worrying about him and carping on about the housework, etc.

[Wisteria]

Relate can also help you with splitting up.

Please don't think you won't be a normal family if you split, firstly there is no such thing and if you carry on as you are your dcs will probably grow up with a very unrealistic view of a relationship and make mistakes themselves (speaks voice of experience)....

My dh and I split and he now does far more for my dds than he ever would have done (and consequently has a fab relationship with them) if we hadn't and I know that I was a happier person ergo better Mum because of it.

If there is any way of working through it then I would advise giving it a go if there is anything salveagable (do wish I had sometimes) but don't fear the single life with dcs, it's not all bad!

Wishing you lots of luck and courage xx

[SparklePrincess]

You have it spot on there geekymummy, he is exactly like an extra kid (with ADHD)
Think ill look into Relate Wisteria, cant hurt I suppose.

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

I am really sorry to hear this. Can I just say that children pick up on atmospheres so don't stay for them if it would be best for all of you to separate. I can understand your wish to all be together though.

[tissy]

SP, you seem to be implying that it will be you and the kids that will have to move out- don't! He has a duty to keep a roof over his family's heads, so he should be the one who moves, IMO.

[crokky]

SparklePrincess - your DH sounds a bit like my dad. When we were little, he was out alot doing his own thing with no regard for the family and when he was home, he behaved badly - sometimes like he was Hitler and sometimes just went off and shut himself away in a mood. When my parents got divorced, "family life" was alot better. Me and my siblings had a great time with just mum and nobody regretted the divorce. The downside, however, was financial. My dad really screwed my mum and she struggles a bit for money. I totally understand your wish to remain as a family because I think that is what most women (certainly those with kids) want. However, there does come a point when the abuse is not worth taking anymore and you will be better off without him (which will be difficult to start with). I don't know if you have reached that point yet.

[mummyblueyes]

Sparkle - so sorry you are going through this but I know how you feel. Me and XH realised we didn't love each other as we should when DD1 was 2.

We both agreed that if someone else came along we'd go for it. Well, it was mental torture for months until he moved out.

I thought I coped well at the time but looking back I just sailed along in my own world.

Am so glad I did it now though. I have met my soul mate and we have DD2.

[captainmummy]

Hi sparkle - I go along with wisteria; if it's not working there is no problem these days with not being a 'standard' family, the 'family' can mean anything. And if he is making your life a misery, making more work for you, causing more problems than he's solving, then just move on. He should be the one to move out tho. See the citizens advice bureau for you rights.

[ninedragons]

A "normal" family is not defined by headcount, it's a matter of everyone who lives under the same roof treating each other with some form of respect.

Your kids would be in a "normal" family with you as a single mother. What they're in now is not a normal family just because there happen to be two adults living there.

[2sugars]

Oh, sparkle, I really feel for you. Your situation mirrors the one I'm in. On the one hand, I don't want dds growning up thinking this is normal behavior in a relationship, on the other hand, when we've planned a day out together, one of them will say something like 'Mmmm, nice happy family, we're all together'. Also know what you mean about it all being to the detriment of your children - and about it being past Relate. I asked H to come with me several years ago. He lied there, I walked out.

No real advice, just hugs and I wanted you to know you're not alone. How old are your DC?

[arfishy]

Oh dear. DP and I are just like this. It's really tricky isn't it? I do feel for you.

Do you think he will move out or will he just stay put? Do you want him to go or do you want to make a go of things?

[SparklePrincess]

Hi, sorry for late reply. dh was hanging around last night & I didnt want him to see this thread. It could just imagine him saying "I bet you slag me off on here all day dont you?"

My dc`s are only 6 & 8, so still quite little. They are both currently having some behavioural issues & dont need the upheavel of a break up, new house, new school etc etc. Eldest is extremely shy & I fear would severely suffer with a change of house/school. Youngest is being diagnosed with ADD. According to dh dd1 is the way she is because I cuddled her too much when she was a baby.

Im pretty certain that the mother has the right to stay in the house with the children until they are about 16 or 18. Unfortunately this wouldnt be possible for me because I simply couldnt afford to live here without a decent wage coming in. Its quite an expensive area & Council tax alone is £211 a month, then theres everything else on top. Public transport is non existent here & running a car on benefits would be a luxury I couldnt afford.

I brought up the subject with dh again last night. I wrote out a list of things that make me unhappy about our relationship & asked him to do the same. He refused. We argued at length where he proceeded to put everything entirely down to me & the fact that if we have a conversation I always back stab him. But we DONT have conversations & havent for many years, so I cannot understand this at all. I really tried my best. I as good as told him to at least pretend to care about me & I would accept that & we could try to move on. I was really clutching at straws. Its not so much I want him, its I dont want the girls to go through the hurt of what lies ahead, & will do anything to protect them. It all means nothing to him though. He wasnt prepared to fight for his children. He does love them, in his own way, but not enough to put them & their needs first as a parent should do.

I dont look forward to what lies ahead. The whole house is full of unfinished DIY projects that dh will probably now refuse to finish. He will want to drag out my pain & misery as much as possible. I have a small amount of money in an ISA that I will probably have to use to pay somebody else to do some of the work, then eventually the house will be sold. Dont know what im supposed to do about hiring a solicitor with no money. I suppose ill get a cr@p legal aid one & really get screwed to the wall. It doesnt seem to register with dh that by doing these things he is hurting his children.

Its our 9th wedding anniversary next week.

[captainmummy]

Get down the CAB, get an estate agent in to value the house as is, and as it will be, (some houses are worth more unfinished) get some legal advice. If the house is sold, you may be able to buy a smaller one in the same area, so the dds can go to the same school (moving house is not so much of a prob for them - it can be exciting) But it sounds like dh is not prepared to put any effort into saving your relationship, or even saving his relationshipwith the dds.
But get some advice.

• for you.

[SparklePrincess]

The unfinished work completely slaughters the value of the house. It really wants finishing before its sold. I couldnt afford to buy a house around here even if I got half of the value. I think we will need to be looking at renting or buying in a cheaper area. Anywhere with good schools. The world is my oyster on that one. Only other priority would be decent public transport because there is no way on earth I would be able to afford to run & maintain a car because there is always something that wants doing to them. Currently dh fixes the car for me.
Think I will look at the CAB site & try to get to see someone.
Can anyone suggest a place with cheap housing, good schools & good public transport that I could look into? Im currently in East Sussex & my parents live in Hastings.

[madamez]

Get some good advice (try Women's Aid). It's very common for difficult, selfish men to tell their wives/partners that if the man is not around they will suffer, lose money, lose custody of kids etc: this is not true. YOu will get more help, money etc than you might think. Best of luck.

[Wisteria]

Sparkle, it sounds crap . He clearly doesn't want to try.

The upheaval that you worry about I can understand but some of your dcs issues may be caused by the atmosphere in the house, if you are unhappy they will sense it, even if you do your best to cover it up unfortunately. I'm not saying it would make any difference to these behavioural issues obviously (not a psychologist or expert on ADD) but the fall out from a split may not be as severe as you imagine.

Children are incredibly resilient and depending on how the split is managed it can be a positive thing for everyone. I can only talk from my own experience I'm afraid but our split hasn't seemed to affect the girls badly. I would advise doing it when they are younger rather than older though.

Our area is very reasonable for housing with a good network of transport etc but is probably too far North!! You would get far more for your money up here though...

Reading your last post I really think you should go and get some proper legal advice. Find a good family solicitor and look at your options, or post a thread asking for some legal advice, there are some solicitors on here or you may get a recommendation.

Whatever you choose to do, best of luck and massive hugs for you x

[captainmummy]

I read a few years ago that Burgess Hill (west sussex) was the cheapsst place in theSoutheast for houses. Don't know about schools tho, prob no worse than anywhere else. And it's on the trainline to london, therefore everywhere else. And there must be buses!
BTW I'm in Horley, near Gatwick, So not far from Burgess Hill.

[SparklePrincess]

Thanks everyone. I spoke to dh earlier & he agreed to come home & talk properly tonight. Unfortunately it now looks like he will not get back from his meeting in Lancashire until tomorrow so he may as well stay over.
At this stage I cant see what he can possibly say that will change whats already been said. If he doesnt love me & is unhappy then nothing will change that. I bet he`s not half as unhappy as I am & have been for the last god knows how many years.
I soooo crave some affection that has been severely lacking in my life for a long time. Affection is someting dh simply seems incapable of doing. He likes sex, but TBH I may as well be a prostitute because it is just sex, theres no kissing or affection whatsoever. Its got to the point where I have to be drunk & fantasize before ill let him anywhere near me. TMI, sorry
Have looked into Burgess Hill captainmummy. Unfortunately its about as expensive as it is around here, if not more so. Thanks for trying though.

[DarthVader]

Can't read this without posting. Sorry to hear what a hard time you are having. It doesn't sound as though your dh is particularly motivated to make positive changes though. How would you describe the effects of the current situation on a) you and b) the kids, Sparkleprincess?

[SparklePrincess]

I think the kids are pretty much oblivious to it DV TBH. My issue is I feel bored, unappreciated & unloved.

I think the problem is dh is a bit of a workaholic & thinks that anyone who isnt is lazy. Because of his job & the hours he does im unable to take on a regular job that doesnt fit in with school hours so only manage to make about £60 a week doing some cleaning jobs. I have at least 3 days a week where I am off work so I tend to visit my aunt & uncle or parents, do some housework or just spend time on the pc. (I dont have any friends here, I tend to keep people at arms length through fear of being let down I suppose) I find my life very boring & envy his life with a job he loves, doing many varied things. He thinks I am ungrateful & dont appreciate how lucky I am that I dont have to work full time as a lot of mums do. He thinks I should spend more of my free time doing housework. Quite frankly its the last thing I want to do after a morning of doing somebody elses. Our house is not dirty, but it is fairly messy. This is mainly due to all the DIY stuff littering every room though which I dont put away because: A, He would never find it again, & B, Ive no idea if hes finished with it. I have offered to do small jobs like painting the bathroom, but he never left out the stuff for me.

I suppose I just need some appreciation, a bit of attention & something interesting to do to fill my days.

My sister is due to visit in a few weeks time & has offered to babysit for the girls so dh & I can go out & spend some time together. We have only been out together less than 5 times since we had the children. (8 1/2 years ago) She seems to think this will help. Worth a try I suppose.

Dh is staying in a Hotel tonight & has said he will ring me later. Will have to see what happens I suppose.

[captainmummy]

Hi Sparkle - how are you today? I've been thinking about you and the situation -you know it's really easy to paint the walls. just pour the paint into a paint tray, dip the roller into it and spread it on the wall. Use a paintbrush to go into corners etc. It's a good way to keep busy.
Otherwise, get down the CAB and look into a council house/flat, that wuld leave you in the same area, and once he's finished the projects the house can be sold.

[bluejelly]

I think even if you kids had to move schools and houses they would be happier because YOU will be happier.